Now I lay me down...

This morning, I awoke early and did some reading, and then for some reason, I laid my head down on Todd's pillow.  I've rarely touched it since he died, or even since he went into the hospital.  As I laid on his pillow missing him, my thoughts started rhyming.  So I sat up and wrote this down in my notebook.  

I've rarely pulled the covers back

Except to change the sheets

Your pillow I left untouched 

Beside me when I sleep

But this morning in the early light 

I gently laid my head

Upon your pillow empty still

Wishing to hear your heart beat.

I heard no sound, yes, I know

For that's impossible to hear

I only heard the rushing cars

And traffic way too near.

You're not here to warm my feet

When they are freezing in the night

Or scratch my forever itchy back

Or pray my nightmares take flight

My life is so utterly different now

WIthout you by my side

I'm having to live each new day

Trusting in His grace to abide

I've been finding out who I really am

The Kelley deep down inside

And all the things He put in me

Uncovering His plan for my life

Well, the alarm clock finally went off

Though I've been awake for hours

Reading through the piles of Bibles and books

Finding comfort in this early morning hour.

Love at the bottom of a stock tank

Photo credit to Susanna Dagley

 I have this alarm clock in my bedroom that Todd and I have had for years.  I mean years! I can hardly remember not having it.  I believe my Mom and Dad gave it to us on one of those first Christmas.  It has really big numbers so we both could see it at night, but it has one problem.  It is alway running fast, it's always ahead of time.  Every once in a while, I have to reset it, as it's 5, 10, 15, or creeping up even more minutes ahead of the actual time.  But for the most part I'd leave it till it was really bad.  Why? Because for the most part, Todd was always running behind.  It kind of runs in his family, and was the standard Reuer joke, as to how late members of the family were going to be for any holiday gathering.  Todd was no exception.  He always had more to do than time allowed, but he thought he could get it done anyway, thus making him untimely late.  So I'd leave the clock a few minutes ahead, knowing that was at least giving him a head start.

    I on the other hand, am the kind of person, if I arrive 10 mintues early, I'm late.  I hate showing up at the last minute, or God forbid, actually late for something!  Life called for adjustment when I married Todd, lots of adjustments!  We eventually compromised, and would arrive somewhat on time.  This drove my family nuts as they always wanted to know days ahead what time we would be arriving, what could I tell them?  When we get there, we'll be there!  

    Just yesterday though, I got a message from a young lady that showed me Todd wasn't always late, sometimes he was just on time.   This young lady and her husband work on a ranch where Todd and I use to work many years ago.  They actually live in the house that Todd and I lived in.  Her husband was out fixing a stock tank and had to drain it to get it fixed.  When the tank was drained is when they found it.  Formed in the cement was a big heart with the initials; TR + KR  Romans 5:5.   I just sat and cried when I read her message.  Romans 5:5 was our wedding scripture.  "...For the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost who is given unto us."  Yah, it looks like Todd was the one who poured the cement for that stock tank, and he wanted it remembered for all time, the love we have for each each other and why.  Because God had poured his love into our hearts.    He wasn't late on that one, he was right on time.  Now almost 20 years later, from when he did that,  it was a reminder to me on how much he loved me.  I wish they would have taken a picture of it for me, but the tank has been refilled so that's not possible, but the love note hidden for years at the bottom of a stock tank was found.  Some people just use sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, Todd wrote it in cement! 

Ambused

Lovely picture of Todd and I when we were dating. And yes, his hat was too small for me, which means I have a really big head, Todd wore a 7 3/8 hat size and that's too small for me!  Love our glasses.  (I couldn't think of a picture of an ambush, so I thought I'd post an old one of us instead.  It really has nothing to do with this blog.)

Ambush- noun- 1. an act or instance of attacking unexpectedly from a concealed position.

    A noun is a person, place or thing, or idea, so in the case of the word ambush, it's a thing.  In the last 10 months I've been experiencing it, but until tonight I didn't have a name for it.  So let me explain.

    It's called an ambush of grief.  I find myself going along doing quite well, when all of a sudden something hits you, a song, a smell, a picture, and you're hit in the gut with grief.  I got ambushed last night.  No one else knew (I don't think anyway), they probably just thought I was being touched by God in some way, as the tears ran down my face.

   I was sitting at a Concert at a church up the street and listening to a Gospel group called Three Bridges. (By the way they are really good!)  Well, Three Bridges had gotten wind of the fact that the pastor of that church and his family sang together, so they asked them to do a song.  They sang a wonderful song called "I Get To." (I think that was the name anyway), but then I got ambushed.  It wasn't even the song, it was just hearing this husband and wife and son sing together.  I began to weep, for Todd and I use to sing together a lot (never could talk the kids into singing with us though).  I sat there listening to them sing, knowing here is another loss for me.  Yes, I have realized it before this, especially when I've song a couple of the songs that Todd and I use to do together this summer, and realized I can't sing them in the same key anymore, cause Todd always sang melody, and his voice was much higher than mine, so now, I'm dropping the key down to adjust to my voice.  But there's no more harmony for me on those songs, I'm singing solo now, in more ways than one.   

    There's no warning to an ambushment.  If you knew it was coming you wouldn't be ambushed.  This isn't the first time I've been an ambushed by grief in the last 10 months, and I'm sure it won't be the last.  It always hits when you don't expect it, of course that's why it's called an ambush.

    There's other times when it's finding something he wrote, or seeing a picture of him I'd forgotten about.  Bamm!  I get hit!  There's those times when I've seen someone that we haven't seen for a long time, and I have this thought I can't wait to tell Todd that I saw them, and then realize I can't, he's not here.  

    Although I know I'll probably get ambushed again, I'm also confident in this: …"I do not have to be afraid, for He has ransomed me. He has called me by name, and I am his.  When I go through the deep waters, He will be with me. When I go through rivers of difficulty, I will not drown. When I walk through the fire of oppression, I will not be burned up, the flames will not consume me." (Isaiah 43:1-2- my Paraphrase)  

  God has proven himself to me over and over again. He is still with me, even when I'm ambushed and taken by surprise, he walks with me through it.   

The Locket (A short story)

THE LOCKET

(The following is a short fiction story I wrote, loosely based on Todd's and my life.)

    She could hardly wait, to get the package open, but she restrained herself and carefully removed the Christmas wrapping paper.  The box was small, and her heart was racing, thinking of all the special things that come in small packages.  When the last bit of paper was removed, she slowly opened the box, hoping to find that diamond ring, and maybe a marriage proposal, but as the lid came off, she found a small gold book-shaped locket, on a golden chain.  Her heart sank, but she lifted her head, and smiled at the giver.

   "Open it up," he said, with anticipation in his voice.  She opened the small little book, and found carefully put in each side of the locket, two pictures; one of her, and one of him.  "Oh how sweet!" she exclaimed, and this time really meaning it.  She thought of how much work he must have done, searching for just the right picture and then carefully putting it into this tiny book.  He'd never been one for expensive gifts, so she knew the thought into this one was great.  "I love it," she proclaimed, and really meaning it, as tears began to form in the corner of her eyes.

   "I was hoping you would, " he shyly said, "Cause right now there's a picture of us each individually, but I hope that someday, there will be a picture of us together, you in a pretty white dress and me in a suit."  He was nervously reaching into his pocket and pulling out a smaller box, and as he held it in his shaking hand, he dropped to his knees and continued, "You see, our lives are separate now, and the story is just beginning, but I'd was wondering if you'd like to continue to write the story of our lives together forever."  He opened the small box, and enclosed, was the diamond ring she had so hoped for.  It was small, but sparkled with just as much dazzle as a one carat diamond.  

   With tears in her eyes, she said, "Yes, I want to write my life story with you, we'll be together till we're old and gray, and the pages in our book is full of our life together.  Yes, yes, yes!!"  She flung herself into his arms and they both hugged and cried, knowing there was soon to be a new story written of their lives together.

    Six months later, she came down the aisle at the church in that long white dress, and he looked so handsome in that white tuxedo, although maybe a little bit uncomfortable.  Today they would write the first page of their story together, it was filled with laughter and tears of joy.  They knew this was going to be a best seller.

    On their first month anniversary, he presented her with a tiny little picture to put in the locket,  no longer two separate pictues, but one.  They both smiled as they put the wedding picture in the locket and he hung it around her neck again.  They were one, the story was getting so good.

    Each year on their anniversary, she tried to make sure they took a picture of them together.  She'd place it across from the wedding picture in the other little 'frame' in the locket.  When the children began coming, she'd replace it every year with a family picture.  The story was growing, and sometimes the pages were stained with peanut butter and jelly finger prints.  It really didn't matter, cause the finger prints could be washed off, but they really just made the story stick together all the more.  Before they knew it, the kids had left home and now the yearly picture was just the two of them together again, but they were still young and had lots more story to write in this book together.

   Neither of them planned it, nor did they expect it to happen, but tragedy struck.  Their story cut short and when the anniversary came, instead of their yearly picture, she sat weeping by a casket. The locket hung around her neck, with last years anniversary picture in it, and of course their long faded wedding picture.   Their story was over, but the love never ends, always remember by her and her little golden book-shaped locket.