Finding Value

Tyson and Sarah arm wrestling on the old trunk on the day of their engagement. 

2 Cor. 4:7 "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

 

    Before Todd and I were even married, I acquired an old steamer trunk from some friends rummage sale.  The kind that stands upright, and has drawers and the other side has a place to hang things on these conveniently constructed wooden hangers.  

    The first year or so our marriage, that trunk was our dresser, until some friends came to visit, and gave us an old dresser of theirs. (I still have that one too)

    Later it became my sewing 'dresser' where I stored sewing supplies, and I believe I have always  stored in it, the sheet backdrops I drew and made for Todd's and my wedding that covered up the old ugly furnace in the fellowship hall.

     The thing is very heavy, and has always been a beast to move around.  In my present house, I didn't have room for it, so it's been sitting out in the garage.  I've used it a couple of times for a photography prop, but frankly, it was so heavy I had a hard time moving it around, so it just sat in it's spot on the garage floor.

   A few weeks ago, a friend of mine from SD, came up to Bismarck and we went out for coffee and she was telling me, that she was looking for a really narrow dresser for a small bed room for her daughter.  I thought of the old trunk and invited her to come over and take a look at it to see if it would work, and if it did, she could have it.

   She came and looked at it and said it would work perfect and she insisted she pay something for it, so I finally agreed to take her $50.  I was happy and so was she as we loaded it into her vehicle and she made her way home.

    A couple of days ago I got a text from her saying she wanted to return it to me cause she was feeling guilty cause she only had paid $50 for it, and she said it was worth way more than that.  I assured her it was fine, I was ok with it.  Then she text back that she had done some research on it, and it is worth around  $2000! (Although I doubt mine is worth that much because there is some damage.)   I text back my Wow! and man you got a really good deal then.  She kept saying she wanted to return it, and I said again, it was ok, I'm the one who sold it and didn't realize the value of it.   

   See the reality is, I sold it to her, I no longer own it, it's hers to do with as she pleases, even though I sold it way under it's actual value.  The mistake was mine.  I didn't know the treasure I owned.  I always thought it was cool, but I didn't realize it had value.  

   Then I got to thinking, isn't that how we are so often.  God has put great treasure within us, and we don't know the value of the life we live, and the gifts within us.  We sell ourselves short, for less than we're worth.  It sometimes isn't until someone else points out the value of something, or you take it to an 'expert' you find you've been carrying around treasure and viewing it as junk.

    I know I'm guilty of that so often.  I don't value the gift of God within me, the gift of just being me.  There's lots of reason's why a person gets to that point, but the reality is, I've been wrong when I devalued myself.  That's not how God sees me, nor should I.  In the past few years, I've been changing that very negative view of myself, and taking up God's view.  I'm his child, a valuable treasure to Him.  A pearl of great price.  No that's not being egotistical, quite the contrary, it's being humbled to know that God sees in me something of worth, and it's not me, it's what He put in me.

   My friend finally agreed to just keep the trunk and be happy with her good deal.  I'm not upset in the least, I'm happy to have lightened my load and glad she got a good deal and it's being useful to her. I also learned a great lesson, treasure the gift within for it is of great value!

When Love Comes in a Jelly Jar

I was just having one of those days, you know the kind you wish you could just skip; it's not that anything bad happened, I just felt incredibly discouraged.  I could feel depression knocking on my door and I didn't want to answer; it kept knocking, I kept ignoring, but I was getting more discouraged by the minute.  Suddenly my thoughts were flooded with doom and gloom, and the weights got heavier and heavier. Humm, wonder where that's all coming from, certainly not God!  

    So I took the dog for a walk.  Exercise should help right?  I cried and prayed most of the way, but I'm sure the dog didn't even notice, except he was exceptionally good for once.  Normally on a walk he's stopping to pee on something every few feet and I'm tripping over his leash, but somehow, today, he just trotted on beside me, enjoying the warm weather and only stopped to sniff a few things.  When I finished my trek around the neighborhood with the dog, I stopped to pick up today’s mail.  There was this box in the mail box, and I was curious, and trying to remember if I'd ordered anything lately, but as far as I could remember, I hadn't.  I finally pulled it out, (it was a pretty tight squeeze to get it in the little mailbox) I noticed it was from my friend Brenda in Montana.  For the life of me, I couldn't think of anything that Brenda would be sending me, and besides, my birthday was several weeks ago.  

   I went and sat on the chair on the porch, yes, it really was warm enough to sit outside today; imagine 54 degrees in North Dakota on January 27th! I opened the box with my mailbox key and as I started to unwrap the contents of the bubble wrap and tissue paper, I began to really cry, the big slobbery kind of cry, that requires Kleenex. It was a jar of Jalapeno/Basil Jelly that Brenda had made this fall, and I had heard how wonderful it was.  I cried and cried.  I know, now you really think I'm crazy, I'm crying over jelly.  It wasn't the jelly, really, it was the thought behind it.  Although I am not a jelly fan at all, (PP&J's are only good if you leave off the 'J') I do love Jalapeno Jelly.  I'd been teasing Brenda about her jelly since she made it last fall, (showing off her  wonderful jars with Facebook pictures) saying she should "Beam me up Scottie" so I could come have a taste.  

    I dialed her number, still sobbing, then thought maybe I should have waited till I quit crying so I wasn't blowing snot in her ear.  The tissue wrapping paper became my Kleenex, and I finally dried my eyes, and had a wonderful long chat with Brenda, her every word lifting my sinking spirit. 

     Friends that love you, that don't even care if you're blowing your nose and can barely talk through the tears, those kind of friends are a such a treasure.  I'm so thankful God has put not only Brenda, but many others like her that have been there for me no matter what.  They know my heart, and believe in me, even when I don't.  They're there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and bruised my knee. They are there when I don't think there's any hope, to remind me of the God of all hope. They are there showing me God still loves me and has plans for me too. I thank God so much for my friends.

    Thank you Brenda for the jelly and the encouragement, and most of all thank you Jesus for showing me love in a jar of jelly. (Yah, it's got a good kick too!)

  Prov 27: 9 says, “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.” (HCSB)

     

The Anniversary

"Mom, don't do it, do you really want this memory on your Anniversary?"

"What difference is gonna make, this is when he died, it will always be remembered at this time anyway.  This is the day we started our lives together, this will be the day, we honor him and we say our good-byes."

That was my conversation with my oldest son, Tyson, last year, concerning when to have Todd's funeral.  I chose today, January 2.  It just seemed the right thing to do.  I don't regret my decision.    I wanted to honor Todd in every way possible.  

How does one say their good-byes to your best friend, spouse, lover, prayer partner, pard, soulmate?  It's been a very long hard process.  There's not been a day gone by this past year, when I haven't missed him, thought of him, remembered a memory of him.

God sent me on a journey this past year, that is probably not the typical grieving widows journey,  but it was a journey I needed.  It required a lot of time traveling, and God so graciously supplied me with the money for every part of the journey.  He sent me back to places that sometimes were hard to go back to, some were a joy to return to.  Every place, every person, significant in Todd's and my life together.  It was like putting a puzzle together that had just been dumped on the ground.  I had memory of it all as a picture before, but it had been destroyed, and now piece by piece God is putting it back together.  Some of you were there helping me put the pieces back together, helping me find the connecting pieces of what the picture of my life will look like now.  

I've never been good at putting puzzles together, just ask my kids.  I struggle for hours, if my patience lasts that long,  just trying to find two pieces that connect.  Once in a illustrated lesson with Kristi, I was suppose to put together this really simple puzzle (with the picture), while she had to put together a more difficult puzzle without the picture of what it looked like.  She finished her difficult puzzle, and had to help me finish mine.  So much for an illustration. (The point trying to be made was when you have the picture of what you're doing- the Bible as your guide- you can put your puzzle together quicker.)  We've had a few laughs over that one.  

A friend, on one of my journeys, described my past year as this, "Kelley, it's like God has been giving you connections, like a net being tied together.  It's like a safety net, to help and protect you."  I thought that was a great illustration.  

In the back of the guest book from our wedding, I have written down what we did every year on our Anniversary.  I have no entry to write this year, only memories to remember of the one who I loved more than anyone else. So wish he was still in the present picture, but he'll always be in my heart. Love and miss you Todd.  

Faded Jeans- Remembering today... Dec 22

  I looked down at my jeans tonight and noticed how they've faded, and it just doesn't seem like that it could be that long since I bought them.  I remember the day well, it was last Dec 23, 2013 at the north Walmart in Bismarck.  I walked through the store like in a daze, it was the last place on earth I wanted to be.  I wanted to be home sobbing, but there were things that needed to be done, as Tyson and Sarah would be arriving later that day, and as usual I had left the grocery shopping to the last minute.  Before leaving the store, I decided I better pick up some new black jeans to wear, as my present pair were not very presentable.  So much of me just said, forget it, I'll do this later, I hate shopping, especially for clothes.  I'm sure some people would disapprove of me wearing jeans and my western jean jacket at your funeral, but you always liked that jean jacket, and you'd rather be in a pair of Wranglers any day to anything else.  I did it to honor you.

    I tried on a couple of pairs, and found one that fit, and made my way to the checkout.

    I still remember the checkout gal, asking, "How are you today?  Did you find everything?"  I just looked at her blankly and said "It's been a pretty tough last 24 hours."  I'm sure she thought I was  speaking of last minute Christmas shopping, but that was the furthest thing from my mind.  I didn't elaborated, cause frankly, I don't think she really cared, and how does one tell someone, that the love of your life just died last night, and now I'm faced with a life without him.

   I paid for my purchases, and drove home, fighting off the cold subzero cold outside, and a colder feeling on the inside.  The next nine days were a battle, not only emotionally, but physically, as the flu hit.  I can't remember the last time I was in bed for days with a high fever and vomiting.  There were times, when I had no clue what was going on outside that bedroom door.  I just knew I had to get well, as we wanted to make your celebration day special and meaningful.

    So here I sit a year later, still wearing those black jeans, even though they're fading and wearing out. I'm thinking it's maybe time to go shopping again, but you know how I hate shopping for clothes. 

     We made it down to Tulsa late last night,  this is the first time all the kids and I have been together since the funeral.  We went out to eat tonight and sat and told stories of Todd on the anniversary of his home coming while munching down the chips and salsa, his favorite.  I always teased Todd he was Mexican by taste bud.

    Thank you to all who have read my blogs this year, you know who you are, yup, all 32 of you!  LOL, but truly, thank you for taking the time to listen to my heart, as I've walked this journey without Todd.  Your encouraging comments are always helpful, and have given me strength to go on and continue.  

    Merry Christmas!