This morning I awoke, thinking of a dear friend, who lost her son a couple months ago, yesterday would have been his birthday. I saw on FaceBook another friend with a heavy heart over a class mate that is no longer here. At some point in your life you will be hit with grief. Depending on how close you had a relationship with the one that has died, will decide how much that grief will affect you. It has been said that two people die every second of every day somewhere in the world. At some point, in your life, one or two of those people will be in your realm of friends and family.
In a conversation with my son Tyson about a month ago, he said, "Mom, I thought grief was optional. Like you could choose to grieve or not to grieve. I've found out that's not so. You just grieve." Loosing a Dad is a close relationship, it hits you hard.
I know someone out there is saying right now, "You're a believer, you shouldn't be grieving." I don't grieve as someone who has no hope, I know where Todd is, but the Bible says you still grieve. If you were never meant to grieve why would God say He'd comfort you?
I still have a human body, this flesh, my earth suit. It hurts, and has feelings, and is physically affected by grief. I thought no way would that happen to me. Oh, silly me... For several weeks after Todd moved to heaven, my physical heart would race, and my chest would feel so constricted, it felt like the beginning of a heart attack (or so I would imagine it may feel). I would feel panic in crowds of people, like someone was pushing me into a box and closing off all my air. I felt exhausted and tired, like I could never get enough sleep (having the flu and high fever right after Todd died was not helping me physically either). I've thrown up more, for sometimes no particular reason, in the last three months, then ever in my life (except when I was pregnant, then I threw up constantly). What is all this? Grief. Then there's the uncontrolled tears that come at strange times, like in the middle of Taekwondo Class, when I can't figure out what to do, total melt down. There's times of confusion and muttled thinking and I feel like I'm watching myself, shaking my head wondering, what's wrong with me. I usually have things more together than this. Grief.
I read recently something by Elizabeth Elliot, that grief hit her in the grocery store once, and she sobbed uncontrollably for like 20 minutes standing there in the grocery aisle. After reading that, I thought, I guess I'm ok, those tears will just come, even when we don't expect them.
No one can walk the road for me, I have to walk through this myself. I know there's those that are walking beside me. My kids for sure. Their grief, though very deep, is still a different grief than mine. This was their Dad, for me, this was my husband. Two very painful losses.
I guess what I've really learned in the past three months is, it's ok. It's ok to grieve, it's actually healthy, as long as I don't stay here forever, and I keep moving on. My heart will always love, and always miss Todd, it can't be helped, he was a major part of my life. Including our time of dating, it's been 33 years he was a part of my everyday thoughts, prayers and life. How could his move not affect me? Every night his empty pillow is a constant reminder he's not here, his silent clothes still hanging in the closet never to be worn by him again. (I still haven't been able to deal with removing them yet.) I did get so far as to move his socks out of the dresser drawer, but when I started to put some of my things in his drawer, I broke down in sobs and decided I can't do that quite yet. May sound stupid I know, but it's a process. The other thing I learned, is it takes way more time, than I ever dreamed it would. Don't expect me, or anyone else with a great loss, to be back to 'normal' in a couple of months. There is no more normal for me. Everything is starting over. That can be a good thing, but it isn't in anyway an easy thing. Daily I'm staring down 'firsts' in my life. Daily having to learn to do this as 'me' and not as 'we.' And to be really frank, it's not very fun.
Todd and I had always dreamed of growing old together, we had plans of wanting our 75th anniversary announced on "Paul Harvey." (yah, I know he's not alive anymore, but you know what I mean.) It's hard now to look at couples that have been married a long time, and not feel a little hurt, cause I'll never have that now. That's called grieving a loss, that was attached to the loss of my loved one. There's the grief of knowing my precious little granddaughters will never know their Grandpa Todd. Kadence has some memory of him now, but she's only two, eventually that will fade from her. He'll never get to give them horse rides.
Grief, it changes you. When I hear of someone else loosing a loved one, I know the feeling, the sorrow, the hurt. I want to reach out and fix it for them, but I know I can't any more, than I can fix for myself. You just keep walking through it. Learning it's ok to keep living. It's ok to laugh again. It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok, to go on. Going on with life, doesn't mean I've forgotten him, it means I love him all the more. He can no longer come to me, but someday I will be reunited with him.
Grief, for me, has been digging in deeper knowing my Lord. Worshiping with every fiber of my being, knowing in worship, I can touch the realm of heaven, or at least yearn to. I want to join with the heavenly hosts, and that great crowd of witnesses who have gone on before me, in worship to the one true King. I want to hear the angels sing "Holy, holy, holy," as I sing it forth from my lips too. When your other half moves to heaven, heaven becomes so much more real. Actually it's more real than earth.
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People always seem to ask me how I'm doing. I mostly answer, "I don't know, how am I suppose to be doing?" I guess that's answering a question with a question. For some, like the checker at Walmart, it's just a greeting. For others, they are concerned and hope I'm ok. It's an awkward question for me to answer, cause I don't know the answer. If I go by emotions, that answer can change from minute to minute. If I go by what God says, there's more stability to that answer, but not all of that is a total revelation yet in my life. I have moments of sheer panic for my future, then I hear the Lord say to my heart, "I got you covered, it's gonna be ok." I then have a choice, do I go with the panic, or do I trust the Lord, that He's got me covered, and has a plan for me? Choices. Life is full of them every day. What we choose often affects more than just my own life. It affects everyone around me too. Sometimes I make good choices, and sometimes, I blow it. So do you. We're human, living in this flesh, life is a battle, but we can have victory, but I think it only comes through Jesus.
I remember when I was a kid, in gym class, and they would choose up teams, I was always the last pick, and sometimes it was said, "I don't want her on my team." Athletics has never been 'my thing.' I knew just as much as all the other kids, those kids that were really good. I wanted to be on their team, cause then there was a greater chance of winning, even if I wasn't very good. (I carried the name of "statue" all through grade school for my batting ability. I usually only made it to base if I got hit by the ball, and got to walk it.) But even though I was terrible at athletics, I still wanted to win and be on the winning team. Thank God, with Jesus, I'm on a winning team. It may look like I'm loosing at this game of life, but I read the last chapter, and my team wins! And the good thing about this team, the captain wanted me on His team!