Museum of Memories

Shaw farm in the early 1900's

Shaw farm house 2018

  

 I’ve spent some time in the last couple of weeks down in Mandan at my family’s farm. My Dad passed away at Easter, and my Mom has now moved into an apartment in town, as the farm is just too much work for her to take care of at 87 years old.

   My siblings had been working for days by the time I got there.  They had spent hours donned with dust masks emptying out the old rock basement of all it’s hidden treasures, some left by my grandparents, and a few by the homesteaders in the late 1880’s.  Years of setting things aside, for the next generation to find, and have to decide what has to be done with it. Sadly most of the treasures in the basement had to be tossed as moisture, and mold had taken hold and disintegration had begun.

   There were other closets that held treasures too many to tell of.  Things hidden for years, and not discovered until now.  We even found our great Grandfather’s law books in the attic from the late 1880’s.  He was one of the first lawyers and a judge  in the Dakota Territory, and was there helping North Dakota became a state.  

    My daughter showed up late on the 4th of July and spent a couple of days helping sort through things, having a few days off from her summer job in Medora.  That evening, I spent telling her stories of my childhood in this old farm house.  Showing her many treasures that triggered my memory of stories long forgotten even to me.  The treasures were wonderful to find, but sad at the same time, as it means there will be no more memories in the old house, or adventures out across the pastures and field.  Someone else will soon enjoy the beauty of this old farm, overlooking the Missouri River.  It saddens my heart that soon I won’t be heading up Highway 1806 to visit one of my favorite places on this earth.

    The last few weeks, truly have been a Museum of Memories.  That’s all we really have left of our past, memories.  I’m not dwelling there, but it was nice to visit to remember from whence I have come.  It’s wonderful to remember that I grew up in a house full of love and music, in a family that worked hard on the land as well knowing how to have times of fun.  I learned hard work will pay off if you don’t quit. I know what it’s like to get up at five a.m. and haul hay before the heat of the day makes it unbearable.  I know what a bale hook is, and how to use it in a little round bale.  My Dad being one of the last in North Dakota to use a small round baler. He finally was forced to quit when parts were no longer available.  

     I learned it’s always important to stop and enjoy life along the way.  I have memories of many Sunday afternoon times at the sandbar.  Running through hot sand and jumping into a pothole to cool off.  

    Memories become like a museum.  We see the past and what it held but we don’t live there anymore, we don’t do things the way we did as a child.  Life has changed and we grow up and move on.  There are things to remember, in our museum of memories and there are things to forget. But never forget the love, it’s the best item on display in our museum of memories, and that never gets old or out of style.

The Empty Cupboard

My Dad build these cupboards many years ago, just like all the other cupboards in this old farm house.

The Empty Cupboard

July 2018

As I closed the cupboard door, the emptiness of it echoed through the kitchen.

No more dishes, or can goods lined its shelves.

I remember the excitement as a child when my Dad built the cupboard.

First thinking how wonderfully talented my Dad was to be able to build something like this.

Next how cool it would be to have more cupboards in our old farmhouse kitchen.

As years went by, they become so common place, like they’d always been there.

When the kitchen got remodeled several years ago, these cupboards stood, while the rest were replaced.

I offered to repaint them for Mom and Dad, so they would match the new ‘purchased’ cupboards.

 

Now they stand empty, the house cleared out, the residents within have moved on.

Dad onto his eternal home, Mom into an apartment in town, where the work and upkeep won’t have to be her worry.

So empty cupboard attached to my childhood home, I just want to say.

Thanks for the memories and all the love you held.

Old Roanie and Dad

Dad putting up hay in 2015.

Back in 2015, I was visiting with my Dad (Donald Shaw) and he told me this story.  I thought it was so good, and didn't want to forget it so I wrote it down.  Dad always had a general dislike for horses, and I always thought it was cause they ate so much (thus he called all horses 'hay burners'), but this story gave more insight into his dislike.  When we lived there at the farm with Mom and Dad for a time, and had a couple of our horses there too, Dad almost seemed to enjoy them.  I guess as long as he didn't have to hook them to a plow, a horse could be okay. 

Old Roanie

   That old work horse was more trouble than it was worth.  It was constantly causing trouble for Don as a kid.  As a young teenage boy he had Old Roanie hooked to the two bottom plow and was plowing up and down that old hill across the road from the house.  Roanie had a mind of his own and just decided he didn't want to work any more, and when Don turned the team towards the east which would face the house, Old Roanie took off with the plow and headed home, there was no stopping him.  He had decided it was quitting time.

  This wasn't the first time Old Roanie had caused more than problem for the Shaw farm.  Back then in the late 30's it was open range.  Roanie went and grazed where he pleased, which was often in the neighbors grain bins.  He could actually open the gate all by himself, and even would move it to the side after he had lifted the latch to make his escape from the corral.  Open range meant going where ever he pleased.  One neighbor got pretty tired of Roanie getting into their grain and took a shot at him with a shot gun to scare him off.  Don found Roanie down in the Bottoms with a shoulder full of shot and just standing there shaking, it really didn't slow him down too much though, once he healed up he was right back at it.

   Don also had another old work horse called Dick. Dick was about four feet wide, or at least seemed that way to the young Don.  He said he had to do the splits to sit on his back.  They never owned a saddle, so it was always bareback riding for him.  He got dumped a few times off Dicks back, as it was hard to hold on to such a large tub of a horse.

  This added to Don's general dislike of horses.  It was hard work plowing and planting with ornery old horses when you were such a little kid.  He was so happy to finally get a tractor in 1948 so he could quit farming with horses. That old 16 horse power tractor wasn't much but it sure beat a horse who had a mind of it's own.

Saying Goodbye for me but Hello Again for Todd

  The man walked slowly along the beautiful river. The clearness and the sparkles in the water somehow always refreshed his soul. But then again, it was the River of Life, Heaven  has a way of making all things beautiful.  The man couldn’t hardly think back when he walked the shores of the Missouri river here on earth, those were all a distant memory, the greatness and beauty of heaven overshadowing all that he left behind on earth.

   Suddenly he heard a sound in the distance, that shook him out of his beautiful surroundings. A distant memory. Could it be? Is it really?

   From over a small hill came a man dressed in white, and beside him, a bounding black and white dog.  The man smiled and laughed and let out his ‘whistle.’ At that the dog took off at a dead run, and leapt into the man's arms as he approached.  “Quito” he whispered. The loving dog licked his face, the reunion was cherish by both man and dog.

   The man in white approached as the man and his dog rolled in the green grass, laughing with a joy only a reunion like this could explain. The man in white spoke as the two laughed on.  “She asked him if he wanted to come play with you today.  The tears were running down her face, as she had to let him go to come to you. Here there is no sorrow, but on earth, the tears are flowing."  

    “Is she really sad?” the man asked. 

    “Yes," said the man in white, “Sadder than you can imagine.  For she held onto him as her last connection to you.  She cared for him greatly even here when he was fading, and her heart was breaking as she knew he would be leaving her soon.”  

    “I wish I could see her, and tell her it’s ok. Not to cry anymore, as there’s no tears here.”  said the man.  

   Suddenly a veil was rolled back, and the man could see her on earth.  Sitting in her back yard crying, as the raindrops were softly falling all around her.

   “Tears from heaven.” she said quietly.

   “What is she doing?” the man asked.

   “What do you think she’s doing?” the man in white asked.

   “Writing.  She always loved to write.  She could always put on paper, the deep words of her heart.”

     “Yes, that’s what she is doing.” said the man in white.

     “Can we tell her we love her, and it’s ok?” said the man.

     “I’ll tell her, but I think she already knows.”

   The scene suddenly changed to earth, and the women sitting alone with tears streaming down her face.

   “Thank you Lord for a loyal pet, who loved me, and was always so concerned about me.  When one loves deeply, the sorrow is ever so deep too.  But I know you can turn my sorrow into dancing, my sadness into joy.  But for this moment, I weep, because I just lost my best fur friend I’ve ever had. Have Todd take care of him now up in heaven, and tell, them it really won’t be long, and we’ll all be together.”

   With that the woman closed her computer screen, and went back into the house.  She saw the dog's water and food dish by the back door, and there was a catch in her throat.  This time he’s not coming back, there’s no need for it any more.  She emptied the food back into the food bin to give to a friend who has a dog.  The water dish she put away, her heart breaking for the empty spot it left.

     She looked at the painting she had painted a year ago, of the two of them together. “Well, they're together again,” she said with a tear rolling down her cheek.  “Loved you both so very much. You’ll always be in my heart.”

______________

“Quito”  spring of 2006- July 20, 2017.  Our beloved border collie.

Today I said good bye to the best dog ever!  Quito captured the hearts of everyone that met him.  This last few years he had retired from being a cattle dog, and had become an excellent 'greeter' at Alive Christian Fellowship.  He always made people feel welcome and loved.  He cared greatly for those who were hurting, and would often come and lay his head in their lap to give his comfort in the only way he knew.
Last night he seizured, and was no longer able to get up and walk. The vet discovered a large mass on his spleen, so large that it had pushed his intestines out of place.  This explains his moans in the last month or more and also his dropped appetite.  His blood count was low so very possibly he was bleeding internally too.  It was the hardest decision of all to say good bye to such a loyal pet.  Love you so much Quito.
I'm sure Todd is having fun playing with you now.

    

     

Good Bye Fluffy

Fluffy from several years ago.  But I've always loved this picture of him.

   The house seemed extra quiet tonight when Quito and I walked through the door. There was no Fluffy waiting for us, hoping to escape out the door before I could catch him.  

   I set his empty kennel on the floor, with his empty collar and ID tag attached to the door.  I felt I just can’t deal with it right now.  I shed tears today, and actually surprised myself.  I’m crying over a cat!  Hey, don’t judge me, I’m not a cat hater, I’ve always loved the little furry critters.  Fluffy was no exception.  He did annoy me with his constant hair all over my furniture though.  But he made up for his annoying hair, with an occasional jump into my lap, and soft purr rumbling giving me warmth on a cold winter night.  I guess when ever he did jump into my lap I really enjoyed it, cause with Fluffy, it was the exception not the rule.  It meant I was finally allowed into his circle of love.  Even after Kristi left home, it as months before he would acknowledge I even existed.  He was a one person cat. Kristi reigned supreme in his eyes and heart.  When she was no longer around, he finally settled for me for a soft lap, since I was all that was left in the house.

   He ruled over Quito too.  It always amazed me how this maybe 9 pound cat, ruled over a 65 pound dog.  If Fluffy wanted Quito’s bed, he got it, Quito got up and moved somewhere else.  Does Quito realize he’s gone?  Has he noticed he’s not around to pester him?  I don’t think he’s noticed yet.

   I stepped into my sunroom, and expected to see him lying on the freezer, watching the neighbors birds.  Since the neighbor has a big bird feeder, Fluffy has enjoyed this perch all winter watching the birds, hoping to get outside and do some hunting himself.

    So I again say good bye to something I love.  Another empty spot in my heart.  Yah, I know it was only a cat, but you just get use to him being there, and now he’s gone, it’s just another adjustment in my life again.    I do want to thank Fluffy for all the mice he caught, he did his job well.  He thoroughly enjoyed hunting.  He was just being who he was made to be.  Now, I need to follow his example and just be who I am meant to be. I don’t catch mice (thank God!) but hopefully who I am is a blessing to those around me.  

    By the way, Fluffy was originally named “Charcoal” because he looked like the color of charcoal.  His first winter, he got ‘fluffier, and fluffier’ till we couldn’t help but call him “Fluffy”.  I always hoped it didn’t hurt his male ego to be called a less than masculine name, but it so fit him.  

   Good bye, Fluffy, you’ll be missed greatly.

My last picture of Fluffy.  From Sunday night.  He was very sick, and kept crawling into his litter box to sleep.  I guess when a cat is very ill, they'll do this.  It didn't seem like a pleasant place to sleep to me though. 

Lessons from a Retired Cattle Dog

My crazy old dog all dressed up being a 'cowboy' 

   Quito has been in retirement for some time now, and has adjusted to the life of a 'city dog' quite well. I think he truly enjoys the pleasure of getting to be 'in the house,' compared to his  Cowdog life of always being in the barn or garage on the ranch.  But as an elderly dog, he has taken on a few irrational fears, but still not uncommon to the canine breed.

  Thunder and fireworks are an evil enemy, nothing short of comparing them to a terrorist or a demon in Quito's doggy mind.  A couple nights ago, I learned something from his terror though.

   It was 2 am, and I was sleeping fitfully in my camper (still my home at the moment), and trying to find a comfortable position in my not so comfortable mattress.  My lower back again aching from the awful support.  I shifted over to another portion of the bed and tried to fall back to sleep. Suddenly without warning, Quito jumped into the bed and snuggled up as close as he could to me, shaking and trembling in fear. Maybe he saw a spider!   

    Now you have to understand, he has never gotten on my bed before, although he has tried a couple of times.  I tried, without success to get him off, but he was not budging.  Now remember he is a 65 pound dog, so pushing him off the bed is no easy feat for me. I finally gave up and let him stay, panting, drooling, slobbering all over my sheets.  His whole body was shaking.  There was no fireworks outside, and from my ears, no thunder. What was his problem?  About 20 minutes later, I heard the first rumble. And yes, but this time, I had checked the radar on my phone, and knew a storm was approaching. As you can see, I don't really need a weather alert radio (I do have one though) cause I have a weather alert dog.

   When the thunder and lightening and rain moved in, a strange thing happened to Quito.  He suddenly calmed down, breathing went to almost normal, and I think he even fell asleep for a bit.  What?!  All this panic, and then calm when it hit?

    I got to thinking of how many times I've done that. Feared what was coming, only to find out when it hit it really wasn't that bad, and calmed down while walking through it.  The fear of the unknown gets us more than we like to admit doesn't it? 

    On Sunday, July 3, I came down to Bismarck to spend the 4th with my family and son. I made my annual trip to Art in the Park in Mandan, always a highlight of the 4th for me.  This time, I had Quito with, so it was also the shortest trip through Art in the Park for me.  On the way to Art in the Park, I stopped by my cousin's house to say hi, as I had parked in a parking lot close to her house.  

    Quito met several 'friends' in the Park, and I stopped and talked to several other dog owners about fireworks and dogs, and how they just don't mix too well.  After my quick trip though the show, I headed back to my vehicle.  As I passed by my cousin's house, Quito made a quick turn up their side walk, and was pulling on his lease for me to go that way.  I was amazed. It's not like he's ever been there before except for our brief stop earlier.  We'd passed by lots of houses, and how did he know that was her house?  I didn't stop, but went on to the parking lot. Which was fairly full of other SUV's similar to mine. I said, "Ok, Quito, find our car."  He went right up to our car, and stood at the back door waiting to be let in. I was truly amazed.  Sometimes I can't even find my own car in a parking lot, but here my dog can!  Maybe my Mom is right, she always says, "It's scary having Quito around, cause I think he's smarter than me."  Well, he really isn't Mom, but he sure is a smart dog. 

     Speaking of my Mom, if I just say to Quito, "Want to go to the farm?" He gets so excited he literally jumps!  He loves my Mom and Dad as much as they love him.  Of course part of it maybe that they let him come into the house now, at least as far as the laundry room and kitchen. :-) 

    I've learned a lot from this old canine.  Don't be afraid of the approaching storm, it really won't be that bad, and always remember where you parked your car. 

    Have a great day! 

    "Bark, bark" from Quito too!

    

Barking at the Rain

Quito laying on his blanket this morning amidst the various wet items laid out to dry that got soaked in the storage area under the couch.

   

About the time I went to bed last night, Quito started his nervous panting.  The ‘scared’ season has begun.  If you don’t have a dog that’s scared of thunder you won’t understand.  In so many ways this dog is fearless. He’ll bark down anything, and step in and protect the smallest and weakest of the crowd. Don’t believe me? Just act like you’re chasing a toddler in front of Quito, and you’re going to find a growling dog between you and the toddler.  He will protect if he even thinks you mean to harm in the slightest way.  But when a thunder storm moves in, he quivers and shakes and starts to pant like crazy.  Yes, I do have a Thunder Jacket for him, but I had left it in the church, and I was too tired to go out and get it.  I tired petting him, and talking to him telling him it’s gonna be OK, but nothing was working.  I crawled into bed, and for the first time since I moved into the camper, I swear that dog was about to jump into bed with me, if he could have done it.  He did manage to squeeze around the little storage tower next to the bed, (believe me, it’s a very small space) and got so he was right next to me on the floor.  When it started to rain, he started to bark.  I actually found it comical. Poor dog was so terrified, and he thought barking at the rain pounding on the roof was going to stop it. I finally got him calmed down and he curled up next to me on the floor by the bed and went to sleep. This spot of course is only about 12” wide, but maybe the tightness of it all made him feel a little more secure.

   I awoke, from the little sleep I did get, to feeling rather cold.  The furnace again, running but not working.  It’s been this random problem, where it will start, but not fire, and just blow cold air.  The only thing I’ve found so far that ‘fixes’ it, is to get up, turn it off, and wait a minute or so, then turn it back on.  Usually does the job.  So as I got up to do that this morning, and was  walking through the camper, I stepped in wet carpet.  Yup, every spot that could leak, leaked.  My one spot I was suspicious that could leak, and where I had run out of roof sealer last time I tried to fix the roof, was soaked.  Thankfully everything in that cupboard, was in plastic containers.  All around my slide-out was also soaked.  The storage area under the couch soaked.  And of course everything in the storage area also soaked. Later I found both windows in the bedroom have leaked, and the carpets were soaked there too.

   I’m so thankful for the rain, as I know we need it so bad, but it’s looking like I’m going to need to do some repair work, on my tiny little camper/home soon.

   I’m not complaining, it’s just part of the adventure. It’s part of life. We can learn it’s useless to bark at the rain we can do nothing about.  It’s silly to be afraid of thunder which can not hurt you, but only makes noise.  We can also learn to repair the small leaks in our life, if left unattended, can cause major damage through out, and mold will set in and destroy. 

   Hope your day leak proof and thunder-less today!

55 years of Thankfulness!

 

Me and my curly top hair that first year.

Today I turn 55, I believe every year of my life I have something to be thankful for, so I’m going to try to list, as best as I can remember what I can be thankful for in that year.

Year:

1- I was born into a good family that loved me and thought I was adorable! Yah, I was a really cute baby with a ton of curly hair! 

2- My Mom and Dad along with my three older sisters thought I was adorable and were teaching me all kinds of things.

3- Though sometimes I was naughty (what three year old isn’t) my Mom and Dad were firm in their discipline to teach me right from wrong

4- When people asked my Mom what my name was she loved to tease me and say “George” to which I would cry and say, no it’s ‘Kelley'.  Why am I thankful for that? Cause it’s a nickname that has stuck through the years and it was just a way of Mom showing her love with a playful name to me.

5- I was thankful to get to attend ‘Kindergarten’ for a few weeks at the country school house just a mile or so from my house.  My older sisters and a few neighbor kids were also there.  I’m thankful that I got younger brother this year too.

6- Every day I was thankful to sit in school at the country school and learn things from Mrs Olander, and look out those big windows to the lovely prairie and Missouri River

7- School was wonderful, and recess at the old country school was so fun. I even got to ring the bell when recess was done, what a privilege.

8- Though I was terrified to go to school in town at the big school of Lewis and Clark, kind family friends made me feel welcome, Lori Setterlund, Diane Willis, and Benji Dove all made life a little easier for me.

9- I had a wonderful teacher named Mrs Bond who so encouraged me in my art work.  I would bring her my drawings and she’d hang them on the bulletin board, like it was a work from Michelangelo.

10- Though I still didn’t understand fractions and division very well, and failed at gym class all the time, I was starting to love to write & read, for that I am thankful.

11- The best year of my life, when I met Jesus as my Lord.  I am so thankful for salvation, and the Maranatha Coffee House, that taught me so much about Jesus.

12- I started playing guitar and singing with "Sweet Love”  What a wonderful time we had singing for Jesus

13- Though Jr High can be tough, I’m thankful for my friends at the Coffee House that helped me take a stand for Jesus, even though I was made fun for it, by my classmates.

14- I was so thankful for the Fellowship of Maranatha Coffee House, and learning to lead people in worship time.

15- I was thankful to get to see more of the country when we went to Maine to see my Mom’s family who lives there. What a beautiful country we live in!  

16- I’m thankful I had fallen in love with music.  Band and Choir were my focus points of High School.  I especially was thankful for the opportunity to be going to a school that had a Marching Band that preformed at Half Time. Why else would one go to a football game?!

17- So thankful for the wonderful Choir teacher I had, Mr Franke, who always encouraged me in singing and playing guitar.  Though I’m a self taught guitarist, Mr Franke did give me a few private lessons in High School, and taught me things I don’t think I would have learned on my own.

18- So thankful for a wonderful Art teacher, that encouraged me in my art work.  Though I almost failed the sculpting section, my drawing was expanding and growing. I was also thankful that I was Student Council President.  Though I won the election by default (no one ran against me), and I was terrified every time I had to stand in front of the Student Body and speak, I’m thankful that it put the confidence in me, that I can do this, and not die in the process!-  Was so thankful to graduate with honors from High School!!

19- Thankful for my year at Moorhead State University.  I’m thankful for my life long friend (then roommate) Lisa.  Thankful for the opportunity to travel to Europe with the Choir, even though I hadn’t even made Choir (but had the Chamber Choir). Thankful I could learn music fast, as I had to learn it all in about two weeks.

20- Thankful for my summer at Circle C Ranch, that eventually lead me to going to Shiloh Training Institute in Montana. 

21- Thankful that I met and married my best friend; Todd Reuer. Life with Todd was always an adventure.  Thankful that Todd survived a terrible head-on car accident, and walked away with only a scratch. God was teaching me the power of prayer!

22- Though I missed the mountains, I was thankful to be back on the prairie in South Dakota with Todd

23- Thankful to be traveling and ministering with Wayne Buechler Evangelistic Ministry. What a great learning time!

24- Thankful to spend another summer at Circle C Ranch ministering to kids and adults and filing their hearts with the love of Jesus.  

25- Thankful for the year we spent in Steele ND, helping start the Word of Faith Church there. Such wonderful life long friends we met there.

26- Thankful for the opportunity to travel with Pastor Tim Davidson to various outreaches.  We lead worship and he preached.  Such good times we had. Thankful to have moved to Hazen to start another church there.

27- Thankful for the birth of my first child the day after my birthday! What a joy to have a son! Tyson James is truly a gift from Heaven.

28- Thankful for the opportunity to have traveled overseas to South East Asia. What a life changing trip for me.  The world is so much bigger than my little world here on the prairie. Thankful that we were able to take Tyson with, his first missionary journey, at the age of one!

29- Thankful to have the opportunity to live and pastor in Kenmare, ND and start Grace Christian Fellowship.  How we loved the wonderful people in Kenmare.

30- Thankful for the birth of my second son! Philip John what a joy you brought to our lives with all your silliness and activity.  What fun it was to raise not one, but two sons!  Was also thankful to get to travel on another mission trip to Mexico, with both the boys along. Putting missions into their hearts at an early age.

31- Thankful that I got to teach music at the Mobridge Area Christian School. What fun we had with our musicals!

32- Thankful to be able to lead worship at Family Fellowship Center in Timber Lake, SD. So thankful to work with Pastors Diana and Duane Covey for 15 years!

33- Thankful to be able to live on the ranch, and raise our boys in a ranch setting

34- Thankful that Todd survived a terrible Four Wheeler Accident.  Thankful again for prayer!

35- Thankful for the birth of my only daughter Kristi Grace! What a miracle you are!  You finally brought some lace and fluff into my life. 

36- Thankful to get work for Howard and Darlene Harrison for the next 10 years.  If I ever get to be a boss, I want to be just like them.  They taught me what it means to treat your employees right! 

37- Thankful for the chance to go to Branson MO with Auntie Kim.  She survived nine days with us all in our pop up camper.  The memories of Silver Dollar City are some of the best. 

38- Thankful for my homeschool friends. What a wonderful bunch of people. Thankful for the Oahe Area Home Educators (OAHE) group, I was able to start and lead for many years.  Though I lead it, it would have been nothing without all the other moms, who were the team support. We sure put one some fun Musicals and Plays!

39- Thankful for my stadium seat my kids gave me for Christmas, as I spent so much time on bleachers cheering on my kids at rodeos, basketball, baseball, football, and track meets. Thanks kids for saving my back and butt!

40- Thankful for each of the kids achievements on the field, arena or in the class room. My kids are awesome! 

41- Thankful that Todd survived another devastating accident, though this one left him never the same, with a Traumatic Brain Injury.  

42- Thankful that God kept us safe with so many miles we travels to ball games and rodeos.  With nothing more than one flat tire for all those years! (well, there might have been more than one flat tire come to think of it.)

43- Thankful for friends that loved to do things with me, like make cards, and scrap book. Always expanding my creative side.  My South Dakota friends are some of my best!  Love and miss them!

44- Thankful for one of my favorite family vacations we ever took.  Spent a week in the Black Hills in our little pop up camper with just Todd and the kids.  What wonderful memories.

45- Thankful that I graduated my first child from our Country Faith Home School.  He did well, and was a normal, smart kid.  

46- Thankful for Tyson to get to attend a year at Christ For the Nations in Dallas Tx, and we got to go visit him there.  What a long drive though! 

47- Thankful that we got to minister under Pastor Rick and Melanie Taylor in Limon CO.  My life was eternally  changed by the impact of them in my life.  So thankful for their friendship and support.  

48- Though saddened by the loss of Pastor Rick and daughter Bethany’s lives, I am so thankful I knew them.  This was an incredibly hard year for me.  Todd’s memory was deteriorating at a quickening pace, and we again moved across country, back to North Dakota. I’m thankful for loving parents that let us live in our horse trailer in their yard  and the kids in their house.

49- So thankful that Philip graduated from Napoleon High School and won a scholarship for football and track to college at Valley City State University! So proud of him!

50- Another incredibly hard year, as Todd was diagnosed as being in severe dementia, one of the finally stages of dementia.  I still remember walking out of the hospital with him, holding his hand in the pouring rain, and singing to him, “I’ll walk in the rain by your side…” (For Bobby by John Denver)  Again thankful that my parents took us in, and let us live with them, as Todd’s life was slipping away.

51- Thankful for my family that supported and loved me, as life was getting more and more bizarre with the effects of dementia on Todd.

52- The toughest year of my life, as it was riddled with no sleep and constant care of Todd. The year hurt more and more, as Todd went from being in the hospital and having two major seizures to nursing home care.  I am thankful for the wonderful care the Tioga Nursing Home gave him, though I felt ripped apart being so far away from him, and exhausted by the constant travel to go and see him.  But nothing prepared me for the devastating call on Dec 22, when he breathed his last breath, and went home to heaven.  I am thankful to God who gives comfort when no one else can.

53- I’m thankful to the Lord, for helping me begin to walk this road of Widowhood.  It was a year of many tears and travel, as the Lord sent me on a journey back to the places that meant a lot to Todd and I, to bring healing to my hurting heart. Thankful that Philip graduated from VCSU with honors!

54- I’m thankful for the joy of Kristi, and her graduating from our Country Faith Homeschool, and heading off to Bible College in Wyoming.  This ended 22 years of homeschooling for me, and closed another chapter in my life.  Though so tough to be all alone, I’m thankful for the new doors God has opened for me in pastoring Alive Christian Fellowship in Kenmare, ND.  

55- Brings me to today, and how thankful I am in all God has done in my life!  

As I look over my list, I see the pattern of one of the most repeated things I’m thankful for and that’s my parents.  I want to say on today, my 55th birthday, how much I love and appreciate them.  They have constantly loved me, and my family, and have always shown unbiased love to each of us “Shaw” kids.  They never played favorites, and were constant in their love and discipline.  In a world that’s riddled with divorce, my parents showed what it means to stay together, even when times are tough.  They gave such an incredible roll model for me as a wife and mother.  I’m thankful too for my siblings.  Though we’re all so different, there isn’t one of them I wouldn’t lay down my life for.  I’ve seen so many families that can’t stand their siblings, but I have to say, I love each of them deeply.  I attribute that love back to my parents again, who always kept harmony in our home.  Love you Mom and Dad, and thanks for bringing me into this world!!  

Where's Kelley?

  

Office space I made under the storage area at the Church.  Hours of sorting and cleaning, but it was well worth it!

  Did you ever search for Waldo in the 'Where’s Waldo?' books?  My daughter always thought those were so fun when she was younger, and we had one book that was a constant companion in our van for years, entertaining the kids as we put more miles on our vehicles than I care to share.

   Lately, I’ve had it asked of me several times, “So where are you now?”  and also, “Did you sell your house?”  When asked for my address lately, I’m not really sure what to give either.  So here’s the run down of where I am at the time of this writing. (Jan 12, 2016)

   I’m house-sitting for someone up in Kenmare (actually Tolley) and that’s where I’m at most of the time.  I’ve put a lot of miles on my vehicle in the last couple of months going back and forth between Kenmare and Bismarck, where, yes, I still own my home.  I did pull it from the market for right now, and 15 minutes after I pulled it off the market had a full asking price offer, but I turned it down.  My boys especially were wanting me to wait and not rush into anything.  The offer to house sit opened up right after that. I’m staying in a beautiful new farm home, enjoying wonderful sunrises, and the peace and quiet of the country. Quite a bit quieter after living between Century Avenue and I-94 for the last 2 1/2 years.  

    Quito has been with me the last month.  I’m sure we’re the only church in the state that has a dog in every service. So far so good.  He actually seems to have his own ‘ministry’ and often goes up to someone who is hurting, and lays his head in their lap.  So far everyone has been ok with it.  The first Sunday in church, I thought he might be bothering someone, and I said to him, “Quito. Come. Sit. Stay.”  He came and sat at my feet as I began to preach.  I looked at everyone then said, “I bet that’s not the normal words out of a pastors mouth on a Sunday morning, but maybe it should be.”  Everyone had a chuckle on that one.  Maybe more of us need to “Come, Sit and Stay” especially at the feet of Jesus.

    For now, since I don’t have an address here, I’m using the Church’s PO Box for an address.  But then again, everyone living in Kenmare has a PO Box, as there is no home delivery available within city limits.  

    I’ve been very busy adjusting to the life of a pastor.  Which not only involves learning to hear from God and give a sermon, but how to mop floors and scrub toilets, which I am already quite skilled at, having years of training in that area.  It’s listening to people pour out their hurts and pains, and you just want to cry with them, but also give them hope that through Christ there is an answer.  

   So through all the adjustments and even the constant traveling back and forth, and not living in my own home, I have to say, Life is good, cause God is good!  I’m still in a time of ‘living limbo’ but I know that too is also temporary.  

   If you can’t find me, just look for Quito, I’m sure I’m close by.  

Putting Away

    Yesterday I spent most of my afternoon, at the church, cleaning up after our New Years Eve Celebration, and putting away the Christmas Tree.  It’s always a little sad to me to put away the Christmas decorations each year.  For a brief month or so, they brighten up our lives in the dull of winter up here in the north.  In my home, I’ve gone to having lots of snowman decorations, so I can keep them up for a few more months till I’m so sick of winter (which is most of the time) and can almost taste spring. 

    There’s also the let down of all the planning and preparing for the ‘big day’ of Christmas, and then it’s over. One can look into the bleakness of January (at least it’s bleak- weather wise- in the north) and wonder what’s next?  No more twinkly lights, no more shopping and wrapping presents, and no more Christmas goodies that can make us gain a pound or two or three...

   Todd and I chose to keep the celebration going for a least one more week, as we married on January 2.  We kept the party rolling.  Then two years ago, there was a different kind of celebration on January 2, as we celebrated the life of Todd, and said good bye.  The days of celebrating our wedding anniversary were over. Oh, I can still celebrate the marriage we had, but I can’t celebrate it with him. Only the memories of a loved one  that’s gone, no longer tangible to touch, hold and hug.  So it’s now a ‘holiday’ I have to put away. 

  In I Timothy 1:19 it says, "Holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck.”  The one thing in life you do not want to put away, is your faith and a good conscience.  Those are to be held on to tightly so you don’t shipwreck your life!  

   Have you ever noticed, you can tear down things much quicker than putting them up?  It takes way longer to decorate the Christmas tree, than it does to tear it all down.  One must thoughtfully plan and think about where you want to place every decoration.  But in putting it away, it’s a quick process, that takes little thought and planning.

   But there is some things the Bible tells us to put away from our lives.  In Ephesians 4:31-32 it says, "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

  So let’s put away our anger, bitterness, wrath, evil speaking and the such and put on kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness in this new year.  Let 2016 be decorated with love and joy all year long.

   I have put away the Christmas tree, but I have put on new life in Christ, that’s decorated with his love, peace, joy and grace.  Happy New Year to you all!

   Just for fun, I’d thought I’d add this picture a friend of mine sent me while I was cleaning up at the Church. I thought it was quite fitting in lieu of what I was doing at the moment.  

   

Treasure in a Cardboard Box

   

    Tonight I was going through the last two boxes that I never unpacked when I moved to this house over two years ago. I had opened them, but had never really gone through them and sorted out the stuff in it. Why I was doing this, I'll explain later.  

         I found a treasure of great price.  Not in monetarily value, but the kind of value that's valuable for my heart.  A note from Todd.  

 

    This is when he could still write a little bit, but you can also see, it wasn't flowing normal.  Somehow this note reminded me of the scripture in Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us," HCSB‬‬

   I felt like he was cheering me on from that great cloud of witnesses, and saying, "Kelley, you have so much in you, you're an awesome person.  Go, Kelley, go!  You can do this!" 

    This is such timely encouragement, as I'm making a major life change, of location and occupation.

    You see, I was sorting through the boxes, cause I'm getting ready to start packing boxes, and moving again.  Not to totally unknown territory, but instead, back to a place that Todd and I both loved a lot, to finish what we started a long time ago.  Though, by now, I'm starting all over again, and this time without him by my side.

     This coming Saturday, Nov 14, 2015 would have been Todd's 55th birthday, the next day, I will become pastor of Alive Christian Fellowship in Kenmare, North Dakota.  Maybe it's a birthday present to him? Fulfilling the call on our lives, which now rests on my shoulders alone.  I think finding this note, was a sweet way of knowing he's cheering me on from above saying, "Kelley you can do this!  You have a lot in you.  You are an awesome person."   

    It's kind of scary venturing out on this adventure on my own.  But then again, I'm not alone, for Jesus has said he'd never leave me nor forsake me.  Recently my four year old grand-daughter said to me, "I'm not scared of my fears." She was referring to her bad dream she had had.  But her statement is profound, and full of wisdom beyond her little four year old mind would know.  I'm agreeing with her, and saying too, "I'm not scared of my fears."   If you're scared to do something, you know God wants you to do, well then just do it scared!  The fears will fade in the face of faith.

     So I am putting my lovely home up for sale, and will begin searching for housing in Kenmare too. Putting on the mantle of pastor, which I have never done alone, and moving away from family and the comforts of familiar.  The Adventures of Todd and Kelley ended when Todd moved to heaven, but the Adventures of Kelley and Jesus are just beginning.   Let the race begin!

    

     

    

The Proposal- From the Adventures of Todd and Kelley

Memories of the 4th of July 34 years ago.

   It was hot on that 4th of July in 1981 as Todd and I were visiting his Mom and Dad on the Ranch in South Dakota.  We'd been spending the summer working at Circle C Ranch volunteering as the cook and Todd was a counselor for the camps and of course always taking care of those horses.  It had been an exhausting summer, but we were young, but even the young get tired when you're burning the candle on both ends and in the middle.  Besides the cooking duties, I also helped with the music at campfires and filled in at the office when needed. Todd and I were looking forward to a couple days off and attending the Mobridge rodeo.

   Growing up my memories of the 4th of July were surrounded by family fun. After the parade in Mandan, we'd go to the river and swim in the pot holes on the sandbar. Come back to the house loaded with sand and sunburns and memories of laughter with my cousins and siblings.  My Mom and the aunts would put on a picnic spread second to none! We'd eat watermelon and burgers till we were stuffed.  This is what family was made of.  We'd end off the day with a few fireworks as our dog ran for cover and hid in a hole behind the old shop.  There was always a few ant hills that found our firecracker explosion demonstration too.  Often my Dad rushed away to put out a prairie fire because of some one's careless fireworks activity.  As Assistant Chief to the Mandan Rural Fire Department, when the siren went off, Dad left, unless of course he was already working at the Refinery.  

     These were not the memories of Todd's childhood.  I think there was the occasional river picnic time, but most often it was another work day but always quiting early to take in the Mobridge Rodeo, a long standing tradition in his family.  So this hot 4th of July was no different.  Todd and his brother Dean and his Dad worked cattle all day, after all, having Todd home for a day or two meant an extra hand available to work.  His sister Georgia finally asked me if I wanted to go down to the river (Lake Oahe which is the Missouri River) with her.  We drove down the old gravel road to a beach location along the lake/river. Georgia came home with a wonderful tan, and I came back looking a little more like a lobster.   I was a little upset with Todd, as he was working, and not taking the 'day off' and spending time with me.  I could not understand why he'd choose work over spending our one day off with me.  

    As evening rolled around, everyone was in a rush to get ready to go to the rodeo.  Todd had worn his only decent pair of jeans all day working cattle, and they were in no condition to make an appearance in public.  So he donned an old pair while I threw his good ones in the washing machine hoping to get them clean in time to see the rodeo.  The rest of the family took off for the rodeo.  As we waited for his jeans to get dry, we sat talking in the downstairs family room, the only cool spot in the house. I have to admit I was pretty upset by then.  He'd spent the whole day working, and now we were gonna be late for the rodeo.  Late! I hate being late for anything!   Although we'd been dating for about six months by then, and had talked about the possibility of getting married even to the point, Todd wanted to go that next weekend and look for a ring, there was nothing official, he had never out and out asked me to marry him.  By this time, I was thinking, this will never work, our lives and background are just too different.  I had every intention of breaking the whole relationship up that night, even though I knew God had spoken to me that Todd was the one for me.  I was very much beginning to doubt that, and was certain God had made a mistake.  So in my frustration and anger, I asked him, "Why do you even want to go pick out a ring?"  To that he replied, "Well, I was wondering if you'd like to marry this ole cowboy?"  To that I replied, "I'll pray about it."

     I sat silently praying for quite sometime, the dryer in the background still running, getting his jeans dry.  I think Todd may have broken out in a sweat about that time, but I'm not sure, it's hard to tell, when it's already hotter than blazes out, and there's no air conditioning in the house.  

     While in prayer, my heart began to soften and I began to remember all the reasons Todd and I were together.  We both had a heart after God, and although our backgrounds were very different, and personalities worlds apart, there was something when we were together, we completed each other.  Maybe with me, Todd would eventually get places on time, instead always late.  Maybe with Todd, I'd learn to not let my emotions take me on a roller coaster, and learn to be a little more even.  Maybe...

     I continued to pray.  It was during that time, the Lord showed me Todd's heart, and how much he did love me.  He was often perplexed as how to actually show it, but he really did love me.  I finally said "Yes, I'll marry you."  

     After that statement, we both just looked at each other and said, "Now what do we do?"  I think we decided maybe we should kiss to seal the deal, which we did.  Then the buzzer on the dryer went off, a stark reminder that the jeans were dry and we'd missed most of the rodeo by then.  

     No romantic proposal, no well thought out plan by Todd, but I said yes anyway.  

    Todd went in and changed jeans, and we got in his old Blue and White GMC pickup and we headed into Mobridge.  Since the rodeo was half over, we headed to the Wheel Restaurant where his sister Georgia was waitressing that night.  We sat in her section so she'd have to wait on us.  We had fun teasing her, and told her we'd missed the rodeo waiting for his jeans to get dry.    After she brought us our food, she asked if there was anything else she could get for us.  I said to her, "Yes, there is one more thing.  I was wondering if you'd be my Maid of Honor at our wedding."  Her reply was something like, "What?! Are you serious?!"  We assured her we were.  She went over to the next table to deliver their water, and accidentally knocked a glass over.  After cleaning up her accident, she came back and again asked us if were were serious.  We said yes, maybe sometime around Christmas.  She said she'd love to be my Maid of Honor, and continued on with her job.  I sure hope we left her a good tip, after upsetting her so much she knocked over the water, if not, Georgia, I owe you. 

    As we drove back to the ranch that night, Todd took me the route through the town of Glenham.  Just outside of Glenham, a big old jackrabbit jumped out in front of the pickup, and we must have chased that rabbit for over a mile, till it finally darted off into the field.  For years, whenever a jackrabbit would jump out in front of our vehicle and we'd chase it down the road till it found it's way off, Todd and I was would look at each other and say, "Remember the night we were engaged, and that rabbit by Glenham." and we'd laugh.

 ---
    It's been sometime since I've chased a rabbit down the road, as I live in town now, and there's no Todd to say, "remember the time..." today, my heart is still sad, my best friend and love is gone.  In the same breath, I'm so glad I said yes, what an adventure we had.  I miss you so much Todd.  

Finishing a chapter in the Book

For the last 10+ years I have sat in this chair, given to me by my kids, to watch them compete in athletic events. I sat in for the last event yesterday.

 
Am I being melancholy or am I  just tired,  yesterday was a hard but happy day.  Sad cause I realized this was the last sporting event of my kids I will ever see (at least for High School years).  I sat in my #1 MOM chair for the last time for them.  Not that I won't ever use the chair again, I'm sure I will, but not to watch a High School sporting event of one of my three.  The book has been closed, the story is over.  Yah, there's a little bit of sad there, it's a way of life I finally got comfortable in.  I didn't grow up with athletics, and if you know me, you understand why. The closest I ever got to being athletic was being on the Dance Team in High School one year (all four years in Marching Band though).  Music was more my forte (pun intended).

   There is a happiness in it all though.   For now that this door has closed, that means new doors can open. New things will open up for Kristi (and the boys too.)   

   Tomorrow we celebrate another door closing.  This one is slamming with a very loud squeak on it's hinges, cause it's been open for a very long time.  Twenty-two years ago, I started homeschooling my children.  What a journey it's been!  Tomorrow we celebrate Kristi's Graduation from our Country Faith Home School.

   There were moments of sheer joy, as I watched the light bulbs go off in their minds, there were moments of amazing frustration, as I watched them struggle with concepts they couldn't quite grasp, and I couldn't quite explain.  There were moments of fun when we met weekly with our OAHE Homeschool group in Mobridge, and practiced for plays and musicals, played basketball, had music and art classes, had our Homeschool Olympics and  just had fun together.  Great memories!  As I face the end celebration tomorrow, I have to be truthful, I can hardly wait to be done.  It's been a long commitment, and anyone else who has homeschooled understands that.  It meant giving up things I wanted to do, so I could dedicate time to my kids, but then again, what I really wanted to do was have great kids, who were outstanding citizens, gifted in each of their God given areas, and hearts that are in love with God, not cause Mom says so, but because they want to love God.  To that end, if you ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say YES and Amen!  God has rewarded my effort, how ever failing and weak at times, with three of most wonderful young adults you can imagine.  God has answered my prayers for each of them, and I know He will continue to meet them as they continue on their journey as young adults.

    Doors open, and doors close, it's all part of life.  Like a good mystery writer, you come to the end of the chapter and he leaves you hanging wanting to know what will happen next, that's a good book!  I'm turning the page to see what will happen next.  Read on!  Live on!  Life is always changing.  Change is hard, but can be good.

Be Real

When life seems crazy and you find yourself needing a good dry cleaning, and you get stuck in the dryer.
Life just needs to get real.

    Yesterday the phrase, "Be Real" was rolling around in my head.  We live in a such an unreal world.  Pictures are photo shopped to look perfect, music recorded is adjusted in the studio to 'sound better.' If you don't believe that, just hear your favorite band live someday.  Videos are edited and the movie industry has all kinds of 'trick' photography. 

   When we get down to life, we're not much different than the rest of the world. People walk around with their masks on pretending that they are so much better than they really are.  Sometimes cause they just don't want to face what they're going through, and sometimes because they don't want anyone else to know that they're hurting.  I think that's when pride enters in.

  It's not that one should walk around with their dirty laundry exposed for everyone to see, but there are times and places you need to just get real.  Quit playing the game, and be real and honest.  Oh human nature doesn't like to be honest, cause then it might show that we're not perfect.  No one is perfect.  (Except Jesus)  The rest of us, are what is called, human, full of faults and failings.  

   But thank God we have Jesus to help us through all those faults and failings.

   I heard on the radio yesterday a young lady, who is a Christian singer, get real. She's made fame with her music in the Christian world, but from what she said on the interview, things were falling apart at home.  She said, her and her husband decided to get real, and begin to share that things weren't going well, they got help.  She didn't share any details, and I don't need to know, but it sounded though things might not be perfect, they're on the road to recovery.  She said since they've opened up other couples have come to them, confessing that they're falling apart at home too.  Being real, has allowed her and her husband to help others get real, and get help. Christianity is not the great cover-up but the great unveiling.  It's when God starts pulling back the layers in our life, to expose those things that need correction.  It's the unfolding of His grace.  Taking what is awful and making it into something beautiful.  God has a way of doing that.

    Just like when you peel an onion pulling back those layers can cause tears.  Tears can wash though.  In Grief Share, I learned the phrase, "Tears give you a good washing, and laughter a good dry cleaning."  We need them both.  There are just some areas that crying over it won't help any more, so you might as well laugh.

   Some time ago, Kristi (my daughter) and I were talking, and she said, "Mom, I can't write like you."  I was like, "What?"  For I think Kristi's writing ability has far succeeded mine.  (If you haven't read what she's written you need to check out her postings on: www.fanfiction.net and search under writer as: lotrlover16. Her stories all called "The L and L Adventures.")  She said, "Mom, I can't bear my heart for the whole world to see, like you do."  I had to stop and think, is that what I do?  I've been accused by some, of being too open, by another of writing because I'm trying to ease my guilty conscience.  

     Well, I don't have a guilty conscience, and maybe I'm a little too open, but I kind of feel, if I've walked a road of pain and suffering (of a sort) then maybe what I've gone through, can help someone else.  The key word there is gone "through."   I'm not stopping in my pain and grief, I'm going on.  In one of the most familiar verses in the Bible, Psalms 23 is says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me."   I'm going through, I'm not stopping and setting up a tent in the valley of death.  

     Being real:  There were days I didn't think I'd get through.  I thought I'd die with Todd.  There were times, I thought I'd die before him of sheer exhaustion from the constant care of him.  I saw no hope, I saw no ray of sunshine.  I know what it is to be rock bottom.  But when I hit the bottom, I found there was the Rock, and the rock's name was Jesus.  Oh, I knew Him before, but I know Him in a whole new way now.   Am I perfect?  Oh, no!  (Did you just hear the roar of laughter?  I'm picking myself up off the floor from laughing at the thought of being 'perfect.')  But I am a little bit stronger now.  I think it's like weight lifting (not that I've ever done that) the weights are heavy, and your muscles get sore and tired, but the end result is you get stronger.  I believe your muscles even 'break down' in the process, and have to be 'rebuilt.' It's a new strength you didn't have before going through all the pain of lifting.

     I haven't arrived, but I am going through.  I'm so glad He's with me every step of the way.

     Today marks 16 months since Todd moved to heaven.  It's another one of those 'landmarks' days.  In some ways it doesn't seem that long, in others it seems even longer, funny how time is like that.  In the past 16 months, this scripture from The Message translation has been an anchor in my soul.   "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG  

Angels came to meet with Her

Back in 2011 Long time friends; R-L
Todd & Kelley Reuer, Tina Isaguire, Marilyn and Rich Apfel, Jun Isaguire, Ann Rowe

   Today, Thurs. March 5, one of the most precious woman of God I've ever known met her Savior face to face.  Marilyn Apfel is now safe in the arms of Jesus.

   On Sunday night (March 1) I was sitting at my piano worshipping the Lord.  I began to just play (I'm not all that good, but I love to play) and while I was just playing, I suddenly thought of Marilyn, and somehow I felt I was in her room where she was laying in Minnesota and I saw angels all around her and they were singing to my playing.  I didn't really 'hear' anything, but I just knew they were singing, and had been sent by God to her bedside, and to 'usher' her home when she was ready to go.  

  I don't think my piano playing was all that beautiful, but what I heard in my heart was the most beautiful music ever.  

  There's a scripture that says the Lord sings over us, and I've always wondered how that song goes, and what it sounds like.  What's the song over my life that the Lord sings?  I know the song over Marilyn was beautiful.  Her life was beautiful.

   In the last year before Todd went into a nursing home, he refused to sleep.  I would try everything to get him to bed.  It was a battle every night.  The one thing that worked better than anything else, was I promised him I'd read to him the book about Marilyn Apfel called "They called her Mom," (available on Amazon Kindle).  He loved hearing the story of her life.  I'd often say to him, "And we know her!  Isn't this amazing!"  He liked the story, and sometimes would fall asleep while I was reading (at least for a little while.)  I think I read the book to him aloud three times, just a few pages at a time.  Every time through I was amazed at how God worked in her life and Rich's life.  

   I think back to another time a few years ago, I was on the phone talking to Marilyn.  Todd had just lost his job, and was no longer able to work, my house was packed up ready to move, but I didn't know where to go or what to do.  Life was so confusing and hard.  That's when Marilyn called to encourage me.  She said words of encouragement to me that were probably the kindest words anyone has ever said to me.  She believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  

   Around that time we actually went to Minneapolis and met  Rich and Marilyn at a restaurant. Later in the car in the parking lot,  Marilyn spent quite a bit of time praying for us.  I know God is still answering those prayers.  I remember her praying for me, and saying "You're backed against a wall, but God is going to open a door for you.  Find the door and open it."

    So today my heart is somewhat sad to know she won't be around to talk to again, but I rejoice at the same time to be able to say that I have known such a wonderful woman as Marilyn Apfel. 

   She fought long and hard as cancer ravaged her body, but today there's no more pain or suffering.

   My heart goes out to Rich and the kids; Jamie and Lisa and grand kids.  May God give you great comfort as you begin to walk this road without Marilyn by your side.  He IS the God of all comfort and He WILL walk with you every step of the way.

    I'm thinking maybe Todd was there to greet Marilyn too. 

Marilyn and Rich Apfel

When Love Comes in a Jelly Jar

I was just having one of those days, you know the kind you wish you could just skip; it's not that anything bad happened, I just felt incredibly discouraged.  I could feel depression knocking on my door and I didn't want to answer; it kept knocking, I kept ignoring, but I was getting more discouraged by the minute.  Suddenly my thoughts were flooded with doom and gloom, and the weights got heavier and heavier. Humm, wonder where that's all coming from, certainly not God!  

    So I took the dog for a walk.  Exercise should help right?  I cried and prayed most of the way, but I'm sure the dog didn't even notice, except he was exceptionally good for once.  Normally on a walk he's stopping to pee on something every few feet and I'm tripping over his leash, but somehow, today, he just trotted on beside me, enjoying the warm weather and only stopped to sniff a few things.  When I finished my trek around the neighborhood with the dog, I stopped to pick up today’s mail.  There was this box in the mail box, and I was curious, and trying to remember if I'd ordered anything lately, but as far as I could remember, I hadn't.  I finally pulled it out, (it was a pretty tight squeeze to get it in the little mailbox) I noticed it was from my friend Brenda in Montana.  For the life of me, I couldn't think of anything that Brenda would be sending me, and besides, my birthday was several weeks ago.  

   I went and sat on the chair on the porch, yes, it really was warm enough to sit outside today; imagine 54 degrees in North Dakota on January 27th! I opened the box with my mailbox key and as I started to unwrap the contents of the bubble wrap and tissue paper, I began to really cry, the big slobbery kind of cry, that requires Kleenex. It was a jar of Jalapeno/Basil Jelly that Brenda had made this fall, and I had heard how wonderful it was.  I cried and cried.  I know, now you really think I'm crazy, I'm crying over jelly.  It wasn't the jelly, really, it was the thought behind it.  Although I am not a jelly fan at all, (PP&J's are only good if you leave off the 'J') I do love Jalapeno Jelly.  I'd been teasing Brenda about her jelly since she made it last fall, (showing off her  wonderful jars with Facebook pictures) saying she should "Beam me up Scottie" so I could come have a taste.  

    I dialed her number, still sobbing, then thought maybe I should have waited till I quit crying so I wasn't blowing snot in her ear.  The tissue wrapping paper became my Kleenex, and I finally dried my eyes, and had a wonderful long chat with Brenda, her every word lifting my sinking spirit. 

     Friends that love you, that don't even care if you're blowing your nose and can barely talk through the tears, those kind of friends are a such a treasure.  I'm so thankful God has put not only Brenda, but many others like her that have been there for me no matter what.  They know my heart, and believe in me, even when I don't.  They're there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and bruised my knee. They are there when I don't think there's any hope, to remind me of the God of all hope. They are there showing me God still loves me and has plans for me too. I thank God so much for my friends.

    Thank you Brenda for the jelly and the encouragement, and most of all thank you Jesus for showing me love in a jar of jelly. (Yah, it's got a good kick too!)

  Prov 27: 9 says, “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.” (HCSB)

     

And God Gave Us the Dog

Quito and I at Todd's gravesite on Todd's birthday sharing a few tears and words of love.

There seems to be something that God put in dogs for them to sense when someone is hurting. I know there are dogs who can even tell when someone is about to seizure or blood sugar crash and these well trained dogs alert their masters.  Quito isn't a well trained dog for anything except maybe moving cattle, at which he was excellent at. Todd said he was the best cattle dog we had had so far.  There's no cows for Quito right now, and his life is pretty boring, but he does one thing that always surprise me.  Whenever I'm sad or hurting or crying, he comes and finds me, and lays his head on my lap.  How does he know?  Sometimes I just hug that stinky old dog, and cry into his smelly fur.  He still smells and stinks like dogs do, and has bad breath, and leaves hair all over my house, but he often knows more that any human around, and offers what others don't, a comfort of a those big brown eyes looking at me saying, "what's wrong? can I help you?"  He just lets me cry.  He doesn't fix anything, for somethings can't be fixed, but he's there for me.