The Empty Pillow

It's really hard for me to let my thoughts, fears and tears go public, but somehow maybe in the writing I too will find healing.  I've always found comfort in the pen and paper (or now the keyboard and screen).  Somehow in writing I can express my fears, my joys, my sorrows, my love, etc.  So forgive me for my ramblings, or just don't bother to read, these posts of my journey on this strange strange path I'm on.  But this morning I awoke again to that empty pillow beside my head, and these words started rolling around, and I had to put them down.  

The Empty Pillow

I awake beside this empty pillow

my heart is filled with tears

for on it you did lay to rest

your head for all these years.

For months and months I've lived in fear

when you rarely slept

that I would wake your sleeping head

and the rest would be unkept

I can not share the terror 

or fear that came to me

when your thinking went awry

and logic no more can be

But there's times I still hear you talking

to yourself by the hour

in the mirror in the bathroom

but never talking sour

You'd tell yourself how God loves you

and you're looking good

those scripture so imbedded within

still compass as they should.

I want to bring you back somehow

but how I do not know

to the mind where Todd once lived

free from the shadows below

If love could work it's perfect work

I know you would be free

free from what traps you within

to be who you're meant to be

Never think that our separation 

is my lack of love for thee

but that I really want

the very best you see

I know it's hard to be apart

for my heart is broke in two

but lets believe some how though God

our love would be made anew

Though different from what we have known

our lives from now will be

but only through the strength of God

our hearts will become free.

Update on Todd

(picture from a couple years ago on our 30th Anniversary)

Recently in a phone conversation with my son Tyson, he said to me, "Mom, you're a fixer, you've always fixed everything in our lives that broke, but you can't fix this one."  Through my tears that were running down my face, I knew he was right.  I can't fix this one, but oh how I wish I could.

   The last few weeks (months and years) have the most difficult time I've ever been through, but no one could have prepared me for the heart ache I'm going through right now.

    Two weeks ago, I took Todd to see a psychiatrist (they deal with sleep issues and drugs to help) here in Bismarck at the recommendation of our family doctor.  Todd has not been sleeping for some time, mostly averaging an hour or two a night (if even that) which meant, I got about the same.  Exhaustion isn't even a good enough word to describe how I felt.  He would often though fall asleep in a car, or if we could actually get him to sit down for a few minutes, which was rare.  The best word to describe him is 'busy.'  Being a true work-a-holic something in his brain is still telling him  he must keep moving.  But back to the doctor visit.  After about an hour with the doctor and answering her hundred questions about Todd, she said she wanted to hospitalize him and run some tests and see if they could regulate his sleep.  I asked her when she wanted to do that, and her answer was "Now."  I sat stunned, now?  really?  I'm not ready for this, but the wheels were already in motion.  In the next ten minutes he was whisked away from me, and I was put in another locked room.  Neither Todd nor I were prepared for what was happening, especially Todd.  Suddenly he had strangers telling him he had to take his clothes off, (something he won't even do for me) and put on hospital garb.  Let's just say it didn't go well.  The next I saw him, there was an officer escorting him to what they call the "quiet room."  (Looked more like a padded cell to me).  I spent the next 45 minutes in a room with 'ditsy' nurse who didn't know how to run a computer.  Let's just say I wasn't a happy camper.  When I finally got to see Todd, he was in the 'quiet room' on a mat on the floor in hospital garb and I could tell he'd been drugged, as his eyes weren't tracking.  Let's just say I think the day would qualify for one of our worst days since we've been married for both of us.  They finally told me I should leave as what they gave him would make him sleep for the rest of the day.   I went home and cried and cried.

     Eleven years ago when Todd had the horse accident and suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) we had no clue as to how it would effect our lives forever.  Todd really has never been quite the same since, but did function well for the next 8 years or so.  The last 3 years or more have not been so well.  Two years ago when he lost his employment out in Kintyre, I took him to see a neurologist and a neuropsychologist.  At that time he scored a 9 on the mental score test (30 being normal)  Since his time in the hospital they've redone the test and he scored a 1.  The MRI that was done has shown that his brain has shrunk considerably since the CAT scan two years ago.  Other than that, all the doctors were looking for in why this is happening so rapidly has come back negative. No answers to our "WHY?"  It just is, and bar a miracle of God it only gets worse.  

   

   The medical staff and my pastor and his staff have counseled with me, that it's time to put him in a facility for his care.  The kids and I have prayed lots, and all the kids agree with the staff that it's time.  The nursing staff at the hospital can't figure out how in the world I've been doing this on my own for so long, I say, by the grace of God and love.  My heart is breaking, but I know they're right, I can't keep on the way it's been.  

    So the search has been on for a placement for Todd.  This has proved to be quite difficult as his needs are very high, and his age is young.  Several of the memory care facilities in the Bismarck area will not take him cause he's not 55. (he's 52).  Several other nursing homes have turned him down cause of his wandering and sleeplessness.  We continue to pray that God would open a door for him in a good facility and close to us, as we still want to see him all the time. (Even our dog is acting lonely for Todd, unfortunately we can't take Quito into the hospital).

   People have been asking what they can do to help. All I can say is to pray.  Right now, pray an opening would open up close by for him.  Pray for strength for Kristi and I.  I'm still exhausted and sleep is not coming easy through all this, and compounded on the months of exhaustion that was before this.  Pray for direction for us, peace and safety.   

I want to close with something I wrote a back in May.

Please Don't Forget Me Dear

When you no longer remember my name, I'll still be there

When you no longer remember why I'm by your side, I'll still be there.

When you forget where you are, I'll still be there.

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

You may forget that long white dress I wore the day I changed my last name to match yours

You may forget that ring I've worn all these years

You may forget where we lived when we were young

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

When confusion clouds your mind, and my frustration level is high

When your thinking is irrational, and I'm pulling out my hair

When you wander away, and I panic trying to find you

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

Please don't forget how we loved, how we walked

Together hand and hand, pards in love forever

Please don't forget that God joined us together

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

And if you do, and no longer remember who I am

Can I swing that rope around us one more time

Joining us together in that eternal love

Even if you forget my name, don't forget how much I love you

(I  wrote this after having a conversation with Todd last night, and he couldn't remember my name.  When I asked him if he was married he said no.  It took him about 5 minutes to remember my name, but did remember Quito's name right off. :-) Ok, I'm some where lower than the dog. LOL)