Faded Jeans- Remembering today... Dec 22

  I looked down at my jeans tonight and noticed how they've faded, and it just doesn't seem like that it could be that long since I bought them.  I remember the day well, it was last Dec 23, 2013 at the north Walmart in Bismarck.  I walked through the store like in a daze, it was the last place on earth I wanted to be.  I wanted to be home sobbing, but there were things that needed to be done, as Tyson and Sarah would be arriving later that day, and as usual I had left the grocery shopping to the last minute.  Before leaving the store, I decided I better pick up some new black jeans to wear, as my present pair were not very presentable.  So much of me just said, forget it, I'll do this later, I hate shopping, especially for clothes.  I'm sure some people would disapprove of me wearing jeans and my western jean jacket at your funeral, but you always liked that jean jacket, and you'd rather be in a pair of Wranglers any day to anything else.  I did it to honor you.

    I tried on a couple of pairs, and found one that fit, and made my way to the checkout.

    I still remember the checkout gal, asking, "How are you today?  Did you find everything?"  I just looked at her blankly and said "It's been a pretty tough last 24 hours."  I'm sure she thought I was  speaking of last minute Christmas shopping, but that was the furthest thing from my mind.  I didn't elaborated, cause frankly, I don't think she really cared, and how does one tell someone, that the love of your life just died last night, and now I'm faced with a life without him.

   I paid for my purchases, and drove home, fighting off the cold subzero cold outside, and a colder feeling on the inside.  The next nine days were a battle, not only emotionally, but physically, as the flu hit.  I can't remember the last time I was in bed for days with a high fever and vomiting.  There were times, when I had no clue what was going on outside that bedroom door.  I just knew I had to get well, as we wanted to make your celebration day special and meaningful.

    So here I sit a year later, still wearing those black jeans, even though they're fading and wearing out. I'm thinking it's maybe time to go shopping again, but you know how I hate shopping for clothes. 

     We made it down to Tulsa late last night,  this is the first time all the kids and I have been together since the funeral.  We went out to eat tonight and sat and told stories of Todd on the anniversary of his home coming while munching down the chips and salsa, his favorite.  I always teased Todd he was Mexican by taste bud.

    Thank you to all who have read my blogs this year, you know who you are, yup, all 32 of you!  LOL, but truly, thank you for taking the time to listen to my heart, as I've walked this journey without Todd.  Your encouraging comments are always helpful, and have given me strength to go on and continue.  

    Merry Christmas!

     

Embracing Life

    Part of healing a broken heart or life, is embracing where you're at but first you must accept it.  When you loose someone dear to you, at first just accepting it is hard.  You're in shock and it doesn't seem real that they're gone from this life.  You keep expecting them to show up, walk through the door, call you on the phone, but they can't cause they're no longer here on earth. 

    I remember the first time I experienced that was when Todd's Grandma died.  It was several months after her death, and I was in Selby for something, and I thought, "Oh, I'll go see Grandma while I'm here."  I think I even turned down her street before I remembered and realized, I can't see her, she's not here anymore.  I remember just feeling so sad, cause I had always enjoyed visiting with her in her home or later her apartment.

   With Todd's death, those feelings of accepting were of course way stronger.  He was part of my life every day for the last 32 years.  We were one.  I carry his name.  Suddenly half of me was gone.  There were days, I still had moments of looking for him, and realizing he wasn't going to be found.  He'd moved.  Gradually those 'moments' became less.  I had accepted he not here anymore.  That doesn't mean I don't miss him, oh my, I do.  It doesn't mean I don't love him, or never did, quite the opposite.  It's just coming to that point in my life, this is what happened, whether or not I like it or not.  I couldn't keep it from happening anymore than I can change that it did happen.  It's just so.  

    The next step is embracing it.  It's all wrapped up in accepting, but still different.  It's saying, this is what happened and this is how life is now.  It means dropping my expectations of how I thought things should be and adjusting to what is right now. It means giving up my old life the way it was and embracing that I am a widow and alone now.  It means picking up where I'm at and going forward, even though life is much different and often uncomfortable.  It means knowing that God can use even the worst circumstances in my life and turn them around for something good.  That's the hope we have in Christ.  He makes something beautiful out of our broken lives.  Cause face it no one has this life thing down perfect, we're all messed up in something, if you don't think so, then you're dead.  Heaven is the only place where we will finally get it right, but here on earth, we're full of blunders and mistakes and hurts and wounds that run deep. That's why Jesus came.  To save us, heal us, and set us free, and give us hope for a future.  Thank God!

    For me, it's embracing that I have to start all over again, and being ok with that.  It's embracing that my future may look quite different from my past.  It can't look the same, Todd's not here.  It's embracing that God is not through with me, and there really IS a future for me.  It's embracing who Kelley is without Todd, and knowing that, this Kelley may be quite different from the Kelley before.  (In the sense of what I do.  I am and will always be who I am.  I'm not trying to be anyone else. But life does take on a different dynamic without your spouse.)

    Embracing my present, is believing that someday, I will be able to look back and rejoice that I went through all of this, cause even though it might not have been a 'perfect' situation, God can still turn it around (when we give it to Him) and make it all part of His plan for my life.  Not that I believe Todd dying was part of God's ultimate plan, he went home way to early, but it is what happened all the same.  

    God's not on his throne, worried and stroking his beard (if he has one) wondering "Oh no, what are we gonna do with Kelley now?  Todd's not there anymore with her, the plan for her life is not able to be completed, Angels, Jesus, do we have plan B figured out yet?"  I just don't see God the worrying type.  I think He has this way more figured out than I can even imagine.  I'm so glad I can trust Him, cause he already knows the plan and all I have to do is trust Him, and He'll show me each step.  (This, of course is, way easier said than done, but still the same, it's true.)

    You might not have lost a spouse, but my guess, there's something in your life that's not 'perfect' and messed up.  Maybe you too need to first accept it, and then embrace it, and know that this happened, but it's not the end.  It reminds me of that familiar verse in Jer 29:11 "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (MSG)  I'm glad He holds my plans of my life.