Treasure in a Cardboard Box

   

    Tonight I was going through the last two boxes that I never unpacked when I moved to this house over two years ago. I had opened them, but had never really gone through them and sorted out the stuff in it. Why I was doing this, I'll explain later.  

         I found a treasure of great price.  Not in monetarily value, but the kind of value that's valuable for my heart.  A note from Todd.  

 

    This is when he could still write a little bit, but you can also see, it wasn't flowing normal.  Somehow this note reminded me of the scripture in Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us," HCSB‬‬

   I felt like he was cheering me on from that great cloud of witnesses, and saying, "Kelley, you have so much in you, you're an awesome person.  Go, Kelley, go!  You can do this!" 

    This is such timely encouragement, as I'm making a major life change, of location and occupation.

    You see, I was sorting through the boxes, cause I'm getting ready to start packing boxes, and moving again.  Not to totally unknown territory, but instead, back to a place that Todd and I both loved a lot, to finish what we started a long time ago.  Though, by now, I'm starting all over again, and this time without him by my side.

     This coming Saturday, Nov 14, 2015 would have been Todd's 55th birthday, the next day, I will become pastor of Alive Christian Fellowship in Kenmare, North Dakota.  Maybe it's a birthday present to him? Fulfilling the call on our lives, which now rests on my shoulders alone.  I think finding this note, was a sweet way of knowing he's cheering me on from above saying, "Kelley you can do this!  You have a lot in you.  You are an awesome person."   

    It's kind of scary venturing out on this adventure on my own.  But then again, I'm not alone, for Jesus has said he'd never leave me nor forsake me.  Recently my four year old grand-daughter said to me, "I'm not scared of my fears." She was referring to her bad dream she had had.  But her statement is profound, and full of wisdom beyond her little four year old mind would know.  I'm agreeing with her, and saying too, "I'm not scared of my fears."   If you're scared to do something, you know God wants you to do, well then just do it scared!  The fears will fade in the face of faith.

     So I am putting my lovely home up for sale, and will begin searching for housing in Kenmare too. Putting on the mantle of pastor, which I have never done alone, and moving away from family and the comforts of familiar.  The Adventures of Todd and Kelley ended when Todd moved to heaven, but the Adventures of Kelley and Jesus are just beginning.   Let the race begin!

    

     

    

The Proposal- From the Adventures of Todd and Kelley

Memories of the 4th of July 34 years ago.

   It was hot on that 4th of July in 1981 as Todd and I were visiting his Mom and Dad on the Ranch in South Dakota.  We'd been spending the summer working at Circle C Ranch volunteering as the cook and Todd was a counselor for the camps and of course always taking care of those horses.  It had been an exhausting summer, but we were young, but even the young get tired when you're burning the candle on both ends and in the middle.  Besides the cooking duties, I also helped with the music at campfires and filled in at the office when needed. Todd and I were looking forward to a couple days off and attending the Mobridge rodeo.

   Growing up my memories of the 4th of July were surrounded by family fun. After the parade in Mandan, we'd go to the river and swim in the pot holes on the sandbar. Come back to the house loaded with sand and sunburns and memories of laughter with my cousins and siblings.  My Mom and the aunts would put on a picnic spread second to none! We'd eat watermelon and burgers till we were stuffed.  This is what family was made of.  We'd end off the day with a few fireworks as our dog ran for cover and hid in a hole behind the old shop.  There was always a few ant hills that found our firecracker explosion demonstration too.  Often my Dad rushed away to put out a prairie fire because of some one's careless fireworks activity.  As Assistant Chief to the Mandan Rural Fire Department, when the siren went off, Dad left, unless of course he was already working at the Refinery.  

     These were not the memories of Todd's childhood.  I think there was the occasional river picnic time, but most often it was another work day but always quiting early to take in the Mobridge Rodeo, a long standing tradition in his family.  So this hot 4th of July was no different.  Todd and his brother Dean and his Dad worked cattle all day, after all, having Todd home for a day or two meant an extra hand available to work.  His sister Georgia finally asked me if I wanted to go down to the river (Lake Oahe which is the Missouri River) with her.  We drove down the old gravel road to a beach location along the lake/river. Georgia came home with a wonderful tan, and I came back looking a little more like a lobster.   I was a little upset with Todd, as he was working, and not taking the 'day off' and spending time with me.  I could not understand why he'd choose work over spending our one day off with me.  

    As evening rolled around, everyone was in a rush to get ready to go to the rodeo.  Todd had worn his only decent pair of jeans all day working cattle, and they were in no condition to make an appearance in public.  So he donned an old pair while I threw his good ones in the washing machine hoping to get them clean in time to see the rodeo.  The rest of the family took off for the rodeo.  As we waited for his jeans to get dry, we sat talking in the downstairs family room, the only cool spot in the house. I have to admit I was pretty upset by then.  He'd spent the whole day working, and now we were gonna be late for the rodeo.  Late! I hate being late for anything!   Although we'd been dating for about six months by then, and had talked about the possibility of getting married even to the point, Todd wanted to go that next weekend and look for a ring, there was nothing official, he had never out and out asked me to marry him.  By this time, I was thinking, this will never work, our lives and background are just too different.  I had every intention of breaking the whole relationship up that night, even though I knew God had spoken to me that Todd was the one for me.  I was very much beginning to doubt that, and was certain God had made a mistake.  So in my frustration and anger, I asked him, "Why do you even want to go pick out a ring?"  To that he replied, "Well, I was wondering if you'd like to marry this ole cowboy?"  To that I replied, "I'll pray about it."

     I sat silently praying for quite sometime, the dryer in the background still running, getting his jeans dry.  I think Todd may have broken out in a sweat about that time, but I'm not sure, it's hard to tell, when it's already hotter than blazes out, and there's no air conditioning in the house.  

     While in prayer, my heart began to soften and I began to remember all the reasons Todd and I were together.  We both had a heart after God, and although our backgrounds were very different, and personalities worlds apart, there was something when we were together, we completed each other.  Maybe with me, Todd would eventually get places on time, instead always late.  Maybe with Todd, I'd learn to not let my emotions take me on a roller coaster, and learn to be a little more even.  Maybe...

     I continued to pray.  It was during that time, the Lord showed me Todd's heart, and how much he did love me.  He was often perplexed as how to actually show it, but he really did love me.  I finally said "Yes, I'll marry you."  

     After that statement, we both just looked at each other and said, "Now what do we do?"  I think we decided maybe we should kiss to seal the deal, which we did.  Then the buzzer on the dryer went off, a stark reminder that the jeans were dry and we'd missed most of the rodeo by then.  

     No romantic proposal, no well thought out plan by Todd, but I said yes anyway.  

    Todd went in and changed jeans, and we got in his old Blue and White GMC pickup and we headed into Mobridge.  Since the rodeo was half over, we headed to the Wheel Restaurant where his sister Georgia was waitressing that night.  We sat in her section so she'd have to wait on us.  We had fun teasing her, and told her we'd missed the rodeo waiting for his jeans to get dry.    After she brought us our food, she asked if there was anything else she could get for us.  I said to her, "Yes, there is one more thing.  I was wondering if you'd be my Maid of Honor at our wedding."  Her reply was something like, "What?! Are you serious?!"  We assured her we were.  She went over to the next table to deliver their water, and accidentally knocked a glass over.  After cleaning up her accident, she came back and again asked us if were were serious.  We said yes, maybe sometime around Christmas.  She said she'd love to be my Maid of Honor, and continued on with her job.  I sure hope we left her a good tip, after upsetting her so much she knocked over the water, if not, Georgia, I owe you. 

    As we drove back to the ranch that night, Todd took me the route through the town of Glenham.  Just outside of Glenham, a big old jackrabbit jumped out in front of the pickup, and we must have chased that rabbit for over a mile, till it finally darted off into the field.  For years, whenever a jackrabbit would jump out in front of our vehicle and we'd chase it down the road till it found it's way off, Todd and I was would look at each other and say, "Remember the night we were engaged, and that rabbit by Glenham." and we'd laugh.

 ---
    It's been sometime since I've chased a rabbit down the road, as I live in town now, and there's no Todd to say, "remember the time..." today, my heart is still sad, my best friend and love is gone.  In the same breath, I'm so glad I said yes, what an adventure we had.  I miss you so much Todd.  

A Fatherless Father's Day

    Todd and the kids four years ago at one of Phil's Football games at VCSU. Must have be shortly after Kadence was born.

 How does one approach Father's Day when there's no more Father to honor.  This is a question I've been pondering.  Personally, my father is still alive, and I get to tell him face to face today how thankful I am for him.  But my own children face a Father's Day with no Father to call.  For Tyson, I would assume, his day will be filled with fun things with his own little ones, and just being a Dad, in the great way that he does.  For Phil and Kristi things are a little different.  I wish I had something from their Dad to give them, some words of advice or encouragement. But Todd wasn't much of a writer.  When he did write something it was always well written, and well thought out, and had usually taken him hours to write.  He said he was always amazed at how quickly I could write something, but he didn't always see the times, I sat struggling trying to come up with something intelligent (not sure that always happens either.)

     I wish I had the answers to all these tough questions.  I wish I had the comfort to extend to my kids and others.  My only thing I can say, is I've watched God be the father to the fatherless, and that is great comfort to me.  

     To my Dad I wish him the Happiest of Father’s Days.  He has always been and will be one awesome Dad.  Love you!  

     To my sisters-in-law and brother-in-law who face today with out their Dad (my Father-in-law) I feel your pain, but still in a different way.  He was my dad by love, not by birth.  I still miss him so much.

     To my children, I can’t say I know your pain of loosing a father, I lost my husband, and that’s a different pain.  I do know your father would be so proud of each of you, and that he loved you each so much.  Know that the real things in life a parent leaves for you are not material possessions, but the things of the heart.  I know he showed you a love for God’s Word, and taught you how to work hard (probably harder than you’ll ever work for anyone else) and how to laugh (how we all loved his laugh).  

    So those with a fatherless Father's Day, know that there is a heavenly Father, who loves you very much, and can still be there to be a father to you.

Shaw family picture in 2013. My Mom and Dad with all their kids, in laws and the two youngest grand kids, and of course Quito my dog. 

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Ambush of grief from a dictionary app

Todd and I in our 'dating years'  

We had "BIG" glasses! 

lackadaisical- adj.

1. without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; lethargic: a lackadaisical attempt.
2. lazy; indolent: a lackadaisical fellow.

     A word came up in my 'Word for the Day' dictionary app, and I was flooded with memories of Todd again.  Who would think that one word in 'Word for the Day' could ambush a person in grief.  The word seems like an unlikely word for an ambush of grief too, cause it doesn't describe Todd at all, but it reminds me of him so much.

   Todd was the first person to introduce me to this word lackadaisical.  We were talking about teachers we had in High School one time, and he was telling me about his English teacher; Miss Frankenstein (seriously, that was her name).  But Todd said she was beautiful and I believe she had been a 'queen' too (like in a Miss South Dakota or something).  He loved to tell me about what a good teacher she was and how she could really teach something so you remembered.

   When the word lackadaisical came up in their vocabulary list, she demonstrated it, but falling on the floor, and laying there lazily with a daisy.  Todd said he never forgot the meaning of the word, and neither did I, even though I was never in that class.  

   Thank you Miss Frankenstein (who later married and became Mrs. Perman) for being a good teacher and not being lackadaisical in your teaching. Todd learned it, and so did I though him.  

    A memory tied in a word, a moment of grieving, none of which was lackadaisical.

Met Mikki (Frankenstein) Perman recently at a Reuer Family Reunion.  She couldn't believe how much Philip and Kristi looked like Todd.  

    

Floccinaucinihilipilification

   I have this dictionary app on my iPhone, and every day it sends me a 'new' word. Today's word was a doozy.  Floccinaucinihilipilification is one of the longest words in our English language and means: the estimation of something as valueless.  With a whopping 12 syllables to it's pronunciation, it takes a while just to figure out how to say it, remembering it is another thing.

   I look at it as, making a mountain out of mole hill.  How can something that is valueless have such a big word attached to it?  I think it's when we give way too much value to something that does not deserve any of our time or effort.

   I think about the lies we believe about our selves, that you're worthless, or unwanted. Those lies are floccinaucinilipilification. Giving value to a lie is not worth it. Seeing things in the true light is.  

  Put an end to the floccinaucinihilpilification in your life! Or take speech lessons to learn to say the word.  

   Just having a little fun with words on the last day of Homeschooling my kids!

  

Finishing a chapter in the Book

For the last 10+ years I have sat in this chair, given to me by my kids, to watch them compete in athletic events. I sat in for the last event yesterday.

 
Am I being melancholy or am I  just tired,  yesterday was a hard but happy day.  Sad cause I realized this was the last sporting event of my kids I will ever see (at least for High School years).  I sat in my #1 MOM chair for the last time for them.  Not that I won't ever use the chair again, I'm sure I will, but not to watch a High School sporting event of one of my three.  The book has been closed, the story is over.  Yah, there's a little bit of sad there, it's a way of life I finally got comfortable in.  I didn't grow up with athletics, and if you know me, you understand why. The closest I ever got to being athletic was being on the Dance Team in High School one year (all four years in Marching Band though).  Music was more my forte (pun intended).

   There is a happiness in it all though.   For now that this door has closed, that means new doors can open. New things will open up for Kristi (and the boys too.)   

   Tomorrow we celebrate another door closing.  This one is slamming with a very loud squeak on it's hinges, cause it's been open for a very long time.  Twenty-two years ago, I started homeschooling my children.  What a journey it's been!  Tomorrow we celebrate Kristi's Graduation from our Country Faith Home School.

   There were moments of sheer joy, as I watched the light bulbs go off in their minds, there were moments of amazing frustration, as I watched them struggle with concepts they couldn't quite grasp, and I couldn't quite explain.  There were moments of fun when we met weekly with our OAHE Homeschool group in Mobridge, and practiced for plays and musicals, played basketball, had music and art classes, had our Homeschool Olympics and  just had fun together.  Great memories!  As I face the end celebration tomorrow, I have to be truthful, I can hardly wait to be done.  It's been a long commitment, and anyone else who has homeschooled understands that.  It meant giving up things I wanted to do, so I could dedicate time to my kids, but then again, what I really wanted to do was have great kids, who were outstanding citizens, gifted in each of their God given areas, and hearts that are in love with God, not cause Mom says so, but because they want to love God.  To that end, if you ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say YES and Amen!  God has rewarded my effort, how ever failing and weak at times, with three of most wonderful young adults you can imagine.  God has answered my prayers for each of them, and I know He will continue to meet them as they continue on their journey as young adults.

    Doors open, and doors close, it's all part of life.  Like a good mystery writer, you come to the end of the chapter and he leaves you hanging wanting to know what will happen next, that's a good book!  I'm turning the page to see what will happen next.  Read on!  Live on!  Life is always changing.  Change is hard, but can be good.

Enough is Enough!

       I've been hit by it and I'm sure you have too, the "Not Enough" syndrome.  You know what it is, you've been 'doing' something, and the enemy comes along and says, "You didn't do enough." "It's not good enough."  Then there's people that will side with the enemy and throw it in your face, "You didn't do enough." "You didn't pray enough." "You didn't give enough." "You didn't care enough." "You didn't love enough."

       Enough is Enough!

       When is enough enough?  Who is the judge on when it's enough?  Is there a level of enough?

       Being one who lost a love one to a devastating disease, I know what's it like to be accused of not 'doing enough."  (Although those that accused me hadn't done anything themselves to help.)  When would enough been satisfied?  When I dropped over dead before Todd, from sheer exhaustion and fatigue?  Then would it been enough?  When every penny of our bank account drained, (not that there was much to drain) would that have been enough?  

        I know I'm not alone in these feelings of 'not enough' cause I've heard it from other grieving spouses.   They feel condemned that they didn't do enough, or so they feel, cause their loved one still died. I want to say to them loud and clear; You did not fail, you did everything in the natural and spiritual level, and you did not fail!  

        The accusers of "Not Enough" are siding with the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  The "Not Enough" always wants to take more, it wants to destroy you, it wants to kill you.  But the good news is, God has come to give life, and he's the God that's more than enough, He is El Shaddai.  And you see, that same God lives in me, so I have the "more than enough" inside me.  

        The definition of "Enough" is: adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. 

        God is the one that's enough for our every need.  He's adequate for our every need, and sufficient for the purpse, and can satisfy our every desire.  Actually He's more than enough, that's what El Shaddai means (one of the redemptive names of God).

         So we know God is 'enough,' but what about us?  Am I enough?  

         Last night Kristi and I went to a Bible Study by John Bevere on "Breaking Intimidation."  It was only the first night, and it was excellent!  I love the quote on the flyer for the class; "Say "NO" without feeling guilty, be secure without the approval of man."  I especially like the 'be secure without the approval of man' part, cause I've fought that insecurity, feeling worthless thing for years, which ties right in with 'you'll never be good enough, you'll never be ____ enough.'  Just fill in the blank, it's there.  

         It's what Kristi said to me on the way home, that shook my inner being. As my sweet wise daughter said to me, "No one is better at what you do, than you Mom."  I immediately started to say, "Oh lots of people do better at what I do than me..." when suddenly I caught what she was saying!  No one on this green earth can do Kelley Grace better than me!!  I'm the only me there is, and who I am and how I live my life is the best that will be of me.  I am enough!  I don't have to try to be like anyone else, cause God didn't make me anyone else, he made me me.  

         I love it when my kids speak volumes into my life. And this 'volume' comes from a girl that is so comfortable in her own skin.  She does not care what others think of her, she is so herself, and I love that about her.   

         It's enough to say, my enough was enough for Todd, cause it's all that I had.  All I did for Todd was enough, cause it's all the enough I had.  I loved and cared for him with every fiber of my being.  I did in the natural and spiritual everything I knew to do, and felt God tell me to do.  If you don't believe that, then I'd say, you weren't around to see it.  My enough was enough, cause I gave all I had.

         Enough is enough!

    

Be Real

When life seems crazy and you find yourself needing a good dry cleaning, and you get stuck in the dryer.
Life just needs to get real.

    Yesterday the phrase, "Be Real" was rolling around in my head.  We live in a such an unreal world.  Pictures are photo shopped to look perfect, music recorded is adjusted in the studio to 'sound better.' If you don't believe that, just hear your favorite band live someday.  Videos are edited and the movie industry has all kinds of 'trick' photography. 

   When we get down to life, we're not much different than the rest of the world. People walk around with their masks on pretending that they are so much better than they really are.  Sometimes cause they just don't want to face what they're going through, and sometimes because they don't want anyone else to know that they're hurting.  I think that's when pride enters in.

  It's not that one should walk around with their dirty laundry exposed for everyone to see, but there are times and places you need to just get real.  Quit playing the game, and be real and honest.  Oh human nature doesn't like to be honest, cause then it might show that we're not perfect.  No one is perfect.  (Except Jesus)  The rest of us, are what is called, human, full of faults and failings.  

   But thank God we have Jesus to help us through all those faults and failings.

   I heard on the radio yesterday a young lady, who is a Christian singer, get real. She's made fame with her music in the Christian world, but from what she said on the interview, things were falling apart at home.  She said, her and her husband decided to get real, and begin to share that things weren't going well, they got help.  She didn't share any details, and I don't need to know, but it sounded though things might not be perfect, they're on the road to recovery.  She said since they've opened up other couples have come to them, confessing that they're falling apart at home too.  Being real, has allowed her and her husband to help others get real, and get help. Christianity is not the great cover-up but the great unveiling.  It's when God starts pulling back the layers in our life, to expose those things that need correction.  It's the unfolding of His grace.  Taking what is awful and making it into something beautiful.  God has a way of doing that.

    Just like when you peel an onion pulling back those layers can cause tears.  Tears can wash though.  In Grief Share, I learned the phrase, "Tears give you a good washing, and laughter a good dry cleaning."  We need them both.  There are just some areas that crying over it won't help any more, so you might as well laugh.

   Some time ago, Kristi (my daughter) and I were talking, and she said, "Mom, I can't write like you."  I was like, "What?"  For I think Kristi's writing ability has far succeeded mine.  (If you haven't read what she's written you need to check out her postings on: www.fanfiction.net and search under writer as: lotrlover16. Her stories all called "The L and L Adventures.")  She said, "Mom, I can't bear my heart for the whole world to see, like you do."  I had to stop and think, is that what I do?  I've been accused by some, of being too open, by another of writing because I'm trying to ease my guilty conscience.  

     Well, I don't have a guilty conscience, and maybe I'm a little too open, but I kind of feel, if I've walked a road of pain and suffering (of a sort) then maybe what I've gone through, can help someone else.  The key word there is gone "through."   I'm not stopping in my pain and grief, I'm going on.  In one of the most familiar verses in the Bible, Psalms 23 is says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me."   I'm going through, I'm not stopping and setting up a tent in the valley of death.  

     Being real:  There were days I didn't think I'd get through.  I thought I'd die with Todd.  There were times, I thought I'd die before him of sheer exhaustion from the constant care of him.  I saw no hope, I saw no ray of sunshine.  I know what it is to be rock bottom.  But when I hit the bottom, I found there was the Rock, and the rock's name was Jesus.  Oh, I knew Him before, but I know Him in a whole new way now.   Am I perfect?  Oh, no!  (Did you just hear the roar of laughter?  I'm picking myself up off the floor from laughing at the thought of being 'perfect.')  But I am a little bit stronger now.  I think it's like weight lifting (not that I've ever done that) the weights are heavy, and your muscles get sore and tired, but the end result is you get stronger.  I believe your muscles even 'break down' in the process, and have to be 'rebuilt.' It's a new strength you didn't have before going through all the pain of lifting.

     I haven't arrived, but I am going through.  I'm so glad He's with me every step of the way.

     Today marks 16 months since Todd moved to heaven.  It's another one of those 'landmarks' days.  In some ways it doesn't seem that long, in others it seems even longer, funny how time is like that.  In the past 16 months, this scripture from The Message translation has been an anchor in my soul.   "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG  

Tonight I Danced With You

Fiddlin' Johnny and Frog Holler String Band

When I came home from the concert tonight I wrote the following:

Tonight I Danced

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

We polkaed and waltzed across a clouded floor

We soared with the music

And then you faded

Back into my memories. 

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I heard your laughter and your sweet embrace

You twirled me around

Just like you use to do

Back in my memories.

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I wanted it to last all night

But I opened my eyes

And you were gone

Back in my memories.

+++++++++++++++++++++

    Tonight I went to a free concert at the Heritage Center, Fiddlin' Johnny and the Frog Holler String Band played. If you've never heard Fiddlin' Johnny then you really have missed hearing a fine musician.  There was the Fiddle pieces, there was Polkas, Waltzes, and Blues and Jazz.  A couple of the pieces the Frog Holler String Band had Johnny play on the spot, he never had played them before, and I never heard a missed note, but I guess that's what happens when you have your masters in music.

    Somewhere in the middle of the polka number, I closed my eyes, and in my mind's eye I was dancing with Todd.  Occasionally we danced, like around the kitchen when a good song came on the radio, or on those wedding dance occasions we sometimes kicked up our heels and did a polka or a waltz together.  Neither one of us were very good, but we'd laugh and dance anyway. But tonight it was only in my memories, but I still saw him there.  He would have loved the concert tonight, cause he loved fiddle music as much as me.  

    When I first started playing fiddle after I turned 40, Todd wanted me to play the Orange Blossom Special so bad.  I don't think he understood I was struggling to play Twinkle Twinkle, and the Orange Blossom Special is not exactly an easy piece to play.  My Violin instructor found me a beginners version of the song, and I worked like crazy to learn it, and did manage to master it enough to play it at recital.  Believe me, I've never gotten to the level of playing that's enjoyable to the listener, just ask my dog, he howls when I play (no joking).  

    Todd was so proud of me for learning the piece and I wanted to play it mostly for him. He loved it.  

   Tonight I just sat and listened.  Life has been just a little bit stressful for me lately, like I'm sure it is for lots of other people.  I feel pressures coming in from all sides, and it's suffocating at times, so tonight, I just took a break from all the pressures and just sat and listened to a fine fiddler, and let the music wash over me, and chase the stress away, if but for a moment.  

    Music has a way of doing that.  I thank God so much, that music lives on the inside of me, and I have a little talent in that area.  I know there's a whole lot of people better than me, and that's ok, but I just enjoy doing what I can do, and hope it blesses those who hear.

     But tonight I'm thankful to just to be able to listen to another who's a master at what he does. Even in a fiddle tune or a polka, God can minister to your heart and bring back some joy, where pain has resided.

  

Angels came to meet with Her

Back in 2011 Long time friends; R-L
Todd & Kelley Reuer, Tina Isaguire, Marilyn and Rich Apfel, Jun Isaguire, Ann Rowe

   Today, Thurs. March 5, one of the most precious woman of God I've ever known met her Savior face to face.  Marilyn Apfel is now safe in the arms of Jesus.

   On Sunday night (March 1) I was sitting at my piano worshipping the Lord.  I began to just play (I'm not all that good, but I love to play) and while I was just playing, I suddenly thought of Marilyn, and somehow I felt I was in her room where she was laying in Minnesota and I saw angels all around her and they were singing to my playing.  I didn't really 'hear' anything, but I just knew they were singing, and had been sent by God to her bedside, and to 'usher' her home when she was ready to go.  

  I don't think my piano playing was all that beautiful, but what I heard in my heart was the most beautiful music ever.  

  There's a scripture that says the Lord sings over us, and I've always wondered how that song goes, and what it sounds like.  What's the song over my life that the Lord sings?  I know the song over Marilyn was beautiful.  Her life was beautiful.

   In the last year before Todd went into a nursing home, he refused to sleep.  I would try everything to get him to bed.  It was a battle every night.  The one thing that worked better than anything else, was I promised him I'd read to him the book about Marilyn Apfel called "They called her Mom," (available on Amazon Kindle).  He loved hearing the story of her life.  I'd often say to him, "And we know her!  Isn't this amazing!"  He liked the story, and sometimes would fall asleep while I was reading (at least for a little while.)  I think I read the book to him aloud three times, just a few pages at a time.  Every time through I was amazed at how God worked in her life and Rich's life.  

   I think back to another time a few years ago, I was on the phone talking to Marilyn.  Todd had just lost his job, and was no longer able to work, my house was packed up ready to move, but I didn't know where to go or what to do.  Life was so confusing and hard.  That's when Marilyn called to encourage me.  She said words of encouragement to me that were probably the kindest words anyone has ever said to me.  She believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  

   Around that time we actually went to Minneapolis and met  Rich and Marilyn at a restaurant. Later in the car in the parking lot,  Marilyn spent quite a bit of time praying for us.  I know God is still answering those prayers.  I remember her praying for me, and saying "You're backed against a wall, but God is going to open a door for you.  Find the door and open it."

    So today my heart is somewhat sad to know she won't be around to talk to again, but I rejoice at the same time to be able to say that I have known such a wonderful woman as Marilyn Apfel. 

   She fought long and hard as cancer ravaged her body, but today there's no more pain or suffering.

   My heart goes out to Rich and the kids; Jamie and Lisa and grand kids.  May God give you great comfort as you begin to walk this road without Marilyn by your side.  He IS the God of all comfort and He WILL walk with you every step of the way.

    I'm thinking maybe Todd was there to greet Marilyn too. 

Marilyn and Rich Apfel

The Journey

The following is a story I wrote based on a dream I had a few nights ago.  I expanded and elaborated the dream, but this is pretty much what the dream was.

The Journey  

 

   "Climb aboard my angel," he said with his cowboy grin. 

    He opened the door of his old blue and white GMC pickup for me, and I slid over on the seat so I could be seated right next to him as he took his place behind the wheel.  He reached for the key and started the engine.  He looked over at me and said, "Feel the power!"

    I burst out laughing at our inside joke.  This old pickup was anything but powerful, but it was noisy with that missing muffler.  

    "You really need to get that thing fixed you know," I said, "but when you do, I won't know when you're coming anymore."

    "You'll always know where I'm at, Angel, cause you're riding with me from now on, right beside me, my pard, my co-pilot. Together we're going places."

    "So just where are we going, Cowboy?" I responded. 

    "Oh, just down the road a piece," he replied with that ear to ear smile.

    "Down the road a piece, now that's really telling me a lot, come on, don't you know where we're going?"

    He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a fresh new road map and handed it to me.  "Here, take this, this should help. This is something the Lord gave me when he talked to me about marrying you.  He gave me this map, and told me you'd help me follow it.  I'm not sure which roads to take, but our destination is on there.  It's now part of your job, to help us find the right roads to take to get us there.  I guess you could say you are now the 'Reader of the Map', the one to see, by means of the map, where we're headed, and where we've been."

    I took at the map, and smiled. I love maps!  My whole life I have loved looking at maps and seeing how roads connect this way and that, and finding routes to new places I've never been to.  I opened the map with anticipation to see where our journey would take us.  To my surprise, this map wasn't like any other I had studied before.  There was little map, but many words.  I looked up at him with a quizzical look.

    "I don't get it?  I've never seen a map like this before.  There's nothing to read, except all these words. What is this?"

    "True, this is not like other maps you've seen and read.  This one, only has the picture of where we've been, but words to guide us to where we're going.  This is not an easy journey, and will take much time with the map maker and his words to get on the right road."

    It was then I understood, these were the words of the Lord, there to guide us down this new journey we were taking.  For now all that was on the map was the places we'd been since we'd met, and now married.  There was this little blue line that showed every where we'd been.  It crisscrossed across Montana, North and South Dakota and even journeyed briefly into Canada where we took our honeymoon.

   As we drove, the map would appear, and mark our journey with that blue line.  The other roads we could have taken also appeared.  This was so strange, but so cool!  

    "I'll cherish this for sure!!  I said holding onto the map as if it was a pile of sparkling diamonds and bars of gold.  

    "This is one of the most incredible things I've ever had."

    Year after year we both studied the map, checking to see if we were on the right journey.  Sometimes I didn't understand it, and we'd sit and talk and pray for hours discussing what we felt the map was saying to us. Occasionally we changed the vehicle we were driving.  We went to a more economical car, and years later a van and SUV, but the map went with us every time we got in.  We even took it with us when we boarded a plane and flew half way around the world, and sang and preached about our map maker to people we'd never met before.  That made our map expand greatly, and it was so fun to watch it grow. Our world was growing larger. We often talked about the grand adventure we were on together.

    There was a sad time in our journey, and it makes me cry every time I look at the map and see that blue line and where it went.  It's when my Cowboy took the map and threw it and said he was tired of following that old thing, and wanted to do what he wanted to do.  I wept and cried and pleaded with him, but he took the map and hid it from me.  It took me sometime, but I eventually found where he had hidden the map, by then our journey had taken many of bad turns, but it was still recorded on the map. 

   

    "Get in," he said, the smile gone from his face. 

     "Where are we going now?"

     "You'll see."

     His words to me were so few these days, his smiling face had faded to an empty stare.  

    "Do you want me to drive?" I dared ask. He'd never let me drive, for I was the reader of the map, not the driver.

    "Not now," he wearily replied, "maybe later."

    Later?  I pondered.  What does he mean?  Would he really let me drive us somewhere?  

     The road he took was not a familiar one to me, and it was long and rough.  I so wanted to stop and rest, and get refreshed by a good nights sleep, but he drove on and on.

     I turned to our tattered map, and studied for some words to help decipher where we were going and which roads to take that might be better than the one we were on.  The words were blurred and hard to read, a result of the time it was hidden away.   

    The vehicle jolted, and I looked up.  Where was he taking us?!  There was no longer a road, and hardly a trail.  We bumped along this trail for a long time.  Occasionally I would say, "Watch out for that hole or rock." Sometimes it was soon enough for him to avoid, but eventually it was like it didn't matter, he hit them anyway.   I was feeling beat up and oh so weary and confused.  This part of the journey didn't make any sense.

   "Do you really know where we're going?" I asked out of sheer frustration.  

    There was no answer, just a blank stare as he drove on and on down this rough rough pasture or field, it seemed to go no where, there was no road or path now showing us where to go.

   In the distance, I saw this shabby looking building.  It looked scary beyond words, I didn't not want to go there.  I looked to my map, and the words were more blurry then they had ever been before.  Maybe it was just the fatigue, and weariness, but I couldn't hardly focus.  This had been the worst part of our journey, and the longest.  There had been no happy joyous times on this trip.  This was not like any we had taken before.  I so hoped for a fairy tale ending, and things would be just beautiful when this journey ended, and we'd get out of the vehicle at some wonderful place,  but what I saw coming  up ahead was anything but that.

   I felt the vehicle come to a stop.  

   I looked out the windshield at the scariest place I had ever seen in my life!  

   "Get out," he said, with no emotion what so ever.

   With much trepidation I got out of the vehicle, and looked around, I did not like this place at all.  It had the feeling of being empty and alone, scared and vulnerable to what ever this place held.

   Without a word, I watched my Cowboy get back in the vehicle quickly, this time without me, and he drove away.  I was screaming, running after him, saying, "No! Don't leave me here!"  I reached for my cell phone, and saw I had no service, and it was not working again. I hit the the iPhone screen screaming, I need to talk to him one more time, he needs me to help him read the map!  I was sobbing beyond words.  I felt my heart had been torn out of me.  How? Why would he just leave me here in this lonely barren place?  He'd never gone anywhere before without me by his side.  Even in the dark days when he hid the map, I was still with him.  Even down this last bumpy horrible journey, I was still there beside him.  

    Alone, I felt utterly alone.  There was no one there with me, just this dark awful place, that was so scary.  My tears were making little mud puddles around me on the ground.  I don't know how long I knelt there and wept, exhaustion took over and I cried myself to sleep.  I awoke, and it was dark and cold, my face mud stained from the tears and the dirt all around me.  The barrenness of the place sent shivers up my spine.  I walked over to the shabby building and crouched down next to its wall, too afraid to open the door and go inside, and  just wept and wept.

   The sun was just coming up when I awoke again.  It's a new day.  I should be rejoicing.  But he was gone, and I was all alone and didn't know what to do or where to go.  It was then that I saw it laying in the dirt where I had cried myself to sleep the day before.  The map.  I went over and stooped down to pick it up, and wiped the mud and dirt off of it's tattered paper.  

    It suddenly looked new, it's old blue lines were almost gone, just faint reminders of where we had been together.  The words were coming clearer and seemed to be sparkling.  I rubbed my eyes, I must be seeing things, it had never looked like this before.  There seemed to be light shining from its very pages.  It was then I realized the light wasn't coming from just the map, it was all around me.  I looked up and saw the most beautiful man in a shimmering robe.  It was like his clothing was light, I don't know how to explain it, how can light be also a garment?  He reached out his hand to me.  I took his nail pierced hand and he helped me to stand up.  I felt engulfed in his light, and it was such a wonderful feeling.  His light seemed to penetrate through me giving strength to my weary exhausted body.

   His words were kind and gentle when he spoke, and said, "Get in, we have a new journey to take, and I need you to be the reader of the map, for where we will go together."

    

   I awoke with a start, the room still dark, I glanced up to the clock it was four a.m.  It was only a dream?  I rolled over in bed, and through the dim moonlight from the window, I saw his empty pillow.  It really wasn't a dream, this was reality.  I saw my Bible laying open on the bed beside me, and I reached for the light and turned it on.  I sat up and pickup it up and began to read, those words so familiar and true, "Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up in. He paid with Christ’s sacred blood, you know. He died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb. And this was no afterthought. Even though it has only lately—at the end of the ages—become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you. It’s because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God." (‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭18-21‬ MSG)

    My journey hadn't ended, it was only beginning.

  

Finding Value

Tyson and Sarah arm wrestling on the old trunk on the day of their engagement. 

2 Cor. 4:7 "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

 

    Before Todd and I were even married, I acquired an old steamer trunk from some friends rummage sale.  The kind that stands upright, and has drawers and the other side has a place to hang things on these conveniently constructed wooden hangers.  

    The first year or so our marriage, that trunk was our dresser, until some friends came to visit, and gave us an old dresser of theirs. (I still have that one too)

    Later it became my sewing 'dresser' where I stored sewing supplies, and I believe I have always  stored in it, the sheet backdrops I drew and made for Todd's and my wedding that covered up the old ugly furnace in the fellowship hall.

     The thing is very heavy, and has always been a beast to move around.  In my present house, I didn't have room for it, so it's been sitting out in the garage.  I've used it a couple of times for a photography prop, but frankly, it was so heavy I had a hard time moving it around, so it just sat in it's spot on the garage floor.

   A few weeks ago, a friend of mine from SD, came up to Bismarck and we went out for coffee and she was telling me, that she was looking for a really narrow dresser for a small bed room for her daughter.  I thought of the old trunk and invited her to come over and take a look at it to see if it would work, and if it did, she could have it.

   She came and looked at it and said it would work perfect and she insisted she pay something for it, so I finally agreed to take her $50.  I was happy and so was she as we loaded it into her vehicle and she made her way home.

    A couple of days ago I got a text from her saying she wanted to return it to me cause she was feeling guilty cause she only had paid $50 for it, and she said it was worth way more than that.  I assured her it was fine, I was ok with it.  Then she text back that she had done some research on it, and it is worth around  $2000! (Although I doubt mine is worth that much because there is some damage.)   I text back my Wow! and man you got a really good deal then.  She kept saying she wanted to return it, and I said again, it was ok, I'm the one who sold it and didn't realize the value of it.   

   See the reality is, I sold it to her, I no longer own it, it's hers to do with as she pleases, even though I sold it way under it's actual value.  The mistake was mine.  I didn't know the treasure I owned.  I always thought it was cool, but I didn't realize it had value.  

   Then I got to thinking, isn't that how we are so often.  God has put great treasure within us, and we don't know the value of the life we live, and the gifts within us.  We sell ourselves short, for less than we're worth.  It sometimes isn't until someone else points out the value of something, or you take it to an 'expert' you find you've been carrying around treasure and viewing it as junk.

    I know I'm guilty of that so often.  I don't value the gift of God within me, the gift of just being me.  There's lots of reason's why a person gets to that point, but the reality is, I've been wrong when I devalued myself.  That's not how God sees me, nor should I.  In the past few years, I've been changing that very negative view of myself, and taking up God's view.  I'm his child, a valuable treasure to Him.  A pearl of great price.  No that's not being egotistical, quite the contrary, it's being humbled to know that God sees in me something of worth, and it's not me, it's what He put in me.

   My friend finally agreed to just keep the trunk and be happy with her good deal.  I'm not upset in the least, I'm happy to have lightened my load and glad she got a good deal and it's being useful to her. I also learned a great lesson, treasure the gift within for it is of great value!

When Love Comes in a Jelly Jar

I was just having one of those days, you know the kind you wish you could just skip; it's not that anything bad happened, I just felt incredibly discouraged.  I could feel depression knocking on my door and I didn't want to answer; it kept knocking, I kept ignoring, but I was getting more discouraged by the minute.  Suddenly my thoughts were flooded with doom and gloom, and the weights got heavier and heavier. Humm, wonder where that's all coming from, certainly not God!  

    So I took the dog for a walk.  Exercise should help right?  I cried and prayed most of the way, but I'm sure the dog didn't even notice, except he was exceptionally good for once.  Normally on a walk he's stopping to pee on something every few feet and I'm tripping over his leash, but somehow, today, he just trotted on beside me, enjoying the warm weather and only stopped to sniff a few things.  When I finished my trek around the neighborhood with the dog, I stopped to pick up today’s mail.  There was this box in the mail box, and I was curious, and trying to remember if I'd ordered anything lately, but as far as I could remember, I hadn't.  I finally pulled it out, (it was a pretty tight squeeze to get it in the little mailbox) I noticed it was from my friend Brenda in Montana.  For the life of me, I couldn't think of anything that Brenda would be sending me, and besides, my birthday was several weeks ago.  

   I went and sat on the chair on the porch, yes, it really was warm enough to sit outside today; imagine 54 degrees in North Dakota on January 27th! I opened the box with my mailbox key and as I started to unwrap the contents of the bubble wrap and tissue paper, I began to really cry, the big slobbery kind of cry, that requires Kleenex. It was a jar of Jalapeno/Basil Jelly that Brenda had made this fall, and I had heard how wonderful it was.  I cried and cried.  I know, now you really think I'm crazy, I'm crying over jelly.  It wasn't the jelly, really, it was the thought behind it.  Although I am not a jelly fan at all, (PP&J's are only good if you leave off the 'J') I do love Jalapeno Jelly.  I'd been teasing Brenda about her jelly since she made it last fall, (showing off her  wonderful jars with Facebook pictures) saying she should "Beam me up Scottie" so I could come have a taste.  

    I dialed her number, still sobbing, then thought maybe I should have waited till I quit crying so I wasn't blowing snot in her ear.  The tissue wrapping paper became my Kleenex, and I finally dried my eyes, and had a wonderful long chat with Brenda, her every word lifting my sinking spirit. 

     Friends that love you, that don't even care if you're blowing your nose and can barely talk through the tears, those kind of friends are a such a treasure.  I'm so thankful God has put not only Brenda, but many others like her that have been there for me no matter what.  They know my heart, and believe in me, even when I don't.  They're there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and bruised my knee. They are there when I don't think there's any hope, to remind me of the God of all hope. They are there showing me God still loves me and has plans for me too. I thank God so much for my friends.

    Thank you Brenda for the jelly and the encouragement, and most of all thank you Jesus for showing me love in a jar of jelly. (Yah, it's got a good kick too!)

  Prov 27: 9 says, “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.” (HCSB)

     

The Anniversary

"Mom, don't do it, do you really want this memory on your Anniversary?"

"What difference is gonna make, this is when he died, it will always be remembered at this time anyway.  This is the day we started our lives together, this will be the day, we honor him and we say our good-byes."

That was my conversation with my oldest son, Tyson, last year, concerning when to have Todd's funeral.  I chose today, January 2.  It just seemed the right thing to do.  I don't regret my decision.    I wanted to honor Todd in every way possible.  

How does one say their good-byes to your best friend, spouse, lover, prayer partner, pard, soulmate?  It's been a very long hard process.  There's not been a day gone by this past year, when I haven't missed him, thought of him, remembered a memory of him.

God sent me on a journey this past year, that is probably not the typical grieving widows journey,  but it was a journey I needed.  It required a lot of time traveling, and God so graciously supplied me with the money for every part of the journey.  He sent me back to places that sometimes were hard to go back to, some were a joy to return to.  Every place, every person, significant in Todd's and my life together.  It was like putting a puzzle together that had just been dumped on the ground.  I had memory of it all as a picture before, but it had been destroyed, and now piece by piece God is putting it back together.  Some of you were there helping me put the pieces back together, helping me find the connecting pieces of what the picture of my life will look like now.  

I've never been good at putting puzzles together, just ask my kids.  I struggle for hours, if my patience lasts that long,  just trying to find two pieces that connect.  Once in a illustrated lesson with Kristi, I was suppose to put together this really simple puzzle (with the picture), while she had to put together a more difficult puzzle without the picture of what it looked like.  She finished her difficult puzzle, and had to help me finish mine.  So much for an illustration. (The point trying to be made was when you have the picture of what you're doing- the Bible as your guide- you can put your puzzle together quicker.)  We've had a few laughs over that one.  

A friend, on one of my journeys, described my past year as this, "Kelley, it's like God has been giving you connections, like a net being tied together.  It's like a safety net, to help and protect you."  I thought that was a great illustration.  

In the back of the guest book from our wedding, I have written down what we did every year on our Anniversary.  I have no entry to write this year, only memories to remember of the one who I loved more than anyone else. So wish he was still in the present picture, but he'll always be in my heart. Love and miss you Todd.