The Anniversary

"Mom, don't do it, do you really want this memory on your Anniversary?"

"What difference is gonna make, this is when he died, it will always be remembered at this time anyway.  This is the day we started our lives together, this will be the day, we honor him and we say our good-byes."

That was my conversation with my oldest son, Tyson, last year, concerning when to have Todd's funeral.  I chose today, January 2.  It just seemed the right thing to do.  I don't regret my decision.    I wanted to honor Todd in every way possible.  

How does one say their good-byes to your best friend, spouse, lover, prayer partner, pard, soulmate?  It's been a very long hard process.  There's not been a day gone by this past year, when I haven't missed him, thought of him, remembered a memory of him.

God sent me on a journey this past year, that is probably not the typical grieving widows journey,  but it was a journey I needed.  It required a lot of time traveling, and God so graciously supplied me with the money for every part of the journey.  He sent me back to places that sometimes were hard to go back to, some were a joy to return to.  Every place, every person, significant in Todd's and my life together.  It was like putting a puzzle together that had just been dumped on the ground.  I had memory of it all as a picture before, but it had been destroyed, and now piece by piece God is putting it back together.  Some of you were there helping me put the pieces back together, helping me find the connecting pieces of what the picture of my life will look like now.  

I've never been good at putting puzzles together, just ask my kids.  I struggle for hours, if my patience lasts that long,  just trying to find two pieces that connect.  Once in a illustrated lesson with Kristi, I was suppose to put together this really simple puzzle (with the picture), while she had to put together a more difficult puzzle without the picture of what it looked like.  She finished her difficult puzzle, and had to help me finish mine.  So much for an illustration. (The point trying to be made was when you have the picture of what you're doing- the Bible as your guide- you can put your puzzle together quicker.)  We've had a few laughs over that one.  

A friend, on one of my journeys, described my past year as this, "Kelley, it's like God has been giving you connections, like a net being tied together.  It's like a safety net, to help and protect you."  I thought that was a great illustration.  

In the back of the guest book from our wedding, I have written down what we did every year on our Anniversary.  I have no entry to write this year, only memories to remember of the one who I loved more than anyone else. So wish he was still in the present picture, but he'll always be in my heart. Love and miss you Todd.