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| Facing the blank canvas |
I’ve struggled most of my life with insecurity, which I think is actually intimidation and fear in disguise. That insecurity of not doing it right or good enough, has kept me from often doing things really in my heart to do.
In other areas I often jump in and start doing something not having a clue as to how to do it, but knowing somehow by God’s grace I can. Recently I met a friend at Mendards when I was buying something to fix something in my house. I confessed I had no clue how to fix it, but I was gonna try, since I lacked anyone to help me. My friend laughed and said, “Has not knowing how to do something ever stopped you from anything Kelley?” I laughed and said, “I guess not.” But fear has stopped me, in many area from even starting.
Last year, I found a few portraits stored under Kristi’s bed that I had done in high school. Two in pointillism and one done in coffee. In High School and College, I was a fairly good artist, but to be truthful, I’ve hardly picked up a paint brush or drawing pencil in years. I’ve done a few quick simple paintings as a sermon illustration but that’s about it. The other day I was talking to two young girls here in Kenmare about art, and it came out of my mouth, “I’ve had a painting rolling around in my head and heart for a couple of years, but I’m afraid to pick up the brush again, what if I can’t do this anymore?” At that moment, I identified why I put it off. I was afraid. Afraid of failure. So one way to make sure I won’t fail is, to never start. Right? Wrong!
Never starting because I’m afraid, is the same as failing. I’ll never succeed unless I try. So this afternoon, I faced my fear. Seriously I was shaking. Can I still do this?
I spent the afternoon and evening at the easel first with a sketch pencil, then with a paint brush and jar of Sanka Coffee. By the way, this is the same jar of Sanka I used in High School to do that other painting. Price stamped on top of the jar is: $1.36. You guessed it, I don’t get rid of things easily, especially if it’s still useful. And this jar of Sanka was never meant to be drank, only paint with.
My sketch wasn’t perfect, actually ended up a little ‘squatty’ looking, but I finished about 11 pm. It is the painting I’ve imagined for the last few years. It’s not perfect, but it is completed, and that’s the best part.
I use to have a saying in High School and College the only thing coffee is good for is to paint with. Tonight I found that true again. Interesting enough, this past week, I felt strongly from the Lord, not to have any coffee to drink. Maybe His reasoning was for my health reasons more, but in ‘fasting’ the coffee to drink, I actually found something deep within me again, my love for art and the feel of the paint brush in my hand. I’d forgotten just how good it feels. It’s somehow part of finding the Kelley that’s been in hiding, and too fearful to try again.
I thank God, for this day, when I know I’m set free from that fear that’s holding me back from being who I really am. Free to let the gift out that’s inside me. Not only in my art, but many other areas. Cause like all gifts inside people, the gift is not for the one who carry’s it, but it’s for others. I enjoyed painting a picture, but now others can enjoy the painting too.
Don’t let fear hold you back from what’s inside. Open up your heart and let the gift of God within you come out for all to see and enjoy.
I also found out, my sun room in my house is the most wonderfully lighted art studio one could ever wish for, well, at least till it got dark outside that is.
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| Sketching the rough draft |
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| Finished painting. Todd and Quito. |