Update on Todd

(picture from a couple years ago on our 30th Anniversary)

Recently in a phone conversation with my son Tyson, he said to me, "Mom, you're a fixer, you've always fixed everything in our lives that broke, but you can't fix this one."  Through my tears that were running down my face, I knew he was right.  I can't fix this one, but oh how I wish I could.

   The last few weeks (months and years) have the most difficult time I've ever been through, but no one could have prepared me for the heart ache I'm going through right now.

    Two weeks ago, I took Todd to see a psychiatrist (they deal with sleep issues and drugs to help) here in Bismarck at the recommendation of our family doctor.  Todd has not been sleeping for some time, mostly averaging an hour or two a night (if even that) which meant, I got about the same.  Exhaustion isn't even a good enough word to describe how I felt.  He would often though fall asleep in a car, or if we could actually get him to sit down for a few minutes, which was rare.  The best word to describe him is 'busy.'  Being a true work-a-holic something in his brain is still telling him  he must keep moving.  But back to the doctor visit.  After about an hour with the doctor and answering her hundred questions about Todd, she said she wanted to hospitalize him and run some tests and see if they could regulate his sleep.  I asked her when she wanted to do that, and her answer was "Now."  I sat stunned, now?  really?  I'm not ready for this, but the wheels were already in motion.  In the next ten minutes he was whisked away from me, and I was put in another locked room.  Neither Todd nor I were prepared for what was happening, especially Todd.  Suddenly he had strangers telling him he had to take his clothes off, (something he won't even do for me) and put on hospital garb.  Let's just say it didn't go well.  The next I saw him, there was an officer escorting him to what they call the "quiet room."  (Looked more like a padded cell to me).  I spent the next 45 minutes in a room with 'ditsy' nurse who didn't know how to run a computer.  Let's just say I wasn't a happy camper.  When I finally got to see Todd, he was in the 'quiet room' on a mat on the floor in hospital garb and I could tell he'd been drugged, as his eyes weren't tracking.  Let's just say I think the day would qualify for one of our worst days since we've been married for both of us.  They finally told me I should leave as what they gave him would make him sleep for the rest of the day.   I went home and cried and cried.

     Eleven years ago when Todd had the horse accident and suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) we had no clue as to how it would effect our lives forever.  Todd really has never been quite the same since, but did function well for the next 8 years or so.  The last 3 years or more have not been so well.  Two years ago when he lost his employment out in Kintyre, I took him to see a neurologist and a neuropsychologist.  At that time he scored a 9 on the mental score test (30 being normal)  Since his time in the hospital they've redone the test and he scored a 1.  The MRI that was done has shown that his brain has shrunk considerably since the CAT scan two years ago.  Other than that, all the doctors were looking for in why this is happening so rapidly has come back negative. No answers to our "WHY?"  It just is, and bar a miracle of God it only gets worse.  

   

   The medical staff and my pastor and his staff have counseled with me, that it's time to put him in a facility for his care.  The kids and I have prayed lots, and all the kids agree with the staff that it's time.  The nursing staff at the hospital can't figure out how in the world I've been doing this on my own for so long, I say, by the grace of God and love.  My heart is breaking, but I know they're right, I can't keep on the way it's been.  

    So the search has been on for a placement for Todd.  This has proved to be quite difficult as his needs are very high, and his age is young.  Several of the memory care facilities in the Bismarck area will not take him cause he's not 55. (he's 52).  Several other nursing homes have turned him down cause of his wandering and sleeplessness.  We continue to pray that God would open a door for him in a good facility and close to us, as we still want to see him all the time. (Even our dog is acting lonely for Todd, unfortunately we can't take Quito into the hospital).

   People have been asking what they can do to help. All I can say is to pray.  Right now, pray an opening would open up close by for him.  Pray for strength for Kristi and I.  I'm still exhausted and sleep is not coming easy through all this, and compounded on the months of exhaustion that was before this.  Pray for direction for us, peace and safety.   

I want to close with something I wrote a back in May.

Please Don't Forget Me Dear

When you no longer remember my name, I'll still be there

When you no longer remember why I'm by your side, I'll still be there.

When you forget where you are, I'll still be there.

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

You may forget that long white dress I wore the day I changed my last name to match yours

You may forget that ring I've worn all these years

You may forget where we lived when we were young

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

When confusion clouds your mind, and my frustration level is high

When your thinking is irrational, and I'm pulling out my hair

When you wander away, and I panic trying to find you

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

Please don't forget how we loved, how we walked

Together hand and hand, pards in love forever

Please don't forget that God joined us together

Please don't forget me dear, but I know you might.

And if you do, and no longer remember who I am

Can I swing that rope around us one more time

Joining us together in that eternal love

Even if you forget my name, don't forget how much I love you

(I  wrote this after having a conversation with Todd last night, and he couldn't remember my name.  When I asked him if he was married he said no.  It took him about 5 minutes to remember my name, but did remember Quito's name right off. :-) Ok, I'm some where lower than the dog. LOL) 

July seems to be a great time for Family Reunions.  Here are a couple shots from some family sessions I did recently.

 The above family was celebrating a 60th Wedding Anniversary and the Grandfather's 80th birthday.  What a fun family and beautiful yard!  

 Met this family last Saturday morning.  Had a fun time taking a few family shots for them. Loved their color coordinating family groups. (The kids really liked my Donald Duck too!!)

Last but not least, is my own family.  The old farm house in the background.  The house is now the oldest existing building north of Mandan.  Somewhere around 106?  I'm not quite sure, but at least we're all not that old.  Been in the Shaw family for many many years. They purchased it from the original homesteaders.  Mom's 60th wedding Anniversary gift was air conditioning.  I'm here to announce it's all installed and running!  Mom is loving it!  (it was not yet installed at the time of this picture though)

All five of kids were home, but only the two youngest grand kids, Kristi and True, were there for the picture. 

A Taxing Snow fall

On April 14, 2013 Mandan had a record falling snow fall.  I think it's about 18" although the weather men say a little less I think, but how can you measure when the wind was blowing?

Here's a couple of shots I took this morning April 15, 2013

More snow than we had all winter.

Fluffy looked a little perplexed at the depth of the snow. Like how do I get through this?

 Quito came over and looks like he's giving some instruction for deep snow walking to Fluffy.

 Fluffy gave up. Back to the garage. Which way to go?

 He had to take a flying leap to keep in the tracks of the tractor.

Mom's barrel flower pots are almost buried.  When I walked through the yard, it was up to my knees. Where is our spring?  But thankful for the moisture.

Concordia Track Meet Feb 2, 2013

We only made it to one of Phil's indoor meets this year.  This was at Concordia College in Moorhead.  We had quite the adventure coming home, see below for the whole story.

Here's Phil running the 400. 

 Above picture is right after Phil threw up after running the 400. At least he's still smiling. Had to run the 60 shortly after this.

 Phil extending a hand to other runners before the 60.

 Track meets are always something close to a three ring circus.

 Running the 200.

On our drive home, we hit zero visibility, by the time we got to Jamestown, I pulled in hoping I could get a hotel room, but the prices were just out of our budget, so I put a little blurb on Facebook about the lousy weather and having to keep driving.  I had just pulled back onto the I94 when my phone rang and a friend of mine said he had friends in Jamestown. He was going to call them and see if we could stay there.  I told him I'd pull off at the next exit and wait for his call, otherwise I'd have to keep driving.  He called back about the time I found an exit and said "Well, when I told them you had 12 kids, they weren't too excited, but they said you could stay anyway. ha ha"  I told my friend, "but did you tell them I left 11 of them at home?"  

So, I drove back to Jamestown and meet this wonderful couple who opened up their home to us.  We ate cookies and drank hot cocoa and told stories till midnight.  Found out we had some other common friends in Mobridge too. It's a small world.  Sunday morning we went to church with them and then left following the service, by then the roads were pretty clear.  We saw at least four accidents on the interstate on the way home, so I was glad we had stayed. Plus now we have some great new friends!  Thank you again Biff and Claudine!!