It's funny how things you do, or don't do, can bring back a memory good or bad. I was cooking the other day in the kitchen (of course, where else do you cook) and I looked around and several of my kitchen cupboards doors were open. As I went back flippin' doors shut, I suddenly remembed one of the few times Todd ever humiliated me in public.
We were pastoring in Kenmare at the time, and in Todd's sermon one Sunday morning, he used as an illustration (I do not remember what he was preaching about, I just remember the illustration) that there was one thing that his wife did, that drove him nuts. She leaves cupboard doors open all the time. I'm sure the was a chuckle around the church, but I wasn't chuckling, I was humiliated beyond words, and hurt. Number one, he had never told me in private that this bothered him, and two, I leave cupboard doors open? I do? I didn't even know this was something I did consistently.
While I'm sure no one else in the church even remembered he had said this past leaving the church doors that morning, I was crushed, and it still echos in my ears some 25 years later. I began observing myself after that, and yes, I do leave cupboard doors open behind me, cause more likely than not, my hands are full from removing something of need from the cupboard, and I forget to go back and shut them till later. I began after that to consciously make an effort to make sure I shut doors behind me. Why? Cause it was something that bothered him. And my heart was always to make him happy. Not that I didn't have a few words with him following that service about what he had said publicly. Not that it would have been bad, but please tell me those things first in private, so I can work them, before announcing my faults to everyone else. He of course apologized to me when I told him how much that had hurt me. He hadn't meant to humiliate me, and he assumed I realized I did this all the time, and how much it bothered him.
Well, we learned an important lesson in marriage that day. You should never assume your spouse knows the things that irritate you, and you should never announce them from the pulpit to everyone before mentioning them in private to your spouse.
Was Todd in the habit of intentionally humiliating me in public. No! Far from him, or his heart to ever do that, nor I do it to him. But so often we do things without even thinking, that leaves lasting effects on others. Have I forgiven him? Of course, many years ago, when it happened, but the memory of it still echos in my thoughts every time I see an open cupboard door.
It really got down to the problem of lack of communication. He had never voiced his 'bother' to me, and I wasn't aware this was something I even did, nor that it bothered him so much that he would tell others. But looking back, if this was the greatest thing I did that bothered him, I guess not much about me bothered him. Leaving a cupboard door open is not exactly a criminal offense you know. Do I still leave cupboard doors open? Yah, from time to time, my hands are full, and I forget to go back, so I still do this irritating habit. Does it bother me? yah, it actually does now, cause now it's been pointed out that I do this, and it was something that irritated him, and although he's gone now, I somehow still don't want to irritate him.
Oh yes, leaving a cupboard door open wasn't half as bad as leaving a gate open to Todd. Leave a gate open (even if you were coming right back in a few minutes) would drive him nuts. Always shut a gate that was shut when you opened it, cause you never know what can get out while it is open. I was never accused of doing this awful crime though, cause, I could never get a gate he had built open. Todd built the tightest gates around, and no one except him or someone of his strength level could get them open. So thankfully I never got accused of leaving gates open!
So my advice is, communicate to your spouse not just your irritations, but the things you love about them. Hopefully you can communicate the good more than the bad. Talk to each other. Did Todd and I communicate well? Yah, actually we did, which was why it surprised me he said this in public, we were in the habit of telling each other things we loved and didn't love about each other all the time. We communicated well together, not that it was perfect, as you can tell, something things slipped through the cracks. And always remember, to shut the cupboard door!
