Finishing a chapter in the Book

For the last 10+ years I have sat in this chair, given to me by my kids, to watch them compete in athletic events. I sat in for the last event yesterday.

 
Am I being melancholy or am I  just tired,  yesterday was a hard but happy day.  Sad cause I realized this was the last sporting event of my kids I will ever see (at least for High School years).  I sat in my #1 MOM chair for the last time for them.  Not that I won't ever use the chair again, I'm sure I will, but not to watch a High School sporting event of one of my three.  The book has been closed, the story is over.  Yah, there's a little bit of sad there, it's a way of life I finally got comfortable in.  I didn't grow up with athletics, and if you know me, you understand why. The closest I ever got to being athletic was being on the Dance Team in High School one year (all four years in Marching Band though).  Music was more my forte (pun intended).

   There is a happiness in it all though.   For now that this door has closed, that means new doors can open. New things will open up for Kristi (and the boys too.)   

   Tomorrow we celebrate another door closing.  This one is slamming with a very loud squeak on it's hinges, cause it's been open for a very long time.  Twenty-two years ago, I started homeschooling my children.  What a journey it's been!  Tomorrow we celebrate Kristi's Graduation from our Country Faith Home School.

   There were moments of sheer joy, as I watched the light bulbs go off in their minds, there were moments of amazing frustration, as I watched them struggle with concepts they couldn't quite grasp, and I couldn't quite explain.  There were moments of fun when we met weekly with our OAHE Homeschool group in Mobridge, and practiced for plays and musicals, played basketball, had music and art classes, had our Homeschool Olympics and  just had fun together.  Great memories!  As I face the end celebration tomorrow, I have to be truthful, I can hardly wait to be done.  It's been a long commitment, and anyone else who has homeschooled understands that.  It meant giving up things I wanted to do, so I could dedicate time to my kids, but then again, what I really wanted to do was have great kids, who were outstanding citizens, gifted in each of their God given areas, and hearts that are in love with God, not cause Mom says so, but because they want to love God.  To that end, if you ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say YES and Amen!  God has rewarded my effort, how ever failing and weak at times, with three of most wonderful young adults you can imagine.  God has answered my prayers for each of them, and I know He will continue to meet them as they continue on their journey as young adults.

    Doors open, and doors close, it's all part of life.  Like a good mystery writer, you come to the end of the chapter and he leaves you hanging wanting to know what will happen next, that's a good book!  I'm turning the page to see what will happen next.  Read on!  Live on!  Life is always changing.  Change is hard, but can be good.

Enough is Enough!

       I've been hit by it and I'm sure you have too, the "Not Enough" syndrome.  You know what it is, you've been 'doing' something, and the enemy comes along and says, "You didn't do enough." "It's not good enough."  Then there's people that will side with the enemy and throw it in your face, "You didn't do enough." "You didn't pray enough." "You didn't give enough." "You didn't care enough." "You didn't love enough."

       Enough is Enough!

       When is enough enough?  Who is the judge on when it's enough?  Is there a level of enough?

       Being one who lost a love one to a devastating disease, I know what's it like to be accused of not 'doing enough."  (Although those that accused me hadn't done anything themselves to help.)  When would enough been satisfied?  When I dropped over dead before Todd, from sheer exhaustion and fatigue?  Then would it been enough?  When every penny of our bank account drained, (not that there was much to drain) would that have been enough?  

        I know I'm not alone in these feelings of 'not enough' cause I've heard it from other grieving spouses.   They feel condemned that they didn't do enough, or so they feel, cause their loved one still died. I want to say to them loud and clear; You did not fail, you did everything in the natural and spiritual level, and you did not fail!  

        The accusers of "Not Enough" are siding with the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  The "Not Enough" always wants to take more, it wants to destroy you, it wants to kill you.  But the good news is, God has come to give life, and he's the God that's more than enough, He is El Shaddai.  And you see, that same God lives in me, so I have the "more than enough" inside me.  

        The definition of "Enough" is: adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. 

        God is the one that's enough for our every need.  He's adequate for our every need, and sufficient for the purpse, and can satisfy our every desire.  Actually He's more than enough, that's what El Shaddai means (one of the redemptive names of God).

         So we know God is 'enough,' but what about us?  Am I enough?  

         Last night Kristi and I went to a Bible Study by John Bevere on "Breaking Intimidation."  It was only the first night, and it was excellent!  I love the quote on the flyer for the class; "Say "NO" without feeling guilty, be secure without the approval of man."  I especially like the 'be secure without the approval of man' part, cause I've fought that insecurity, feeling worthless thing for years, which ties right in with 'you'll never be good enough, you'll never be ____ enough.'  Just fill in the blank, it's there.  

         It's what Kristi said to me on the way home, that shook my inner being. As my sweet wise daughter said to me, "No one is better at what you do, than you Mom."  I immediately started to say, "Oh lots of people do better at what I do than me..." when suddenly I caught what she was saying!  No one on this green earth can do Kelley Grace better than me!!  I'm the only me there is, and who I am and how I live my life is the best that will be of me.  I am enough!  I don't have to try to be like anyone else, cause God didn't make me anyone else, he made me me.  

         I love it when my kids speak volumes into my life. And this 'volume' comes from a girl that is so comfortable in her own skin.  She does not care what others think of her, she is so herself, and I love that about her.   

         It's enough to say, my enough was enough for Todd, cause it's all that I had.  All I did for Todd was enough, cause it's all the enough I had.  I loved and cared for him with every fiber of my being.  I did in the natural and spiritual everything I knew to do, and felt God tell me to do.  If you don't believe that, then I'd say, you weren't around to see it.  My enough was enough, cause I gave all I had.

         Enough is enough!

    

Be Real

When life seems crazy and you find yourself needing a good dry cleaning, and you get stuck in the dryer.
Life just needs to get real.

    Yesterday the phrase, "Be Real" was rolling around in my head.  We live in a such an unreal world.  Pictures are photo shopped to look perfect, music recorded is adjusted in the studio to 'sound better.' If you don't believe that, just hear your favorite band live someday.  Videos are edited and the movie industry has all kinds of 'trick' photography. 

   When we get down to life, we're not much different than the rest of the world. People walk around with their masks on pretending that they are so much better than they really are.  Sometimes cause they just don't want to face what they're going through, and sometimes because they don't want anyone else to know that they're hurting.  I think that's when pride enters in.

  It's not that one should walk around with their dirty laundry exposed for everyone to see, but there are times and places you need to just get real.  Quit playing the game, and be real and honest.  Oh human nature doesn't like to be honest, cause then it might show that we're not perfect.  No one is perfect.  (Except Jesus)  The rest of us, are what is called, human, full of faults and failings.  

   But thank God we have Jesus to help us through all those faults and failings.

   I heard on the radio yesterday a young lady, who is a Christian singer, get real. She's made fame with her music in the Christian world, but from what she said on the interview, things were falling apart at home.  She said, her and her husband decided to get real, and begin to share that things weren't going well, they got help.  She didn't share any details, and I don't need to know, but it sounded though things might not be perfect, they're on the road to recovery.  She said since they've opened up other couples have come to them, confessing that they're falling apart at home too.  Being real, has allowed her and her husband to help others get real, and get help. Christianity is not the great cover-up but the great unveiling.  It's when God starts pulling back the layers in our life, to expose those things that need correction.  It's the unfolding of His grace.  Taking what is awful and making it into something beautiful.  God has a way of doing that.

    Just like when you peel an onion pulling back those layers can cause tears.  Tears can wash though.  In Grief Share, I learned the phrase, "Tears give you a good washing, and laughter a good dry cleaning."  We need them both.  There are just some areas that crying over it won't help any more, so you might as well laugh.

   Some time ago, Kristi (my daughter) and I were talking, and she said, "Mom, I can't write like you."  I was like, "What?"  For I think Kristi's writing ability has far succeeded mine.  (If you haven't read what she's written you need to check out her postings on: www.fanfiction.net and search under writer as: lotrlover16. Her stories all called "The L and L Adventures.")  She said, "Mom, I can't bear my heart for the whole world to see, like you do."  I had to stop and think, is that what I do?  I've been accused by some, of being too open, by another of writing because I'm trying to ease my guilty conscience.  

     Well, I don't have a guilty conscience, and maybe I'm a little too open, but I kind of feel, if I've walked a road of pain and suffering (of a sort) then maybe what I've gone through, can help someone else.  The key word there is gone "through."   I'm not stopping in my pain and grief, I'm going on.  In one of the most familiar verses in the Bible, Psalms 23 is says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me."   I'm going through, I'm not stopping and setting up a tent in the valley of death.  

     Being real:  There were days I didn't think I'd get through.  I thought I'd die with Todd.  There were times, I thought I'd die before him of sheer exhaustion from the constant care of him.  I saw no hope, I saw no ray of sunshine.  I know what it is to be rock bottom.  But when I hit the bottom, I found there was the Rock, and the rock's name was Jesus.  Oh, I knew Him before, but I know Him in a whole new way now.   Am I perfect?  Oh, no!  (Did you just hear the roar of laughter?  I'm picking myself up off the floor from laughing at the thought of being 'perfect.')  But I am a little bit stronger now.  I think it's like weight lifting (not that I've ever done that) the weights are heavy, and your muscles get sore and tired, but the end result is you get stronger.  I believe your muscles even 'break down' in the process, and have to be 'rebuilt.' It's a new strength you didn't have before going through all the pain of lifting.

     I haven't arrived, but I am going through.  I'm so glad He's with me every step of the way.

     Today marks 16 months since Todd moved to heaven.  It's another one of those 'landmarks' days.  In some ways it doesn't seem that long, in others it seems even longer, funny how time is like that.  In the past 16 months, this scripture from The Message translation has been an anchor in my soul.   "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG  

Tonight I Danced With You

Fiddlin' Johnny and Frog Holler String Band

When I came home from the concert tonight I wrote the following:

Tonight I Danced

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

We polkaed and waltzed across a clouded floor

We soared with the music

And then you faded

Back into my memories. 

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I heard your laughter and your sweet embrace

You twirled me around

Just like you use to do

Back in my memories.

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I wanted it to last all night

But I opened my eyes

And you were gone

Back in my memories.

+++++++++++++++++++++

    Tonight I went to a free concert at the Heritage Center, Fiddlin' Johnny and the Frog Holler String Band played. If you've never heard Fiddlin' Johnny then you really have missed hearing a fine musician.  There was the Fiddle pieces, there was Polkas, Waltzes, and Blues and Jazz.  A couple of the pieces the Frog Holler String Band had Johnny play on the spot, he never had played them before, and I never heard a missed note, but I guess that's what happens when you have your masters in music.

    Somewhere in the middle of the polka number, I closed my eyes, and in my mind's eye I was dancing with Todd.  Occasionally we danced, like around the kitchen when a good song came on the radio, or on those wedding dance occasions we sometimes kicked up our heels and did a polka or a waltz together.  Neither one of us were very good, but we'd laugh and dance anyway. But tonight it was only in my memories, but I still saw him there.  He would have loved the concert tonight, cause he loved fiddle music as much as me.  

    When I first started playing fiddle after I turned 40, Todd wanted me to play the Orange Blossom Special so bad.  I don't think he understood I was struggling to play Twinkle Twinkle, and the Orange Blossom Special is not exactly an easy piece to play.  My Violin instructor found me a beginners version of the song, and I worked like crazy to learn it, and did manage to master it enough to play it at recital.  Believe me, I've never gotten to the level of playing that's enjoyable to the listener, just ask my dog, he howls when I play (no joking).  

    Todd was so proud of me for learning the piece and I wanted to play it mostly for him. He loved it.  

   Tonight I just sat and listened.  Life has been just a little bit stressful for me lately, like I'm sure it is for lots of other people.  I feel pressures coming in from all sides, and it's suffocating at times, so tonight, I just took a break from all the pressures and just sat and listened to a fine fiddler, and let the music wash over me, and chase the stress away, if but for a moment.  

    Music has a way of doing that.  I thank God so much, that music lives on the inside of me, and I have a little talent in that area.  I know there's a whole lot of people better than me, and that's ok, but I just enjoy doing what I can do, and hope it blesses those who hear.

     But tonight I'm thankful to just to be able to listen to another who's a master at what he does. Even in a fiddle tune or a polka, God can minister to your heart and bring back some joy, where pain has resided.