Ambush of grief from a dictionary app

Todd and I in our 'dating years'  

We had "BIG" glasses! 

lackadaisical- adj.

1. without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; lethargic: a lackadaisical attempt.
2. lazy; indolent: a lackadaisical fellow.

     A word came up in my 'Word for the Day' dictionary app, and I was flooded with memories of Todd again.  Who would think that one word in 'Word for the Day' could ambush a person in grief.  The word seems like an unlikely word for an ambush of grief too, cause it doesn't describe Todd at all, but it reminds me of him so much.

   Todd was the first person to introduce me to this word lackadaisical.  We were talking about teachers we had in High School one time, and he was telling me about his English teacher; Miss Frankenstein (seriously, that was her name).  But Todd said she was beautiful and I believe she had been a 'queen' too (like in a Miss South Dakota or something).  He loved to tell me about what a good teacher she was and how she could really teach something so you remembered.

   When the word lackadaisical came up in their vocabulary list, she demonstrated it, but falling on the floor, and laying there lazily with a daisy.  Todd said he never forgot the meaning of the word, and neither did I, even though I was never in that class.  

   Thank you Miss Frankenstein (who later married and became Mrs. Perman) for being a good teacher and not being lackadaisical in your teaching. Todd learned it, and so did I though him.  

    A memory tied in a word, a moment of grieving, none of which was lackadaisical.

Met Mikki (Frankenstein) Perman recently at a Reuer Family Reunion.  She couldn't believe how much Philip and Kristi looked like Todd.  

    

Floccinaucinihilipilification

   I have this dictionary app on my iPhone, and every day it sends me a 'new' word. Today's word was a doozy.  Floccinaucinihilipilification is one of the longest words in our English language and means: the estimation of something as valueless.  With a whopping 12 syllables to it's pronunciation, it takes a while just to figure out how to say it, remembering it is another thing.

   I look at it as, making a mountain out of mole hill.  How can something that is valueless have such a big word attached to it?  I think it's when we give way too much value to something that does not deserve any of our time or effort.

   I think about the lies we believe about our selves, that you're worthless, or unwanted. Those lies are floccinaucinilipilification. Giving value to a lie is not worth it. Seeing things in the true light is.  

  Put an end to the floccinaucinihilpilification in your life! Or take speech lessons to learn to say the word.  

   Just having a little fun with words on the last day of Homeschooling my kids!

  

Finishing a chapter in the Book

For the last 10+ years I have sat in this chair, given to me by my kids, to watch them compete in athletic events. I sat in for the last event yesterday.

 
Am I being melancholy or am I  just tired,  yesterday was a hard but happy day.  Sad cause I realized this was the last sporting event of my kids I will ever see (at least for High School years).  I sat in my #1 MOM chair for the last time for them.  Not that I won't ever use the chair again, I'm sure I will, but not to watch a High School sporting event of one of my three.  The book has been closed, the story is over.  Yah, there's a little bit of sad there, it's a way of life I finally got comfortable in.  I didn't grow up with athletics, and if you know me, you understand why. The closest I ever got to being athletic was being on the Dance Team in High School one year (all four years in Marching Band though).  Music was more my forte (pun intended).

   There is a happiness in it all though.   For now that this door has closed, that means new doors can open. New things will open up for Kristi (and the boys too.)   

   Tomorrow we celebrate another door closing.  This one is slamming with a very loud squeak on it's hinges, cause it's been open for a very long time.  Twenty-two years ago, I started homeschooling my children.  What a journey it's been!  Tomorrow we celebrate Kristi's Graduation from our Country Faith Home School.

   There were moments of sheer joy, as I watched the light bulbs go off in their minds, there were moments of amazing frustration, as I watched them struggle with concepts they couldn't quite grasp, and I couldn't quite explain.  There were moments of fun when we met weekly with our OAHE Homeschool group in Mobridge, and practiced for plays and musicals, played basketball, had music and art classes, had our Homeschool Olympics and  just had fun together.  Great memories!  As I face the end celebration tomorrow, I have to be truthful, I can hardly wait to be done.  It's been a long commitment, and anyone else who has homeschooled understands that.  It meant giving up things I wanted to do, so I could dedicate time to my kids, but then again, what I really wanted to do was have great kids, who were outstanding citizens, gifted in each of their God given areas, and hearts that are in love with God, not cause Mom says so, but because they want to love God.  To that end, if you ask me if I'd do it again, I'd say YES and Amen!  God has rewarded my effort, how ever failing and weak at times, with three of most wonderful young adults you can imagine.  God has answered my prayers for each of them, and I know He will continue to meet them as they continue on their journey as young adults.

    Doors open, and doors close, it's all part of life.  Like a good mystery writer, you come to the end of the chapter and he leaves you hanging wanting to know what will happen next, that's a good book!  I'm turning the page to see what will happen next.  Read on!  Live on!  Life is always changing.  Change is hard, but can be good.

Enough is Enough!

       I've been hit by it and I'm sure you have too, the "Not Enough" syndrome.  You know what it is, you've been 'doing' something, and the enemy comes along and says, "You didn't do enough." "It's not good enough."  Then there's people that will side with the enemy and throw it in your face, "You didn't do enough." "You didn't pray enough." "You didn't give enough." "You didn't care enough." "You didn't love enough."

       Enough is Enough!

       When is enough enough?  Who is the judge on when it's enough?  Is there a level of enough?

       Being one who lost a love one to a devastating disease, I know what's it like to be accused of not 'doing enough."  (Although those that accused me hadn't done anything themselves to help.)  When would enough been satisfied?  When I dropped over dead before Todd, from sheer exhaustion and fatigue?  Then would it been enough?  When every penny of our bank account drained, (not that there was much to drain) would that have been enough?  

        I know I'm not alone in these feelings of 'not enough' cause I've heard it from other grieving spouses.   They feel condemned that they didn't do enough, or so they feel, cause their loved one still died. I want to say to them loud and clear; You did not fail, you did everything in the natural and spiritual level, and you did not fail!  

        The accusers of "Not Enough" are siding with the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  The "Not Enough" always wants to take more, it wants to destroy you, it wants to kill you.  But the good news is, God has come to give life, and he's the God that's more than enough, He is El Shaddai.  And you see, that same God lives in me, so I have the "more than enough" inside me.  

        The definition of "Enough" is: adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire. 

        God is the one that's enough for our every need.  He's adequate for our every need, and sufficient for the purpse, and can satisfy our every desire.  Actually He's more than enough, that's what El Shaddai means (one of the redemptive names of God).

         So we know God is 'enough,' but what about us?  Am I enough?  

         Last night Kristi and I went to a Bible Study by John Bevere on "Breaking Intimidation."  It was only the first night, and it was excellent!  I love the quote on the flyer for the class; "Say "NO" without feeling guilty, be secure without the approval of man."  I especially like the 'be secure without the approval of man' part, cause I've fought that insecurity, feeling worthless thing for years, which ties right in with 'you'll never be good enough, you'll never be ____ enough.'  Just fill in the blank, it's there.  

         It's what Kristi said to me on the way home, that shook my inner being. As my sweet wise daughter said to me, "No one is better at what you do, than you Mom."  I immediately started to say, "Oh lots of people do better at what I do than me..." when suddenly I caught what she was saying!  No one on this green earth can do Kelley Grace better than me!!  I'm the only me there is, and who I am and how I live my life is the best that will be of me.  I am enough!  I don't have to try to be like anyone else, cause God didn't make me anyone else, he made me me.  

         I love it when my kids speak volumes into my life. And this 'volume' comes from a girl that is so comfortable in her own skin.  She does not care what others think of her, she is so herself, and I love that about her.   

         It's enough to say, my enough was enough for Todd, cause it's all that I had.  All I did for Todd was enough, cause it's all the enough I had.  I loved and cared for him with every fiber of my being.  I did in the natural and spiritual everything I knew to do, and felt God tell me to do.  If you don't believe that, then I'd say, you weren't around to see it.  My enough was enough, cause I gave all I had.

         Enough is enough!