Treasure in a Cardboard Box

   

    Tonight I was going through the last two boxes that I never unpacked when I moved to this house over two years ago. I had opened them, but had never really gone through them and sorted out the stuff in it. Why I was doing this, I'll explain later.  

         I found a treasure of great price.  Not in monetarily value, but the kind of value that's valuable for my heart.  A note from Todd.  

 

    This is when he could still write a little bit, but you can also see, it wasn't flowing normal.  Somehow this note reminded me of the scripture in Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us," HCSB‬‬

   I felt like he was cheering me on from that great cloud of witnesses, and saying, "Kelley, you have so much in you, you're an awesome person.  Go, Kelley, go!  You can do this!" 

    This is such timely encouragement, as I'm making a major life change, of location and occupation.

    You see, I was sorting through the boxes, cause I'm getting ready to start packing boxes, and moving again.  Not to totally unknown territory, but instead, back to a place that Todd and I both loved a lot, to finish what we started a long time ago.  Though, by now, I'm starting all over again, and this time without him by my side.

     This coming Saturday, Nov 14, 2015 would have been Todd's 55th birthday, the next day, I will become pastor of Alive Christian Fellowship in Kenmare, North Dakota.  Maybe it's a birthday present to him? Fulfilling the call on our lives, which now rests on my shoulders alone.  I think finding this note, was a sweet way of knowing he's cheering me on from above saying, "Kelley you can do this!  You have a lot in you.  You are an awesome person."   

    It's kind of scary venturing out on this adventure on my own.  But then again, I'm not alone, for Jesus has said he'd never leave me nor forsake me.  Recently my four year old grand-daughter said to me, "I'm not scared of my fears." She was referring to her bad dream she had had.  But her statement is profound, and full of wisdom beyond her little four year old mind would know.  I'm agreeing with her, and saying too, "I'm not scared of my fears."   If you're scared to do something, you know God wants you to do, well then just do it scared!  The fears will fade in the face of faith.

     So I am putting my lovely home up for sale, and will begin searching for housing in Kenmare too. Putting on the mantle of pastor, which I have never done alone, and moving away from family and the comforts of familiar.  The Adventures of Todd and Kelley ended when Todd moved to heaven, but the Adventures of Kelley and Jesus are just beginning.   Let the race begin!

    

     

    

The Proposal- From the Adventures of Todd and Kelley

Memories of the 4th of July 34 years ago.

   It was hot on that 4th of July in 1981 as Todd and I were visiting his Mom and Dad on the Ranch in South Dakota.  We'd been spending the summer working at Circle C Ranch volunteering as the cook and Todd was a counselor for the camps and of course always taking care of those horses.  It had been an exhausting summer, but we were young, but even the young get tired when you're burning the candle on both ends and in the middle.  Besides the cooking duties, I also helped with the music at campfires and filled in at the office when needed. Todd and I were looking forward to a couple days off and attending the Mobridge rodeo.

   Growing up my memories of the 4th of July were surrounded by family fun. After the parade in Mandan, we'd go to the river and swim in the pot holes on the sandbar. Come back to the house loaded with sand and sunburns and memories of laughter with my cousins and siblings.  My Mom and the aunts would put on a picnic spread second to none! We'd eat watermelon and burgers till we were stuffed.  This is what family was made of.  We'd end off the day with a few fireworks as our dog ran for cover and hid in a hole behind the old shop.  There was always a few ant hills that found our firecracker explosion demonstration too.  Often my Dad rushed away to put out a prairie fire because of some one's careless fireworks activity.  As Assistant Chief to the Mandan Rural Fire Department, when the siren went off, Dad left, unless of course he was already working at the Refinery.  

     These were not the memories of Todd's childhood.  I think there was the occasional river picnic time, but most often it was another work day but always quiting early to take in the Mobridge Rodeo, a long standing tradition in his family.  So this hot 4th of July was no different.  Todd and his brother Dean and his Dad worked cattle all day, after all, having Todd home for a day or two meant an extra hand available to work.  His sister Georgia finally asked me if I wanted to go down to the river (Lake Oahe which is the Missouri River) with her.  We drove down the old gravel road to a beach location along the lake/river. Georgia came home with a wonderful tan, and I came back looking a little more like a lobster.   I was a little upset with Todd, as he was working, and not taking the 'day off' and spending time with me.  I could not understand why he'd choose work over spending our one day off with me.  

    As evening rolled around, everyone was in a rush to get ready to go to the rodeo.  Todd had worn his only decent pair of jeans all day working cattle, and they were in no condition to make an appearance in public.  So he donned an old pair while I threw his good ones in the washing machine hoping to get them clean in time to see the rodeo.  The rest of the family took off for the rodeo.  As we waited for his jeans to get dry, we sat talking in the downstairs family room, the only cool spot in the house. I have to admit I was pretty upset by then.  He'd spent the whole day working, and now we were gonna be late for the rodeo.  Late! I hate being late for anything!   Although we'd been dating for about six months by then, and had talked about the possibility of getting married even to the point, Todd wanted to go that next weekend and look for a ring, there was nothing official, he had never out and out asked me to marry him.  By this time, I was thinking, this will never work, our lives and background are just too different.  I had every intention of breaking the whole relationship up that night, even though I knew God had spoken to me that Todd was the one for me.  I was very much beginning to doubt that, and was certain God had made a mistake.  So in my frustration and anger, I asked him, "Why do you even want to go pick out a ring?"  To that he replied, "Well, I was wondering if you'd like to marry this ole cowboy?"  To that I replied, "I'll pray about it."

     I sat silently praying for quite sometime, the dryer in the background still running, getting his jeans dry.  I think Todd may have broken out in a sweat about that time, but I'm not sure, it's hard to tell, when it's already hotter than blazes out, and there's no air conditioning in the house.  

     While in prayer, my heart began to soften and I began to remember all the reasons Todd and I were together.  We both had a heart after God, and although our backgrounds were very different, and personalities worlds apart, there was something when we were together, we completed each other.  Maybe with me, Todd would eventually get places on time, instead always late.  Maybe with Todd, I'd learn to not let my emotions take me on a roller coaster, and learn to be a little more even.  Maybe...

     I continued to pray.  It was during that time, the Lord showed me Todd's heart, and how much he did love me.  He was often perplexed as how to actually show it, but he really did love me.  I finally said "Yes, I'll marry you."  

     After that statement, we both just looked at each other and said, "Now what do we do?"  I think we decided maybe we should kiss to seal the deal, which we did.  Then the buzzer on the dryer went off, a stark reminder that the jeans were dry and we'd missed most of the rodeo by then.  

     No romantic proposal, no well thought out plan by Todd, but I said yes anyway.  

    Todd went in and changed jeans, and we got in his old Blue and White GMC pickup and we headed into Mobridge.  Since the rodeo was half over, we headed to the Wheel Restaurant where his sister Georgia was waitressing that night.  We sat in her section so she'd have to wait on us.  We had fun teasing her, and told her we'd missed the rodeo waiting for his jeans to get dry.    After she brought us our food, she asked if there was anything else she could get for us.  I said to her, "Yes, there is one more thing.  I was wondering if you'd be my Maid of Honor at our wedding."  Her reply was something like, "What?! Are you serious?!"  We assured her we were.  She went over to the next table to deliver their water, and accidentally knocked a glass over.  After cleaning up her accident, she came back and again asked us if were were serious.  We said yes, maybe sometime around Christmas.  She said she'd love to be my Maid of Honor, and continued on with her job.  I sure hope we left her a good tip, after upsetting her so much she knocked over the water, if not, Georgia, I owe you. 

    As we drove back to the ranch that night, Todd took me the route through the town of Glenham.  Just outside of Glenham, a big old jackrabbit jumped out in front of the pickup, and we must have chased that rabbit for over a mile, till it finally darted off into the field.  For years, whenever a jackrabbit would jump out in front of our vehicle and we'd chase it down the road till it found it's way off, Todd and I was would look at each other and say, "Remember the night we were engaged, and that rabbit by Glenham." and we'd laugh.

 ---
    It's been sometime since I've chased a rabbit down the road, as I live in town now, and there's no Todd to say, "remember the time..." today, my heart is still sad, my best friend and love is gone.  In the same breath, I'm so glad I said yes, what an adventure we had.  I miss you so much Todd.  

A Fatherless Father's Day

    Todd and the kids four years ago at one of Phil's Football games at VCSU. Must have be shortly after Kadence was born.

 How does one approach Father's Day when there's no more Father to honor.  This is a question I've been pondering.  Personally, my father is still alive, and I get to tell him face to face today how thankful I am for him.  But my own children face a Father's Day with no Father to call.  For Tyson, I would assume, his day will be filled with fun things with his own little ones, and just being a Dad, in the great way that he does.  For Phil and Kristi things are a little different.  I wish I had something from their Dad to give them, some words of advice or encouragement. But Todd wasn't much of a writer.  When he did write something it was always well written, and well thought out, and had usually taken him hours to write.  He said he was always amazed at how quickly I could write something, but he didn't always see the times, I sat struggling trying to come up with something intelligent (not sure that always happens either.)

     I wish I had the answers to all these tough questions.  I wish I had the comfort to extend to my kids and others.  My only thing I can say, is I've watched God be the father to the fatherless, and that is great comfort to me.  

     To my Dad I wish him the Happiest of Father’s Days.  He has always been and will be one awesome Dad.  Love you!  

     To my sisters-in-law and brother-in-law who face today with out their Dad (my Father-in-law) I feel your pain, but still in a different way.  He was my dad by love, not by birth.  I still miss him so much.

     To my children, I can’t say I know your pain of loosing a father, I lost my husband, and that’s a different pain.  I do know your father would be so proud of each of you, and that he loved you each so much.  Know that the real things in life a parent leaves for you are not material possessions, but the things of the heart.  I know he showed you a love for God’s Word, and taught you how to work hard (probably harder than you’ll ever work for anyone else) and how to laugh (how we all loved his laugh).  

    So those with a fatherless Father's Day, know that there is a heavenly Father, who loves you very much, and can still be there to be a father to you.

Shaw family picture in 2013. My Mom and Dad with all their kids, in laws and the two youngest grand kids, and of course Quito my dog. 

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Ambush of grief from a dictionary app

Todd and I in our 'dating years'  

We had "BIG" glasses! 

lackadaisical- adj.

1. without interest, vigor, or determination; listless; lethargic: a lackadaisical attempt.
2. lazy; indolent: a lackadaisical fellow.

     A word came up in my 'Word for the Day' dictionary app, and I was flooded with memories of Todd again.  Who would think that one word in 'Word for the Day' could ambush a person in grief.  The word seems like an unlikely word for an ambush of grief too, cause it doesn't describe Todd at all, but it reminds me of him so much.

   Todd was the first person to introduce me to this word lackadaisical.  We were talking about teachers we had in High School one time, and he was telling me about his English teacher; Miss Frankenstein (seriously, that was her name).  But Todd said she was beautiful and I believe she had been a 'queen' too (like in a Miss South Dakota or something).  He loved to tell me about what a good teacher she was and how she could really teach something so you remembered.

   When the word lackadaisical came up in their vocabulary list, she demonstrated it, but falling on the floor, and laying there lazily with a daisy.  Todd said he never forgot the meaning of the word, and neither did I, even though I was never in that class.  

   Thank you Miss Frankenstein (who later married and became Mrs. Perman) for being a good teacher and not being lackadaisical in your teaching. Todd learned it, and so did I though him.  

    A memory tied in a word, a moment of grieving, none of which was lackadaisical.

Met Mikki (Frankenstein) Perman recently at a Reuer Family Reunion.  She couldn't believe how much Philip and Kristi looked like Todd.