A Grief Thermometer

      When I got home from the last Grief Share Group, I was sitting at the piano singing and playing, and I was thinking about a question I had asked the group.  

    "How does one know when they're through grief?" 

    The general consensus from the group was that you're never really ever through it, as you never forget your loved one, but there comes a point when joy replaces that pain.  One lady described it as, one day you realize your every thought hasn't been on your loved one who's gone.  The pain is replaced with joy.  Someone else shared, it's when both joy and pain can coincide at the same time.  

    As I was playing piano and singing, I had this thought, wouldn't it be great if you could have a grief thermometer.  You just insert it into your heart, and it shows if you still have pain that needs healing, or even better, you're on the road to totally being healed.  But in real life there isn't such a tool.  Kristi mentioned that maybe our thermometer is when we think of them or remember something about them, and there's no longer that pain in our heart.  Maybe  this thermometer  could also detect other things in our heart that need fixing too.

   The Bible puts it this way, "I will turn your mourning into gladness; I will give you comfort and joy instead of sorrow." (Jer. 31:13)

    One thing I've learned as I've walked this road of grief, is everyone grieves differently.  What's grieving for one may not be even be an issue with someone else.  This is true because every loss is different.  Even if I met someone with a similar loss, it still would be different, because they didn't have the relationship Todd and I had together, nor I have their relationship.  But I can certainly understand their pain.  Even though it may differ from mine, I still know the feeling of the pain of loosing someone you love so much.     

    It seems strange to think it's joy that replaces your sorrow and grief.  It's not like you're joyful that your loved one is gone, but there comes a joy in your life, that you know you can go on, even though they're not physically with you any longer.  A strength of knowing God is still with me, even though Todd has moved. 

    We were asked in the Grief Share class, what we've all learned and gained from it.  Several people shared their hearts, and how God was helping them in the journey.  When it came to me, I said I felt going through grief has begun to show me who I am.  Who is Kelley without Todd.  While visiting my sister-in-law Georgia over Easter, she made the comment to me, it was never just Kelley or just Todd, it was always Todd and Kelley, cause we did everything together.  That's what being a partner is all about, that's what marriage is, togetherness.  I've heard it described so many times, and I've said it myself, I feel like I've been ripped in two, and only half of me is left.  Now to find out who that remaining half can be all by itself.   God has had me on a rather unusual path, I've been describing it as a journey.  It's hard to explain, but I know it's working.  This wouldn't be the road to restoration for some people, but it is for me. God always knows what's best for us.   I told a good friend of mine recently, there's a lioness arising within me, and you better get ready cause she's about to roar. (To really understand that you need to read the book Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere)

     Do I still hurt at times?  Oh yes.  Do I still cry?  Yup.  Is my heart healing? Most definitely!  Every teardrop is one drop closer to a completely healed heart.  Someone once told me, that tears are a good washing, but laughter is a good dry cleaning.  I kind of like that.  They both bring a washing and cleansing of our soul.  For a merry heart does good like a medicine.  So don't feel sorry for me if I'm crying, or criticize me if I'm laughing, I'm just cleaning out my heart to make it whole again.

    

Love from Japan

    Sometimes love comes in unexpected ways.  Sometimes love comes from far away places to you.  Sometimes love comes shown from across the ocean.  Sometimes love comes in the form of a young Japanese family, the mom being my 'sister' whom I had not seen since 1986, on her last brief visit after she left our home in 1979.  My little sister Reiko, my Japanese sister via a foreign exchange program.  Reiko came to us in 1978 to study here in America, somehow I believe God placed her in our home back then for that year, but in our hearts forever.  She was only 15 when she came, and to me, she has always been one of the bravest person's alive.  To come to a foreign country, and stay for almost a whole year at such a young age was amazing to me.  She never complained, she never showed that she was homesick, even if she was.  She was here to learn, to experience a different culture and language.

      Several weeks ago, I received an email from her that she and her three children wanted to come and visit for a few days.  I was thrilled, and so was the rest of my family.  Although she said, she'd stay at hotel and take a taxi, I insisted she stay with me and Kristi and I'd take her where ever she wants, as hailing a taxi in Bismarck in not like hailing a taxi in Tokyo.

      The last few days, has just been wonderful, meeting her children, Yoko, Elena (twins) and Jun.    We've been trying to pack as much into a day as possible to let the children experience as much of a North Dakota experience as possible.  We've toured the capital, had lunch on the 18th floor,  visited the gift shop, went to the Shaw farm, Jun got a ride on Grandpa Don's tractor, they threw snow balls and sticks out onto a frozen Harmon Lake, went to the YMCA and played basketball with Philip (who came home briefly to meet them on Wed night), ordered Pizza Hut pizza,  toured Mandan High School and the First Presbyterian Church, visited my Uncle Lewie and Auntie Elsie, went shopping at Kirkwood, and last night we (the whole Shaw family) ate at Kobe's Japanese Restaurant.  Today we'll go to a party at LaRue and Tracie's and tonight they will stay at a hotel to experience an American Hotel with big beds and pool. Of course doing all this while being extremely jet lagged and tired.   For the children, this is the first time, they've seen such wide open spaces as North Dakota has in abundance.  Unfortunately our North Dakota weather did not cooperate in presenting itself in a nice spring fashion, so they got to experience more of our North Dakota winter that seems to never end this year.

     But what really touched my heart, was something Reiko said yesterday while she was being interviewed by the Mandan News.  She was asked why she came back now at this time.  She said several factors, one the children were on 'spring break' which is actually the time in between school years, as their school year runs from April to March every year.  Next she was in between jobs, (She's a bond analysts in the banking world) and in a short break herself.  Then she said, "Kelley's husband, Todd, just died, and she wanted to come to see me, after such a sad event."  That's love in action to me.  To come from the other side of the globe, to say, I love you and care how you're doing after the loss of Todd.  That's wrapping big arms of love around me and my kids in ways I don't think Reiko even realizes  she was doing.  Thank you Reiko you're a very special person and I love you very much!

Mom being silly and finally getting the seaweed into her chopsticks, at Kobe's.  It actually tasted pretty good.

(I'm sorry I had to remove the rest of the pictures, as Reiko was uncomfortable with any pictures of her or her children on line.)

     

Three months of walking this road... Grief

      Todd's been gone for three months today.  But I know he's not really "gone" he just moved.  Moved to his permeant home in heaven.  But he's gone from my natural sight, and my natural world. He's never gone from my heart.  The following is something I wrote a couple nights ago, pondering grief and how it affects us.

    This morning I awoke, thinking of a dear friend, who lost her son a couple months ago, yesterday would have been his birthday.  I saw on FaceBook another friend with a heavy heart over a class mate that is no longer here.  At some point in your life you will be hit with grief.  Depending on how close you had a relationship with the one that has died, will decide how much that grief will affect you.   It has been said that  two people die every second of every day somewhere in the world.  At some point, in your life, one or two of those people will be in your realm of friends and family.  

    In a conversation with my son Tyson about a month ago, he said, "Mom, I thought grief was optional.  Like you could choose to grieve or not to grieve.  I've found out that's not so. You just grieve."   Loosing a Dad is a close relationship, it hits you hard.  

      I know someone out there is saying right now, "You're a believer, you shouldn't be grieving."  I don't grieve as someone who has no hope, I know where Todd is, but the Bible says you still grieve. If you were never meant to grieve why would God say He'd comfort you?

         I still have a human body, this flesh, my earth suit.  It hurts, and has feelings, and is physically affected by grief.  I thought no way would that happen to me.  Oh, silly me...  For several weeks after Todd moved to heaven, my physical heart would race, and my chest would feel so constricted, it felt like the beginning of a heart attack (or so I would imagine it may feel).  I would feel panic in crowds of people, like someone was pushing me into a box and closing off all my air.  I felt exhausted and tired, like I could never get enough sleep (having the flu and high fever right after Todd died was not helping me physically either).  I've thrown up more, for sometimes no particular reason, in the last three months, then ever in my life (except when I was pregnant, then I threw up constantly).  What is all this?  Grief.   Then there's the uncontrolled tears that come at strange times, like in the middle of Taekwondo Class, when I can't figure out what to do, total melt down.  There's times of confusion and muttled thinking and I feel like I'm watching myself, shaking my head wondering, what's wrong with me. I usually have things more together than this.  Grief.

    I read recently something by Elizabeth Elliot, that grief hit her in the grocery store once, and she sobbed uncontrollably for like 20 minutes standing there in the grocery aisle.  After reading that, I thought, I guess I'm ok, those tears will just come, even when we don't expect them.

     No one can walk the road for me, I have to walk through this myself.  I know there's those that are walking beside me.  My kids for sure.  Their grief, though very deep, is still a different grief than mine.  This was their Dad, for me, this was my husband.  Two very painful losses.  

     I guess what I've really learned in the past three months is, it's ok. It's ok to grieve, it's actually healthy, as long as I don't stay here forever, and I keep moving on.  My heart will always love, and always miss Todd, it can't be helped, he was a major part of my life.  Including our time of dating, it's been 33 years he was a part of my everyday thoughts, prayers and life.   How could his move not affect me? Every night his empty pillow is a constant reminder he's not here, his silent clothes still hanging in the closet never to be worn by him again.  (I still haven't been able to deal with removing them yet.)  I did get so far as to move his socks out of the dresser drawer, but when I started to put some of my things in his drawer, I broke down in sobs and decided I can't do that quite yet. May sound stupid I know, but it's a process.  The other thing I learned, is it takes way more time, than I ever dreamed it would.  Don't expect me, or anyone else with a great loss, to be back to 'normal' in a couple of months.  There is no more normal for me.  Everything is starting over.  That can be a good thing, but it isn't in anyway an easy thing.  Daily I'm staring down 'firsts' in my life.  Daily having to learn to do this as 'me' and not as 'we.'  And to be really frank, it's not very fun.  

     Todd and I had always dreamed of growing old together, we had plans of wanting our 75th anniversary announced on "Paul Harvey."  (yah, I know he's not alive anymore, but you know what I mean.)  It's hard now to look at couples that have been married a long time, and not feel a little hurt, cause I'll never have that now.  That's called grieving a loss, that was attached to the loss of my loved one.  There's the grief of knowing my precious little granddaughters will never know their Grandpa Todd.  Kadence has some memory of him now, but she's only two, eventually that will fade from her.  He'll never get to give them horse rides.  

    Grief, it changes you.  When I hear of someone else loosing a loved one, I know the feeling, the sorrow, the hurt.  I want to reach out and fix it for them, but I know I can't any more, than I can fix for myself.  You just keep walking through it.  Learning it's ok to keep living.  It's ok to laugh again.  It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel sad.  It's ok, to go on.  Going on with life, doesn't mean I've forgotten him, it means I love him all the more.  He can no longer come to me, but someday I will be reunited with him. 

    Grief, for me, has been digging in deeper knowing my Lord.  Worshiping with every fiber of my being, knowing in worship, I can touch the realm of heaven, or at least yearn to.   I want to join with the heavenly hosts, and that great crowd of witnesses who have gone on before me, in worship to the one true King.  I want to hear the angels  sing "Holy, holy, holy," as I sing it forth from my lips too. When your other half moves to heaven, heaven becomes so much more real.  Actually it's more real than earth. 

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    People always seem to ask me how I'm doing.  I mostly answer, "I don't know, how am I suppose to be doing?" I guess that's answering a question with a question. For some, like the checker at Walmart, it's just a greeting.  For others, they are concerned and hope I'm ok.  It's an awkward question for me to answer, cause I don't know the answer.  If I go by emotions, that answer can change from minute to minute.  If I go by what God says, there's more stability to that answer, but not all of that is a total revelation yet in my life.  I have moments of sheer panic for my future, then I hear the Lord say to my heart, "I got you covered, it's gonna be ok."  I then have a choice, do I go with the panic, or do I trust the Lord, that He's got me covered, and has a plan for me?  Choices.  Life is full of them every day. What we choose often affects more than just my own life.  It affects everyone around me too.  Sometimes I make good choices, and sometimes, I blow it.  So do you.  We're human, living in this flesh, life is a battle, but we can have victory, but I think it only comes through Jesus.  

    I remember when I was a kid, in gym class, and they would choose up teams, I was always the last pick, and sometimes it was said, "I don't want her on my team."  Athletics has never been 'my thing.'  I knew just as much as all the other kids, those kids that were really good.  I wanted to be on their team, cause then there was a greater chance of winning, even if I wasn't very good. (I carried the name of "statue" all through grade school for my batting ability. I usually only made it to base if I got hit by the ball, and got to walk it.)  But even though I was terrible at athletics, I still wanted to win and be on the winning team.  Thank God, with Jesus, I'm on a winning team.  It may look like I'm loosing at this game of life, but I read the last chapter, and my team wins!  And the good thing about this team, the captain wanted me on His team!  

    

The Dash In Between

     I'm reading a book called "Reflections of a Grieving Spouse" by Norman Wright.  It's been very helpful, although, I've already heard a lot of what he has to say.  But today he said something that I know I've heard before, but it just hit me different.

    He was saying that on a grave stone, there's often the person's birth date and then the date of their death. He said really neither of them are important, what's important is the dash in between.  For the little insignificant dash is how they lived their life, and what had true meaning, it's what their life was all about.  

    His question for journaling at the end of that chapter was "How did your spouse impact others lives? and also "What scripture did your spouse reflect in his life?"

   I'd have to say that the answer to both of them is tied together.  Todd did influence a lot of people, mostly by just loving them.  "The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost." Rom. 5:5.  He never was a great orator, but taught the Word of God well, but he lived it even more.  Todd was always a little bit uncomfortable in front of people, but he loved being one on one with people though, and that's where he shined!  Especially if it was someone he had never met before, he'd zero in on them, and start finding out all about them, and would start to share about Jesus to them. That was Todd.

    He always had a scripture card in his pocket, and was memorizing and meditating on the Word of God.  I have a whole box of them, each one worn, so I know it was used well.  The last 6 years or so, he reverted to using the back of cereal boxes instead of index cards, cause he felt they were a little more sturdy.  

   This past weekend Philip was home, and he pulled out of his pocket, a piece of a cereal box, with a scripture written on the back.  He said he wanted to carry on Todd's torch of hiding God's Word in his heart.  Made me smile ever so much.  

     What does your dash look like? What does my dash look like?  You and I don't have that end date yet, but we're working on the dash in between part.  Let's make that dash have great value and eternal purpose.

     I remember years ago, a man came to visit us while we lived in Steele.  The man had done many things in his life, and was pretty much a work-a-holic.  But when we visited with him, he had just suffered a major heart attack, and it was a miracle that he was alive.  I remember him telling Todd, pay attention to the things that are really important in life.  Your wife, your kids when you have them (this was several years before we had kids), for those things are what really matter.  The job will be gone someday, but they'll still be here, make sure you don't neglect the important things for the urgent.  He then went on to tell us how he had wasted so many years, and how he wished he could have them back.    

     You don't get those days back unfortunately, and we only get to live this life once, so live it well. Make your dash in between be a good one.