Be Real

When life seems crazy and you find yourself needing a good dry cleaning, and you get stuck in the dryer.
Life just needs to get real.

    Yesterday the phrase, "Be Real" was rolling around in my head.  We live in a such an unreal world.  Pictures are photo shopped to look perfect, music recorded is adjusted in the studio to 'sound better.' If you don't believe that, just hear your favorite band live someday.  Videos are edited and the movie industry has all kinds of 'trick' photography. 

   When we get down to life, we're not much different than the rest of the world. People walk around with their masks on pretending that they are so much better than they really are.  Sometimes cause they just don't want to face what they're going through, and sometimes because they don't want anyone else to know that they're hurting.  I think that's when pride enters in.

  It's not that one should walk around with their dirty laundry exposed for everyone to see, but there are times and places you need to just get real.  Quit playing the game, and be real and honest.  Oh human nature doesn't like to be honest, cause then it might show that we're not perfect.  No one is perfect.  (Except Jesus)  The rest of us, are what is called, human, full of faults and failings.  

   But thank God we have Jesus to help us through all those faults and failings.

   I heard on the radio yesterday a young lady, who is a Christian singer, get real. She's made fame with her music in the Christian world, but from what she said on the interview, things were falling apart at home.  She said, her and her husband decided to get real, and begin to share that things weren't going well, they got help.  She didn't share any details, and I don't need to know, but it sounded though things might not be perfect, they're on the road to recovery.  She said since they've opened up other couples have come to them, confessing that they're falling apart at home too.  Being real, has allowed her and her husband to help others get real, and get help. Christianity is not the great cover-up but the great unveiling.  It's when God starts pulling back the layers in our life, to expose those things that need correction.  It's the unfolding of His grace.  Taking what is awful and making it into something beautiful.  God has a way of doing that.

    Just like when you peel an onion pulling back those layers can cause tears.  Tears can wash though.  In Grief Share, I learned the phrase, "Tears give you a good washing, and laughter a good dry cleaning."  We need them both.  There are just some areas that crying over it won't help any more, so you might as well laugh.

   Some time ago, Kristi (my daughter) and I were talking, and she said, "Mom, I can't write like you."  I was like, "What?"  For I think Kristi's writing ability has far succeeded mine.  (If you haven't read what she's written you need to check out her postings on: www.fanfiction.net and search under writer as: lotrlover16. Her stories all called "The L and L Adventures.")  She said, "Mom, I can't bear my heart for the whole world to see, like you do."  I had to stop and think, is that what I do?  I've been accused by some, of being too open, by another of writing because I'm trying to ease my guilty conscience.  

     Well, I don't have a guilty conscience, and maybe I'm a little too open, but I kind of feel, if I've walked a road of pain and suffering (of a sort) then maybe what I've gone through, can help someone else.  The key word there is gone "through."   I'm not stopping in my pain and grief, I'm going on.  In one of the most familiar verses in the Bible, Psalms 23 is says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me."   I'm going through, I'm not stopping and setting up a tent in the valley of death.  

     Being real:  There were days I didn't think I'd get through.  I thought I'd die with Todd.  There were times, I thought I'd die before him of sheer exhaustion from the constant care of him.  I saw no hope, I saw no ray of sunshine.  I know what it is to be rock bottom.  But when I hit the bottom, I found there was the Rock, and the rock's name was Jesus.  Oh, I knew Him before, but I know Him in a whole new way now.   Am I perfect?  Oh, no!  (Did you just hear the roar of laughter?  I'm picking myself up off the floor from laughing at the thought of being 'perfect.')  But I am a little bit stronger now.  I think it's like weight lifting (not that I've ever done that) the weights are heavy, and your muscles get sore and tired, but the end result is you get stronger.  I believe your muscles even 'break down' in the process, and have to be 'rebuilt.' It's a new strength you didn't have before going through all the pain of lifting.

     I haven't arrived, but I am going through.  I'm so glad He's with me every step of the way.

     Today marks 16 months since Todd moved to heaven.  It's another one of those 'landmarks' days.  In some ways it doesn't seem that long, in others it seems even longer, funny how time is like that.  In the past 16 months, this scripture from The Message translation has been an anchor in my soul.   "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG  

Tonight I Danced With You

Fiddlin' Johnny and Frog Holler String Band

When I came home from the concert tonight I wrote the following:

Tonight I Danced

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

We polkaed and waltzed across a clouded floor

We soared with the music

And then you faded

Back into my memories. 

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I heard your laughter and your sweet embrace

You twirled me around

Just like you use to do

Back in my memories.

Tonight I danced with you, though I never left my seat

I wanted it to last all night

But I opened my eyes

And you were gone

Back in my memories.

+++++++++++++++++++++

    Tonight I went to a free concert at the Heritage Center, Fiddlin' Johnny and the Frog Holler String Band played. If you've never heard Fiddlin' Johnny then you really have missed hearing a fine musician.  There was the Fiddle pieces, there was Polkas, Waltzes, and Blues and Jazz.  A couple of the pieces the Frog Holler String Band had Johnny play on the spot, he never had played them before, and I never heard a missed note, but I guess that's what happens when you have your masters in music.

    Somewhere in the middle of the polka number, I closed my eyes, and in my mind's eye I was dancing with Todd.  Occasionally we danced, like around the kitchen when a good song came on the radio, or on those wedding dance occasions we sometimes kicked up our heels and did a polka or a waltz together.  Neither one of us were very good, but we'd laugh and dance anyway. But tonight it was only in my memories, but I still saw him there.  He would have loved the concert tonight, cause he loved fiddle music as much as me.  

    When I first started playing fiddle after I turned 40, Todd wanted me to play the Orange Blossom Special so bad.  I don't think he understood I was struggling to play Twinkle Twinkle, and the Orange Blossom Special is not exactly an easy piece to play.  My Violin instructor found me a beginners version of the song, and I worked like crazy to learn it, and did manage to master it enough to play it at recital.  Believe me, I've never gotten to the level of playing that's enjoyable to the listener, just ask my dog, he howls when I play (no joking).  

    Todd was so proud of me for learning the piece and I wanted to play it mostly for him. He loved it.  

   Tonight I just sat and listened.  Life has been just a little bit stressful for me lately, like I'm sure it is for lots of other people.  I feel pressures coming in from all sides, and it's suffocating at times, so tonight, I just took a break from all the pressures and just sat and listened to a fine fiddler, and let the music wash over me, and chase the stress away, if but for a moment.  

    Music has a way of doing that.  I thank God so much, that music lives on the inside of me, and I have a little talent in that area.  I know there's a whole lot of people better than me, and that's ok, but I just enjoy doing what I can do, and hope it blesses those who hear.

     But tonight I'm thankful to just to be able to listen to another who's a master at what he does. Even in a fiddle tune or a polka, God can minister to your heart and bring back some joy, where pain has resided.

  

Angels came to meet with Her

Back in 2011 Long time friends; R-L
Todd & Kelley Reuer, Tina Isaguire, Marilyn and Rich Apfel, Jun Isaguire, Ann Rowe

   Today, Thurs. March 5, one of the most precious woman of God I've ever known met her Savior face to face.  Marilyn Apfel is now safe in the arms of Jesus.

   On Sunday night (March 1) I was sitting at my piano worshipping the Lord.  I began to just play (I'm not all that good, but I love to play) and while I was just playing, I suddenly thought of Marilyn, and somehow I felt I was in her room where she was laying in Minnesota and I saw angels all around her and they were singing to my playing.  I didn't really 'hear' anything, but I just knew they were singing, and had been sent by God to her bedside, and to 'usher' her home when she was ready to go.  

  I don't think my piano playing was all that beautiful, but what I heard in my heart was the most beautiful music ever.  

  There's a scripture that says the Lord sings over us, and I've always wondered how that song goes, and what it sounds like.  What's the song over my life that the Lord sings?  I know the song over Marilyn was beautiful.  Her life was beautiful.

   In the last year before Todd went into a nursing home, he refused to sleep.  I would try everything to get him to bed.  It was a battle every night.  The one thing that worked better than anything else, was I promised him I'd read to him the book about Marilyn Apfel called "They called her Mom," (available on Amazon Kindle).  He loved hearing the story of her life.  I'd often say to him, "And we know her!  Isn't this amazing!"  He liked the story, and sometimes would fall asleep while I was reading (at least for a little while.)  I think I read the book to him aloud three times, just a few pages at a time.  Every time through I was amazed at how God worked in her life and Rich's life.  

   I think back to another time a few years ago, I was on the phone talking to Marilyn.  Todd had just lost his job, and was no longer able to work, my house was packed up ready to move, but I didn't know where to go or what to do.  Life was so confusing and hard.  That's when Marilyn called to encourage me.  She said words of encouragement to me that were probably the kindest words anyone has ever said to me.  She believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  

   Around that time we actually went to Minneapolis and met  Rich and Marilyn at a restaurant. Later in the car in the parking lot,  Marilyn spent quite a bit of time praying for us.  I know God is still answering those prayers.  I remember her praying for me, and saying "You're backed against a wall, but God is going to open a door for you.  Find the door and open it."

    So today my heart is somewhat sad to know she won't be around to talk to again, but I rejoice at the same time to be able to say that I have known such a wonderful woman as Marilyn Apfel. 

   She fought long and hard as cancer ravaged her body, but today there's no more pain or suffering.

   My heart goes out to Rich and the kids; Jamie and Lisa and grand kids.  May God give you great comfort as you begin to walk this road without Marilyn by your side.  He IS the God of all comfort and He WILL walk with you every step of the way.

    I'm thinking maybe Todd was there to greet Marilyn too. 

Marilyn and Rich Apfel

The Journey

The following is a story I wrote based on a dream I had a few nights ago.  I expanded and elaborated the dream, but this is pretty much what the dream was.

The Journey  

 

   "Climb aboard my angel," he said with his cowboy grin. 

    He opened the door of his old blue and white GMC pickup for me, and I slid over on the seat so I could be seated right next to him as he took his place behind the wheel.  He reached for the key and started the engine.  He looked over at me and said, "Feel the power!"

    I burst out laughing at our inside joke.  This old pickup was anything but powerful, but it was noisy with that missing muffler.  

    "You really need to get that thing fixed you know," I said, "but when you do, I won't know when you're coming anymore."

    "You'll always know where I'm at, Angel, cause you're riding with me from now on, right beside me, my pard, my co-pilot. Together we're going places."

    "So just where are we going, Cowboy?" I responded. 

    "Oh, just down the road a piece," he replied with that ear to ear smile.

    "Down the road a piece, now that's really telling me a lot, come on, don't you know where we're going?"

    He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a fresh new road map and handed it to me.  "Here, take this, this should help. This is something the Lord gave me when he talked to me about marrying you.  He gave me this map, and told me you'd help me follow it.  I'm not sure which roads to take, but our destination is on there.  It's now part of your job, to help us find the right roads to take to get us there.  I guess you could say you are now the 'Reader of the Map', the one to see, by means of the map, where we're headed, and where we've been."

    I took at the map, and smiled. I love maps!  My whole life I have loved looking at maps and seeing how roads connect this way and that, and finding routes to new places I've never been to.  I opened the map with anticipation to see where our journey would take us.  To my surprise, this map wasn't like any other I had studied before.  There was little map, but many words.  I looked up at him with a quizzical look.

    "I don't get it?  I've never seen a map like this before.  There's nothing to read, except all these words. What is this?"

    "True, this is not like other maps you've seen and read.  This one, only has the picture of where we've been, but words to guide us to where we're going.  This is not an easy journey, and will take much time with the map maker and his words to get on the right road."

    It was then I understood, these were the words of the Lord, there to guide us down this new journey we were taking.  For now all that was on the map was the places we'd been since we'd met, and now married.  There was this little blue line that showed every where we'd been.  It crisscrossed across Montana, North and South Dakota and even journeyed briefly into Canada where we took our honeymoon.

   As we drove, the map would appear, and mark our journey with that blue line.  The other roads we could have taken also appeared.  This was so strange, but so cool!  

    "I'll cherish this for sure!!  I said holding onto the map as if it was a pile of sparkling diamonds and bars of gold.  

    "This is one of the most incredible things I've ever had."

    Year after year we both studied the map, checking to see if we were on the right journey.  Sometimes I didn't understand it, and we'd sit and talk and pray for hours discussing what we felt the map was saying to us. Occasionally we changed the vehicle we were driving.  We went to a more economical car, and years later a van and SUV, but the map went with us every time we got in.  We even took it with us when we boarded a plane and flew half way around the world, and sang and preached about our map maker to people we'd never met before.  That made our map expand greatly, and it was so fun to watch it grow. Our world was growing larger. We often talked about the grand adventure we were on together.

    There was a sad time in our journey, and it makes me cry every time I look at the map and see that blue line and where it went.  It's when my Cowboy took the map and threw it and said he was tired of following that old thing, and wanted to do what he wanted to do.  I wept and cried and pleaded with him, but he took the map and hid it from me.  It took me sometime, but I eventually found where he had hidden the map, by then our journey had taken many of bad turns, but it was still recorded on the map. 

   

    "Get in," he said, the smile gone from his face. 

     "Where are we going now?"

     "You'll see."

     His words to me were so few these days, his smiling face had faded to an empty stare.  

    "Do you want me to drive?" I dared ask. He'd never let me drive, for I was the reader of the map, not the driver.

    "Not now," he wearily replied, "maybe later."

    Later?  I pondered.  What does he mean?  Would he really let me drive us somewhere?  

     The road he took was not a familiar one to me, and it was long and rough.  I so wanted to stop and rest, and get refreshed by a good nights sleep, but he drove on and on.

     I turned to our tattered map, and studied for some words to help decipher where we were going and which roads to take that might be better than the one we were on.  The words were blurred and hard to read, a result of the time it was hidden away.   

    The vehicle jolted, and I looked up.  Where was he taking us?!  There was no longer a road, and hardly a trail.  We bumped along this trail for a long time.  Occasionally I would say, "Watch out for that hole or rock." Sometimes it was soon enough for him to avoid, but eventually it was like it didn't matter, he hit them anyway.   I was feeling beat up and oh so weary and confused.  This part of the journey didn't make any sense.

   "Do you really know where we're going?" I asked out of sheer frustration.  

    There was no answer, just a blank stare as he drove on and on down this rough rough pasture or field, it seemed to go no where, there was no road or path now showing us where to go.

   In the distance, I saw this shabby looking building.  It looked scary beyond words, I didn't not want to go there.  I looked to my map, and the words were more blurry then they had ever been before.  Maybe it was just the fatigue, and weariness, but I couldn't hardly focus.  This had been the worst part of our journey, and the longest.  There had been no happy joyous times on this trip.  This was not like any we had taken before.  I so hoped for a fairy tale ending, and things would be just beautiful when this journey ended, and we'd get out of the vehicle at some wonderful place,  but what I saw coming  up ahead was anything but that.

   I felt the vehicle come to a stop.  

   I looked out the windshield at the scariest place I had ever seen in my life!  

   "Get out," he said, with no emotion what so ever.

   With much trepidation I got out of the vehicle, and looked around, I did not like this place at all.  It had the feeling of being empty and alone, scared and vulnerable to what ever this place held.

   Without a word, I watched my Cowboy get back in the vehicle quickly, this time without me, and he drove away.  I was screaming, running after him, saying, "No! Don't leave me here!"  I reached for my cell phone, and saw I had no service, and it was not working again. I hit the the iPhone screen screaming, I need to talk to him one more time, he needs me to help him read the map!  I was sobbing beyond words.  I felt my heart had been torn out of me.  How? Why would he just leave me here in this lonely barren place?  He'd never gone anywhere before without me by his side.  Even in the dark days when he hid the map, I was still with him.  Even down this last bumpy horrible journey, I was still there beside him.  

    Alone, I felt utterly alone.  There was no one there with me, just this dark awful place, that was so scary.  My tears were making little mud puddles around me on the ground.  I don't know how long I knelt there and wept, exhaustion took over and I cried myself to sleep.  I awoke, and it was dark and cold, my face mud stained from the tears and the dirt all around me.  The barrenness of the place sent shivers up my spine.  I walked over to the shabby building and crouched down next to its wall, too afraid to open the door and go inside, and  just wept and wept.

   The sun was just coming up when I awoke again.  It's a new day.  I should be rejoicing.  But he was gone, and I was all alone and didn't know what to do or where to go.  It was then that I saw it laying in the dirt where I had cried myself to sleep the day before.  The map.  I went over and stooped down to pick it up, and wiped the mud and dirt off of it's tattered paper.  

    It suddenly looked new, it's old blue lines were almost gone, just faint reminders of where we had been together.  The words were coming clearer and seemed to be sparkling.  I rubbed my eyes, I must be seeing things, it had never looked like this before.  There seemed to be light shining from its very pages.  It was then I realized the light wasn't coming from just the map, it was all around me.  I looked up and saw the most beautiful man in a shimmering robe.  It was like his clothing was light, I don't know how to explain it, how can light be also a garment?  He reached out his hand to me.  I took his nail pierced hand and he helped me to stand up.  I felt engulfed in his light, and it was such a wonderful feeling.  His light seemed to penetrate through me giving strength to my weary exhausted body.

   His words were kind and gentle when he spoke, and said, "Get in, we have a new journey to take, and I need you to be the reader of the map, for where we will go together."

    

   I awoke with a start, the room still dark, I glanced up to the clock it was four a.m.  It was only a dream?  I rolled over in bed, and through the dim moonlight from the window, I saw his empty pillow.  It really wasn't a dream, this was reality.  I saw my Bible laying open on the bed beside me, and I reached for the light and turned it on.  I sat up and pickup it up and began to read, those words so familiar and true, "Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up in. He paid with Christ’s sacred blood, you know. He died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb. And this was no afterthought. Even though it has only lately—at the end of the ages—become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you. It’s because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God." (‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭18-21‬ MSG)

    My journey hadn't ended, it was only beginning.