Painful Reminders

   

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but we all know, no one looks at my blog without some kind of picture.  

Just saw on Facebook, a 'friend' is celebrating their 34th Anniversary, and another friend was celebrating that it was 40 years ago today that he proposed to his wife, and she said yes.  Though I rejoice with both of these friends, and celebrate their long marriages, it also comes as a painful reminder, that I don't get another anniversary, or proposal celebration.  For me, the anniversaries stopped 10 days short of 32 years, and likewise the proposal celebrations (4th of July for me).  How does one, as a widow, celebrate with my friends, yet, work through the pain in my own heart, knowing there is no more for me?  Only by the grace of God.  Each day is reminder of how I have to face it alone, without my cowboy by my side.  

    How do I make it though another major 'move' in my life, but this time without Todd?  How to I embrace this new start, knowing that it's truly is a new day, but that new day means I'm alone?   When others get to move on in life with their loved one by their side, I get to move on with only a memory.  It's these times that I run to my Father God, and cling to Him for comfort that only can give.  I know that sounds real cheesy, and 'religiously spiritual' (if that's a thing) but it's all the same true.   

   Yes, I know there are those in this world, who have chosen to be single, and enjoy it.  There are others who are single, cause they just never found their special one.  There are others who are single because they couldn't bear the pain and abuse of being together anymore.  There are those of us who are single and alone, who by no fault of our own, have found ourselves in this spot. It's just what life handed us, and we have to learn to live with it, or more correctly live without them.

    I just sometimes wonder of my happy friends who are celebrating, do they really know what they have, are they holding it precious and dear?  Are they taking advantage of their loved one, not in a mean way, but just in a familiar way?  Knowing they're always there for them?  Do they really realize how short and precious life is?  I know other widows and widowers who have come to this same realization as me, and know the heart renching pain of loosing the love of your life, and wish they could have one more day, one more talk with them.  

    Recently I ran into an old friend here in Kenmare.  Yes, old in age, and in time knowing. We went on a mission trip to Mexico together. Him and his wife and Todd and I and our boys and another couple from Kenmare, along with our missionary friends.  My old friend just lost his wife last summer.  I could see the pain of loss in his eyes.  After visiting with him, my first thought was, "Oh I can't wait to tell Todd I ran into him."  Then I realized, I can't tell Todd, cause he's not here.  I mentioned this to my daughter and made the comment, "I wonder how long I will have those thoughts?  Every time I run into someone Todd and I knew together, I think I can't wait to tell Todd." Kristi's wise reply, was "Probably will happen for a long time Mom, cause you had 32 years of always telling Dad everything."   I do believe she's right.  Those old habits are hard to break.  Communication was one of our strengths, till his ability to communicate was lost.  But that didn't mean I didn't keep trying.  I still talked to him and told him things just like I always had, hoping he could understand, wishing he could communicate back with me. 

       I guess I have no great words of wisdom, nor great comfort for those grieving too.  Life sometimes is just hard, but on the flip side, God is good, and I know He's not through with me yet.  There will be better days ahead, although they won't be lived with Todd by my side.  There will be new adventures to live, but I'll share them alone.  The Lord, has truly become my constant companion, a husband to the widow.   He is one I can always talk to, and he does bring comfort.  

      My dog is noisily snoring in the corner of my camper, the aroma of wet dog still lingering on his fur following his 'bath' today. (By the way don't say 'bath' in front of Quito, it causes him to run away.  I've taken to spelling it, so he won't know what I'm planning.  He's smart, but he doesn't know how to spell thankfully.)  He's reminding me it's late, and I should go to bed, for tomorrow is another day. 

     Blessings to your day!