Piled in the Basement

   

 I made a quick trip down to the basement, to put something back in it's storage place when I saw it all sitting there.  A wheel chair, two walkers, a stair stepping cane, toliet seat riser, and a bed rail.  It was only a couple a months ago, and these were all part of my daily life.  How far I've come, but how scary to see them again, and remember how bad off I was.  Unless you've come through something like I've been through, you just can't understand what it feels like to remember those things.  Yes, I'm rejoicing how well I'm doing now, but I know the pain and work it's taken to get here.  You just see the progress,  I still remember and feel the pain.  The pain of even trying to get out of bed, and pain shooting through my body, as I tried to move, my legs unwilling to go where my brain was telling them to go.  Move!  no response.  Move!  Still no response.  I'd push with my arms and hands, which caused more pain from the blister caused by an IV gone bad.  Move!  Shooting pain in my back, for trying to compensate for the lack of strength in my legs and hips.    This was brain surgery, why then aren't my legs working?  I didn't understand and still don't.   All I felt was pain and frustration.  Nurses and workers and family telling me to cooperate, but I was trying, but my body wasn't responding in the way I wanted it too.

    Yes, I know, I've been out of shape most of my life.  Never been the athletic type, and exercise seems like a disease I didn't want to have.  But now...  I had no choice but to work through painful sessions of physical therapy, while the PT cheered me on for shuffling a couple of feet down a hall way.  I looked like an old man with a runway swagger.  Barely being able to lift my feet more than an half an inch.  They set up 'hurdles' for me to cross.  One inch PVC pipes laid about a foot a part.  I knocked everyone of them out of place, not being able to lift my foot high enough to clear them.  I was humiliated, but determined to do better next time.

      If you would have been in the basement with me, you would have just seen the now unused equipment, but I saw something so much deeper than that.