"Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife..."

    "Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife." I've been saying that one a lot the last few days, since I didn't meet all the staff at the Tioga Nursing Home, I always feel the need to make sure they know who they're talking to.  It's always nice when I'm talking to one of the staff member I remember meeting, so there's a face with the voice.  

     Today I got to thinking about that phrase a little bit deeper.  Often when meeting someone we identify ourselves by what we do, or who we're related to.  Such as, "Hi, I'm Bob, I work in Marketing, etc..."  "Hi, I'm Kathy, Matt's mom..."  you get the picture.  We're giving the person we're meeting a common ground, some place to start this relationship or conversation.  But is it more than that?  Yes, it can be.  Men (and women too) often find their identity in what they do for a living.  Their job often gives them value. But is that who they really are?  No, they're more than a job title.

  There's a song that's very popular right now on the Christian Charts. "Hello My Name Is"  It's a great song with a great message.  Basically, saying you're not a looser, or other things you've been labeled, you're a child of the One True King. 

   But back to my thought.  I'm identifying who I am as Todd's wife.  Not his 'live in', not his 'significant other,'  I'm his wife.  I made a committment (so did he) at that altar on a very cold January day back in 1982.  That's why they're called "Vows".  Have we ever been tempted to break it?  Oh, I'm sure we can both say, yes, a time or two, we wanted to throw in the towel, call it quits, it was too hard to work things through. (Believe me, Todd's and my personalities are about as opposite as they can be.)  But we made a promise, a committement to each other, and neither of us took it lightly.  It's something that so few people get these days.  It's not, well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce.  Not an option folks.  Not here in this house.  There's a sign that's been hanging on our bed (we have a log bed, so yes, it actually hangs on our bed) since we first married that says, "Choose you this day, whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord."  Every day is a Choice.  Somedays the choice is harder than others, but it's still a choice.

    I chose to love Todd and stayed through those hard years, and I still choose today.  I told Tyson once, that my loyalty goes deeper than my love, but I'm finding out in that loyalty is a love so deep that you can't divide it from the loyalty.  

    When you're man and wife you really are one.  I've found it interesting, that over the last month and half with him in the hospital and now the nursing home, I often wake up in the middle of the night for no reason.  I often pray.  Then when checking with staff the next day, when I woke up was when Todd was up.    There's more to being one with someone than sex.  It's two hearts beating in separate chests but as one.  It's wanting to meet the other ones needs before your own.  It's laying down your life, your dreams, your wants, to see them succeed.  It's working as a team, or as Todd would always say "Pards." (slang for partners for those uncowboy lingo people out there.)  It's learning to "cleave" as the Bible calls it.  "For a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife."  Too many don't leave, and they never learn to cleave either.

      Last night I was missing Todd so much and the tears were coming again, I told Kristi, for over 31 years (will be 32 in January)  I've never been apart from him.  Oh, we've both taken maybe a week trip somewhere (me more than him) but we always knew we were coming back.  But this is so different, and I'm having a very hard time adjusting.  Everywhere I look in our house, I see Todd.  I so want him here still with me, sharing moments together.  Rejoicing hopefully today that a new grandchild is born. (Sarah's in labor at the time of this writing).  It's hard to crawl into bed every night knowing the other pillow is empty, there's no one there to scratch my back,  no one there to hug and kiss good night.  No one to pray with when I'm hurting.  Yes, I know there's people praying for me, and at times with me, but none like Todd.  He was my best prayer partner ever.  No one has ever known my heart like him.  

     I did finally get to talk to Todd today. Every time I've called to check on him, he's been sleeping (except one time he was walking the halls with one of the CNA's).  It's very hard to talk to him, as he doesn't respond much, but he did try to say a few words, not that much of it made sense.  I told him about Sarah who's in labor ready to have the baby, about the new house Tyson and Sarah found and get to move to soon, about Phil's new place he's living, and about Qutio getting sick again, and Kristi being in a parade.  I told him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  I told him Kristi, Quito and I are going to come see him this weekend. Although he doesn't respond much, and I can't see his facial expressions over a phone line, I hope he's still hearing in his heart what I'm saying.  (The nurse said he was having a better day today.)

     Todd would always say he was proud to have me as his wife, I was his favorite singer, and the best 'cooker' around. (a way to a man's heart is through his stomach you know)  When he asked me 32 years ago, on that hot 4th of July day "If maybe I'd want to marry this old cowboy."  I'm still glad I said yes.   

   I'm Kelley, Todd's wife.       

Todd's address in Tioga

The picture below was one of the days we went for a walk outside in the patio area.  

A couple of people have asked me for Todd's address up in Tioga.  This is the address that is posted at the nursing home for mail to come to the residents.
Todd can't read much anymore, but I'm sure one of the staff members there would read to him.

 Todd is pretty none verbal right now, most of his replies are "yup, or yes", and what he does try to say doesn't make much sense.  Telephone calls are allowed and they will bring a phone to him and put it to his ear, but it's quite difficult for him to have conversation. Requesting information about Todd from the staff is NOT allowed so don't ask them. Don't make them feel uncomfortable having to tell you that you're not authorized to receive information.  

An Incrediably hard day for me Sept 20 update

    Last night as I went to bed, I heard the first couple lines of this poem that follows rolling around in my head.  Folks, I don't know how to do this.  There's nothing I've ever been through or learned before that could prepare me for this.  To have to leave Todd today at the nursing home, and drive home, about did me in.  I stood there sobbing next to him while he slept in a recliner, and one of the CNA's came over and put her arms around me and just let me cry on her shoulder.  (she's one of the cute Spanish speaking gals there, although her English is flawless.)  I handed her a piece a paper with this poem on it, that I wrote for Todd, and asked if someone could please read it to him when he wakes up.  I doubt he'll understand it, but I still wanted it read to him.  I had planned on reading it to him myself, but he didn't wake up while I was there, and I needed to get on the road before it was too late.  

     They had told me that he was so unstable this morning, they had to bring him to breakfast in a wheel chair. My heart broke some more.  He slept through lunch.  I called the nursing home tonight and they said, he ate very little at supper and went to bed early again, and was sleeping.  They said he's been talking in his sleep a lot and very loudly.  At first they couldn't figure out who was talking so loud, and then realized it was Todd.  They said his hands were moving and gesturing like he was talking, but it didn't make any sense.  I told them Todd has always talked in his sleep and sometimes has said the funniest things, he once carried on a lengthy phone conversation with someone, and he was totally asleep.

     I made it home by about 5:30 exhausted.  Kristi and I ate some supper, she mowed the lawn, I picked the tomatoes in the garden then took Quito for a walk around the neighborhood.  Everyday things seem so strange to be doing, I felt like I've been through some kind of unreal-world time warp, and I know it's not over.

   Tomorrow Kristi will be the Autumnfest Parade here in Bismarck.  This year she in the front row of the Century Patriot Band. So look for that cute flute  player in the middle.  

  Below is the poem I wrote for Todd last night.

Keeping You in My Heart

How do I live this life apart

I don't know where to start

It's tearing up my heart

You've always been by my side

Our love we did not hide

I thought we always would abide.

But it's more than I can take

I wish that I could make

This life better for your sake.

I'm doing all that I can do

To show you I love you 

Please love me back too.

So in Him I must be strong

To trust you in His arms belong

And worship Him with my song.

So while we are apart

From His love we will not depart

I keep you in my heart.

"May The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent from each other."

Life in a nursing home- Sept 19

   So far the staff at Tioga Nursing Home has been wonderful.  There's staff here from all over the US and the world actually.  It's amazing to find diversification like this in North Dakota, but then again this is the oil field.

    The last few days Todd has been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.  I think his body is trying to make up for 5 horrendous weeks in the hospital not sleeping, compounded upon the months and months at home he was not sleeping. His walking is unsteady, and needs assistance, (not a walker, just a person supporting him sometimes) but I also think this is from the sleep deprivation. I've asked the nurse if they've changed any meds since being here, and they said, actually they aren't even giving him some that the Psych Ward kept giving him to calm him down.  I'm so thankful that this nursing home has a no restraint policy, which means they won't physically restrain him in any way, nor will they with any drugs.  They want people to live the best. I'm so thankful!!  

   He is still on the seizure medication, and I think a sleep aid, but I don't think they've had to give  him the sleep aide a couple nights cause he's been sleeping on his own.

  Some of the other residents think I work there, and keep asking me for things, which I have no idea where or what they're wanting.  Many of them have asked me what's wrong with Todd.  I just tell him he had a head injury, and they seem to understand then.  

   This is not a lock facility as some are, but they have Todd on a Wander Guard.  It looks kind of like a watch band. If Todd gets near a door it locks or if he goes through an open door an alarm will sound.  They also put a bed alarm on his bed, as he fell early Tuesday morning getting out of bed. This way they know if he tries to get up on his own. (he fell again last night, but they said it was more like he just rolled out of bed, so they now have a padded mat beside his bed)

   

   Finally met his roommate James yesterday.  He just had his 90th birthday on Monday.  He said his eyesight is pretty bad.  When I told him that Todd's middle name was James, he smiled, and I said we also had a son with a middle name James.  He seemed to like that.     

 

  It's an interesting experience for me to be here in a nursing home, with Todd.  I've always been afraid of nursing homes, which is kind of weird since Todd and I have ministered in several nursing homes through out the years.  Kristi and I have even gone several times and performed for the nursing home in Napoleon, singing and playing our flutes.  We'd both laugh at ourselves, cause we were so out of our comfort zone.  Now I'm in a totally different position, as my other half is living here.  I suddenly see nursing homes from a totally different view.

   Tonight a group came in and played music. Old country tunes and polkas and waltzs.  I ended up singing with them, although I didn't know one song, but I can harmonize with anything and if you give me the words.  They even pulled me out on the dance floor and got me to dance, oh my! someone has got to teach me how to two step. I'm a complete klutz! 

   We have run into a little snag with Todd, in that he's gained so much weight in the hospital his jeans no longer fit!  He has weighed the same since high school never gaining a pound, until his time at the hospital.  We literally can not get his pants buttoned.  He's eating like crazy, grabbing at any food he finds plus the meals provided.  Several residents have commented on how much he eats.  Yup, Todd has always been able to put away the food.  I told him he was starting to look pudgy like me.(although not as pudgy as me) Now I need to get him bigger jeans.  Never thought I'd ever see that on Todd.

(just trying to get him to smile)

   Tomorrow morning I leave to go home.  Leaving him here will be really hard for me. I know he's in good hands, but just having him so far away is tearing me apart.  Having to learn the meaning of "Trusting the Lord" in a very hard way.

     On another family note, we're still waiting for that grandbaby to be born.  Praying lots for Sarah and baby. Hopefully very soon! She's 6 days over her due date.