"Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife." I've been saying that one a lot the last few days, since I didn't meet all the staff at the Tioga Nursing Home, I always feel the need to make sure they know who they're talking to. It's always nice when I'm talking to one of the staff member I remember meeting, so there's a face with the voice.
Today I got to thinking about that phrase a little bit deeper. Often when meeting someone we identify ourselves by what we do, or who we're related to. Such as, "Hi, I'm Bob, I work in Marketing, etc..." "Hi, I'm Kathy, Matt's mom..." you get the picture. We're giving the person we're meeting a common ground, some place to start this relationship or conversation. But is it more than that? Yes, it can be. Men (and women too) often find their identity in what they do for a living. Their job often gives them value. But is that who they really are? No, they're more than a job title.
There's a song that's very popular right now on the Christian Charts. "Hello My Name Is" It's a great song with a great message. Basically, saying you're not a looser, or other things you've been labeled, you're a child of the One True King.
But back to my thought. I'm identifying who I am as Todd's wife. Not his 'live in', not his 'significant other,' I'm his wife. I made a committment (so did he) at that altar on a very cold January day back in 1982. That's why they're called "Vows". Have we ever been tempted to break it? Oh, I'm sure we can both say, yes, a time or two, we wanted to throw in the towel, call it quits, it was too hard to work things through. (Believe me, Todd's and my personalities are about as opposite as they can be.) But we made a promise, a committement to each other, and neither of us took it lightly. It's something that so few people get these days. It's not, well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce. Not an option folks. Not here in this house. There's a sign that's been hanging on our bed (we have a log bed, so yes, it actually hangs on our bed) since we first married that says, "Choose you this day, whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord." Every day is a Choice. Somedays the choice is harder than others, but it's still a choice.
I chose to love Todd and stayed through those hard years, and I still choose today. I told Tyson once, that my loyalty goes deeper than my love, but I'm finding out in that loyalty is a love so deep that you can't divide it from the loyalty.
When you're man and wife you really are one. I've found it interesting, that over the last month and half with him in the hospital and now the nursing home, I often wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. I often pray. Then when checking with staff the next day, when I woke up was when Todd was up. There's more to being one with someone than sex. It's two hearts beating in separate chests but as one. It's wanting to meet the other ones needs before your own. It's laying down your life, your dreams, your wants, to see them succeed. It's working as a team, or as Todd would always say "Pards." (slang for partners for those uncowboy lingo people out there.) It's learning to "cleave" as the Bible calls it. "For a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife." Too many don't leave, and they never learn to cleave either.
Last night I was missing Todd so much and the tears were coming again, I told Kristi, for over 31 years (will be 32 in January) I've never been apart from him. Oh, we've both taken maybe a week trip somewhere (me more than him) but we always knew we were coming back. But this is so different, and I'm having a very hard time adjusting. Everywhere I look in our house, I see Todd. I so want him here still with me, sharing moments together. Rejoicing hopefully today that a new grandchild is born. (Sarah's in labor at the time of this writing). It's hard to crawl into bed every night knowing the other pillow is empty, there's no one there to scratch my back, no one there to hug and kiss good night. No one to pray with when I'm hurting. Yes, I know there's people praying for me, and at times with me, but none like Todd. He was my best prayer partner ever. No one has ever known my heart like him.
I did finally get to talk to Todd today. Every time I've called to check on him, he's been sleeping (except one time he was walking the halls with one of the CNA's). It's very hard to talk to him, as he doesn't respond much, but he did try to say a few words, not that much of it made sense. I told him about Sarah who's in labor ready to have the baby, about the new house Tyson and Sarah found and get to move to soon, about Phil's new place he's living, and about Qutio getting sick again, and Kristi being in a parade. I told him how much I love him and how much I miss him. I told him Kristi, Quito and I are going to come see him this weekend. Although he doesn't respond much, and I can't see his facial expressions over a phone line, I hope he's still hearing in his heart what I'm saying. (The nurse said he was having a better day today.)
Todd would always say he was proud to have me as his wife, I was his favorite singer, and the best 'cooker' around. (a way to a man's heart is through his stomach you know) When he asked me 32 years ago, on that hot 4th of July day "If maybe I'd want to marry this old cowboy." I'm still glad I said yes.
I'm Kelley, Todd's wife.
