"It's so hard to see my Dad like this"

Todd sitting on a lazy boy during the Nursing Home church Service. 

   
    Kristi and I made the trip up to Tioga this past weekend to see Todd.  It had been three long weeks since we've been able to make the trip up there. Why so long? Well, the first weekend, there was a snow storm and I didn't want to risk driving on awful roads, then I was gone for two weeks to see Philip in Colorado and Tyson and Sarah and their sweet girls in Oklahoma. I'll save that trips adventures for another post. 

   We arrived in Tioga at lunch time for Todd.  He was sitting at his table, stooped over.  I don't know how to explain it other than to say, I was shocked at his physical condition and the decline in the last three weeks. He now has to be fed his food, but occasionally trys to pick up his fork or spoon and feed himself, sometimes gropping at invisible food somewhere other than his actual food.  His neck is bent over at almost a 45 degree angle.  This whole neck thing has me so upset. Ever since his awful time at the hospital, his neck seemed to be bothering him.  I told the nurse at hospital that, and he 'bafoo'd" my observation, and said they'd get him a Tylonal. I told him, I don't want more drugs I want it checked out, to which I was told there was nothing wrong, and Todd was just tired.  I again brought up his neck when we arrived in Tioga, but nothing was done to check it.  This weekend, I hope I made enough stink about it that it will be checked out. I told them I'm really getting tired of not being listened to.  The nurse made a note on his chart to have the doctor check him. Hopefully something will be done now.  I assured them that this is NOT normal for Todd.  He winces in pain if you touch his neck.

     Later on Saturday afternoon, one of the CNA's helped me get Todd to the "Beauty shop" on site, and  I was able to give him a hair cut. First time I've ever cut his hair in an actual beauty shop and not our kitchen.  As typical in most nursing homes, residents are only bathed once a week.  For Todd and his oily hair, this is not good.  His scalp condition is awful.  I tried as best  as I could to remove what looks like 'cradle cap' from him.  I would have shampooed his hair in the salon sink, but with his neck in the condition it is, I thought it would be too painful for him.  It was quite difficult to cut his hair with him leaning over, but I did the best I could and got him looking better.

    Most of our time was spent sitting by Todd trying to show him pictures of my trip, singing to him, praying for him, walking him up and down the halls, which proved to be quite difficult as he was very unstable this weekend. 

     We did discover the CD player (which was Kristi's) that we had brought up for him had quit.  While he was sleeping on Sunday afternoon, I ran to Alco to see if I could purchase him another one. My selections were quite limited,  like there was only one choice, but did get him a small "boom box" to play the music we have for him there.  My sister Debbie had worked diligently creating a CD of music of me singing from the Women's retreat I helped put on and led the worship for in July.  I  told Todd now he can hear my voice any time.  He always said I was his favorite singer. :-)  

    Kristi and I visited the Assembly of God Church on Sunday mornning, and went to lunch with Pastor Jeremy and Jamie. Love the hearts in this young couple and their church.   

     We again stayed with our dear friends the Tandes.  Gary and Lori are such blessings to us. We got in on a little adventure of theirs when we arrived Saturday evening to find their house dark.  At first I was concerned that maybe they were gone, even though they told me they were going to be home.  But  then I saw a dim light on the dining room table, and saw Gary out with a flash light in the yard. Gary told me he had been backing up one of his rigs and accidently hit the main power pole by the shop and had knocked it down.  Lori mentioned that the good thing was it missed their son Lee's new pickup and most of all she hadn't done it.  When I told Todd the story and what Lori had said about being happy that she hadn't done it, I got a big smile on his face. Thanks, Lori, for helping Todd smile.  We had wonderful grilled dinner by lantern light, and then we all went to bed to be somewhere warm. Somewhere around 3 am, the power company had finished putting up the new pole and power was restored to their home.  What an adventure! 

    On the way home, I asked Kristi her thoughts on the weekend.  She said, "It's just so hard to see my Dad like this."  I couldn't agree more.  It breaks my heart to see Todd like this too.  I've talked to a lot of people who said they kind of know what I'm going through cause they are going through or have in the past experienced this with their parents in a nursing home. But when it's your husband  and he's young (yes, I do still consider us young) it seems unbearable.  This is not suppose to be happening, but it is.  I told Kristi, I sometimes feel I'm walking in somekind of weird dream, but it's more of a nightmare.  I want to wake up so bad and find out this all isn't so.   Yet, my only comfort is that I know God is still here for Todd and I both.  He said He'd NEVER leave us nor forsake us.  I continue to worship Him, and sing the music in my heart for Him.  Somehow, someway, there is victory. 

Weekend report of Sept 28-29 for Todd

Todd getting to see Quito after a long time of separation. 

Kristi, Quito (our dog) and I  made our trip up to Tioga this past weekend to see Todd.  Quito was a big hit at the nursing home, and he behaved very well.  He was pretty excited to see Todd too, tail wagging on high speed.  Todd did pet him several times, and said he was a good dog or something to that effect.  

Todd seemed better than when I had last saw him.  He was walking more steady, and trying to talk, but not much of it makes sense, but he's at least trying to engage in conversation, though it sounds like babble, with a few words here and there.  

Playing the old video for Todd. My I look young! This in one of the 'family rooms' not too far from Todd's room.

We played for him the video of our Farewell concert in Kenmare back in 1992. I know it's old, but it's one of the few times, I have a recording of us singing together. He cried through a lot of it. Music seems to really touch him. On Sunday afternoon, I brought my guitar in and Kristi and I sang for him.  Every once and a while on a song, he'd start crying.  I believe music ministers where words fail.

Kristi and I visited the Tioga AG Church on Sunday morning.  I even sang a 'special' during the offering time. We met some wonderful people there, a few that have already gone up to visit Todd (although he was a sleep when they went).  They prayed for us (Kristi and I) and for Todd at the end of the service.  We also got in on some great church fellowship during a potluck dinner.   

 Speaking of food, on Saturday afternoon, Kristi and I decided we'd better find some food to eat, so someone recommended this little cafe/drive in (it's really not a drive in, just a pick up/take out window).  I have to say the food was REALLY good, but defiantly oil field prices. We each ordered a cheese burger and we shared one order of fries and it came to $17.85!! Wow, I think that is the most expensive burger I've ever eaten.  Gas there is about 30 cents higher than Bismarck.  Go figure, where the oil comes from it's higher than any where else, but then again, it's refined right here in Mandan, and we have higher prices than the rest of the state, other than oil field.

As before it was hard to leave, and exhausting for me. It's more than just the physical drain of driving etc, there's an emotional drain that seems to tap me and leave me exhausted.  It's so hard to see 'my man' like this.  I really don't have words to explain it, or wisdom to understand all this right now.

Todd and Quito

Some of the pictures we have hung for Todd in his room.

This is his bed. He's now in the room by himself, as his room mate is on Oxygen and Todd disconnected Jim's oxygen a couple of times, and tripped over Jim's machines, so for both of their safety they moved Jim to another room. 

"Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife..."

    "Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife." I've been saying that one a lot the last few days, since I didn't meet all the staff at the Tioga Nursing Home, I always feel the need to make sure they know who they're talking to.  It's always nice when I'm talking to one of the staff member I remember meeting, so there's a face with the voice.  

     Today I got to thinking about that phrase a little bit deeper.  Often when meeting someone we identify ourselves by what we do, or who we're related to.  Such as, "Hi, I'm Bob, I work in Marketing, etc..."  "Hi, I'm Kathy, Matt's mom..."  you get the picture.  We're giving the person we're meeting a common ground, some place to start this relationship or conversation.  But is it more than that?  Yes, it can be.  Men (and women too) often find their identity in what they do for a living.  Their job often gives them value. But is that who they really are?  No, they're more than a job title.

  There's a song that's very popular right now on the Christian Charts. "Hello My Name Is"  It's a great song with a great message.  Basically, saying you're not a looser, or other things you've been labeled, you're a child of the One True King. 

   But back to my thought.  I'm identifying who I am as Todd's wife.  Not his 'live in', not his 'significant other,'  I'm his wife.  I made a committment (so did he) at that altar on a very cold January day back in 1982.  That's why they're called "Vows".  Have we ever been tempted to break it?  Oh, I'm sure we can both say, yes, a time or two, we wanted to throw in the towel, call it quits, it was too hard to work things through. (Believe me, Todd's and my personalities are about as opposite as they can be.)  But we made a promise, a committement to each other, and neither of us took it lightly.  It's something that so few people get these days.  It's not, well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce.  Not an option folks.  Not here in this house.  There's a sign that's been hanging on our bed (we have a log bed, so yes, it actually hangs on our bed) since we first married that says, "Choose you this day, whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord."  Every day is a Choice.  Somedays the choice is harder than others, but it's still a choice.

    I chose to love Todd and stayed through those hard years, and I still choose today.  I told Tyson once, that my loyalty goes deeper than my love, but I'm finding out in that loyalty is a love so deep that you can't divide it from the loyalty.  

    When you're man and wife you really are one.  I've found it interesting, that over the last month and half with him in the hospital and now the nursing home, I often wake up in the middle of the night for no reason.  I often pray.  Then when checking with staff the next day, when I woke up was when Todd was up.    There's more to being one with someone than sex.  It's two hearts beating in separate chests but as one.  It's wanting to meet the other ones needs before your own.  It's laying down your life, your dreams, your wants, to see them succeed.  It's working as a team, or as Todd would always say "Pards." (slang for partners for those uncowboy lingo people out there.)  It's learning to "cleave" as the Bible calls it.  "For a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife."  Too many don't leave, and they never learn to cleave either.

      Last night I was missing Todd so much and the tears were coming again, I told Kristi, for over 31 years (will be 32 in January)  I've never been apart from him.  Oh, we've both taken maybe a week trip somewhere (me more than him) but we always knew we were coming back.  But this is so different, and I'm having a very hard time adjusting.  Everywhere I look in our house, I see Todd.  I so want him here still with me, sharing moments together.  Rejoicing hopefully today that a new grandchild is born. (Sarah's in labor at the time of this writing).  It's hard to crawl into bed every night knowing the other pillow is empty, there's no one there to scratch my back,  no one there to hug and kiss good night.  No one to pray with when I'm hurting.  Yes, I know there's people praying for me, and at times with me, but none like Todd.  He was my best prayer partner ever.  No one has ever known my heart like him.  

     I did finally get to talk to Todd today. Every time I've called to check on him, he's been sleeping (except one time he was walking the halls with one of the CNA's).  It's very hard to talk to him, as he doesn't respond much, but he did try to say a few words, not that much of it made sense.  I told him about Sarah who's in labor ready to have the baby, about the new house Tyson and Sarah found and get to move to soon, about Phil's new place he's living, and about Qutio getting sick again, and Kristi being in a parade.  I told him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  I told him Kristi, Quito and I are going to come see him this weekend. Although he doesn't respond much, and I can't see his facial expressions over a phone line, I hope he's still hearing in his heart what I'm saying.  (The nurse said he was having a better day today.)

     Todd would always say he was proud to have me as his wife, I was his favorite singer, and the best 'cooker' around. (a way to a man's heart is through his stomach you know)  When he asked me 32 years ago, on that hot 4th of July day "If maybe I'd want to marry this old cowboy."  I'm still glad I said yes.   

   I'm Kelley, Todd's wife.       

Todd's address in Tioga

The picture below was one of the days we went for a walk outside in the patio area.  

A couple of people have asked me for Todd's address up in Tioga.  This is the address that is posted at the nursing home for mail to come to the residents.
Todd can't read much anymore, but I'm sure one of the staff members there would read to him.

 Todd is pretty none verbal right now, most of his replies are "yup, or yes", and what he does try to say doesn't make much sense.  Telephone calls are allowed and they will bring a phone to him and put it to his ear, but it's quite difficult for him to have conversation. Requesting information about Todd from the staff is NOT allowed so don't ask them. Don't make them feel uncomfortable having to tell you that you're not authorized to receive information.