The Present Underneath the Tree

I sat down on the couch this morning in front of the tree, and looked down at the gifts and this is what I saw.  The poem below is what came to my heart.

Todd always called this time of year his panic season. You see gift giving was not his strong point, and in a span of three weeks, he had Christmas, our Anniversary, and my birthday.  He got off the hook this year, by moving on up to heaven.  But I think the gift of his life and love to me, will last a very long time.  Love and miss you my cowboy!

There's a  present underneath my tree

But the one to receive it is not here

He left this earth for a better place

His gifts there far greater than here.

He's in perfect health now, his mind is clear

He's speaking praises to his King

He's doing a dance around the throne

Singing "I Know my Redeemer Lives".

He's missed far more than he'll ever know

But his memory lives on in our hearts 

Till The Lord in grace will lead us home

To reunite with him in that place.

His Christmas is merry he's rejoicing indeed

With the one we all celebrate

His gifts are far greater than what we could give

Eternal life in it's fullness is his.

Todd moved on up to heaven - Dec 22, 2013

    Took this above picture of Todd a few years ago at sunset.  

 This morning at the end of the Childrens Christmas Program, I happened to reach down and touch my braclet that Todd had given me on our 25th Anniversary, I suddenly began to cry, cause he wasn't there with me.  Yah, I've had lots of moments like that lately, but none prepared me for the shock tonight about quarter to five when the Nursing Home called and said they had just taken Todd to ER.  His blood pressure had crashed, and he was breathing erratic.  The RN said that's all she knew, at the moment, Dr VJ was on his way there (or was already there, I don't remember), and she'd call me back as soon as she knew more.  At a few minutes after five,  I received a call from Dr VJ saying that he was very sorry, they had done all they could, but Todd had quit breathing when he got to the ER and then his heart stopped, and the resuscitation was unsucessful.  I believe Todd caught a glimpse of heaven and decided he wasn't coming back.  What a glorious moment for him, to meet Jesus face to face.   While he went on home, I cried in shock and pain of loosing my best friend and love of my life.  I was so thankful to have been at my parents farm at the moment of receiving the call, as we went out so Grandma and Grandpa could see Philip before all the business of Christmas set in.  

  Thank you out to Pastor Tim Davidson and Theressa Simon who came out to farm to be with us, and pray with us.

   Tyson and Sarah and girls are on the road, and were just about to Kansas City when I called with the sad news.  They decided to spend the night in Council Bluff and take off in the morning, a wise choice I believe.  Praying for safety as they make the rest of the trip here tomorrow.

     I'll post more as to when the  Celebration of Todd's life service will be, after the kids and I have made some decisions.

    Thank you to all who have poured out your love to us or just prayed for us.  I'm not sure how to  pass from being a wife to being a widow, a transition and name I never wanted to make or have.  To go from being a couple to being alone, from him being my best "pard" (partner for you uncowboy people) to me running solo. 

     But I know he's in a better place.  He's free from a body that had trapped him inside, there's no more suffereing for him.  He's truly free.  And I know this might not be too scriptural, but I wonder if Jesus and him aren't out checking the horses that Jesus will  ride in the book of Revelations.  Heaven just gained one heck of a good cowboy.  A man whose heart was always after God.  A man that had a passion for the Word of God, and loved to share God's love with everyone he met.  He never knew a stranger, and walked in love like no one else I've ever met.  You couldn't help but love him, cause he was just that kind of guy.  Todd, I love so much, and will miss you so very very much. 

This picture is from a few years ago, while we lived in Kintyre, but I love it.  Todd saw tonight something more beautiful than a ND sunrise, he looked at his Savior face to face. 

Visit with My Dad- Philip's Visit with Todd

Philip and I went up on Wednesday to see Todd and be part of the Tioga Nursing Home Christmas party.  I asked Philip to share his view on the visit and here's what he wrote.

 But here's a few pictures, and keep scrolling down for what Philip wrote.

 Philip was doing a little physical therapy with Todd, some things he had learned when he use to work in a nursing home.

 Holding his Dad's hand.  

“Every moment is a blessing”

 Visit with Dad 

(by Philip Reuer)

It has been a long time ago since I had seen my dad last. Last time I saw my dad, we were laughing and joking (even though it made no sense) and had a really good memory to end with before my adventure to Colorado Springs. In fact, an answer to prayer when I asked God for a miracle in church that morning, I believe he did answer that prayer with a blessing to see him in a joyful state and feeling the warmth of his presence, to hear that wonderful laugh. A laugh I had not heard in a long time. To gaze into his eyes and see how much he appreciated me being there. But when I saw him last Wednesday, I did not have that same feeling. It was a feeling of shock and helplessness. My dad was no longer laughing or smiling. He was staring into space like he was in a trance. At times he would have seconds of realization of alertness and would communicate a non-verbal cue of a nod, smirk, and or a faded smile. Sometimes he would release an “humph” or a “yea”. 

The man I used to dream of beating in a race now can’t walk straight without assistance. The man who used to eat my left overs, now can’t feed himself. It breaks my heart seeing him go through this. I understand that long-term nursing homes are not a pretty place but are necessary. Having worked in one, I promised myself to never go back. But now the man who shaped my roots of who I am, my dad, the man I love and is proud of, is now in the very place I hate the most. It is hard, but also a blessing. I cannot know what the next day may bring forth. I must hold on to every opportunity to remember what the people I love the most are in the moment I am with them, because that will not last forever. Although, it saddens my heart that my dad is in his own cage of entrapment of his mind, I hold onto those nods, smirks, faded smiles, “humph’s” and “yea’s”, because every moment is a blessing and is an answer to prayer.      

 Philip showing Todd the helmet he got from all the player at the AFA with all the Varsity players signatures. Very cool.

 Phil helping his Dad walk

 Todd has become very unstable and weak.  In the last few weeks he has repeatedly fallen while trying to walk or stand by himself.  For his safety, the staff has him in a wheel chair, or walking with staff members assistance.  

 Santa showed up for the Christmas party, and posed for a moment with Todd for a picture. 

Philip sitting with Todd during the gift opening. The shirt in Todd's lap was a gift from one of the CNA's.  A couple of staff members gave him gifts along with the gift I had brought him.

On Thursday all of us (Tyson, Sarah, Kadence, Selah, Philip, Kristi and I) will go up to see Todd.  God so wonderfully provided us a place to stay (a wonderful family in the Tioga Assembly of God said we could stay at their home) and another family from our Church here in Bismarck rented us a van so we could all drive up their together!  I just cried at God's outpouring of love to us.  We also received some unexpected money that will cover the gas to get there.  All I can say is God is good!!  

There has been times when I've wondered where in the world is God in all this, but there other times, I believe He's holding us all in the very palm of his hand in love and tender care.  

Merry Christmas to you all! 

(the 2013 Reuer Christmas Card)

With Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving at a Nursing Home

 Todd getting his Thanksgiving meal. He said it was good.  I could have done without the gravy, but good thing Todd loves gravy.

 Kristi and Todd. We got to sit at a private table in the Lobby Room, so a little more like 'family' time.

Todd checking out what Kristi is doing. She is typing another one of her stories into the laptop. She is an awesome writer!  I am very impressed with what she's been doing. She writes everything by hand in a notebook, and then later types it into the computer.  She said she likes doing it the 'old fashion' way.

As I sit down to write this morning, reflecting back on Thursday and Thanksgiving, I'm really struggling how to write,  for me it was a very difficult day.  It wasn't just the 7 hours of driving, the cold weather, or anything like that, although those were not enjoyable, it was an inner struggle and hurt.   

     Kristi and I got up to Tioga about 11 am shortly before the  dinner meal.   Todd was asleep in the recliner by the nurses station.  The staff said he had been very 'busy' that morning.  But maybe I should back up to Tuesday for you to understand some of my inward struggle.   

     Last week I had met with Dr VJ, and he had agreed to start reducing Todd's meds on Monday.  On Tuesday I received a call from the head nurse and a couple other staff members that Todd had gotten rather difficult to handle on Monday evening.  They informed me that the first sign of aggression in anyway, he will be sent back to the Psych Ward.  They wanted to put him back on a certain drug that he had just been pulled off of. (One that that Dr VJ had been reducing for the last couple of weeks).  They also said, if he goes back to a Psych , the chances of him getting placed again will be little to none.  I still stand to say Todd is not aggressive, but he is very stubborn, and if he doesn't want to do something he won't do it. (I know, I've lived with him for almost 32 years.)  But others may interpret his stubbornness as aggression, because of his physical strength.  So with their threat of sending him back to Psych Ward (someplace he never should have been, and a place I NEVER want him to see again) I agreed to a low dosage of this drug.  (I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place)

    We woke Todd up to have our "Thanksgiving Meal."  It was ok, but nothing like what a home cooked meal would taste like, but the staff tried to make it as festive as possible.  The rest of the afternoon, Todd was 'busy.'  Walking, pacing, no, it was more like a very fast shuffle jog.  Up and down the hall ways.  He also seemed fixated about the public toilets in the Lobby.  It took three staff members to get him off.  He had been sitting on it, facing the wall (riding it more like a horse) and flushing and flushing.  I had tried several times, to get him up, and so had Kristi, but he wouldn't budge.  It took the staff about 10 minutes to talk him off it.  That was the second time he had done that that afternoon. I sat and cried.   I hate seeing Todd like this.  I look at my handsome husband, and wonder how in the heck did this all happen? Why?  How can his thinking be so far gone?  Questions to which I may never have answers.

    I tired singing to him, but he didn't seem too interested.  Once he tried to pick up the TV in the room, and Kristi and I had to stop him.  We did get him to sit down briefly, and I was telling him that is Thanksgiving and we should be Thankful.  I told him I was thankful that I had meat stuck in my tooth, cause that meant I got food to eat, but I really wanted to find a toothpick to get it out, cause it was bugging me. On that, I got the one and only smile out of him all day.

    I called both Tyson and Phil so they could say 'hi' to their Dad.  As usual there's little to no response out of Todd.  It's very hard to hold a phone conversation, as it's always one sided.

    By the time we had to go, I felt strung out and exhausted and an emotional basket case.  I'm sorry to say I cried more on Thanksgiving than I have for weeks.  I was thankful for my wonderful daughter who drove most of the way home, cause she knew her mom wasn't in a good condition to drive.  I am thankful to some wonderful CNA's and nurses that show incredible patience with Todd.  I'm thankful to the wonderful friends who messaged and text me through out the day, to say they were praying for me.  One in particular, who I went to Bible College with, and haven't seen in years, messaged me several times that day with words of encouragement and love.  God is so good, to send those that can encourage, when I can hardly function.  I'd like to say, I'm a rock, and never have a moment that I struggle, but if I said that, I'd be a liar.  I'm human and I struggle greatly.   

    This morning I read in my Bible; Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6 NIV)

    I guess I'm noticing prepositions lately.  But I noticed "in' every situation, 'by' prayer and petition 'with' thanksgiving, is how we are to present our requests to God.  I like how the NLT translation says it: 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NLT)

    My heart is to continue on in prayer with thanksgiving for then the peace will come. The peace that The Lord gives is the kind that guards your heart, like a military guard, protecting a city from hostile invasion.  

     I haven't been perfect in walking in that scripture every moment, but I continue on.  I know where is power and strength in his Word.  It's in Him I find strength.