Love Defined

 

   

   Back in 1982 when Todd and I got married, no one had a camcorder, or a iPhone, I think maybe my brother-in-law had a 8mm camera, but he forgot it in Rapid City.  So our only recording of our wedding was a small tape recorder placed in the choir loft of the church.  We had somewhat of a tradition through the years, that on our anniversary we would listen to the tape, to remind each other of our vows to each other. We didn't make it every year, sometimes we couldn't find the tape.  A few years ago, my sister Debbie, took the tape and burned it onto a CD for us.  Now it's taped, in a CD sleeve,  inside our wedding photo album.   The last few years we couldn't listen to it cause all our belongings were packed away in boxes in my parents garage.  I had plans of taking the CD up to Tioga on our Anniversary and playing it, reminding Todd that I still meant every word of it, and still loved him as much, and actually more than on that first day or our lives together. I never got to do that though, cause, on our anniversary this year, I laid Todd's body to rest in the ground, and said good bye, to my pard, my best friend, my lover, my husband. 

    In lou of Valentine's Day, I pulled the CD out this morning to listen to it, this time alone without Todd. I cried, I laughed.  Yes, laughed, at the sounds of chuckles from the congregation knowing what they were all laughing at.  Some of the wedding party (I won't name names) had taken Todd's shoes and put "H-E" on his left shoe and "L-P" on his right, so when we knelt down to pray at the end... you get now why everyone was laughing. We had to explain to the minister later, as he was a little perplexed as to why everyone was laughing at his prayer.  I laughed at my cracking voice at the end of the song Todd and I sang to each other.  I smiled remembering the terror on Todd's face, when we got to the last verse, and I whispered, "Let's turn and face the people."  This was the first time that Todd had song solo (actually duet) in public.  He did great, he had such a wonderful singing voice.  

    I cried hearing the original music sung by Andrew Nelson and another original song by Tom Porter.  All the beautiful music.  One of the benefits of growing up with wonderful musicians, they play and write music for your wedding. (The original song by Andrew was not written for our wedding, but for someone else's, but I loved it, and asked him to sing it at our wedding too.)   

    A wedding in all it's beauty is just one day event into a life time together.  Many people people spend tens of thousands of dollars on that day, but fail to prepare and cultivate the rest of their lives together.  Todd and I were determined to keep our wedding expenses down, and put more into our lives. (I think our wedding in total cost under $1000.  Most of that being the cake and pictures.  I'm sure my Dad would know the exact figure.)  But our lives together, was priceless.

   Our theme scripture from our wedding was; "... the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:5b NKJV)   It remained a theme throughout our lives together.  There were times when we had to 'stand' on that scripture more than others.  We're human.  We make mistakes.  We fail.  We forgive. We love.  We hold on when all hope seems gone.  

    Another scripture we had at our wedding was from Ecclesiastes: 

"Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NKJV)

    Todd and I would often quote the part of the verse, of two together being warm when they lie down, in our often freezing cold drafty houses we lived in.  I seem to have the coldest feet, and would love to place them up against his warm legs, to warm them up.  He always said I was freeze branding him (you got to be a rancher to understand that one).    But it was more than just keep each other's feet warm, we were always there for each other holding each other up.  I've never met anyone, who I could pray with like Todd.  I've been shocked through the years, that many Christian couples don't pray together.  For us it was common place.  Actually how we spent a lot of our time together when we were dating too.  I guess we saw it if you can't pray together, you're not going to stay together.  

    In a sympathy card from the man that was our best man at our wedding he said, "I have many great memories of Todd and our journey in life together, of course you are in most because it seems you two were together for all of our time together."  We were a team, working together.   Though Todd and I were worlds apart in personalities, we were a perfect match in the spirit.   We were 'pards' for life.  

   Yes, I know I use that word 'pards' a lot when talking about Todd and I, but it's for good reason.  When we first started spending time together back in Bible College, we were driving somewhere in his pickup.  Todd asked me if I'd be his "pard."  I guess that's how cowboys ask the girl to be their steady.  I guess you know I said yes.

    I always thought to really be in love, it has to have all those mushy "Hallmark" type situations, you know, when the guy gets the girl at the end, and it starts snowing.  Yes, snow, it always snows at the end of Hallmark movies, I guess they think that's romantic, I'm sure they only think that cause they never lived in North Dakota.  I never had those mushy, head over heels, I think it's gonna start snowing any moment type moments in our life.  Love was more of a commitment, one you stuck to, no matter what happened.  Even when life got ugly, and not the way you planned.  Even when you're both driving each other crazy, you don't quit.  We use to joke that our marriage was made in heaven, but so is thunder and lightening.    Yah, life wasn't always a bowl of cherries, we had lots of pits to deal with.  With every pit, we went to The Lord and dealt with it.  We stayed together, till death split us apart.

    Love was still there, even when I had to make those awful decisions that I knew would come someday, but came way too soon.  Even when certain people criticized me for my decisions to put Todd in a nursing home, I knew it hadn't changed how I loved him.  I loved him even more.  Loving him, even when he couldn't love me back.  I told my son Tyson once, that my loyalty to Todd goes deeper than my love, but the truth is, my loyalty really was my love.   Yes, sometimes love does really hard things, sometimes love takes you through really hard places, sometimes love is all you have left.  It takes me back to our wedding scripture theme, but I really want to back up a couple of verses and put it in context.

    "...through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:2-5 NKJV)

     That love of God that's poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, is what brings you through those times of tribulation that produces perseverance and character and hope.  It may not be 'snowing' like in a Hallmark movie, but love can still be flowing.

     The other day, I found a card in my dresser that Todd had given me. I'm not sure if it had been for a Christmas, our Anniversary or my birthday, they were all so close, but it said this: "With all we've shared the laughing and loving and living- you'd think I'd have discovered all the reasons I have to love you...But I keep finding new ones all the time."    He signed it "I do love you very much!" Todd

     That's what love is.  

  Happy Valentines Day

A Rodeo without you

Tucker nailing it! This young man is an incredible roper!

   Last Saturday morning, Kristi and I went to the Slack Rodeo at the Civic Center to watch our friend, Tucker Dale, team rope, and we also got to see Shanna Anderson barrel race. Fun to see ole' friends from Timber Lake, SD compete.

   As we walked into the arena, I first was accosted by that old familiar smell of horse manure and wood chips.  My comment was "Wow, haven't smelled that in a while," to which Kristi replied, "Yah, doesn't that smell good."  I replied, "I'm not sure I call it good, but it is familiar."

    As we went to find a seat while waiting for Bill and Jackie (Tucker's parents), I was overcome by all the old familiar sights and sounds.  Seeing all those cowboy hats, and knowing my Cowboy's hat lays empty on the saddle horn on the rack in our bedroom. (Part of my western decor, I have Tyson's beautiful saddle on a rack in my western bedroom. Since Todd died, I have his hat and chinks hanging over the saddle.)   I didn't realize that just going to a rodeo would effect me so.  It was just another shocking reminder that Todd is gone from my present life.  None of those cowboy hats had his big smiling face under it.  

  The saddle rack in the corner of my bedroom.  I made the hanging quilt on the wall for Todd for his 50th birthday a few years ago.  It's called the "Great American Cowboy". Thought it was so fitting of a description of Todd.

       It just seemed odd that this use to be our way of life.  I can't count the number of rodeoes where I sat watching the kids, and way back when, Todd, ride in the arena, always hoping for that winning buckle, or at least an improved time.  Now it's just memories, a life in the past, gone from my life forever. Not that I'll never go to another rodeo, I told Jackie that when Tucker makes the NFR, I'm going to go watch. :-)  Being there was more of a reminder  of my life that I lost.  Although that way of life was not familiar ground for me before Todd, it became common place after I met him.  To be truthful, before I met Todd, I had only attended one rodeo when I was in High School.  We had a foreign exchange student living with us from Japan, and she wanted to see a rodeo, so my mom had me take her. I had no idea what was going on, little did I know that in a few years, I'd be hauling horses around and attending numerous rodeos and horse shows every summer.

    I remember when we sold our horse trailer with the living quarters a few years ago, I stood in the yard out in Kintyre, and just cried watching it being hauled out of the yard.  Todd stood there looking at me rather bewildered.  It was more to me than just selling an old beat up trailer, a Circle J 1989 steel trailer, what a beast to haul, it was I was loosing more of Todd, more of our life was gone.  We had to sell, cause he could no longer, do those things that had always been so natural to him.   When we sold our last horse in December of  2012,  I bawled like a baby standing there freezing in my parents yard, watching Dude leave in someone elses trailer.  Knowing that part of our lives was over. Todd and I had always had at least one horse, even before the kids started rodeoing. It was just part of Todd.

     Now Todd no longer knew even how to saddle a horse.    It was more than just selling our last horse, again, I was loosing Todd.  The man who knew more about horses than anyone else in my life,  no longer could care for them, and it wasn't right for my 80+ year old father to be out there feeding them either, and I didn't have a clue as to how to take care of them.  The horses had always been Todd's and the kids thing.  I've personally never cared much for horses, don't get me wrong, I think they're beautiful, but I really don't like to be around them.  I'm not a good rider, and don't enjoy it.  I do like to take pictures of them though. :-)

    Earlier that fall (2012), Todd was down in my dad's corral "saddling up" a horse.  I went down to see him, and saw that  the saddle had no cinch on it.  Todd didn't even realize that.  When I said, "Todd, you can't ride without a cinch, where's the cinch?"  He just stared at me, and then turned and pulled the saddle off the horse.  He never tried to ride again, and we never found the cinch either.  He had taken apart several of our saddles.  Stirups were missing, cinches gone, latigos no where to be found.  Kristi spent a lot of time down in Grandpa's shop (where the saddles were stored) trying to piece everything back together.  But some things we never found again.  Todd would hide things.  Sometimes we never found them again, and of course he couldn't remember where he hid it.  This was the part of Todd's illness no one saw but us.  It wasn't just horse tack, it was my dad's tools, sometimes clothes, things from my parents kitchen or garage (this was while we were living with my parents).  Things would just be missing, sometimes we find them in the strangest places.  One morning I got up to find my Mom's winter coat and gloves in our bedroom, underneath a pillow on the lazyboy chair.  I don't know if he had tired to wear them in the middle of the night, I'll never know, the gloves were also wet.  When we were moving our belonging out of my parents garage to our new home, I found my cowboy boots  that Todd had bought me on our honey moon, shoved behind a bed my Dad had stored in his garage. They had been in a box of keepsake items, why he singled them out I don't know. There never was any logic to these things.  Just another awful symptom of the wretched condition of dementia.  

    I wasn't just loosing our horses and that way of life, I was loosing him.  

    This morning I read this scripture that was a great comfort:

"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. Then I will praise you with music on the harp, because you are faithful to your promises, O my God. I will sing praises to you with a lyre, O Holy One of Israel." (Psalms 71:20-22 NLT)

      Even through I've been through a great loss, I can be assured that God is the God of all comfort and he will lift me up, and I will and do praise him with music on my guitar, sorry I don't know how to play a harp or lyre.  I also know He is faithful to his promises. God can not fail.   

       Maybe even someday, I'll be able to attend a rodeo without that sad feeling of loss, and just go and enjoy it, but like any sporting event, if I don't know someone who's competing, it's not any fun to watch.  Right now it just feels empty to watch a rodeo without my cowboy beside me.   

Just a standard question and Willmar remodeling

   Been helping Tyson in Willmar on his house, as they're wanting to get it ready to sell and make it more marketable. Lots of demolition was going on in the last few days.  He tore out all the paneling in the living room, and gutted the bathroom down to the 2x4's.  I've been just putzing. Maybe not a whole lot of help, but doing little things that are tedious, like running errands, sanding, sweeping up the demo mess, pulling nails left from the paneling.  Pulling nails was a huge job, I can't believe how many nails can be used to hang paneling.  There was one nail in particular, I felt more than others, the one I pulled out of my foot  on Monday night,  as we were mudding holes created by the nails in the panelling, when I went for some more mud, and stepped on a nail that was pointing upwards in the upside down piece of paneling laying on the floor.  I let out a yell, but it really wasn't bad.  Pulled off my shoe, and it was only bleeding a little bit, hardly enough to make a blood stain on my sock, but then again, my sock was so thin and old, I don't think it would hold the blood.  Tyson insisted I ask Laure, whom I'm staying with, for some kind of antiseptic and clean it out when I got to their home.  Which I did, no biggie.  

    On Tuesday night I was talking with my sister-in-law, Georgia, who's a nurse, and she strongly suggested I go and get a tetanus shot, since that last one I had was in 1989 right before I went overseas.  

   So this morning I asked Jack (Laure's husband) where I should go, if there was a walk in clinic any where, where I could just get a tetanus shot, I didn't need to see a doctor. He told me where to go, and I went to their Urgent Care Clinic, and waited in line for paper work.  I had to go into the business office to sign in as a new patient.  She was going through the standard questions, of address, phone number, etc, and then she got to the question that stopped me. "Are you married?" I just stared at her, and paused for a few seconds and then said, "I guess I have to say I'm a widow."  She went on like it was no big deal, for me, I almost started crying.  I haven't had to use that word yet, and oh how I hate it.  It's just another of all those firsts I've been having to go through.

 The first time, having to jump my car by myself. Hey, don't laugh, I've seen it done a thousand times, but never have had to do it, that I can remember.

  The first time staying in a hotel all by myself.

  The first time having to eat by myself in a restaurant.

  The first time sitting in a service and the preacher starts preaching on marriage, and suddenly you realize, that no matter how good it is, I can't apply it to my life.

   The first time…

I think you get what I'm talking about. My world turned upside down, and I have to adjust and go on.  I'm not the first one who's had to, but that doesn't make it any easier.  This is my road, and I have to walk it out.  

   God has been so good, right beside me, and no, I'm not depressed and angry at God or Todd, or anything else.  I'm just adjusting.  I've had to walk "through the valley of the shadow of death," but I'm not setting up camp there. I'm going through and onward.   

   A preacher friend of mine, told me, "Kelley, it's a new day, it's a new day, it's not like before, it's a new day for you."  I said, "Yes, I receive that!"  It is a new day, and there's new things, but sometimes the changes shakes me a little bit.  

   I guess, maybe that word widow, reminds me of a spider or something.  But even in the new things, I'll find God's grace to live out those new changes and titles.

   And by the way, the shot has made my arm hurt more, than the nail that went up my foot.  Go figure.

   Remodeling report (Wed. night)

   As in all remodeling projects, things take longer, and cost way more than anticipated.  Tyson was finally able to get a plumber this morning, who said he could start working tomorrow (Thurs), this evening while we were eating some supper, Ty got a call from the plumber, that he had had a slight heart attack today, and was in the hospital in St Cloud. But he assured Tyson he'd send one of his assistants over tomorrow. 

   Tonight, I learned how to do knock down texture.  Tyson ran the texture sprayer thing (I'm so technical) and I was going behind him, knocking it down. (He slung mud, I knock it down! :-) It took a little getting use to, but I was finally getting the hang of it. Doing it on walls built in the 1940's, and not very even gave me even more of a challenge. I learned what "crumb and valley" mean in the dry wall world.  What an education for me.  (Todd and I textured one time in our house in Kenmare, after that, he said never again. Oh, we did texture our ceiling in our trailer home while we worked at Smith's, but I think someone came and helped us do it. )   I can't wait to see it all painted, it will look so much better.

 

 The paneling that I stepped on with that pointy nail.  It got hauled to the dump the next day.

 This was what we found when Ty was gutting the bathroom wall.  The newspapers that are crumbled dated back to the early 50's.  Crazy.

 The beginning of the bathroom demolition.  Everything had to go, black mold was awful under the window.  Tyson is going to put in a walk in tiled shower. It's going to be beautiful.

Sanding all those mudded nail holes. What a dusty job. Both of us looked a little white haired. Hee hee.

Chapter from The Adventures of Todd and Kelley

Years ago, we toured Laura Ingalls Wilders home in Missouri, and the tour guide showed us a little room, with a desk and chaise longue chair that was right next to their bedroom.  I guess, Laura would often wake up in the middle of the night, and remember a story or event, and she would get up and write in her Big Chief notebook with her pencil her wonderful stories, then go back to sleep in the chaise chair so she wouldn't awake her husband.

   I can't compare my writing or my stories to the level of Laura's but I am relating to the middle of the night thing.  I awoke at 3 am this morning, and thought of this story.  So I sat up in bed, grabbed my iPad, and started writing, what may or may not end up in my book "The Adventures of Todd and Kelley."  So for as good as 3 am writing gets, here's what I came up with.

Oh That Name!

(a chapter from the Adventures of Todd and Kelley)

    It was sometime shortly after we were engaged, Todd was at his one and only NDRA rodeo he did that summer, that I began to see that this last name could cause some interesting situations.  

   We were at the big city of Wing, ND and Todd was backed into the box ready to rope his calf.  I was sitting in the rickety bleachers, waiting and watching.  The announcer called up, "Next up is Todd Roo-er, is that how it's pronounced?"  

    Todd with his piggin' string in his mouth, some how managed to yell up to the crows nest above him, "Rye-er". I was sitting there talking aloud to myself, "Is it Rye-er, or is it Roy-er, or Roo-er? Oh, dear, I'm marrying this guy and I'm not sure which way that name his name is pronounced."  I suddenly had a brain freeze.

  Finally the announcer said, "Oh, I think that's Rye-er folks."  

  I found out at that moment, getting people to pronounce Reuer (Rye-er) correctly was going to be a challenge for the rest of my life.  I mean with a name like Shaw, rarely does one question the pronunciation of the name, but Reuer, throws people for a loop all the time. One thing I should  say about having the name Shaw in North Dakota is, people often think it should be Schaff,  North Dakota is mostly German and Norwegian, so having a Scottish/English name throws some people.   I teasingly tried to convince Todd before we were married, that maybe we should take my last name, cause it was so much easier, but he didn't go for that, and truly I wouldn't have either, and if we had done that,  just think of all the stories I would have missed, if we would have taken the Shaw name.  

    Some where around that time after that rodeo, I started a little jingle about his last name, "Rye-er, Roo-er, Rever, Retriever."  Ok, silly I know, I just like alliterations.

    Later, after we were married, and Todd was in a car accident, the paper wrote up the article that Todd Revere, (although not related to the famous Paul Revere), had hit the good Samaritan. That was one time I was glad they misspelled our name!  

     Our name has often been listed as Rever.  I guess people think there just can't be three vowels in a row,  typically not in English, but Reuer is German, so...

     One section of Todd's family pronounces it "Roy-yer" with more of an "oi" sound. This is the more German pronunciation. Although I don't mind that pronunciation, Todd told me his name was pronounced "Rye-er" that's what he said when I stood at the altar and I took his last name, so I'm stickin' with what he told me.

     The mispronunciation of our last name, really kicked in as the kids got older, and started rodeoing and doing sports.  One memorable time was Tyson's first regional rodeo in Buffalo, SD.  He was team roping at that time with Courtney Bickel, she headed, and Tyson heeled.  They came out for their first go-around, and the announcer slaughtered our last name.  Tyson said he was getting use to if he heard Tyson and anything that sounded like it started with an "R" he would figure he was up next, and would just go. (There was another Tyson who rodeoed in the same region at that time.)

    After that days rodeo, I was walking with Tyson back to the sale barn where we were stabling his horse, and ran into the man that was the rodeo announcer.   He asked, how do we pronounce it.  I told him, what by then had become my standard little jingle to help people remember, "It's Rye-er that rhymes with fire, not Roo-er that rhymes with sewer."  The man chuckled and said he'd remember it now.

    The next day as Tyson and Courtney came out to rope, the announcer began a little sing song saying "It's Tyson Reuer rhymes with fire, Courtney Bickel, rhymes with pickle."  About that time, I think I saw a little thought cloud appear over Tyson's head that was saying, "I'm gonna kill you mom!"  Yes, parents are put on the earth to some how always embarrass their kids, but hey, after that, at least with that rodeo announcer, he always pronounced it correctly. 

     Todd told me when he was a little kid, he hated his last name, cause no one could ever get it right, then someone pointed it out to him, that hey, you can spell it backwards.  Yup, it's a palindrome, same forwards as it is backwards.  After that Todd said he felt his name was really special.  Spelling it is cool, pronouncing it is a challenge.

      Philip ran into the same challenge wherever he went with football, basketball and track.  It became a game with us, as we waited to hear his name in the staring line up, wondering how it was gonna be pronounced this time, often changing several times during the game, as the announcer struggled to figure it out.  Eventually where ever we lived, at least the hometown announcer got it right, away games was another story.   About the only place that ever got it right, the first time, in an away game, was in Chamberlain, SD.  But then again, there's another group of Reuer's that live in that area, and yes, they're distantly related.

     So between people never spelling my first name right, it's Kelley with that extra 'e', and no one ever pronouncing my last name right, having my name right has been a constant problem my whole life.  I guess, sometimes I've wondered, why I make a big deal about it, I'm not totally sure, except it's part of who I am.  My name defines me, it identifies me from everyone else. This reminds me of a scripture in John 3:1.

  "There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was a Pharisee. (John 3:1 NLT)"

I was reading that one day, and what jumped out at me was the phrase, "There was a man named..."  I think there are some important things to notice here. 

#1. This is stating there really was a man, this not a made up story. 

#2. There was a reason to know that man's name. 

#3. His name had meaning, it meant Conqueror.

#4. His name is listed (at least in this translation) before what he did for a living.

I don't know if there's really any spiritual connotation to that, but I want it said of me some day. "There was a woman named Kelley, …"  That my life would count, that my life would have a significant part in my world today.  Maybe not on the secular or worldly end, that the news media would know, but on God's end, in his writings and records, that it would be said, "There was a woman named Kelley…"  I want my life to count.  I want it to count with my family, with my friends, with my neighborhood, and city.  My world of influence. The whole world may never hear of me and I really don't care about that, but with those God has entrusted to me, I want it to count.

Another thought I had was, it says "There was a man named Nicodemus.." The word "named."  He had a name, he wasn't anonymous, he wan't unnamed, he had a name.  Nicodemus means conqueror, just like Kelley means warrior.  Every time someone said Nicodemus' name they were saying "He's a conqueror"  Every time someone says Kelley, they're saying "She's a Warrior." That use to really bother me, cause I felt like my whole life, I was fighting something, then I realized that I can be a victorious warrior for The Lord, but please remember to  spell it with the extra 'e'.  I can so relate with Anne of Green of Gables, when Marilla asked her what difference it makes how Anne is spelled and Anne says, "Print out A-n-n, and it looks absolutely dreadful, but Anne with an 'e' is quite distinguished." I'm not sure K-e-l-l-e-y is distinguished, but it does feel symmetrical to me, and also remember Reuer rhymes with fire.