Painful Reminders

   

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but we all know, no one looks at my blog without some kind of picture.  

Just saw on Facebook, a 'friend' is celebrating their 34th Anniversary, and another friend was celebrating that it was 40 years ago today that he proposed to his wife, and she said yes.  Though I rejoice with both of these friends, and celebrate their long marriages, it also comes as a painful reminder, that I don't get another anniversary, or proposal celebration.  For me, the anniversaries stopped 10 days short of 32 years, and likewise the proposal celebrations (4th of July for me).  How does one, as a widow, celebrate with my friends, yet, work through the pain in my own heart, knowing there is no more for me?  Only by the grace of God.  Each day is reminder of how I have to face it alone, without my cowboy by my side.  

    How do I make it though another major 'move' in my life, but this time without Todd?  How to I embrace this new start, knowing that it's truly is a new day, but that new day means I'm alone?   When others get to move on in life with their loved one by their side, I get to move on with only a memory.  It's these times that I run to my Father God, and cling to Him for comfort that only can give.  I know that sounds real cheesy, and 'religiously spiritual' (if that's a thing) but it's all the same true.   

   Yes, I know there are those in this world, who have chosen to be single, and enjoy it.  There are others who are single, cause they just never found their special one.  There are others who are single because they couldn't bear the pain and abuse of being together anymore.  There are those of us who are single and alone, who by no fault of our own, have found ourselves in this spot. It's just what life handed us, and we have to learn to live with it, or more correctly live without them.

    I just sometimes wonder of my happy friends who are celebrating, do they really know what they have, are they holding it precious and dear?  Are they taking advantage of their loved one, not in a mean way, but just in a familiar way?  Knowing they're always there for them?  Do they really realize how short and precious life is?  I know other widows and widowers who have come to this same realization as me, and know the heart renching pain of loosing the love of your life, and wish they could have one more day, one more talk with them.  

    Recently I ran into an old friend here in Kenmare.  Yes, old in age, and in time knowing. We went on a mission trip to Mexico together. Him and his wife and Todd and I and our boys and another couple from Kenmare, along with our missionary friends.  My old friend just lost his wife last summer.  I could see the pain of loss in his eyes.  After visiting with him, my first thought was, "Oh I can't wait to tell Todd I ran into him."  Then I realized, I can't tell Todd, cause he's not here.  I mentioned this to my daughter and made the comment, "I wonder how long I will have those thoughts?  Every time I run into someone Todd and I knew together, I think I can't wait to tell Todd." Kristi's wise reply, was "Probably will happen for a long time Mom, cause you had 32 years of always telling Dad everything."   I do believe she's right.  Those old habits are hard to break.  Communication was one of our strengths, till his ability to communicate was lost.  But that didn't mean I didn't keep trying.  I still talked to him and told him things just like I always had, hoping he could understand, wishing he could communicate back with me. 

       I guess I have no great words of wisdom, nor great comfort for those grieving too.  Life sometimes is just hard, but on the flip side, God is good, and I know He's not through with me yet.  There will be better days ahead, although they won't be lived with Todd by my side.  There will be new adventures to live, but I'll share them alone.  The Lord, has truly become my constant companion, a husband to the widow.   He is one I can always talk to, and he does bring comfort.  

      My dog is noisily snoring in the corner of my camper, the aroma of wet dog still lingering on his fur following his 'bath' today. (By the way don't say 'bath' in front of Quito, it causes him to run away.  I've taken to spelling it, so he won't know what I'm planning.  He's smart, but he doesn't know how to spell thankfully.)  He's reminding me it's late, and I should go to bed, for tomorrow is another day. 

     Blessings to your day!  

  

Barking at the Rain

Quito laying on his blanket this morning amidst the various wet items laid out to dry that got soaked in the storage area under the couch.

   

About the time I went to bed last night, Quito started his nervous panting.  The ‘scared’ season has begun.  If you don’t have a dog that’s scared of thunder you won’t understand.  In so many ways this dog is fearless. He’ll bark down anything, and step in and protect the smallest and weakest of the crowd. Don’t believe me? Just act like you’re chasing a toddler in front of Quito, and you’re going to find a growling dog between you and the toddler.  He will protect if he even thinks you mean to harm in the slightest way.  But when a thunder storm moves in, he quivers and shakes and starts to pant like crazy.  Yes, I do have a Thunder Jacket for him, but I had left it in the church, and I was too tired to go out and get it.  I tired petting him, and talking to him telling him it’s gonna be OK, but nothing was working.  I crawled into bed, and for the first time since I moved into the camper, I swear that dog was about to jump into bed with me, if he could have done it.  He did manage to squeeze around the little storage tower next to the bed, (believe me, it’s a very small space) and got so he was right next to me on the floor.  When it started to rain, he started to bark.  I actually found it comical. Poor dog was so terrified, and he thought barking at the rain pounding on the roof was going to stop it. I finally got him calmed down and he curled up next to me on the floor by the bed and went to sleep. This spot of course is only about 12” wide, but maybe the tightness of it all made him feel a little more secure.

   I awoke, from the little sleep I did get, to feeling rather cold.  The furnace again, running but not working.  It’s been this random problem, where it will start, but not fire, and just blow cold air.  The only thing I’ve found so far that ‘fixes’ it, is to get up, turn it off, and wait a minute or so, then turn it back on.  Usually does the job.  So as I got up to do that this morning, and was  walking through the camper, I stepped in wet carpet.  Yup, every spot that could leak, leaked.  My one spot I was suspicious that could leak, and where I had run out of roof sealer last time I tried to fix the roof, was soaked.  Thankfully everything in that cupboard, was in plastic containers.  All around my slide-out was also soaked.  The storage area under the couch soaked.  And of course everything in the storage area also soaked. Later I found both windows in the bedroom have leaked, and the carpets were soaked there too.

   I’m so thankful for the rain, as I know we need it so bad, but it’s looking like I’m going to need to do some repair work, on my tiny little camper/home soon.

   I’m not complaining, it’s just part of the adventure. It’s part of life. We can learn it’s useless to bark at the rain we can do nothing about.  It’s silly to be afraid of thunder which can not hurt you, but only makes noise.  We can also learn to repair the small leaks in our life, if left unattended, can cause major damage through out, and mold will set in and destroy. 

   Hope your day leak proof and thunder-less today!

55 years of Thankfulness!

 

Me and my curly top hair that first year.

Today I turn 55, I believe every year of my life I have something to be thankful for, so I’m going to try to list, as best as I can remember what I can be thankful for in that year.

Year:

1- I was born into a good family that loved me and thought I was adorable! Yah, I was a really cute baby with a ton of curly hair! 

2- My Mom and Dad along with my three older sisters thought I was adorable and were teaching me all kinds of things.

3- Though sometimes I was naughty (what three year old isn’t) my Mom and Dad were firm in their discipline to teach me right from wrong

4- When people asked my Mom what my name was she loved to tease me and say “George” to which I would cry and say, no it’s ‘Kelley'.  Why am I thankful for that? Cause it’s a nickname that has stuck through the years and it was just a way of Mom showing her love with a playful name to me.

5- I was thankful to get to attend ‘Kindergarten’ for a few weeks at the country school house just a mile or so from my house.  My older sisters and a few neighbor kids were also there.  I’m thankful that I got younger brother this year too.

6- Every day I was thankful to sit in school at the country school and learn things from Mrs Olander, and look out those big windows to the lovely prairie and Missouri River

7- School was wonderful, and recess at the old country school was so fun. I even got to ring the bell when recess was done, what a privilege.

8- Though I was terrified to go to school in town at the big school of Lewis and Clark, kind family friends made me feel welcome, Lori Setterlund, Diane Willis, and Benji Dove all made life a little easier for me.

9- I had a wonderful teacher named Mrs Bond who so encouraged me in my art work.  I would bring her my drawings and she’d hang them on the bulletin board, like it was a work from Michelangelo.

10- Though I still didn’t understand fractions and division very well, and failed at gym class all the time, I was starting to love to write & read, for that I am thankful.

11- The best year of my life, when I met Jesus as my Lord.  I am so thankful for salvation, and the Maranatha Coffee House, that taught me so much about Jesus.

12- I started playing guitar and singing with "Sweet Love”  What a wonderful time we had singing for Jesus

13- Though Jr High can be tough, I’m thankful for my friends at the Coffee House that helped me take a stand for Jesus, even though I was made fun for it, by my classmates.

14- I was so thankful for the Fellowship of Maranatha Coffee House, and learning to lead people in worship time.

15- I was thankful to get to see more of the country when we went to Maine to see my Mom’s family who lives there. What a beautiful country we live in!  

16- I’m thankful I had fallen in love with music.  Band and Choir were my focus points of High School.  I especially was thankful for the opportunity to be going to a school that had a Marching Band that preformed at Half Time. Why else would one go to a football game?!

17- So thankful for the wonderful Choir teacher I had, Mr Franke, who always encouraged me in singing and playing guitar.  Though I’m a self taught guitarist, Mr Franke did give me a few private lessons in High School, and taught me things I don’t think I would have learned on my own.

18- So thankful for a wonderful Art teacher, that encouraged me in my art work.  Though I almost failed the sculpting section, my drawing was expanding and growing. I was also thankful that I was Student Council President.  Though I won the election by default (no one ran against me), and I was terrified every time I had to stand in front of the Student Body and speak, I’m thankful that it put the confidence in me, that I can do this, and not die in the process!-  Was so thankful to graduate with honors from High School!!

19- Thankful for my year at Moorhead State University.  I’m thankful for my life long friend (then roommate) Lisa.  Thankful for the opportunity to travel to Europe with the Choir, even though I hadn’t even made Choir (but had the Chamber Choir). Thankful I could learn music fast, as I had to learn it all in about two weeks.

20- Thankful for my summer at Circle C Ranch, that eventually lead me to going to Shiloh Training Institute in Montana. 

21- Thankful that I met and married my best friend; Todd Reuer. Life with Todd was always an adventure.  Thankful that Todd survived a terrible head-on car accident, and walked away with only a scratch. God was teaching me the power of prayer!

22- Though I missed the mountains, I was thankful to be back on the prairie in South Dakota with Todd

23- Thankful to be traveling and ministering with Wayne Buechler Evangelistic Ministry. What a great learning time!

24- Thankful to spend another summer at Circle C Ranch ministering to kids and adults and filing their hearts with the love of Jesus.  

25- Thankful for the year we spent in Steele ND, helping start the Word of Faith Church there. Such wonderful life long friends we met there.

26- Thankful for the opportunity to travel with Pastor Tim Davidson to various outreaches.  We lead worship and he preached.  Such good times we had. Thankful to have moved to Hazen to start another church there.

27- Thankful for the birth of my first child the day after my birthday! What a joy to have a son! Tyson James is truly a gift from Heaven.

28- Thankful for the opportunity to have traveled overseas to South East Asia. What a life changing trip for me.  The world is so much bigger than my little world here on the prairie. Thankful that we were able to take Tyson with, his first missionary journey, at the age of one!

29- Thankful to have the opportunity to live and pastor in Kenmare, ND and start Grace Christian Fellowship.  How we loved the wonderful people in Kenmare.

30- Thankful for the birth of my second son! Philip John what a joy you brought to our lives with all your silliness and activity.  What fun it was to raise not one, but two sons!  Was also thankful to get to travel on another mission trip to Mexico, with both the boys along. Putting missions into their hearts at an early age.

31- Thankful that I got to teach music at the Mobridge Area Christian School. What fun we had with our musicals!

32- Thankful to be able to lead worship at Family Fellowship Center in Timber Lake, SD. So thankful to work with Pastors Diana and Duane Covey for 15 years!

33- Thankful to be able to live on the ranch, and raise our boys in a ranch setting

34- Thankful that Todd survived a terrible Four Wheeler Accident.  Thankful again for prayer!

35- Thankful for the birth of my only daughter Kristi Grace! What a miracle you are!  You finally brought some lace and fluff into my life. 

36- Thankful to get work for Howard and Darlene Harrison for the next 10 years.  If I ever get to be a boss, I want to be just like them.  They taught me what it means to treat your employees right! 

37- Thankful for the chance to go to Branson MO with Auntie Kim.  She survived nine days with us all in our pop up camper.  The memories of Silver Dollar City are some of the best. 

38- Thankful for my homeschool friends. What a wonderful bunch of people. Thankful for the Oahe Area Home Educators (OAHE) group, I was able to start and lead for many years.  Though I lead it, it would have been nothing without all the other moms, who were the team support. We sure put one some fun Musicals and Plays!

39- Thankful for my stadium seat my kids gave me for Christmas, as I spent so much time on bleachers cheering on my kids at rodeos, basketball, baseball, football, and track meets. Thanks kids for saving my back and butt!

40- Thankful for each of the kids achievements on the field, arena or in the class room. My kids are awesome! 

41- Thankful that Todd survived another devastating accident, though this one left him never the same, with a Traumatic Brain Injury.  

42- Thankful that God kept us safe with so many miles we travels to ball games and rodeos.  With nothing more than one flat tire for all those years! (well, there might have been more than one flat tire come to think of it.)

43- Thankful for friends that loved to do things with me, like make cards, and scrap book. Always expanding my creative side.  My South Dakota friends are some of my best!  Love and miss them!

44- Thankful for one of my favorite family vacations we ever took.  Spent a week in the Black Hills in our little pop up camper with just Todd and the kids.  What wonderful memories.

45- Thankful that I graduated my first child from our Country Faith Home School.  He did well, and was a normal, smart kid.  

46- Thankful for Tyson to get to attend a year at Christ For the Nations in Dallas Tx, and we got to go visit him there.  What a long drive though! 

47- Thankful that we got to minister under Pastor Rick and Melanie Taylor in Limon CO.  My life was eternally  changed by the impact of them in my life.  So thankful for their friendship and support.  

48- Though saddened by the loss of Pastor Rick and daughter Bethany’s lives, I am so thankful I knew them.  This was an incredibly hard year for me.  Todd’s memory was deteriorating at a quickening pace, and we again moved across country, back to North Dakota. I’m thankful for loving parents that let us live in our horse trailer in their yard  and the kids in their house.

49- So thankful that Philip graduated from Napoleon High School and won a scholarship for football and track to college at Valley City State University! So proud of him!

50- Another incredibly hard year, as Todd was diagnosed as being in severe dementia, one of the finally stages of dementia.  I still remember walking out of the hospital with him, holding his hand in the pouring rain, and singing to him, “I’ll walk in the rain by your side…” (For Bobby by John Denver)  Again thankful that my parents took us in, and let us live with them, as Todd’s life was slipping away.

51- Thankful for my family that supported and loved me, as life was getting more and more bizarre with the effects of dementia on Todd.

52- The toughest year of my life, as it was riddled with no sleep and constant care of Todd. The year hurt more and more, as Todd went from being in the hospital and having two major seizures to nursing home care.  I am thankful for the wonderful care the Tioga Nursing Home gave him, though I felt ripped apart being so far away from him, and exhausted by the constant travel to go and see him.  But nothing prepared me for the devastating call on Dec 22, when he breathed his last breath, and went home to heaven.  I am thankful to God who gives comfort when no one else can.

53- I’m thankful to the Lord, for helping me begin to walk this road of Widowhood.  It was a year of many tears and travel, as the Lord sent me on a journey back to the places that meant a lot to Todd and I, to bring healing to my hurting heart. Thankful that Philip graduated from VCSU with honors!

54- I’m thankful for the joy of Kristi, and her graduating from our Country Faith Homeschool, and heading off to Bible College in Wyoming.  This ended 22 years of homeschooling for me, and closed another chapter in my life.  Though so tough to be all alone, I’m thankful for the new doors God has opened for me in pastoring Alive Christian Fellowship in Kenmare, ND.  

55- Brings me to today, and how thankful I am in all God has done in my life!  

As I look over my list, I see the pattern of one of the most repeated things I’m thankful for and that’s my parents.  I want to say on today, my 55th birthday, how much I love and appreciate them.  They have constantly loved me, and my family, and have always shown unbiased love to each of us “Shaw” kids.  They never played favorites, and were constant in their love and discipline.  In a world that’s riddled with divorce, my parents showed what it means to stay together, even when times are tough.  They gave such an incredible roll model for me as a wife and mother.  I’m thankful too for my siblings.  Though we’re all so different, there isn’t one of them I wouldn’t lay down my life for.  I’ve seen so many families that can’t stand their siblings, but I have to say, I love each of them deeply.  I attribute that love back to my parents again, who always kept harmony in our home.  Love you Mom and Dad, and thanks for bringing me into this world!!  

Where's Kelley?

  

Office space I made under the storage area at the Church.  Hours of sorting and cleaning, but it was well worth it!

  Did you ever search for Waldo in the 'Where’s Waldo?' books?  My daughter always thought those were so fun when she was younger, and we had one book that was a constant companion in our van for years, entertaining the kids as we put more miles on our vehicles than I care to share.

   Lately, I’ve had it asked of me several times, “So where are you now?”  and also, “Did you sell your house?”  When asked for my address lately, I’m not really sure what to give either.  So here’s the run down of where I am at the time of this writing. (Jan 12, 2016)

   I’m house-sitting for someone up in Kenmare (actually Tolley) and that’s where I’m at most of the time.  I’ve put a lot of miles on my vehicle in the last couple of months going back and forth between Kenmare and Bismarck, where, yes, I still own my home.  I did pull it from the market for right now, and 15 minutes after I pulled it off the market had a full asking price offer, but I turned it down.  My boys especially were wanting me to wait and not rush into anything.  The offer to house sit opened up right after that. I’m staying in a beautiful new farm home, enjoying wonderful sunrises, and the peace and quiet of the country. Quite a bit quieter after living between Century Avenue and I-94 for the last 2 1/2 years.  

    Quito has been with me the last month.  I’m sure we’re the only church in the state that has a dog in every service. So far so good.  He actually seems to have his own ‘ministry’ and often goes up to someone who is hurting, and lays his head in their lap.  So far everyone has been ok with it.  The first Sunday in church, I thought he might be bothering someone, and I said to him, “Quito. Come. Sit. Stay.”  He came and sat at my feet as I began to preach.  I looked at everyone then said, “I bet that’s not the normal words out of a pastors mouth on a Sunday morning, but maybe it should be.”  Everyone had a chuckle on that one.  Maybe more of us need to “Come, Sit and Stay” especially at the feet of Jesus.

    For now, since I don’t have an address here, I’m using the Church’s PO Box for an address.  But then again, everyone living in Kenmare has a PO Box, as there is no home delivery available within city limits.  

    I’ve been very busy adjusting to the life of a pastor.  Which not only involves learning to hear from God and give a sermon, but how to mop floors and scrub toilets, which I am already quite skilled at, having years of training in that area.  It’s listening to people pour out their hurts and pains, and you just want to cry with them, but also give them hope that through Christ there is an answer.  

   So through all the adjustments and even the constant traveling back and forth, and not living in my own home, I have to say, Life is good, cause God is good!  I’m still in a time of ‘living limbo’ but I know that too is also temporary.  

   If you can’t find me, just look for Quito, I’m sure I’m close by.