Facing Fears and a Blank Canvas

Facing the blank canvas

   

   I’ve struggled most of my life with insecurity, which I think is actually intimidation and fear in disguise.  That insecurity of not doing it right or good enough, has kept me from often doing things really in my heart to do. 

   In other areas I often jump in and start doing something not having a clue as to how to do it, but knowing somehow by God’s grace I can.   Recently I met a friend at Mendards when I was buying something to fix something in my house.  I confessed I had no clue how to fix it, but I was gonna try, since I lacked anyone to help me.  My friend laughed and said, “Has not knowing how to do something ever stopped you from anything Kelley?”  I laughed and said, “I guess not.”  But fear has stopped me, in many area from even starting.

    Last year, I found a few portraits stored under Kristi’s bed that I had done in high school. Two in pointillism and one done in coffee.  In High School and College, I was a fairly good artist, but to be truthful, I’ve hardly picked up a paint brush or drawing pencil in years. I’ve done a few quick simple paintings as a sermon illustration but that’s about it.  The other day I was talking to two young girls here in Kenmare about art, and it came out of my mouth, “I’ve had a painting rolling around in my head and heart for a couple of years, but I’m afraid to pick up the brush again, what if I can’t do this anymore?”  At that moment, I identified why I put it off. I was afraid.  Afraid of failure. So one way to make sure I won’t fail is, to never start. Right? Wrong!

   Never starting because I’m afraid, is the same as failing. I’ll never succeed unless I try.  So this afternoon, I faced my fear.  Seriously I was shaking.  Can I still do this?  

   I spent the afternoon and evening at the easel first with a sketch pencil, then with a paint brush and jar of Sanka Coffee.  By the way, this is the same jar of Sanka I used in High School to do that other painting.  Price stamped on top of the jar is: $1.36.  You guessed it, I don’t get rid of things easily, especially if it’s still useful.  And this jar of Sanka was never meant to be drank, only paint with.

   My sketch wasn’t perfect, actually ended up a little ‘squatty’ looking, but I finished about 11 pm.  It is the painting I’ve imagined for the last few years.  It’s not perfect, but it is completed, and that’s the best part.

   I use to have a saying in High School and College the only thing coffee is good for is to paint with.  Tonight I found that true again.  Interesting enough, this past week, I felt strongly from the Lord, not to have any coffee to drink.  Maybe His reasoning was for my health reasons more, but in ‘fasting’ the coffee to drink, I actually found something deep within me again, my love for art and the feel of the paint brush in my hand.  I’d forgotten just how good it feels.  It’s somehow part of finding the Kelley that’s been in hiding, and too fearful to try again.

   I thank God, for this day, when I know I’m set free from that fear that’s holding me back from being who I really am.  Free to let the gift out that’s inside me. Not only in my art, but many other areas.  Cause like all gifts inside people, the gift is not for the one who carry’s it, but it’s for others.  I enjoyed painting a picture, but now others can enjoy the painting too.

   Don’t let fear hold you back from what’s inside.  Open up your heart and let the gift of God within you come out for all to see and enjoy. 

   I also found out, my sun room in my house is the most wonderfully lighted art studio one could ever wish for, well, at least till it got dark outside that is. 

Sketching the rough draft

Finished painting.  Todd and Quito.

   

Lessons from a Retired Cattle Dog

My crazy old dog all dressed up being a 'cowboy' 

   Quito has been in retirement for some time now, and has adjusted to the life of a 'city dog' quite well. I think he truly enjoys the pleasure of getting to be 'in the house,' compared to his  Cowdog life of always being in the barn or garage on the ranch.  But as an elderly dog, he has taken on a few irrational fears, but still not uncommon to the canine breed.

  Thunder and fireworks are an evil enemy, nothing short of comparing them to a terrorist or a demon in Quito's doggy mind.  A couple nights ago, I learned something from his terror though.

   It was 2 am, and I was sleeping fitfully in my camper (still my home at the moment), and trying to find a comfortable position in my not so comfortable mattress.  My lower back again aching from the awful support.  I shifted over to another portion of the bed and tried to fall back to sleep. Suddenly without warning, Quito jumped into the bed and snuggled up as close as he could to me, shaking and trembling in fear. Maybe he saw a spider!   

    Now you have to understand, he has never gotten on my bed before, although he has tried a couple of times.  I tried, without success to get him off, but he was not budging.  Now remember he is a 65 pound dog, so pushing him off the bed is no easy feat for me. I finally gave up and let him stay, panting, drooling, slobbering all over my sheets.  His whole body was shaking.  There was no fireworks outside, and from my ears, no thunder. What was his problem?  About 20 minutes later, I heard the first rumble. And yes, but this time, I had checked the radar on my phone, and knew a storm was approaching. As you can see, I don't really need a weather alert radio (I do have one though) cause I have a weather alert dog.

   When the thunder and lightening and rain moved in, a strange thing happened to Quito.  He suddenly calmed down, breathing went to almost normal, and I think he even fell asleep for a bit.  What?!  All this panic, and then calm when it hit?

    I got to thinking of how many times I've done that. Feared what was coming, only to find out when it hit it really wasn't that bad, and calmed down while walking through it.  The fear of the unknown gets us more than we like to admit doesn't it? 

    On Sunday, July 3, I came down to Bismarck to spend the 4th with my family and son. I made my annual trip to Art in the Park in Mandan, always a highlight of the 4th for me.  This time, I had Quito with, so it was also the shortest trip through Art in the Park for me.  On the way to Art in the Park, I stopped by my cousin's house to say hi, as I had parked in a parking lot close to her house.  

    Quito met several 'friends' in the Park, and I stopped and talked to several other dog owners about fireworks and dogs, and how they just don't mix too well.  After my quick trip though the show, I headed back to my vehicle.  As I passed by my cousin's house, Quito made a quick turn up their side walk, and was pulling on his lease for me to go that way.  I was amazed. It's not like he's ever been there before except for our brief stop earlier.  We'd passed by lots of houses, and how did he know that was her house?  I didn't stop, but went on to the parking lot. Which was fairly full of other SUV's similar to mine. I said, "Ok, Quito, find our car."  He went right up to our car, and stood at the back door waiting to be let in. I was truly amazed.  Sometimes I can't even find my own car in a parking lot, but here my dog can!  Maybe my Mom is right, she always says, "It's scary having Quito around, cause I think he's smarter than me."  Well, he really isn't Mom, but he sure is a smart dog. 

     Speaking of my Mom, if I just say to Quito, "Want to go to the farm?" He gets so excited he literally jumps!  He loves my Mom and Dad as much as they love him.  Of course part of it maybe that they let him come into the house now, at least as far as the laundry room and kitchen. :-) 

    I've learned a lot from this old canine.  Don't be afraid of the approaching storm, it really won't be that bad, and always remember where you parked your car. 

    Have a great day! 

    "Bark, bark" from Quito too!

    

Painful Reminders

   

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but we all know, no one looks at my blog without some kind of picture.  

Just saw on Facebook, a 'friend' is celebrating their 34th Anniversary, and another friend was celebrating that it was 40 years ago today that he proposed to his wife, and she said yes.  Though I rejoice with both of these friends, and celebrate their long marriages, it also comes as a painful reminder, that I don't get another anniversary, or proposal celebration.  For me, the anniversaries stopped 10 days short of 32 years, and likewise the proposal celebrations (4th of July for me).  How does one, as a widow, celebrate with my friends, yet, work through the pain in my own heart, knowing there is no more for me?  Only by the grace of God.  Each day is reminder of how I have to face it alone, without my cowboy by my side.  

    How do I make it though another major 'move' in my life, but this time without Todd?  How to I embrace this new start, knowing that it's truly is a new day, but that new day means I'm alone?   When others get to move on in life with their loved one by their side, I get to move on with only a memory.  It's these times that I run to my Father God, and cling to Him for comfort that only can give.  I know that sounds real cheesy, and 'religiously spiritual' (if that's a thing) but it's all the same true.   

   Yes, I know there are those in this world, who have chosen to be single, and enjoy it.  There are others who are single, cause they just never found their special one.  There are others who are single because they couldn't bear the pain and abuse of being together anymore.  There are those of us who are single and alone, who by no fault of our own, have found ourselves in this spot. It's just what life handed us, and we have to learn to live with it, or more correctly live without them.

    I just sometimes wonder of my happy friends who are celebrating, do they really know what they have, are they holding it precious and dear?  Are they taking advantage of their loved one, not in a mean way, but just in a familiar way?  Knowing they're always there for them?  Do they really realize how short and precious life is?  I know other widows and widowers who have come to this same realization as me, and know the heart renching pain of loosing the love of your life, and wish they could have one more day, one more talk with them.  

    Recently I ran into an old friend here in Kenmare.  Yes, old in age, and in time knowing. We went on a mission trip to Mexico together. Him and his wife and Todd and I and our boys and another couple from Kenmare, along with our missionary friends.  My old friend just lost his wife last summer.  I could see the pain of loss in his eyes.  After visiting with him, my first thought was, "Oh I can't wait to tell Todd I ran into him."  Then I realized, I can't tell Todd, cause he's not here.  I mentioned this to my daughter and made the comment, "I wonder how long I will have those thoughts?  Every time I run into someone Todd and I knew together, I think I can't wait to tell Todd." Kristi's wise reply, was "Probably will happen for a long time Mom, cause you had 32 years of always telling Dad everything."   I do believe she's right.  Those old habits are hard to break.  Communication was one of our strengths, till his ability to communicate was lost.  But that didn't mean I didn't keep trying.  I still talked to him and told him things just like I always had, hoping he could understand, wishing he could communicate back with me. 

       I guess I have no great words of wisdom, nor great comfort for those grieving too.  Life sometimes is just hard, but on the flip side, God is good, and I know He's not through with me yet.  There will be better days ahead, although they won't be lived with Todd by my side.  There will be new adventures to live, but I'll share them alone.  The Lord, has truly become my constant companion, a husband to the widow.   He is one I can always talk to, and he does bring comfort.  

      My dog is noisily snoring in the corner of my camper, the aroma of wet dog still lingering on his fur following his 'bath' today. (By the way don't say 'bath' in front of Quito, it causes him to run away.  I've taken to spelling it, so he won't know what I'm planning.  He's smart, but he doesn't know how to spell thankfully.)  He's reminding me it's late, and I should go to bed, for tomorrow is another day. 

     Blessings to your day!  

  

Barking at the Rain

Quito laying on his blanket this morning amidst the various wet items laid out to dry that got soaked in the storage area under the couch.

   

About the time I went to bed last night, Quito started his nervous panting.  The ‘scared’ season has begun.  If you don’t have a dog that’s scared of thunder you won’t understand.  In so many ways this dog is fearless. He’ll bark down anything, and step in and protect the smallest and weakest of the crowd. Don’t believe me? Just act like you’re chasing a toddler in front of Quito, and you’re going to find a growling dog between you and the toddler.  He will protect if he even thinks you mean to harm in the slightest way.  But when a thunder storm moves in, he quivers and shakes and starts to pant like crazy.  Yes, I do have a Thunder Jacket for him, but I had left it in the church, and I was too tired to go out and get it.  I tired petting him, and talking to him telling him it’s gonna be OK, but nothing was working.  I crawled into bed, and for the first time since I moved into the camper, I swear that dog was about to jump into bed with me, if he could have done it.  He did manage to squeeze around the little storage tower next to the bed, (believe me, it’s a very small space) and got so he was right next to me on the floor.  When it started to rain, he started to bark.  I actually found it comical. Poor dog was so terrified, and he thought barking at the rain pounding on the roof was going to stop it. I finally got him calmed down and he curled up next to me on the floor by the bed and went to sleep. This spot of course is only about 12” wide, but maybe the tightness of it all made him feel a little more secure.

   I awoke, from the little sleep I did get, to feeling rather cold.  The furnace again, running but not working.  It’s been this random problem, where it will start, but not fire, and just blow cold air.  The only thing I’ve found so far that ‘fixes’ it, is to get up, turn it off, and wait a minute or so, then turn it back on.  Usually does the job.  So as I got up to do that this morning, and was  walking through the camper, I stepped in wet carpet.  Yup, every spot that could leak, leaked.  My one spot I was suspicious that could leak, and where I had run out of roof sealer last time I tried to fix the roof, was soaked.  Thankfully everything in that cupboard, was in plastic containers.  All around my slide-out was also soaked.  The storage area under the couch soaked.  And of course everything in the storage area also soaked. Later I found both windows in the bedroom have leaked, and the carpets were soaked there too.

   I’m so thankful for the rain, as I know we need it so bad, but it’s looking like I’m going to need to do some repair work, on my tiny little camper/home soon.

   I’m not complaining, it’s just part of the adventure. It’s part of life. We can learn it’s useless to bark at the rain we can do nothing about.  It’s silly to be afraid of thunder which can not hurt you, but only makes noise.  We can also learn to repair the small leaks in our life, if left unattended, can cause major damage through out, and mold will set in and destroy. 

   Hope your day leak proof and thunder-less today!