Hearing the Sounds and Update on Todd in Tioga Sept 17 am

 
Sitting here on Tande's porch, I hear the sound of geese and ducks honking their calls, of cows mooing off in the distance.  The birds are calling out their cries as they fly over the lake.  Listening closer there are crickets and frogs, bringing forth their songs.  I'm starting to hear the rustle of the grass as the wind picks up.  I hear the dogs playing in the drive way.  Off in the distance, the roar of semi's rolling down the road, clicking as they pass over the joints in the highway, the hustle and bustle of this oil field life.  Some sounds so easy to hear, others you have to focus on to really catch it.  

But there's a sound my ears can't pick up, the sounds of The Lord speaking in a still small voice, not the sounds my natural ears hear, but sounds of the Spirit that only my spirit can hear.  Those are the sounds I so need to hear.  Sometimes life can so clog my hearing, life gets busy and messy, and my hearing gets faint.  Help me to hear.

    Now I hear the sounds of the dogs claws clicking on the deck while they come to where I'm sitting, I think my quiet has ended. :-)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ... Your strength comes from God’s grace,... . (Hebrews 13:8, 9 NLT)

My strength will come from God's grace. My verse for today.   God I need your divine influence in my life today! 

Update on Todd

  We arrived in Tioga about 1:30 yesterday. My Dad drove us up here in his vehicle.  Todd slept till about Minot, and was fairly peaceful till we got close to Tioga and then he started to try to get the door open and get out of the car.  

   He was extremely agitated on entering the Nursing Home, which we all kind of expected to happen.  Within the first half hour or so he managed to  break the faucet in the bathroom in his room.  (the water up here is very corrosive, and it must have been fairly corroded, so when he grabbed it, he just bent it over (Todd is still VERY strong).  

   I had to meet and sign papers with several people.  While meeting with one of them, Todd managed to pull down his pants and pee in the lobby.  This is so hard for me to understand as Todd has always been the most modest person I have ever known.  Just ask my boys, they can't even count on one hand the number of times they've seen their Dad in his shorts.  That just wasn't proper to Todd.  Now because of all this awful disease, he's dropping his pants in public and peeing.  My heart breaks more.

    Todd paced up and down the hall ways, and kept entering other residents rooms.  Either I or one of the CNA's kept having to get him out.  He was acting very angry at me.  He kept pushing me away when I tried to walk with him.  At one point he grabbed my hand and tried to pull my wedding ring off.  I told him "No, I'm always your wife, this does not mean I do not love you." I tried to tell him that I don't want this any more than he does.  My heart broke some more.

    At one point a man who was there visiting his mother came up to me and said, "Is that guy, gonna keep going into people's rooms?"  (Todd had walked into his mother's room I guess).  I replied back to him "That 'guy' is my husband, and yes, he probably will do that for awhile." and then I walked away crying. (I guess I looked like a staff member as I had on white pants and a white shirt jacket, today I'll make sure I'm in jeans)  The man did come up and apologize, sort of, for his comments.  He said it just scared his mother when Todd came in.

    Early this morning I got a call from the nursing home that they had found Todd on the floor about 4:30 this morning.  It looked like he had fallen.  They're not sure what had happened, as he had been sleeping in his bed.  His knees are red like that's where he hit when he fell, but other than that they couldn't find any other injury.

    We did get a visit yesterday, from a Pastor Jeremy from the Assembly church in Tioga.  He brought Todd a nice arrangement of flowers with a cowboy boot in it. How kind and thoughtful of him.  God bringing strangers into our lives, to help and stand with us.

    I can't begin to tell you how my heart breaks for Todd.  I know I'm not alone in this world in having to put a loved one in a nursing home, but when he's only 52, there's just something that makes it even harder.  Just by looking at Todd you would never know there's anything wrong. He's still as good looking as he was when we first met and married. (how come he still looks the same, and I don't? sigh...)  As hard as this is for Todd to adjust to this change, it's also hard for me.  I fight constantly the feelings that I've betrayed my best friend.  I have to constantly go back to the Word of God where it says  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way." (Proverbs 3:5, 6 GNT)   Todd loved this translation of this verse. "Never rely on what you think you know." 

 Trust.  Something that's easily said, but not so easily done.    May I today learn to trust Him even more.

     Thank you again for letting me bare my heart in public. This is not easy to do.  I'm not perfect, I struggle daily living this life just like you probably do.   I know so many of you love Todd very much, and want to be informed as to how he is, for those that don't care for him or me, I doubt you're taking the time to read any way.  

Turquoise and Sapphires

Suffering city, you have been beaten by storms. You have not been comforted. I will rebuild you with turquoise stones. I will rebuild your foundations with sapphires. (Isaiah 54:11 NIRV)

This was a scripture that 'came alive' to me over a month ago.  I felt like that suffering city and being beaten by storms and the worst of the storm hadn't even begun then.  But the part that really spoke to my heart was  the rebuilding with turquoise stones and sapphires.  I believe the translation I was reading in that day called it: lapis lazuli.   I remember reading that and thinking what in the world is lapis lazuli?  I don't know many precious stones, and I don't know if that's a common name for one.  So I looked in other translations and the Bible dictionary and found most of them translated the word as sapphires. Now I do know what sapphires are.  Todd and I use to live in the Sapphire Mountains when we were first married.  But I'm sorry to say I never went mining for a sapphire (how ever it's done) but I did know someone who did.  Always have thought sapphires to be really pretty, and of course turquoise too.  But leaving all that behind, when I was reading this scripture, I 'saw' in my minds eye this pretty ring or necklace with a sapphire in the middle and turquoise all around it.  And had this sense of God saying "I'll rebuild you with these precious stones as your foundation."  I don't think He was really talking about real stones either.  I think what God was trying to minister to my heart was even though I'm in a suffering 'city' and beaten by this storm of life, He can rebuild my life and the foundation would be so solid, it would be as precious stones.  

    I remember sharing this scripture with a dear lady at our church, telling her what I 'saw' and what I felt The Lord was trying to encourage me with.  This morning when I got to church, she came up to me with a gift bag and told me I needed to open it up right away.  Well, I found a gift card for Kristi in there for Barnes and Nobles (Kristi's favorite place you know, it full of books!) and there was this really nice card and some cash in the bag signed by many families in the church. I thanked her and said that was so thoughtful.  She told me to keep looking as there was more in the bag.  I finally found the coolest box I have ever seen (three sided and looked like blue silk). I couldn't figure out how to open it when she told me to squeeze the ends. When I did, out dropped this very cool and beautiful necklace, with a sapphire colored  blue stone in the middle with 5 turquoise colored stones surrounding it.  I just cried.  She said they had put a turquoise stone for each member of my family. Todd and I and the three kids.  It is  now a constant reminder of how God is on our side rebuilding our lives.  Do I see it yet manifested in the natural? No, not really, but I am hopeful and have the promise of His word and that should be enough to hold me in my right now, at this moment time.  Tomorrow, I'll have that days 'now'.

     Thank you Word of Faith Church! You are a caring loving church. I know many of you have been praying for us.  Thank you so much.

     So if you life is battered by the storms of life too, know that there's a rebuilding that God wants to do in you too. Building beautiful Sapphires and turquoise in your foundation.

      Again I want to thank all those who have stopped and visited Todd these five long weeks in the hospital.  My sisters Debbie and Kim, who where there so much with me and Kristi, singing and praying.  Pastor Tim, Pastor Dom, Pastor Jonathan and Pam (Pricilla and Daniel too), Pastor Deanna,  My Mom, LaRue and Tracie, Becky, Pat, Keith, Ellene, Lee, Pat F, Theresa, and anyone else I missed.  Thank you again to Pastor Dom and Linda, who came to my house when I felt I was falling apart, and couldn't breath another breath. They helped me to catch my breath, and know that God was breathing life into me.

    The story is not over, but we're turning the chapter.  We'll have to find a new normal in our life. Though I don't know if that's possible. But then again, normal is only a setting on your dryer.

A Request   

  Many people have asked if there's anything they can do for us.  I hate to even ask, and it's kind of a strange request, but ever since we moved in and gotten settled in our house, I've had this pile of boxes of stuff I was planning on rummage saling on Pow Wow weekend (last weekend).  There was no way I could do that with Todd in the hospital.  Now with him being so far away, We'll probably be spending a lot of our weekends up in Tioga with him. The problem is I really want to have my garage space back before winter sets in.  (Kristi wants to park her car inside too).  If there's anyone who has the skill and ability, and actually likes to do those things, to put on a rummage sale for me with all this stuff.  Who knows if anyone would even want any of it, but it's worth trying.  I really lack skill in this area, since it's been about 20 years since I've had a rummage sale.  But if it's something someone would really like to do, let me know.             

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

  We've all heard that phase, turning lemons into lemonade.  But the process of doing that is a little more difficult.

 Just think of it from the lemons perspective! 

It must be squeezed till all that makes it a lemon is squeezed out, then it must be diluted down and then finally sweetened, chilled and served. 

    Col 4: 5 says it like this "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders, make the most of every opportunity." (NIV) The 'making the most of every opportunity', is what hit me.  I believe KJV says "To redeem the time." 

  In Vine's it says of this verse and the word REDEEM:  "buying up the opportunity. "Redeeming the time," Time being "a season" i.e. Making the most of every opportunity, turning each to the best advantage since not can be recalled if missed.

   So Lord teach me to make the most of every opportunity. Turning this to the best advantage, since this day, this opportunity will never be here again.

    The actual process by which I turn this lemon of time I'm in right now into something sweet and refreshing is the part that's really hard.  I guess it gets down to am I going to get bitter or better, the only  difference in those two words is "i".  It's up to me.  Can I make the most of this time?  Will I? Should I?  Yes, I really should.  The will and can is up to me.

     Can I make the most of packing my husbands clothes up and sending him off to a nursing home almost 4 hours away, where, I know I won't be able to see him very often.  Can I be still be a blessing to him, and those he now will encounter?  Lord please help me to be.  Will all that makes me a lemon be squeezed out and made into a refreshing drink? Lord please help me!  I want to refresh and encourage others that they too can make it through even their darkest nights.  There is a dawn someday, and a new day.  Let the joy come in the morning!

  Lately, I feel I've been squeeze and squeezed, and hit over and over.  I certainly don't know the 'whys' and hard times in life are probably not over (they really don't end till we die).  But there is one thing I know has remained true through it all.  That I can still rejoice in my Lord. Rejoice for all this? NO!  But rejoice in it. There is a big difference.  "Yeh, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me."  I want you to know, I have no intentions of setting up camp in this valley, I'm walking THROUGH it.  And He's with me.

   

They called it good news, but I cried and cried

      Got a call this morning from the social worker at the hospital.  She said she had good news but sort of bad news.  A nursing home in Tioga ND had called and said they would take Todd.  Tioga is about 200 miles from Bismarck, in the heart of the  Bakken Oil Field.  With Medicaid, I'm not given a choice nor can I say "no, I want to wait for something closer."  You have to go where there is an opening.  (I can still have his name on lists here in Bismarck to get him back closer eventually).  

   All I can say, is I cried so hard I collapsed to the floor.  I feel like someone just ripped my heart out.  On this afternoons visit I had to tell Todd what is going to happen.  I took him for a walk outside in the courtyard again off the cafeteria.  We sat down for a little bit and I told him that he was going to be going to a nursing home.  I asked him if he knows what that is, he said yes.  (but he says yes to most any question you ask, so I never know if he's really understanding or not).  I told him the bad news is it's really far away, and I won't be able to see him every day.  I told him the good news is that he won't have to wear these awful hospital clothes anymore, and he can again wear his western shirts and jeans and boots. He had a little smile on that one.  

   I felt he was a little bit better today, he put a couple of words together and was trying to talk a little bit more.  They are taking him off one kind of seizure meds and switching to another, so maybe that is helping.  He was very "busy" tonight, walking the halls.  At one point he was acting like he was looking for something, and I asked him what he was looking for. He said he was "looking for Kelley."  I stooped down and looked up at him (he's still stooped over) and said, "I'm right here. :-)"   

    Does he know I'm there, and still recognize me. I really don't know.  I go anyway.  I sing, and I pray with him, I love him and let him know it.  

    So on Monday, I will have to take him to Tioga, I'm not looking forward to it, or even the thought of him so far away, and having to drive up there in the oil fields.  (if you're from ND you know what this means).  

    I continue to pray for an opening here in Bismarck/Mandan.