An Incrediably hard day for me Sept 20 update

    Last night as I went to bed, I heard the first couple lines of this poem that follows rolling around in my head.  Folks, I don't know how to do this.  There's nothing I've ever been through or learned before that could prepare me for this.  To have to leave Todd today at the nursing home, and drive home, about did me in.  I stood there sobbing next to him while he slept in a recliner, and one of the CNA's came over and put her arms around me and just let me cry on her shoulder.  (she's one of the cute Spanish speaking gals there, although her English is flawless.)  I handed her a piece a paper with this poem on it, that I wrote for Todd, and asked if someone could please read it to him when he wakes up.  I doubt he'll understand it, but I still wanted it read to him.  I had planned on reading it to him myself, but he didn't wake up while I was there, and I needed to get on the road before it was too late.  

     They had told me that he was so unstable this morning, they had to bring him to breakfast in a wheel chair. My heart broke some more.  He slept through lunch.  I called the nursing home tonight and they said, he ate very little at supper and went to bed early again, and was sleeping.  They said he's been talking in his sleep a lot and very loudly.  At first they couldn't figure out who was talking so loud, and then realized it was Todd.  They said his hands were moving and gesturing like he was talking, but it didn't make any sense.  I told them Todd has always talked in his sleep and sometimes has said the funniest things, he once carried on a lengthy phone conversation with someone, and he was totally asleep.

     I made it home by about 5:30 exhausted.  Kristi and I ate some supper, she mowed the lawn, I picked the tomatoes in the garden then took Quito for a walk around the neighborhood.  Everyday things seem so strange to be doing, I felt like I've been through some kind of unreal-world time warp, and I know it's not over.

   Tomorrow Kristi will be the Autumnfest Parade here in Bismarck.  This year she in the front row of the Century Patriot Band. So look for that cute flute  player in the middle.  

  Below is the poem I wrote for Todd last night.

Keeping You in My Heart

How do I live this life apart

I don't know where to start

It's tearing up my heart

You've always been by my side

Our love we did not hide

I thought we always would abide.

But it's more than I can take

I wish that I could make

This life better for your sake.

I'm doing all that I can do

To show you I love you 

Please love me back too.

So in Him I must be strong

To trust you in His arms belong

And worship Him with my song.

So while we are apart

From His love we will not depart

I keep you in my heart.

"May The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent from each other."

Life in a nursing home- Sept 19

   So far the staff at Tioga Nursing Home has been wonderful.  There's staff here from all over the US and the world actually.  It's amazing to find diversification like this in North Dakota, but then again this is the oil field.

    The last few days Todd has been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.  I think his body is trying to make up for 5 horrendous weeks in the hospital not sleeping, compounded upon the months and months at home he was not sleeping. His walking is unsteady, and needs assistance, (not a walker, just a person supporting him sometimes) but I also think this is from the sleep deprivation. I've asked the nurse if they've changed any meds since being here, and they said, actually they aren't even giving him some that the Psych Ward kept giving him to calm him down.  I'm so thankful that this nursing home has a no restraint policy, which means they won't physically restrain him in any way, nor will they with any drugs.  They want people to live the best. I'm so thankful!!  

   He is still on the seizure medication, and I think a sleep aid, but I don't think they've had to give  him the sleep aide a couple nights cause he's been sleeping on his own.

  Some of the other residents think I work there, and keep asking me for things, which I have no idea where or what they're wanting.  Many of them have asked me what's wrong with Todd.  I just tell him he had a head injury, and they seem to understand then.  

   This is not a lock facility as some are, but they have Todd on a Wander Guard.  It looks kind of like a watch band. If Todd gets near a door it locks or if he goes through an open door an alarm will sound.  They also put a bed alarm on his bed, as he fell early Tuesday morning getting out of bed. This way they know if he tries to get up on his own. (he fell again last night, but they said it was more like he just rolled out of bed, so they now have a padded mat beside his bed)

   

   Finally met his roommate James yesterday.  He just had his 90th birthday on Monday.  He said his eyesight is pretty bad.  When I told him that Todd's middle name was James, he smiled, and I said we also had a son with a middle name James.  He seemed to like that.     

 

  It's an interesting experience for me to be here in a nursing home, with Todd.  I've always been afraid of nursing homes, which is kind of weird since Todd and I have ministered in several nursing homes through out the years.  Kristi and I have even gone several times and performed for the nursing home in Napoleon, singing and playing our flutes.  We'd both laugh at ourselves, cause we were so out of our comfort zone.  Now I'm in a totally different position, as my other half is living here.  I suddenly see nursing homes from a totally different view.

   Tonight a group came in and played music. Old country tunes and polkas and waltzs.  I ended up singing with them, although I didn't know one song, but I can harmonize with anything and if you give me the words.  They even pulled me out on the dance floor and got me to dance, oh my! someone has got to teach me how to two step. I'm a complete klutz! 

   We have run into a little snag with Todd, in that he's gained so much weight in the hospital his jeans no longer fit!  He has weighed the same since high school never gaining a pound, until his time at the hospital.  We literally can not get his pants buttoned.  He's eating like crazy, grabbing at any food he finds plus the meals provided.  Several residents have commented on how much he eats.  Yup, Todd has always been able to put away the food.  I told him he was starting to look pudgy like me.(although not as pudgy as me) Now I need to get him bigger jeans.  Never thought I'd ever see that on Todd.

(just trying to get him to smile)

   Tomorrow morning I leave to go home.  Leaving him here will be really hard for me. I know he's in good hands, but just having him so far away is tearing me apart.  Having to learn the meaning of "Trusting the Lord" in a very hard way.

     On another family note, we're still waiting for that grandbaby to be born.  Praying lots for Sarah and baby. Hopefully very soon! She's 6 days over her due date.

Hearing the Sounds and Update on Todd in Tioga Sept 17 am

 
Sitting here on Tande's porch, I hear the sound of geese and ducks honking their calls, of cows mooing off in the distance.  The birds are calling out their cries as they fly over the lake.  Listening closer there are crickets and frogs, bringing forth their songs.  I'm starting to hear the rustle of the grass as the wind picks up.  I hear the dogs playing in the drive way.  Off in the distance, the roar of semi's rolling down the road, clicking as they pass over the joints in the highway, the hustle and bustle of this oil field life.  Some sounds so easy to hear, others you have to focus on to really catch it.  

But there's a sound my ears can't pick up, the sounds of The Lord speaking in a still small voice, not the sounds my natural ears hear, but sounds of the Spirit that only my spirit can hear.  Those are the sounds I so need to hear.  Sometimes life can so clog my hearing, life gets busy and messy, and my hearing gets faint.  Help me to hear.

    Now I hear the sounds of the dogs claws clicking on the deck while they come to where I'm sitting, I think my quiet has ended. :-)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ... Your strength comes from God’s grace,... . (Hebrews 13:8, 9 NLT)

My strength will come from God's grace. My verse for today.   God I need your divine influence in my life today! 

Update on Todd

  We arrived in Tioga about 1:30 yesterday. My Dad drove us up here in his vehicle.  Todd slept till about Minot, and was fairly peaceful till we got close to Tioga and then he started to try to get the door open and get out of the car.  

   He was extremely agitated on entering the Nursing Home, which we all kind of expected to happen.  Within the first half hour or so he managed to  break the faucet in the bathroom in his room.  (the water up here is very corrosive, and it must have been fairly corroded, so when he grabbed it, he just bent it over (Todd is still VERY strong).  

   I had to meet and sign papers with several people.  While meeting with one of them, Todd managed to pull down his pants and pee in the lobby.  This is so hard for me to understand as Todd has always been the most modest person I have ever known.  Just ask my boys, they can't even count on one hand the number of times they've seen their Dad in his shorts.  That just wasn't proper to Todd.  Now because of all this awful disease, he's dropping his pants in public and peeing.  My heart breaks more.

    Todd paced up and down the hall ways, and kept entering other residents rooms.  Either I or one of the CNA's kept having to get him out.  He was acting very angry at me.  He kept pushing me away when I tried to walk with him.  At one point he grabbed my hand and tried to pull my wedding ring off.  I told him "No, I'm always your wife, this does not mean I do not love you." I tried to tell him that I don't want this any more than he does.  My heart broke some more.

    At one point a man who was there visiting his mother came up to me and said, "Is that guy, gonna keep going into people's rooms?"  (Todd had walked into his mother's room I guess).  I replied back to him "That 'guy' is my husband, and yes, he probably will do that for awhile." and then I walked away crying. (I guess I looked like a staff member as I had on white pants and a white shirt jacket, today I'll make sure I'm in jeans)  The man did come up and apologize, sort of, for his comments.  He said it just scared his mother when Todd came in.

    Early this morning I got a call from the nursing home that they had found Todd on the floor about 4:30 this morning.  It looked like he had fallen.  They're not sure what had happened, as he had been sleeping in his bed.  His knees are red like that's where he hit when he fell, but other than that they couldn't find any other injury.

    We did get a visit yesterday, from a Pastor Jeremy from the Assembly church in Tioga.  He brought Todd a nice arrangement of flowers with a cowboy boot in it. How kind and thoughtful of him.  God bringing strangers into our lives, to help and stand with us.

    I can't begin to tell you how my heart breaks for Todd.  I know I'm not alone in this world in having to put a loved one in a nursing home, but when he's only 52, there's just something that makes it even harder.  Just by looking at Todd you would never know there's anything wrong. He's still as good looking as he was when we first met and married. (how come he still looks the same, and I don't? sigh...)  As hard as this is for Todd to adjust to this change, it's also hard for me.  I fight constantly the feelings that I've betrayed my best friend.  I have to constantly go back to the Word of God where it says  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way." (Proverbs 3:5, 6 GNT)   Todd loved this translation of this verse. "Never rely on what you think you know." 

 Trust.  Something that's easily said, but not so easily done.    May I today learn to trust Him even more.

     Thank you again for letting me bare my heart in public. This is not easy to do.  I'm not perfect, I struggle daily living this life just like you probably do.   I know so many of you love Todd very much, and want to be informed as to how he is, for those that don't care for him or me, I doubt you're taking the time to read any way.  

Turquoise and Sapphires

Suffering city, you have been beaten by storms. You have not been comforted. I will rebuild you with turquoise stones. I will rebuild your foundations with sapphires. (Isaiah 54:11 NIRV)

This was a scripture that 'came alive' to me over a month ago.  I felt like that suffering city and being beaten by storms and the worst of the storm hadn't even begun then.  But the part that really spoke to my heart was  the rebuilding with turquoise stones and sapphires.  I believe the translation I was reading in that day called it: lapis lazuli.   I remember reading that and thinking what in the world is lapis lazuli?  I don't know many precious stones, and I don't know if that's a common name for one.  So I looked in other translations and the Bible dictionary and found most of them translated the word as sapphires. Now I do know what sapphires are.  Todd and I use to live in the Sapphire Mountains when we were first married.  But I'm sorry to say I never went mining for a sapphire (how ever it's done) but I did know someone who did.  Always have thought sapphires to be really pretty, and of course turquoise too.  But leaving all that behind, when I was reading this scripture, I 'saw' in my minds eye this pretty ring or necklace with a sapphire in the middle and turquoise all around it.  And had this sense of God saying "I'll rebuild you with these precious stones as your foundation."  I don't think He was really talking about real stones either.  I think what God was trying to minister to my heart was even though I'm in a suffering 'city' and beaten by this storm of life, He can rebuild my life and the foundation would be so solid, it would be as precious stones.  

    I remember sharing this scripture with a dear lady at our church, telling her what I 'saw' and what I felt The Lord was trying to encourage me with.  This morning when I got to church, she came up to me with a gift bag and told me I needed to open it up right away.  Well, I found a gift card for Kristi in there for Barnes and Nobles (Kristi's favorite place you know, it full of books!) and there was this really nice card and some cash in the bag signed by many families in the church. I thanked her and said that was so thoughtful.  She told me to keep looking as there was more in the bag.  I finally found the coolest box I have ever seen (three sided and looked like blue silk). I couldn't figure out how to open it when she told me to squeeze the ends. When I did, out dropped this very cool and beautiful necklace, with a sapphire colored  blue stone in the middle with 5 turquoise colored stones surrounding it.  I just cried.  She said they had put a turquoise stone for each member of my family. Todd and I and the three kids.  It is  now a constant reminder of how God is on our side rebuilding our lives.  Do I see it yet manifested in the natural? No, not really, but I am hopeful and have the promise of His word and that should be enough to hold me in my right now, at this moment time.  Tomorrow, I'll have that days 'now'.

     Thank you Word of Faith Church! You are a caring loving church. I know many of you have been praying for us.  Thank you so much.

     So if you life is battered by the storms of life too, know that there's a rebuilding that God wants to do in you too. Building beautiful Sapphires and turquoise in your foundation.

      Again I want to thank all those who have stopped and visited Todd these five long weeks in the hospital.  My sisters Debbie and Kim, who where there so much with me and Kristi, singing and praying.  Pastor Tim, Pastor Dom, Pastor Jonathan and Pam (Pricilla and Daniel too), Pastor Deanna,  My Mom, LaRue and Tracie, Becky, Pat, Keith, Ellene, Lee, Pat F, Theresa, and anyone else I missed.  Thank you again to Pastor Dom and Linda, who came to my house when I felt I was falling apart, and couldn't breath another breath. They helped me to catch my breath, and know that God was breathing life into me.

    The story is not over, but we're turning the chapter.  We'll have to find a new normal in our life. Though I don't know if that's possible. But then again, normal is only a setting on your dryer.

A Request   

  Many people have asked if there's anything they can do for us.  I hate to even ask, and it's kind of a strange request, but ever since we moved in and gotten settled in our house, I've had this pile of boxes of stuff I was planning on rummage saling on Pow Wow weekend (last weekend).  There was no way I could do that with Todd in the hospital.  Now with him being so far away, We'll probably be spending a lot of our weekends up in Tioga with him. The problem is I really want to have my garage space back before winter sets in.  (Kristi wants to park her car inside too).  If there's anyone who has the skill and ability, and actually likes to do those things, to put on a rummage sale for me with all this stuff.  Who knows if anyone would even want any of it, but it's worth trying.  I really lack skill in this area, since it's been about 20 years since I've had a rummage sale.  But if it's something someone would really like to do, let me know.