Visit with My Dad- Philip's Visit with Todd

Philip and I went up on Wednesday to see Todd and be part of the Tioga Nursing Home Christmas party.  I asked Philip to share his view on the visit and here's what he wrote.

 But here's a few pictures, and keep scrolling down for what Philip wrote.

 Philip was doing a little physical therapy with Todd, some things he had learned when he use to work in a nursing home.

 Holding his Dad's hand.  

“Every moment is a blessing”

 Visit with Dad 

(by Philip Reuer)

It has been a long time ago since I had seen my dad last. Last time I saw my dad, we were laughing and joking (even though it made no sense) and had a really good memory to end with before my adventure to Colorado Springs. In fact, an answer to prayer when I asked God for a miracle in church that morning, I believe he did answer that prayer with a blessing to see him in a joyful state and feeling the warmth of his presence, to hear that wonderful laugh. A laugh I had not heard in a long time. To gaze into his eyes and see how much he appreciated me being there. But when I saw him last Wednesday, I did not have that same feeling. It was a feeling of shock and helplessness. My dad was no longer laughing or smiling. He was staring into space like he was in a trance. At times he would have seconds of realization of alertness and would communicate a non-verbal cue of a nod, smirk, and or a faded smile. Sometimes he would release an “humph” or a “yea”. 

The man I used to dream of beating in a race now can’t walk straight without assistance. The man who used to eat my left overs, now can’t feed himself. It breaks my heart seeing him go through this. I understand that long-term nursing homes are not a pretty place but are necessary. Having worked in one, I promised myself to never go back. But now the man who shaped my roots of who I am, my dad, the man I love and is proud of, is now in the very place I hate the most. It is hard, but also a blessing. I cannot know what the next day may bring forth. I must hold on to every opportunity to remember what the people I love the most are in the moment I am with them, because that will not last forever. Although, it saddens my heart that my dad is in his own cage of entrapment of his mind, I hold onto those nods, smirks, faded smiles, “humph’s” and “yea’s”, because every moment is a blessing and is an answer to prayer.      

 Philip showing Todd the helmet he got from all the player at the AFA with all the Varsity players signatures. Very cool.

 Phil helping his Dad walk

 Todd has become very unstable and weak.  In the last few weeks he has repeatedly fallen while trying to walk or stand by himself.  For his safety, the staff has him in a wheel chair, or walking with staff members assistance.  

 Santa showed up for the Christmas party, and posed for a moment with Todd for a picture. 

Philip sitting with Todd during the gift opening. The shirt in Todd's lap was a gift from one of the CNA's.  A couple of staff members gave him gifts along with the gift I had brought him.

On Thursday all of us (Tyson, Sarah, Kadence, Selah, Philip, Kristi and I) will go up to see Todd.  God so wonderfully provided us a place to stay (a wonderful family in the Tioga Assembly of God said we could stay at their home) and another family from our Church here in Bismarck rented us a van so we could all drive up their together!  I just cried at God's outpouring of love to us.  We also received some unexpected money that will cover the gas to get there.  All I can say is God is good!!  

There has been times when I've wondered where in the world is God in all this, but there other times, I believe He's holding us all in the very palm of his hand in love and tender care.  

Merry Christmas to you all! 

(the 2013 Reuer Christmas Card)

With Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving at a Nursing Home

 Todd getting his Thanksgiving meal. He said it was good.  I could have done without the gravy, but good thing Todd loves gravy.

 Kristi and Todd. We got to sit at a private table in the Lobby Room, so a little more like 'family' time.

Todd checking out what Kristi is doing. She is typing another one of her stories into the laptop. She is an awesome writer!  I am very impressed with what she's been doing. She writes everything by hand in a notebook, and then later types it into the computer.  She said she likes doing it the 'old fashion' way.

As I sit down to write this morning, reflecting back on Thursday and Thanksgiving, I'm really struggling how to write,  for me it was a very difficult day.  It wasn't just the 7 hours of driving, the cold weather, or anything like that, although those were not enjoyable, it was an inner struggle and hurt.   

     Kristi and I got up to Tioga about 11 am shortly before the  dinner meal.   Todd was asleep in the recliner by the nurses station.  The staff said he had been very 'busy' that morning.  But maybe I should back up to Tuesday for you to understand some of my inward struggle.   

     Last week I had met with Dr VJ, and he had agreed to start reducing Todd's meds on Monday.  On Tuesday I received a call from the head nurse and a couple other staff members that Todd had gotten rather difficult to handle on Monday evening.  They informed me that the first sign of aggression in anyway, he will be sent back to the Psych Ward.  They wanted to put him back on a certain drug that he had just been pulled off of. (One that that Dr VJ had been reducing for the last couple of weeks).  They also said, if he goes back to a Psych , the chances of him getting placed again will be little to none.  I still stand to say Todd is not aggressive, but he is very stubborn, and if he doesn't want to do something he won't do it. (I know, I've lived with him for almost 32 years.)  But others may interpret his stubbornness as aggression, because of his physical strength.  So with their threat of sending him back to Psych Ward (someplace he never should have been, and a place I NEVER want him to see again) I agreed to a low dosage of this drug.  (I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place)

    We woke Todd up to have our "Thanksgiving Meal."  It was ok, but nothing like what a home cooked meal would taste like, but the staff tried to make it as festive as possible.  The rest of the afternoon, Todd was 'busy.'  Walking, pacing, no, it was more like a very fast shuffle jog.  Up and down the hall ways.  He also seemed fixated about the public toilets in the Lobby.  It took three staff members to get him off.  He had been sitting on it, facing the wall (riding it more like a horse) and flushing and flushing.  I had tried several times, to get him up, and so had Kristi, but he wouldn't budge.  It took the staff about 10 minutes to talk him off it.  That was the second time he had done that that afternoon. I sat and cried.   I hate seeing Todd like this.  I look at my handsome husband, and wonder how in the heck did this all happen? Why?  How can his thinking be so far gone?  Questions to which I may never have answers.

    I tired singing to him, but he didn't seem too interested.  Once he tried to pick up the TV in the room, and Kristi and I had to stop him.  We did get him to sit down briefly, and I was telling him that is Thanksgiving and we should be Thankful.  I told him I was thankful that I had meat stuck in my tooth, cause that meant I got food to eat, but I really wanted to find a toothpick to get it out, cause it was bugging me. On that, I got the one and only smile out of him all day.

    I called both Tyson and Phil so they could say 'hi' to their Dad.  As usual there's little to no response out of Todd.  It's very hard to hold a phone conversation, as it's always one sided.

    By the time we had to go, I felt strung out and exhausted and an emotional basket case.  I'm sorry to say I cried more on Thanksgiving than I have for weeks.  I was thankful for my wonderful daughter who drove most of the way home, cause she knew her mom wasn't in a good condition to drive.  I am thankful to some wonderful CNA's and nurses that show incredible patience with Todd.  I'm thankful to the wonderful friends who messaged and text me through out the day, to say they were praying for me.  One in particular, who I went to Bible College with, and haven't seen in years, messaged me several times that day with words of encouragement and love.  God is so good, to send those that can encourage, when I can hardly function.  I'd like to say, I'm a rock, and never have a moment that I struggle, but if I said that, I'd be a liar.  I'm human and I struggle greatly.   

    This morning I read in my Bible; Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6 NIV)

    I guess I'm noticing prepositions lately.  But I noticed "in' every situation, 'by' prayer and petition 'with' thanksgiving, is how we are to present our requests to God.  I like how the NLT translation says it: 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NLT)

    My heart is to continue on in prayer with thanksgiving for then the peace will come. The peace that The Lord gives is the kind that guards your heart, like a military guard, protecting a city from hostile invasion.  

     I haven't been perfect in walking in that scripture every moment, but I continue on.  I know where is power and strength in his Word.  It's in Him I find strength.

Thankful 'In"

my effort of trying to get Todd to smile. 

 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT)

People, including me, are often wanting to know what God's will is for their lives.  I believe this is one of the few scriptures that says "This is God's will for you."  And what is it? To be Thankful.  What a lesson, especially for this week of Thanksgiving.  I know I haven't been feeling thankful cause of Todd being in a nursing home, and we will be spending Thanksgiving day with him there.  It's not that spending the day with him that is a bummer, it's just that he's in a nursing home, and that's the atmosphere and location we will spend the day, not with our extended family.  But somehow I must find thankfulness even in this circumstance. I'm so glad God didn't say 'for' the circumstance, but instead he said 'in'.  There is a big difference.  If it was 'for' it, we'd would just then have to succumb that this is God's will no matter what awful thing happens in our life, and we have to thank God for it.  No, that's not it at all.  But rather 'in' that circumstance, whether good or bad, we can still be thankful.

Last Thursday I went up to Tioga to be there early Friday morning for Todd's doctor appointment.   Since it's over 3 1/2 hours of driving time, I didn't want to get up at 4 am to be there at 8 am for his appointment.  I left to go up to Tioga in the afternoon, as my Dad had surgery that morning to have a stint put into his heart, as he was on the verge of another heart attack, but thankfully they caught it in time, and were able to do the surgery before that heart attack happened.  He is doing so much better now, and said it's the best he's felt in a long time.

I got to Tioga on Thursday night right before supper time.  I had stopped at the local gas station and grabbed a dried up sandwich for my supper and was gagging it down in the car as I pulled up to the nursing home.    I saw Todd walking in the "Lobby Room" and quickly finished the last few bites of my sandwich and headed inside.  He made little or no acknowledgement that I was there.  He was holding his glasses in his hand and as I went to help him put them back on, I noticed how dirty they were, and went and got my cleaning cloth I keep in my iPad cover for cleaning glass.  As I cleaned them, I noticed tear stains on his lens.  A little while later, as we were sitting at the dining room table waiting for his food to come, I noticed, tear stains around his eyes and asked him if he'd been crying, or was he hurt?  He got out the words "Miss you."  Then I started crying.  I told him how much I miss him too, and how much I absolutely hate this being so far away.  

    Most of Thursday evening he was pretty alert and what we call, 'busy,' which means lots of walking around, up and down the hallways.  The polka band was in for their regular Thursday night entertainment, but I really didn't get to hear much, as Todd didn't want to sit still, he was up and walking.  Later he said he was tired, and the staff told me it was his night for a bath, so I got him down to his room, for his shower.  Later when he was lying on his bed, I asked him if he wanted me to read the Bible to him and he said "yes."   So I read 2 Timothy, by the end of the book, he was asleep.  Reading from Todd's Bible is always a treasure for me, as he has tons of notes written here and there by different scriptures. Often he'll have a comment and a date, and that was the scripture that he was 'standing on' during that time of our lives.  It's like reading our life history.  There's also 'V' marks with dates by them, and those indicate when he memorized that section of the Bible.  When I told Kristi what those marks meant, she said, I've always wondered what those meant, and man that means he's memorized most of the New Testament. Yup, he had!  Todd was always my walking concordance, cause he also would have the 'reference' memorized. 

   I did get one chuckle and smile out of him that night when I picked up his Bible and had it upside down, and said, "Oops, I'm a good reader, but not that good."  He smiled and had a little chuckle.

    Although I was encouraged how alert he was Thursday night, the rest of the weekend, was not to be like that. It was more what I've termed him being "in the zone," where he just sits and stares and make little acknowledgement of his environment around him.   

     Friday morning I visited with Doctor VJ.  (Todd slept through his appointment) I told him I wasn't happy about Todd being on so many meds, for he seems  way to doped up. This is the main reason I have avoided taking Todd to doctors for years, as all they want to do, is drug you up.  So far I haven't seen that any of the drugs are helping Todd, except for maybe helping him sleep, but now his sleep seems excessive. Doc VJ agreed to start weaning him off some of the meds.  He'll still have to be on anti-seizure meds for a year though, but as long as he stays seizure free, they can wean him off in a year.  I also asked why the PT hasn't been working with his neck.  A PT aide came in that afternoon, and worked with Todd for maybe 5 minutes.  Not much, but at least it's something.  Every time I'm there, I try to work with his neck, giving him massages, and trying to lift his head and bring movement back to his neck. He still winces in pain when you work with him.

     Sunday morning I was able to get him to the AG church with me.  I sang a 'special' during the offering time, which turned into a 'prayer time' at the altar.  Pastor Jeremy and several men of the church prayed for Todd.  During the worship time, several times, Todd looked like he was about to cry.  I know his spirit is so wanting to worship God like he use to, but this awful condition keeps him from it.  After the service Todd and I had some left over baked potatoes and chili from the previous nights mission fund raiser. Several of the men helped me get Todd back into to the car to head back to the nursing home.  I was so thankful for the help!  Getting him in and out of a vehicle is not easy.

    When I left to head home, there was a couple from Williston that was ready to sing and minister to the residents at the nursing home.  I heard a little bit of their warm up and mike testing and they sounded really good, I hated to leave and miss it, but I knew I needed to get on the road, as I hate driving in the dark, especially when I'm alone.  Todd was resting in one of the recliners in the dining hall. Hopefully he enjoyed the service.

    One of the CNA's told me she prays for Todd and I every day.  I told her thank you, and she went on to say, "I just hate it that you're so far apart, and I hate seeing you and your daughter having to drive these highways especially now with the winter weather.  I just keep asking God to please open up a door closer to you."  I know her pray is not alone, for that is my daily prayer too.  The Social Worker and I have continued to be pests at the various homes his name is on the lists, but so far no openings.  But God....

    So as Thanksgiving rolls around, and maybe you're like me, you're having to dig deep "in" your circumstance to find thankfulness, I pray that you truly, from your heart, can be thankful, for then you too will be in God's will for your life.

Todd's 53 Birthday- Nov 14th

Quito laying by the door in the lobby. 

I am so glad I went through all the trouble of giving him a shower the night before (then he gave me and my bathroom one).  So many of the residents wanted to pet him,  as he is such a big hit at the nursing home   He definitely  remembers Todd, and was all wags and wiggles for him. Todd only once all weekend acknowledged Quito's presence. 

 Several of the residents came over to wish Todd Happy birthday. He acknowledged a few, but most of them there was no response that he was being talked to.

 Todd and his cake.  The button, was made by my nephew Dustin LaRue Diehl, and has Tonto and The Lone Ranger on it. I added the Happy Birthday Ribbon. Thanks Dustin for the cool button.

 Looks like Quito was wanting some cake too.

Me and my man Todd.  I told him, now he's a whole year older than me (at least for two months) our standing joke all our married life. 

 Pastors Jeremy and Jamie came to the party.  They're sitting at the table with Todd, but were visiting with one of the homes cook when I snapped this picture.

Friday Nov 15

 Today, Friday. Nov 15, Pastor Jeremy called his uncle who raises horses, and arranged for us to bring Todd out so he could see the colts and horses.  

 Todd was getting pretty chilly, so we brought him in the barn for a bit, and showed him the chickens.  

 Out walking around the farm yard a bit.  Hoping the fresh air would be helpful to Todd. (nothing fresher than farm yard air!)

It's so incredible hard to see Todd like this.  The only response and smile I got out of him on either day, was when he first woke up from his nap, and I was kneeling down in front of him, so he could see my face, and I said "Todd, look, you open your eyes and there is this beautiful woman in front of you and you think, Man that's my wife!" He gave me a big smile and slight chuckle.  I so miss his smile and laughs.  Every time I've gone to see him more of him seems to have vanished. 

 I hate this separation and distance! I pray daily for an opening closer, and keep checking at the local nursing home and being a squeaky wheel as much as possible, but they kept telling me they have no openings.  

God we need a miracle!