Losing by Inches. Kristi's Blog

Last week some time, Kristi and I were having a good heart to heart talk about Todd.  How it effects us both.  Kristi made the comment that we lost him by inches.  She said she had been meaning to write her thoughts down about this but hadn't done so yet.  So I asked her if she did write it down, could I share it on the blog.  The next morning, I awoke and wrote the poem at the end of this blog, after pondering on her comment.
    We spent Sunday and Monday in Dickinson at the Northern Plains Believers Rally at Break Forth Bible Church.  I just felt we both needed to, as I put it, "Be under the spout where the glory comes out."  In other words, go sit under God's Word for a time, and be refreshed and encouraged.  It's been a long hard battle, and both of us are a little battle weary.    The Rally has been wonderful, and we both have been encouraged by The Lord.
   On our way home late Monday night, Kristi pulled out the laptop while I was driving, and wrote the following about her Dad.

Losing by Inches

 by Kristi Reuer

It is extremely hard to lose your dad to death. It is equally hard or even harder to watch him slip away from you day by day. I watched my dad lose a bit of himself every day for years. It didn’t always come in big ways like when we found him trying to drive on the interstate the wrong way, which forced us to realize that it was no longer safe for him to drive on major roads. It sometimes came in little ways. Like him forgetting what he was trying to say. Something we have all done but that he did constantly for years. It came subtly, like one day having to remind him to put food on his plate and the next having to dish it up for him. It came sporadically, like him seemingly fine one day and really confused the next and then back to sort of fine.

For many years after my dad’s horse accident he was mostly fine. And then somewhere along the line he started slipping away. It was practically unnoticeable at first. Just him being a little more forgetful and having more trouble talking. Just an inch of him slipping away here and there.And then somewhere along the line I started noticing it more and more. Those little inches that he had lost were accumulating and the process wasn’t slowing down it was speeding up. Towards the end it was more like we were losing him by feet and yards then little inches, as he became less and less able to function normally, or function at all those last few weeks in the nursing home.

So while yes, it was very hard to lose my dad on December 22, at that point there wasn’t much left for me to lose. Oh, don’t get me wrong it hurt like crazy to know I would never see my dad again on this earth. But he hadn’t really been my dad for a while. Again don’t get me wrong I loved my dad very much and still do but the normal father-daughter relationship didn’t exist between us anymore. And frankly it was  far better for him to go be with Jesus then for him to languish in a mind and body that wouldn’t let him do anything anymore. So while I miss my dad, I rejoice that he is finally whole once more. It wasn’t the healing we wanted but it was healing never the less.

Here is the Poem I wrote along the same theme:

Loosing Him by Measures

it's been a month since you moved on

to that heavenly home

your body still, an empty shell

we laid to rest here on the earth.

but you've been gone 

much longer still, the man we really knew

for inch by inch you left us here

your mind kept leaving you.

other people said, he's not that bad

he looks so healthy and strong

but they did not see what we saw at home

your struggle daily going down hill.

at first it was hard to see 

the changes all so small

but inch by inch it took its toll

till life became so hard.

over time it became not inches lost

but now by foot by foot.

the changes became evident 

from those who would on look.

in this last and trying year

the changes were so quick

not inch or foot, but yard by yard

daily the demenita took

each day we saw less of you 

the man we really knew

till on that day all was left

a body an empty shell.

but now you're whole in heaven above

life is ere' so sweet

Jesus knelt down and healed your soul

by the river of life so sweet.

our hearts are empty cause you've left us here

but with you we do rejoice

to know that you are whole

the measure of man complete.

The Names He Would Call Me

   

(This is not a photo I took, although I have taken some of a gumbolily, I just couldn't find them. I think a few of my photos were pre digital days.)

  Todd had a few nick names for me, when we first were dating, he called me "Angel" now before you think it was because of my angelic personality, cough, cough, let me explain.  In the late 70's, early 80's there was a TV show called Charlie's Angels.  I think it was some kind of detective or cop show, I really don't remember. I'm not sure I ever even watched it, but I do know this Charlie had three girls that worked with him and they had long hair.  So Todd would call me his "Angel" and sent me off on 'secret missions' or something.  I really don't remember the whole inside joke we had about it, but it had more to do with my long hair than my angelic personality.  I even made him a tee shirt, when I worked at The Shirt Shack that said, "Cowboy, I love you, Angel."  Somehow after we married, he quit calling me Angel, I have always wondered why. 

   Years later, he started calling me "31." It's kind of a cowboy thing sort of.  You see all the cows were tagged with numbers, and he gave me "31" after the woman in Proverbs 31.  She's the virtuous woman.  I'm not sure I have ever gotten as high as her accolades, but I've tried to follow her example.

    He teased me that I was his "Handy Man," when he came in the house one day, and I had laid new flooring in our laundry room all by myself.  I had also received in the mail that day, an invitation to join the "Handy Man Club of America" of course addressed to Mr Kelley Reuer.  I was ticked that they thought I was a man, and Todd thought it was hilarious. Although Todd could hammer way better than me, which had to do with him being ambidextrous, in most other things I really was the better handy man, and so I really did do most of the minor repairs, and all of the remodeling around the house. 

     There was the KellBell, and Kelley Bell, that is common nickname within my family.  He never called me by my nick name, George, that I grew up with, because of his sister Georgia, who we of course call George.  I was called George as a kid, cause  people would ask my Mom what her cute (I added the cute part) little girl's name was, to which she'd say "George."  I would get upset, and say, no my name is "Kelley."  Somehow later, the nick name stuck, and I was called George anyway.

      But I guess my favorite nickname was when he called me his Gumbolily. Most people, unless you're from westriver in South Dakota, don't have a clue as to what a gumbolily is. Ok, I guess I say that cause, I didn't have a clue as to what it was until I lived westriver. It's a flower, that grows in the worst of the worst soil, the hardpan gumbo. Nothing else will grow in it, but a gumbolily will.  They're a short flower, leaves looking somewhat like a lilly but with a flower that looks like a prairie rose, and actually smells like a fragrant rose.  They're usually white, but will turn pink or lavendar as they mature. All in all they're a beautiful flower.  I tried once to replant one in some good soil in my flower bed, it didn't work. Unless you take  a lot of the hardpan soil with it, it will not grow in good soil.  I did have a friend that was sucessful in transplanting one, so it is possible, but I never was able to accomplish that task.

    I remember one time, Todd coming in the house, and he was so excited, he said I had to come with him, he had to show me something.  I kept asking him, "What, what is it?" but he just said, "Just come, I'll show you."  We got down to the dam below the barn, and there in the hardpan soil, was several gumbolily's blooming. They were so beautiful.  The smell was heavenly.  I was so glad I followed Todd down to the dam, even though I was always terrified I'd see a rattler when walking through the pasture.

    To me it was one of the highest compliments and dearest names he called me.  Gumbolily.  In calling me that he was saying he had confidence that I could bloom and blossom in the worst of conditions.  He was saying to me, you're beautiful, and sweet and gonna make it through this tough time.  I believe he's still cheering me on from heaven, saying "Come on my Gumbolily, you can bloom, you can blossom, you can release the sweet fragrance of Jesus in this hard, hard place you're in."  

    Through God's grace I will, I'll continue to be that Gumbolily.  It's just taking a lot of God's grace to do it now.  But that's good, cause grace is God's influence in my life, and right now I'll take ever bit of His influence in my life, to help me bloom in this hardpan soil.  I pray I can stay worthy of the name Gumbolily, so dearly given to me by my Cowboy Todd.    

       

A cup of tea and my cowboy memories

 

   Growing up with a mom who's English and from the east coat, Maine to be exact, it was common place at our house to have a cup of tea every afternoon, at what we call 'tea time.'  I've carried on that tradition and Kristi and I often have tea every day maybe around 4 pm, come and visit and I'll put on the kettle. Sometimes our tea is subsituted for a cup of Hot cocoa, or a Chai tea, and summer time may bring on the ice tea (not sweet tea like in the south though). Don't worry, I still drink more water than I do tea, but I do enjoy a cup of tea.  I've never really gotten the acquired  taste for coffee, but in the last few years, and being very sleep deprived and having to stay awake at work, I have succumb to an occasional cup of coffee, just because there was no tea available at the office.  (I did sneak in a tea bag or two a few times)

   One of the things I've always enjoyed to see, and maybe cause it make me feel like a little kid and awe at the wonder of it all, is when you add milk to a cup of tea.  There's this really cool thing that happens, it looks like puffy big clouds on a summer day (except it's in a tea cup and it's brown).  The milk swirls around and then eventually becomes 'one with the tea.' You can no longer tell milk from tea, it's one. Although, it doesn't look like the same tea, nor does it look like the same milk.  It's taken on a new consistancy and appearance.  Drinking it is a wonderful blend of both flavors.  But there's one thing you can't do now, and that's separate the two.  Well, maybe by some scientific way it could be done, but in the natural, they're one forever.  

  I got to thinking about the tea and milk this morning, as I poured myself a cup of Earl Grey and added a little milk.  That's how Todd and I were.  Tea and milk are pretty different from each other, yes, both liquids, but totally different. I'm sure I was the tea, and he was the smooth milk. But when we married and came together, we were no longer just Todd and a separate Kelley. We were one.  Funny, how people begin to address you that way, it was always "Todd and Kelley are here, etc." Separate but one.  

   I remember years ago working with a minister and traveling with him and his wife.  We were discussing something, and he said something about I should talk to Todd about it, and I said, we'd already discussed the issue.  The minister was amazed and said, he had never seen a couple that communicated like we did.   He asked if we always discussed things like we had. I said yes.  I was suprised, why would we have any secrets from each other?  God had put us together, then we're partners and share all things.  There were times when we had to work at it more than at other times.  Some things were harder to discuss with each other, but we evenutually did.  Didn't happen naturally, we had to work at it a lot.

   But now I get down to today.  Now there's only one element of my blended cup of tea left.  I'm not really sure how to deal with that.  How does one say good bye to 32 years of a good marriage?  People keep asking me how I'm doing, to which I say, "How am I suppose to be doing?"  I don't know. Some days, I've slept and cried, and slept and cried some more.  (Still not feeling well physically has not helped me either.)  Yesterday I spent the day, dealing with bills and 'office stuff' that has piled up over that last month.  End of the year is always a big thing to deal with, but I feel like someone dumped a truck load on top of the normal.  I know it's not over either, but I am catching up some.

    I haven't cried my last tear, or said my last prayer asking God for "help!"   I know God is here with me, and somehow I'll make it.  It's just the process I have a hard time with.

    The last weekend Kristi and I were up to see Todd, which was a week before he died, (Phil and I were there the Wed and Thurs after that weekend), at one point, I was kneeling down in front of Todd, so he could see me. His neck was so bent over he could not lift it up, so I often knelt down in front of him so he could see my face.  I don't remember all I was talking to him about, but at one point I said to him, "I'm gonna be ok."  I'm not sure why I told him that, except maybe, I knew I needed to.  I wasn't thinking he was going to be dying soon, that came as an incrediable shock. But I also knew that without a major miracle from God, Todd would at some point pass on.  There is no cure for dementia, there is no therapy that would have helped, or treatment that could have been done.  God knows we looked for it.  But like one doctor told me, you can't fix what's not there any more.  There were things missing, totally damaged in Todd's brain that couldn't be fixed, bar a creative miracle of God.  But that miracle never came the way we wanted, and I believe Todd just decided enough of this, I'm out of here.  Heaven was looking like a way better option for him, compared to what he was going through.   

     The day after he died I got a call from Dr VJ in Tioga.  He said he was filling out the death certificate.  Dr VJ is from  India and has a very strong accent, and very difficult to understand especially on the phone.  But what I believe he was trying to say to me was. "I don't know what to put down for a cause of death."  He said we could put heart attack, but we have no proof it was a heart attack (his heart just stopped beating).  He said, "we could say aspirate, but we vented him to make sure he wasn't aspirating, and he wasn't."  He said, "the only thing I can put down is 'dementia'"  I told Dr VJ, " I think Todd got a glimpse of heaven and decided enough of this earth, I'm out of here."  I asked him if he could put that down on the certificate. To which Dr VJ said, "Oh, I do not think they would accept that, I can not put that down."   Well, he couldn't put it down, but that's probably what really happened.  When your body and mind no longer let you live the life you want to live, going home to heaven is the best option around for a believer.

    The scripture was shared at the memorial service, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain."  Todd gained.  I had to share with the pastor afterwards, a funny story with that verse and Todd.  When we were dating, we were working at Circle C Ranch that summer. Trish Lenihan took all the staff on a trail ride out in the Badlands.  At one point in the trail ride, we had to cross this small land bridge between two buttes.  It was very narrow, and a straight drop down on both sides.  I was terrified.  I don't ride horse very well, so that added to my nervousness, and the fact that heights terrify me.  Todd and several other staff members had already crossed over to the other side, and Todd yelled back to me, "Kelley, let me give you a scripture to comfort and encourage you.  'To live is Christ and to die is gain."  To which I replied "That's not helping."  When I was about half way across, Todd yelled again to me, "Kelley, open up your eyes, your horse just shut hers."  Todd was always teasing me, always joking, always laughing, but always loving.  

    I don't think I'll start drinking my tea without the milk now, I still love to watch it swirl and blend together.  Todd never did like tea, always prefered water above everything else.  Though he didn't like tea, he did like me.  I remember once while we lived at Smith's Ranch, Todd and another young man were under our trailer home, working on something.  I was in the family room, playing piano and singing.  I could hear them talking below me, but could not hear what they were saying.  Todd told me the conversation later.  The other man (who was single) said to Todd, "Doesn't it bother you that Kelley isn't a cowgirl, and can't hardly ride a horse, and hates being around cows?"  To which Todd said, "I didn't marry her for her ablility to ride horse, or work cattle, and I'd rather have a wife that knows how to pray and stand on God's Word any day than one who can ride horse."  He then told that young man, that he should take heed to that too in looking for a wife.    

    Thank  you Todd, for being my blended cup of tea with me, and always letting me continue to be who I was (and am).  Love and miss you my cowboy.

   

       

32 years ago and today

 
 It was January 2, 1982, a cold wintery day, the tempertures finally got up to -20 F, the aftermath of the blizzard the day before.  But my heart was excited, for  I was to change my name to match yours.  The dress had been altered, for I'd lost so much weight since my sister had made it last summer, the veil finally finished last night.  I nervously took out my pink curlers out of my hair, hoping it wasn't going to be one of those 'bad hair' days.  I wanted to look perfect for you as your bride.  

    We made it to the church in time to get dressed, and all the makeup on perfect.  I remember my friend Sandy inisted we curl your hair so it wouldn't stick up straight, trying to tame the stubborn Reuer straight hair.  I still chuckle when I see that picture, it really didn't help.  The pictures were taken, and I came down the aisle singing my little heart out to you. Yes, I sang all the way down the aisle, you were suppose to be singing too, but I think you just stood there and watched.  You had just recovered from all the groomsmens teasing about there's a rodeo out in Billings you could make if you left right now.  So glad you didn't take their ad

vice, and stuck it out at the front of the church as I came down in my Daddy's arm to take yours forever.  At least we hoped it would be forever.

   But today I get ready on what should be our 32nd anniversary, and there's not any pink culers, and I've begun to dye my hair to hide all the gray.  My heart is not excited, but instead sad and lonely, for today I walk into the church alone.  The kids are all here, a product of our years of love together, a testimony of a life well lived for God.  We've cried and prayed and made the plans for today, all the time missing you so much. We want to honor you with all our hearts, for you loved us without limit, and taught us so very much.  You've left us way to soon, there's no doubt about that, but the struggle has been long and hard, and now you're free.  I look forward to that day when we meet again on the other side, and rejoice together before our Lord.

    So today, January 2, 2014, I say my last good byes, but won't be my last tears, for my heart will always remember you.   You are a man to be admired and remembered for a very long.  I love you Todd, my friend, my lover, my pard.  I know you're cheering us on from the other side of the veil now, telling us to finish our race and run it well.