My Last Kiss and The Gift to You

I don't have a picture of the last kiss, so I thought I'd have one of the 'early' kisses. 

    The movie world, would like us to believe, that the most important 'kiss' between a man and  a woman is their first kiss.  When the flame first gets lit.  I beg to differ with that thinking.  I have come to realize it's not the first kiss, but your last kiss that says more of the love you have. At least that's how it was with Todd and I.

    It was the weekend before he died, and Kristi and I were up in Tioga seeing him.  It was always hard.  Hard to see him like that.  Every time we went, more of him was gone, every time  I saw him I went through a shock.  Even though I knew how bad he was getting, each time it shocked me.  Todd wasn't walking well, and needed assistance or a wheel chair.  When we visited, we would take him to one of the 'family rooms' they had in the nursing home, so we could all be together.  I'd sit and sing to him, or read him scriptures, sometimes I'd read him what I'd written in the "Adventures of Todd and Kelley."  He'd often fall asleep in the recliner, and Kristi and I would read or write, and wait for him to wake up again.  On that Saturday, he had just woke up from a nap, and wanted to walk around the room.  I was assisting him, to make sure he didn't fall.  He walked over to the little 'kitchen' area of the room where there was some cupboards and a sink, and he started opening the cupboard doors.  I told him, I don't think we should get into their cupboards, and pointed out some things on the counter that might be ok for him to 'play' with.  This is the area of the nursing home, where they stored a lot of their seasonal decorations.  Todd started pushing me a little bit, and it made me a little nervous, cause I wasn't sure what he was wanting.  He got me pushed into the corner, and then he bent down (remember I'm quite a bit shorter then he was) and kissed me.  I melted, and just held him close.  The man who sometimes forgot I was even his wife, and couldn't remember my name anymore, still knew that he loved me and that I was special to him.  I told him again, how much I loved him.  

   Kristi and I were talking about this the other day and she says she remembers it well, as she was sitting in the room with us and watching it all transpire.  Her dad one last time, kissing her mom.  

   I know I kissed him good bye on Sunday before we left, but that kiss doesn't hold my heart like when he reached out to me.  I guess unless you've dealt personally with someone with dementia you probably don't understand what it means to have them reach out to you.  When they recognize and actually remember for a moment who you are, it means the world.  

   I cherish the love I have for Todd and the love he had for me.  God knew what he was doing when he brought us together.  

   Miss you so much Todd.  

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This morning in honor of his birthday I wrote this little ditty.  I know my poetry isn't perfect, but it's still from the heart.

Gift to You

I can't give you a gift up in Heaven

You already have all that you need

For you are home with our Heavenly Father

Life eternal you have received.

 If I could pass through that heavenly veil

Just a moment to give you a gift

I'd send you a hug and kiss

And tell you how much you are missed

Happy Birthday in Heaven my dear

I love you so very much

I look forward to that day when we meet again

When I join you and our Savior we love. 

  

Cowgirl Up! and the Widow's mite

My friend Melanie, Me and her friend Debbie.  This was a major bucket list check off for Debbie to see Mt Rushmore.

    This past weekend I met up with some friends from Colorado and Maine, in Rapid City, SD kind of a midway point for us.  We had a wonderful time visiting and seeing Mount Rushmore.  On my way home on Saturday I stopped and visited with my brother-in-law,  always good to see Todd's brother and catch up on his life, and reminisce about Todd.  On my drive home, I was fighting sleep, I was super tired, due to the fact that I hadn't slept well, cause I wasn't feeling all that great.  By the time I got to Dickinson even though less than two hours from home, I pulled into a hotel to sleep.  It was a "Welcome to the Oil Field" shock on the price, but like my brother-in-law told me in his text, "better an expensive bed, than in the ditch somewhere."   Since I was in Dickinson on a Sunday morning, I decided I'd go visit "Break Forth Bible Church."  Todd and I have known Pastors Larry and Sally Phalen for many many years, and have always enjoyed their down to earth ministry.  Their love for God and enthusiasm is contagious!   What I didn't expect was to end up as Larry's sermon illustration.  He was preaching on "Cowboy Up!"  well, actually he was preaching on "Girding up the loins of your mind," but in cowboy terms that's 'Cowboy up!"  You can hear Pastor Larry's message at www.breakforthbiblechurch.com and look under livestream and archived messages for Oct. 26th.  I had to chuckle a little cause I was writing something down he had said in my notebook, when he asked me if he could pick on me for a little bit.  I looked up, totally missing what he had just said, and it slowly started to sink in he was talking to me and about me.    He basically shared a little how I've had to learn to Cowgirl Up, even in the worst of times, and still hang on to Jesus.  Like most new widows I've had to learn to do things by myself, there's that part where you pull yourself up by the boot straps and say, "I'm pressing on, I will not be defeated and I will not quit." There's the part when you have to have the revelation that 'greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world', or how I like to say it, "I'm bigger on the inside than I am on the out."  It's not me that's big on the inside, it's the God who lives in me that's big!

   

 This morning I awoke to the phrase "Giving beyond the widow's mite" rolling around in my thoughts.   I started thinking about that widow in Mark 12:41-44 and Luke 21:1-4.  Jesus was sitting by where the offerings were put in and just watching.  I've got news folks, he still watching what people give. He observed people putting in all sorts of amounts.  But along comes this poor widow, she puts in a couple of coins, and it's said were worth only pennies (in our currency), but Jesus commended her, and said she gave more than everyone else.  I'm sure his disciples were shocked. What?  a few pennies is more than all these lavish gifts?  It's can't be!  But Jesus drives his point home by saying, "They gave out of their wealth, but she out of her poverty gave everything she had."  It's not the size of the gift, but the size of the heart of the gift.  She gave all.  She was trusting that as she gave, God would supply for her when she had nothing left. Jesus was looking at her heart, and she gave all.

     I've never understood people that don't like to give or that are stingy.  They just make my head go 'tilt.' I can't understand living that way.  I've enjoyed giving and love to give.  There was one time Todd and I gave everything we had in an offering. It was kind of like that widows mite.  You'll laugh, but it was one dollar.  That was all the money we had to our name (although I think we may have had $15 dollars in a savings account that we had set aside, saving up to go to Minneapolis to hear TL Osborn preach).    I had received the dollar from my Grammie Gray that day.  I had painted her a picture of my little niece and had mailed it to her, and she sent me a dollar to cover the postage.  Todd and I at the time, were working at a ministry where it was volunteer, we had no income what to speak of.  Although our food and lodging was provided for, we still had a car payment to meet each month.  I don't know how, but we never missed a payment on that car, and I'd have to say it was all God.  Back to my dollar story; we went to church that evening and when the offering plate went around I remember thinking, I might as well give the one dollar we have, cause it won't buy us much anyway, and I'd rather seed it, than spend it.  After the service some friends asked us if we'd go out to 'coffee' with them.  My first thought was I sure hope they're paying, cause we don't have any money left to pay.  Thankfully they did pay, and we had a wonderful visit with them.  As the husband was paying the bill at the restaurant, he slipped his hand under the table and shoved a check in my hand.  When I looked at it, it was for $100!  I looked up with a the most quizzical look, like what's this for?  He said, "We just wanted to bless you."  We were blessed!  I do have to say this is the only time in my life, within hours God blessed us 100 times what we have given, but God saw past the amount and saw our hearts.  We took that $100 and the $15 in savings and went and heard TL Osborn preach, but that's a whole 'nother story.

    What is it to give past the widows mite?  What do you give when you've given all?  You give your heart.  You give your time.  You give your talents.  You just give all.  I have found in life the best way to solve selfishness is to just give.   

    There's the giving that has nothing to do with money.  It's the giving of your heart and life.  I found myself there a lot taking care of Todd the last few years.  I have journal entry after journal entry crying out to God, "I can't do this anymore," but I did.  I kept caring for him, I kept loving him.  Even when it came to the point, where I couldn't physically do it any longer, his care needs were becoming beyond my ability, and my own health was breaking down.  I still gave what I had. There wasn't a lot of Kelley left by then, but I gave him everything I had.  Even when I had to surrender his physical care to health care professionals, and my heart broke in two again, I was there for him every minute I could be.  I gave to Todd even in my 'poverty of strength' I still gave him all I had.  If you don't believe me, I challenge you to go care for someone failing of dementia or Alzheimer's, and do that 24/7 all by yourself, and see how long you last.   It's not an easy job.  My heart goes out to the many people who are in that position.  There is no break, there is no relief, it's 24/7 care, that most people have no clue how hard it really is.  But love still keeps giving.   Walking through it all I've learned how to Cowgirl Up and know that the greater one lives on the inside of me, and He never quits or gives up, so neither should I.

Now I lay me down...

This morning, I awoke early and did some reading, and then for some reason, I laid my head down on Todd's pillow.  I've rarely touched it since he died, or even since he went into the hospital.  As I laid on his pillow missing him, my thoughts started rhyming.  So I sat up and wrote this down in my notebook.  

I've rarely pulled the covers back

Except to change the sheets

Your pillow I left untouched 

Beside me when I sleep

But this morning in the early light 

I gently laid my head

Upon your pillow empty still

Wishing to hear your heart beat.

I heard no sound, yes, I know

For that's impossible to hear

I only heard the rushing cars

And traffic way too near.

You're not here to warm my feet

When they are freezing in the night

Or scratch my forever itchy back

Or pray my nightmares take flight

My life is so utterly different now

WIthout you by my side

I'm having to live each new day

Trusting in His grace to abide

I've been finding out who I really am

The Kelley deep down inside

And all the things He put in me

Uncovering His plan for my life

Well, the alarm clock finally went off

Though I've been awake for hours

Reading through the piles of Bibles and books

Finding comfort in this early morning hour.

Love at the bottom of a stock tank

Photo credit to Susanna Dagley

 I have this alarm clock in my bedroom that Todd and I have had for years.  I mean years! I can hardly remember not having it.  I believe my Mom and Dad gave it to us on one of those first Christmas.  It has really big numbers so we both could see it at night, but it has one problem.  It is alway running fast, it's always ahead of time.  Every once in a while, I have to reset it, as it's 5, 10, 15, or creeping up even more minutes ahead of the actual time.  But for the most part I'd leave it till it was really bad.  Why? Because for the most part, Todd was always running behind.  It kind of runs in his family, and was the standard Reuer joke, as to how late members of the family were going to be for any holiday gathering.  Todd was no exception.  He always had more to do than time allowed, but he thought he could get it done anyway, thus making him untimely late.  So I'd leave the clock a few minutes ahead, knowing that was at least giving him a head start.

    I on the other hand, am the kind of person, if I arrive 10 mintues early, I'm late.  I hate showing up at the last minute, or God forbid, actually late for something!  Life called for adjustment when I married Todd, lots of adjustments!  We eventually compromised, and would arrive somewhat on time.  This drove my family nuts as they always wanted to know days ahead what time we would be arriving, what could I tell them?  When we get there, we'll be there!  

    Just yesterday though, I got a message from a young lady that showed me Todd wasn't always late, sometimes he was just on time.   This young lady and her husband work on a ranch where Todd and I use to work many years ago.  They actually live in the house that Todd and I lived in.  Her husband was out fixing a stock tank and had to drain it to get it fixed.  When the tank was drained is when they found it.  Formed in the cement was a big heart with the initials; TR + KR  Romans 5:5.   I just sat and cried when I read her message.  Romans 5:5 was our wedding scripture.  "...For the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost who is given unto us."  Yah, it looks like Todd was the one who poured the cement for that stock tank, and he wanted it remembered for all time, the love we have for each each other and why.  Because God had poured his love into our hearts.    He wasn't late on that one, he was right on time.  Now almost 20 years later, from when he did that,  it was a reminder to me on how much he loved me.  I wish they would have taken a picture of it for me, but the tank has been refilled so that's not possible, but the love note hidden for years at the bottom of a stock tank was found.  Some people just use sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, Todd wrote it in cement!