Turquoise and Sapphires

Suffering city, you have been beaten by storms. You have not been comforted. I will rebuild you with turquoise stones. I will rebuild your foundations with sapphires. (Isaiah 54:11 NIRV)

This was a scripture that 'came alive' to me over a month ago.  I felt like that suffering city and being beaten by storms and the worst of the storm hadn't even begun then.  But the part that really spoke to my heart was  the rebuilding with turquoise stones and sapphires.  I believe the translation I was reading in that day called it: lapis lazuli.   I remember reading that and thinking what in the world is lapis lazuli?  I don't know many precious stones, and I don't know if that's a common name for one.  So I looked in other translations and the Bible dictionary and found most of them translated the word as sapphires. Now I do know what sapphires are.  Todd and I use to live in the Sapphire Mountains when we were first married.  But I'm sorry to say I never went mining for a sapphire (how ever it's done) but I did know someone who did.  Always have thought sapphires to be really pretty, and of course turquoise too.  But leaving all that behind, when I was reading this scripture, I 'saw' in my minds eye this pretty ring or necklace with a sapphire in the middle and turquoise all around it.  And had this sense of God saying "I'll rebuild you with these precious stones as your foundation."  I don't think He was really talking about real stones either.  I think what God was trying to minister to my heart was even though I'm in a suffering 'city' and beaten by this storm of life, He can rebuild my life and the foundation would be so solid, it would be as precious stones.  

    I remember sharing this scripture with a dear lady at our church, telling her what I 'saw' and what I felt The Lord was trying to encourage me with.  This morning when I got to church, she came up to me with a gift bag and told me I needed to open it up right away.  Well, I found a gift card for Kristi in there for Barnes and Nobles (Kristi's favorite place you know, it full of books!) and there was this really nice card and some cash in the bag signed by many families in the church. I thanked her and said that was so thoughtful.  She told me to keep looking as there was more in the bag.  I finally found the coolest box I have ever seen (three sided and looked like blue silk). I couldn't figure out how to open it when she told me to squeeze the ends. When I did, out dropped this very cool and beautiful necklace, with a sapphire colored  blue stone in the middle with 5 turquoise colored stones surrounding it.  I just cried.  She said they had put a turquoise stone for each member of my family. Todd and I and the three kids.  It is  now a constant reminder of how God is on our side rebuilding our lives.  Do I see it yet manifested in the natural? No, not really, but I am hopeful and have the promise of His word and that should be enough to hold me in my right now, at this moment time.  Tomorrow, I'll have that days 'now'.

     Thank you Word of Faith Church! You are a caring loving church. I know many of you have been praying for us.  Thank you so much.

     So if you life is battered by the storms of life too, know that there's a rebuilding that God wants to do in you too. Building beautiful Sapphires and turquoise in your foundation.

      Again I want to thank all those who have stopped and visited Todd these five long weeks in the hospital.  My sisters Debbie and Kim, who where there so much with me and Kristi, singing and praying.  Pastor Tim, Pastor Dom, Pastor Jonathan and Pam (Pricilla and Daniel too), Pastor Deanna,  My Mom, LaRue and Tracie, Becky, Pat, Keith, Ellene, Lee, Pat F, Theresa, and anyone else I missed.  Thank you again to Pastor Dom and Linda, who came to my house when I felt I was falling apart, and couldn't breath another breath. They helped me to catch my breath, and know that God was breathing life into me.

    The story is not over, but we're turning the chapter.  We'll have to find a new normal in our life. Though I don't know if that's possible. But then again, normal is only a setting on your dryer.

A Request   

  Many people have asked if there's anything they can do for us.  I hate to even ask, and it's kind of a strange request, but ever since we moved in and gotten settled in our house, I've had this pile of boxes of stuff I was planning on rummage saling on Pow Wow weekend (last weekend).  There was no way I could do that with Todd in the hospital.  Now with him being so far away, We'll probably be spending a lot of our weekends up in Tioga with him. The problem is I really want to have my garage space back before winter sets in.  (Kristi wants to park her car inside too).  If there's anyone who has the skill and ability, and actually likes to do those things, to put on a rummage sale for me with all this stuff.  Who knows if anyone would even want any of it, but it's worth trying.  I really lack skill in this area, since it's been about 20 years since I've had a rummage sale.  But if it's something someone would really like to do, let me know.             

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

  We've all heard that phase, turning lemons into lemonade.  But the process of doing that is a little more difficult.

 Just think of it from the lemons perspective! 

It must be squeezed till all that makes it a lemon is squeezed out, then it must be diluted down and then finally sweetened, chilled and served. 

    Col 4: 5 says it like this "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders, make the most of every opportunity." (NIV) The 'making the most of every opportunity', is what hit me.  I believe KJV says "To redeem the time." 

  In Vine's it says of this verse and the word REDEEM:  "buying up the opportunity. "Redeeming the time," Time being "a season" i.e. Making the most of every opportunity, turning each to the best advantage since not can be recalled if missed.

   So Lord teach me to make the most of every opportunity. Turning this to the best advantage, since this day, this opportunity will never be here again.

    The actual process by which I turn this lemon of time I'm in right now into something sweet and refreshing is the part that's really hard.  I guess it gets down to am I going to get bitter or better, the only  difference in those two words is "i".  It's up to me.  Can I make the most of this time?  Will I? Should I?  Yes, I really should.  The will and can is up to me.

     Can I make the most of packing my husbands clothes up and sending him off to a nursing home almost 4 hours away, where, I know I won't be able to see him very often.  Can I be still be a blessing to him, and those he now will encounter?  Lord please help me to be.  Will all that makes me a lemon be squeezed out and made into a refreshing drink? Lord please help me!  I want to refresh and encourage others that they too can make it through even their darkest nights.  There is a dawn someday, and a new day.  Let the joy come in the morning!

  Lately, I feel I've been squeeze and squeezed, and hit over and over.  I certainly don't know the 'whys' and hard times in life are probably not over (they really don't end till we die).  But there is one thing I know has remained true through it all.  That I can still rejoice in my Lord. Rejoice for all this? NO!  But rejoice in it. There is a big difference.  "Yeh, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me."  I want you to know, I have no intentions of setting up camp in this valley, I'm walking THROUGH it.  And He's with me.

   

They called it good news, but I cried and cried

      Got a call this morning from the social worker at the hospital.  She said she had good news but sort of bad news.  A nursing home in Tioga ND had called and said they would take Todd.  Tioga is about 200 miles from Bismarck, in the heart of the  Bakken Oil Field.  With Medicaid, I'm not given a choice nor can I say "no, I want to wait for something closer."  You have to go where there is an opening.  (I can still have his name on lists here in Bismarck to get him back closer eventually).  

   All I can say, is I cried so hard I collapsed to the floor.  I feel like someone just ripped my heart out.  On this afternoons visit I had to tell Todd what is going to happen.  I took him for a walk outside in the courtyard again off the cafeteria.  We sat down for a little bit and I told him that he was going to be going to a nursing home.  I asked him if he knows what that is, he said yes.  (but he says yes to most any question you ask, so I never know if he's really understanding or not).  I told him the bad news is it's really far away, and I won't be able to see him every day.  I told him the good news is that he won't have to wear these awful hospital clothes anymore, and he can again wear his western shirts and jeans and boots. He had a little smile on that one.  

   I felt he was a little bit better today, he put a couple of words together and was trying to talk a little bit more.  They are taking him off one kind of seizure meds and switching to another, so maybe that is helping.  He was very "busy" tonight, walking the halls.  At one point he was acting like he was looking for something, and I asked him what he was looking for. He said he was "looking for Kelley."  I stooped down and looked up at him (he's still stooped over) and said, "I'm right here. :-)"   

    Does he know I'm there, and still recognize me. I really don't know.  I go anyway.  I sing, and I pray with him, I love him and let him know it.  

    So on Monday, I will have to take him to Tioga, I'm not looking forward to it, or even the thought of him so far away, and having to drive up there in the oil fields.  (if you're from ND you know what this means).  

    I continue to pray for an opening here in Bismarck/Mandan.  

Four Weeks too long!

   Today marked Todd being in the hospital for four weeks.  If you would have told me four weeks ago, he'd still be there, I'd tell you were crazy.  The worst part is, he's worse off now than he was four weeks ago.  

   Since the seizures on the 1st of Sept, he really isn't talking any more, except a few words here and there.  He doesn't sing with us anymore either. He's stooped over and doesn't stand up straight.  He's eyes are cloudy and empty (I'm sure from all the drugs they give him).  He's still not sleeping. Only about an hour or two a night even with all these drugs they give him to try to make him sleep.  They again have changed what they're giving him.  Nothing has worked so far.  He just remains busy all the time, pacing up and down the hall ways, getting into other people's rooms, just being busy, busy, busy.   The last two days during visiting hours, he's paid little attention that Kristi and I were there.  He'd maybe sit with us for a few minutes then he was up and back to walking the hallways.  Today I asked if I could take him down to the outdoor patio next to the cafeteria, for a walk in some fresh air.  This is first time he's seen the sun and had fresh air in  four weeks.  He seemed to like being outdoors, and almost fell asleep on me on the walk, but when we got back to his room, I asked him if he wanted to lay down and take a little nap before supper, and he said, "No."  I tired, but he just wouldn't lay down.

    Tonight during the visit, he pulled his sock off (which he does over and over) Kristi said, "Mom, look!" I looked down, and his toe nail was gone off his big toe.  When he seizured, he had hurt his toe and it was pretty banged up. I kept telling the nurses that his toenail didn't look right.  I showed it to the CNA that was helping with Todd tonight, and a little later, she found his toenail in the hall way. :-(  He doesn't act like it's hurting him, so we're hoping it's not.  

    They've gone State wide in the search for a facility for Todd. The latest possibility is over three hours away, and it's still a pretty big 'if'.  I keep praying that something would open up locally so Kristi and I would see him daily.  

     I can't begin to tell you what it's like to see someone you love so much slipping away from you. Everyday, more gone.  Sometimes, I can hardly remember what he was like normal, sometimes, I wonder where my Todd is at.  Tonight I watched an old home movie of a concert Todd and I did up in Kenmare 21 years ago, right before we left.  I have to say, we were pretty good. Always were a good team.  It was so wonderful to hear his voice, and hear him talk.  So thankful for the amazing invention of a camcorder!  Years, later we can still watch and remember.

    Today I also did something that I've put off for a long time. Canceling his cell phone.  Todd really hasn't known how to answer his phone for about a year now, but I've kept it for a safety thing, like if he got lost, maybe he would answer, or someone could help him call me.  I can hear some of you saying "that's not so, he answered when I called."  Well, if he answered when you called, it's cause I (or Kristi) was right there, and told him what to do, or opened his phone and put it up to his ear for him.   I didn't realize how hard that would be for me, I was crying while taking to the Verizon Rep.  Felt like another part of me was torn out.  I know that may sound dramatic, and a little emotional, but to be honest, it is emotional, when you have to do something you wish you weren't having to do.  

     It's been one day at time here.  Always hopeful that tomorrow will be better.  We are also waiting for that call from Tulsa to come in saying our new grand-baby is here. But as of today (10th)  it hasn't happened yet.  We're praying for Sarah and baby to have a safe delivery.  

     Thank you again for all who have prayed and said kind loving words.  Todd is such a great guy, and I can truly see how well loved he is by so many.  Thank you all for your support and love!