Four Weeks too long!

   Today marked Todd being in the hospital for four weeks.  If you would have told me four weeks ago, he'd still be there, I'd tell you were crazy.  The worst part is, he's worse off now than he was four weeks ago.  

   Since the seizures on the 1st of Sept, he really isn't talking any more, except a few words here and there.  He doesn't sing with us anymore either. He's stooped over and doesn't stand up straight.  He's eyes are cloudy and empty (I'm sure from all the drugs they give him).  He's still not sleeping. Only about an hour or two a night even with all these drugs they give him to try to make him sleep.  They again have changed what they're giving him.  Nothing has worked so far.  He just remains busy all the time, pacing up and down the hall ways, getting into other people's rooms, just being busy, busy, busy.   The last two days during visiting hours, he's paid little attention that Kristi and I were there.  He'd maybe sit with us for a few minutes then he was up and back to walking the hallways.  Today I asked if I could take him down to the outdoor patio next to the cafeteria, for a walk in some fresh air.  This is first time he's seen the sun and had fresh air in  four weeks.  He seemed to like being outdoors, and almost fell asleep on me on the walk, but when we got back to his room, I asked him if he wanted to lay down and take a little nap before supper, and he said, "No."  I tired, but he just wouldn't lay down.

    Tonight during the visit, he pulled his sock off (which he does over and over) Kristi said, "Mom, look!" I looked down, and his toe nail was gone off his big toe.  When he seizured, he had hurt his toe and it was pretty banged up. I kept telling the nurses that his toenail didn't look right.  I showed it to the CNA that was helping with Todd tonight, and a little later, she found his toenail in the hall way. :-(  He doesn't act like it's hurting him, so we're hoping it's not.  

    They've gone State wide in the search for a facility for Todd. The latest possibility is over three hours away, and it's still a pretty big 'if'.  I keep praying that something would open up locally so Kristi and I would see him daily.  

     I can't begin to tell you what it's like to see someone you love so much slipping away from you. Everyday, more gone.  Sometimes, I can hardly remember what he was like normal, sometimes, I wonder where my Todd is at.  Tonight I watched an old home movie of a concert Todd and I did up in Kenmare 21 years ago, right before we left.  I have to say, we were pretty good. Always were a good team.  It was so wonderful to hear his voice, and hear him talk.  So thankful for the amazing invention of a camcorder!  Years, later we can still watch and remember.

    Today I also did something that I've put off for a long time. Canceling his cell phone.  Todd really hasn't known how to answer his phone for about a year now, but I've kept it for a safety thing, like if he got lost, maybe he would answer, or someone could help him call me.  I can hear some of you saying "that's not so, he answered when I called."  Well, if he answered when you called, it's cause I (or Kristi) was right there, and told him what to do, or opened his phone and put it up to his ear for him.   I didn't realize how hard that would be for me, I was crying while taking to the Verizon Rep.  Felt like another part of me was torn out.  I know that may sound dramatic, and a little emotional, but to be honest, it is emotional, when you have to do something you wish you weren't having to do.  

     It's been one day at time here.  Always hopeful that tomorrow will be better.  We are also waiting for that call from Tulsa to come in saying our new grand-baby is here. But as of today (10th)  it hasn't happened yet.  We're praying for Sarah and baby to have a safe delivery.  

     Thank you again for all who have prayed and said kind loving words.  Todd is such a great guy, and I can truly see how well loved he is by so many.  Thank you all for your support and love!