Cowgirl Up! and the Widow's mite

My friend Melanie, Me and her friend Debbie.  This was a major bucket list check off for Debbie to see Mt Rushmore.

    This past weekend I met up with some friends from Colorado and Maine, in Rapid City, SD kind of a midway point for us.  We had a wonderful time visiting and seeing Mount Rushmore.  On my way home on Saturday I stopped and visited with my brother-in-law,  always good to see Todd's brother and catch up on his life, and reminisce about Todd.  On my drive home, I was fighting sleep, I was super tired, due to the fact that I hadn't slept well, cause I wasn't feeling all that great.  By the time I got to Dickinson even though less than two hours from home, I pulled into a hotel to sleep.  It was a "Welcome to the Oil Field" shock on the price, but like my brother-in-law told me in his text, "better an expensive bed, than in the ditch somewhere."   Since I was in Dickinson on a Sunday morning, I decided I'd go visit "Break Forth Bible Church."  Todd and I have known Pastors Larry and Sally Phalen for many many years, and have always enjoyed their down to earth ministry.  Their love for God and enthusiasm is contagious!   What I didn't expect was to end up as Larry's sermon illustration.  He was preaching on "Cowboy Up!"  well, actually he was preaching on "Girding up the loins of your mind," but in cowboy terms that's 'Cowboy up!"  You can hear Pastor Larry's message at www.breakforthbiblechurch.com and look under livestream and archived messages for Oct. 26th.  I had to chuckle a little cause I was writing something down he had said in my notebook, when he asked me if he could pick on me for a little bit.  I looked up, totally missing what he had just said, and it slowly started to sink in he was talking to me and about me.    He basically shared a little how I've had to learn to Cowgirl Up, even in the worst of times, and still hang on to Jesus.  Like most new widows I've had to learn to do things by myself, there's that part where you pull yourself up by the boot straps and say, "I'm pressing on, I will not be defeated and I will not quit." There's the part when you have to have the revelation that 'greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world', or how I like to say it, "I'm bigger on the inside than I am on the out."  It's not me that's big on the inside, it's the God who lives in me that's big!

   

 This morning I awoke to the phrase "Giving beyond the widow's mite" rolling around in my thoughts.   I started thinking about that widow in Mark 12:41-44 and Luke 21:1-4.  Jesus was sitting by where the offerings were put in and just watching.  I've got news folks, he still watching what people give. He observed people putting in all sorts of amounts.  But along comes this poor widow, she puts in a couple of coins, and it's said were worth only pennies (in our currency), but Jesus commended her, and said she gave more than everyone else.  I'm sure his disciples were shocked. What?  a few pennies is more than all these lavish gifts?  It's can't be!  But Jesus drives his point home by saying, "They gave out of their wealth, but she out of her poverty gave everything she had."  It's not the size of the gift, but the size of the heart of the gift.  She gave all.  She was trusting that as she gave, God would supply for her when she had nothing left. Jesus was looking at her heart, and she gave all.

     I've never understood people that don't like to give or that are stingy.  They just make my head go 'tilt.' I can't understand living that way.  I've enjoyed giving and love to give.  There was one time Todd and I gave everything we had in an offering. It was kind of like that widows mite.  You'll laugh, but it was one dollar.  That was all the money we had to our name (although I think we may have had $15 dollars in a savings account that we had set aside, saving up to go to Minneapolis to hear TL Osborn preach).    I had received the dollar from my Grammie Gray that day.  I had painted her a picture of my little niece and had mailed it to her, and she sent me a dollar to cover the postage.  Todd and I at the time, were working at a ministry where it was volunteer, we had no income what to speak of.  Although our food and lodging was provided for, we still had a car payment to meet each month.  I don't know how, but we never missed a payment on that car, and I'd have to say it was all God.  Back to my dollar story; we went to church that evening and when the offering plate went around I remember thinking, I might as well give the one dollar we have, cause it won't buy us much anyway, and I'd rather seed it, than spend it.  After the service some friends asked us if we'd go out to 'coffee' with them.  My first thought was I sure hope they're paying, cause we don't have any money left to pay.  Thankfully they did pay, and we had a wonderful visit with them.  As the husband was paying the bill at the restaurant, he slipped his hand under the table and shoved a check in my hand.  When I looked at it, it was for $100!  I looked up with a the most quizzical look, like what's this for?  He said, "We just wanted to bless you."  We were blessed!  I do have to say this is the only time in my life, within hours God blessed us 100 times what we have given, but God saw past the amount and saw our hearts.  We took that $100 and the $15 in savings and went and heard TL Osborn preach, but that's a whole 'nother story.

    What is it to give past the widows mite?  What do you give when you've given all?  You give your heart.  You give your time.  You give your talents.  You just give all.  I have found in life the best way to solve selfishness is to just give.   

    There's the giving that has nothing to do with money.  It's the giving of your heart and life.  I found myself there a lot taking care of Todd the last few years.  I have journal entry after journal entry crying out to God, "I can't do this anymore," but I did.  I kept caring for him, I kept loving him.  Even when it came to the point, where I couldn't physically do it any longer, his care needs were becoming beyond my ability, and my own health was breaking down.  I still gave what I had. There wasn't a lot of Kelley left by then, but I gave him everything I had.  Even when I had to surrender his physical care to health care professionals, and my heart broke in two again, I was there for him every minute I could be.  I gave to Todd even in my 'poverty of strength' I still gave him all I had.  If you don't believe me, I challenge you to go care for someone failing of dementia or Alzheimer's, and do that 24/7 all by yourself, and see how long you last.   It's not an easy job.  My heart goes out to the many people who are in that position.  There is no break, there is no relief, it's 24/7 care, that most people have no clue how hard it really is.  But love still keeps giving.   Walking through it all I've learned how to Cowgirl Up and know that the greater one lives on the inside of me, and He never quits or gives up, so neither should I.

Now I lay me down...

This morning, I awoke early and did some reading, and then for some reason, I laid my head down on Todd's pillow.  I've rarely touched it since he died, or even since he went into the hospital.  As I laid on his pillow missing him, my thoughts started rhyming.  So I sat up and wrote this down in my notebook.  

I've rarely pulled the covers back

Except to change the sheets

Your pillow I left untouched 

Beside me when I sleep

But this morning in the early light 

I gently laid my head

Upon your pillow empty still

Wishing to hear your heart beat.

I heard no sound, yes, I know

For that's impossible to hear

I only heard the rushing cars

And traffic way too near.

You're not here to warm my feet

When they are freezing in the night

Or scratch my forever itchy back

Or pray my nightmares take flight

My life is so utterly different now

WIthout you by my side

I'm having to live each new day

Trusting in His grace to abide

I've been finding out who I really am

The Kelley deep down inside

And all the things He put in me

Uncovering His plan for my life

Well, the alarm clock finally went off

Though I've been awake for hours

Reading through the piles of Bibles and books

Finding comfort in this early morning hour.

Love at the bottom of a stock tank

Photo credit to Susanna Dagley

 I have this alarm clock in my bedroom that Todd and I have had for years.  I mean years! I can hardly remember not having it.  I believe my Mom and Dad gave it to us on one of those first Christmas.  It has really big numbers so we both could see it at night, but it has one problem.  It is alway running fast, it's always ahead of time.  Every once in a while, I have to reset it, as it's 5, 10, 15, or creeping up even more minutes ahead of the actual time.  But for the most part I'd leave it till it was really bad.  Why? Because for the most part, Todd was always running behind.  It kind of runs in his family, and was the standard Reuer joke, as to how late members of the family were going to be for any holiday gathering.  Todd was no exception.  He always had more to do than time allowed, but he thought he could get it done anyway, thus making him untimely late.  So I'd leave the clock a few minutes ahead, knowing that was at least giving him a head start.

    I on the other hand, am the kind of person, if I arrive 10 mintues early, I'm late.  I hate showing up at the last minute, or God forbid, actually late for something!  Life called for adjustment when I married Todd, lots of adjustments!  We eventually compromised, and would arrive somewhat on time.  This drove my family nuts as they always wanted to know days ahead what time we would be arriving, what could I tell them?  When we get there, we'll be there!  

    Just yesterday though, I got a message from a young lady that showed me Todd wasn't always late, sometimes he was just on time.   This young lady and her husband work on a ranch where Todd and I use to work many years ago.  They actually live in the house that Todd and I lived in.  Her husband was out fixing a stock tank and had to drain it to get it fixed.  When the tank was drained is when they found it.  Formed in the cement was a big heart with the initials; TR + KR  Romans 5:5.   I just sat and cried when I read her message.  Romans 5:5 was our wedding scripture.  "...For the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost who is given unto us."  Yah, it looks like Todd was the one who poured the cement for that stock tank, and he wanted it remembered for all time, the love we have for each each other and why.  Because God had poured his love into our hearts.    He wasn't late on that one, he was right on time.  Now almost 20 years later, from when he did that,  it was a reminder to me on how much he loved me.  I wish they would have taken a picture of it for me, but the tank has been refilled so that's not possible, but the love note hidden for years at the bottom of a stock tank was found.  Some people just use sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, Todd wrote it in cement! 

Ambused

Lovely picture of Todd and I when we were dating. And yes, his hat was too small for me, which means I have a really big head, Todd wore a 7 3/8 hat size and that's too small for me!  Love our glasses.  (I couldn't think of a picture of an ambush, so I thought I'd post an old one of us instead.  It really has nothing to do with this blog.)

Ambush- noun- 1. an act or instance of attacking unexpectedly from a concealed position.

    A noun is a person, place or thing, or idea, so in the case of the word ambush, it's a thing.  In the last 10 months I've been experiencing it, but until tonight I didn't have a name for it.  So let me explain.

    It's called an ambush of grief.  I find myself going along doing quite well, when all of a sudden something hits you, a song, a smell, a picture, and you're hit in the gut with grief.  I got ambushed last night.  No one else knew (I don't think anyway), they probably just thought I was being touched by God in some way, as the tears ran down my face.

   I was sitting at a Concert at a church up the street and listening to a Gospel group called Three Bridges. (By the way they are really good!)  Well, Three Bridges had gotten wind of the fact that the pastor of that church and his family sang together, so they asked them to do a song.  They sang a wonderful song called "I Get To." (I think that was the name anyway), but then I got ambushed.  It wasn't even the song, it was just hearing this husband and wife and son sing together.  I began to weep, for Todd and I use to sing together a lot (never could talk the kids into singing with us though).  I sat there listening to them sing, knowing here is another loss for me.  Yes, I have realized it before this, especially when I've song a couple of the songs that Todd and I use to do together this summer, and realized I can't sing them in the same key anymore, cause Todd always sang melody, and his voice was much higher than mine, so now, I'm dropping the key down to adjust to my voice.  But there's no more harmony for me on those songs, I'm singing solo now, in more ways than one.   

    There's no warning to an ambushment.  If you knew it was coming you wouldn't be ambushed.  This isn't the first time I've been an ambushed by grief in the last 10 months, and I'm sure it won't be the last.  It always hits when you don't expect it, of course that's why it's called an ambush.

    There's other times when it's finding something he wrote, or seeing a picture of him I'd forgotten about.  Bamm!  I get hit!  There's those times when I've seen someone that we haven't seen for a long time, and I have this thought I can't wait to tell Todd that I saw them, and then realize I can't, he's not here.  

    Although I know I'll probably get ambushed again, I'm also confident in this: …"I do not have to be afraid, for He has ransomed me. He has called me by name, and I am his.  When I go through the deep waters, He will be with me. When I go through rivers of difficulty, I will not drown. When I walk through the fire of oppression, I will not be burned up, the flames will not consume me." (Isaiah 43:1-2- my Paraphrase)  

  God has proven himself to me over and over again. He is still with me, even when I'm ambushed and taken by surprise, he walks with me through it.