"Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife..."

    "Hello, this is Kelley, Todd's wife." I've been saying that one a lot the last few days, since I didn't meet all the staff at the Tioga Nursing Home, I always feel the need to make sure they know who they're talking to.  It's always nice when I'm talking to one of the staff member I remember meeting, so there's a face with the voice.  

     Today I got to thinking about that phrase a little bit deeper.  Often when meeting someone we identify ourselves by what we do, or who we're related to.  Such as, "Hi, I'm Bob, I work in Marketing, etc..."  "Hi, I'm Kathy, Matt's mom..."  you get the picture.  We're giving the person we're meeting a common ground, some place to start this relationship or conversation.  But is it more than that?  Yes, it can be.  Men (and women too) often find their identity in what they do for a living.  Their job often gives them value. But is that who they really are?  No, they're more than a job title.

  There's a song that's very popular right now on the Christian Charts. "Hello My Name Is"  It's a great song with a great message.  Basically, saying you're not a looser, or other things you've been labeled, you're a child of the One True King. 

   But back to my thought.  I'm identifying who I am as Todd's wife.  Not his 'live in', not his 'significant other,'  I'm his wife.  I made a committment (so did he) at that altar on a very cold January day back in 1982.  That's why they're called "Vows".  Have we ever been tempted to break it?  Oh, I'm sure we can both say, yes, a time or two, we wanted to throw in the towel, call it quits, it was too hard to work things through. (Believe me, Todd's and my personalities are about as opposite as they can be.)  But we made a promise, a committement to each other, and neither of us took it lightly.  It's something that so few people get these days.  It's not, well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce.  Not an option folks.  Not here in this house.  There's a sign that's been hanging on our bed (we have a log bed, so yes, it actually hangs on our bed) since we first married that says, "Choose you this day, whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord."  Every day is a Choice.  Somedays the choice is harder than others, but it's still a choice.

    I chose to love Todd and stayed through those hard years, and I still choose today.  I told Tyson once, that my loyalty goes deeper than my love, but I'm finding out in that loyalty is a love so deep that you can't divide it from the loyalty.  

    When you're man and wife you really are one.  I've found it interesting, that over the last month and half with him in the hospital and now the nursing home, I often wake up in the middle of the night for no reason.  I often pray.  Then when checking with staff the next day, when I woke up was when Todd was up.    There's more to being one with someone than sex.  It's two hearts beating in separate chests but as one.  It's wanting to meet the other ones needs before your own.  It's laying down your life, your dreams, your wants, to see them succeed.  It's working as a team, or as Todd would always say "Pards." (slang for partners for those uncowboy lingo people out there.)  It's learning to "cleave" as the Bible calls it.  "For a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife."  Too many don't leave, and they never learn to cleave either.

      Last night I was missing Todd so much and the tears were coming again, I told Kristi, for over 31 years (will be 32 in January)  I've never been apart from him.  Oh, we've both taken maybe a week trip somewhere (me more than him) but we always knew we were coming back.  But this is so different, and I'm having a very hard time adjusting.  Everywhere I look in our house, I see Todd.  I so want him here still with me, sharing moments together.  Rejoicing hopefully today that a new grandchild is born. (Sarah's in labor at the time of this writing).  It's hard to crawl into bed every night knowing the other pillow is empty, there's no one there to scratch my back,  no one there to hug and kiss good night.  No one to pray with when I'm hurting.  Yes, I know there's people praying for me, and at times with me, but none like Todd.  He was my best prayer partner ever.  No one has ever known my heart like him.  

     I did finally get to talk to Todd today. Every time I've called to check on him, he's been sleeping (except one time he was walking the halls with one of the CNA's).  It's very hard to talk to him, as he doesn't respond much, but he did try to say a few words, not that much of it made sense.  I told him about Sarah who's in labor ready to have the baby, about the new house Tyson and Sarah found and get to move to soon, about Phil's new place he's living, and about Qutio getting sick again, and Kristi being in a parade.  I told him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  I told him Kristi, Quito and I are going to come see him this weekend. Although he doesn't respond much, and I can't see his facial expressions over a phone line, I hope he's still hearing in his heart what I'm saying.  (The nurse said he was having a better day today.)

     Todd would always say he was proud to have me as his wife, I was his favorite singer, and the best 'cooker' around. (a way to a man's heart is through his stomach you know)  When he asked me 32 years ago, on that hot 4th of July day "If maybe I'd want to marry this old cowboy."  I'm still glad I said yes.   

   I'm Kelley, Todd's wife.       

Todd's address in Tioga

The picture below was one of the days we went for a walk outside in the patio area.  

A couple of people have asked me for Todd's address up in Tioga.  This is the address that is posted at the nursing home for mail to come to the residents.
Todd can't read much anymore, but I'm sure one of the staff members there would read to him.

 Todd is pretty none verbal right now, most of his replies are "yup, or yes", and what he does try to say doesn't make much sense.  Telephone calls are allowed and they will bring a phone to him and put it to his ear, but it's quite difficult for him to have conversation. Requesting information about Todd from the staff is NOT allowed so don't ask them. Don't make them feel uncomfortable having to tell you that you're not authorized to receive information.  

An Incrediably hard day for me Sept 20 update

    Last night as I went to bed, I heard the first couple lines of this poem that follows rolling around in my head.  Folks, I don't know how to do this.  There's nothing I've ever been through or learned before that could prepare me for this.  To have to leave Todd today at the nursing home, and drive home, about did me in.  I stood there sobbing next to him while he slept in a recliner, and one of the CNA's came over and put her arms around me and just let me cry on her shoulder.  (she's one of the cute Spanish speaking gals there, although her English is flawless.)  I handed her a piece a paper with this poem on it, that I wrote for Todd, and asked if someone could please read it to him when he wakes up.  I doubt he'll understand it, but I still wanted it read to him.  I had planned on reading it to him myself, but he didn't wake up while I was there, and I needed to get on the road before it was too late.  

     They had told me that he was so unstable this morning, they had to bring him to breakfast in a wheel chair. My heart broke some more.  He slept through lunch.  I called the nursing home tonight and they said, he ate very little at supper and went to bed early again, and was sleeping.  They said he's been talking in his sleep a lot and very loudly.  At first they couldn't figure out who was talking so loud, and then realized it was Todd.  They said his hands were moving and gesturing like he was talking, but it didn't make any sense.  I told them Todd has always talked in his sleep and sometimes has said the funniest things, he once carried on a lengthy phone conversation with someone, and he was totally asleep.

     I made it home by about 5:30 exhausted.  Kristi and I ate some supper, she mowed the lawn, I picked the tomatoes in the garden then took Quito for a walk around the neighborhood.  Everyday things seem so strange to be doing, I felt like I've been through some kind of unreal-world time warp, and I know it's not over.

   Tomorrow Kristi will be the Autumnfest Parade here in Bismarck.  This year she in the front row of the Century Patriot Band. So look for that cute flute  player in the middle.  

  Below is the poem I wrote for Todd last night.

Keeping You in My Heart

How do I live this life apart

I don't know where to start

It's tearing up my heart

You've always been by my side

Our love we did not hide

I thought we always would abide.

But it's more than I can take

I wish that I could make

This life better for your sake.

I'm doing all that I can do

To show you I love you 

Please love me back too.

So in Him I must be strong

To trust you in His arms belong

And worship Him with my song.

So while we are apart

From His love we will not depart

I keep you in my heart.

"May The Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent from each other."

Life in a nursing home- Sept 19

   So far the staff at Tioga Nursing Home has been wonderful.  There's staff here from all over the US and the world actually.  It's amazing to find diversification like this in North Dakota, but then again this is the oil field.

    The last few days Todd has been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.  I think his body is trying to make up for 5 horrendous weeks in the hospital not sleeping, compounded upon the months and months at home he was not sleeping. His walking is unsteady, and needs assistance, (not a walker, just a person supporting him sometimes) but I also think this is from the sleep deprivation. I've asked the nurse if they've changed any meds since being here, and they said, actually they aren't even giving him some that the Psych Ward kept giving him to calm him down.  I'm so thankful that this nursing home has a no restraint policy, which means they won't physically restrain him in any way, nor will they with any drugs.  They want people to live the best. I'm so thankful!!  

   He is still on the seizure medication, and I think a sleep aid, but I don't think they've had to give  him the sleep aide a couple nights cause he's been sleeping on his own.

  Some of the other residents think I work there, and keep asking me for things, which I have no idea where or what they're wanting.  Many of them have asked me what's wrong with Todd.  I just tell him he had a head injury, and they seem to understand then.  

   This is not a lock facility as some are, but they have Todd on a Wander Guard.  It looks kind of like a watch band. If Todd gets near a door it locks or if he goes through an open door an alarm will sound.  They also put a bed alarm on his bed, as he fell early Tuesday morning getting out of bed. This way they know if he tries to get up on his own. (he fell again last night, but they said it was more like he just rolled out of bed, so they now have a padded mat beside his bed)

   

   Finally met his roommate James yesterday.  He just had his 90th birthday on Monday.  He said his eyesight is pretty bad.  When I told him that Todd's middle name was James, he smiled, and I said we also had a son with a middle name James.  He seemed to like that.     

 

  It's an interesting experience for me to be here in a nursing home, with Todd.  I've always been afraid of nursing homes, which is kind of weird since Todd and I have ministered in several nursing homes through out the years.  Kristi and I have even gone several times and performed for the nursing home in Napoleon, singing and playing our flutes.  We'd both laugh at ourselves, cause we were so out of our comfort zone.  Now I'm in a totally different position, as my other half is living here.  I suddenly see nursing homes from a totally different view.

   Tonight a group came in and played music. Old country tunes and polkas and waltzs.  I ended up singing with them, although I didn't know one song, but I can harmonize with anything and if you give me the words.  They even pulled me out on the dance floor and got me to dance, oh my! someone has got to teach me how to two step. I'm a complete klutz! 

   We have run into a little snag with Todd, in that he's gained so much weight in the hospital his jeans no longer fit!  He has weighed the same since high school never gaining a pound, until his time at the hospital.  We literally can not get his pants buttoned.  He's eating like crazy, grabbing at any food he finds plus the meals provided.  Several residents have commented on how much he eats.  Yup, Todd has always been able to put away the food.  I told him he was starting to look pudgy like me.(although not as pudgy as me) Now I need to get him bigger jeans.  Never thought I'd ever see that on Todd.

(just trying to get him to smile)

   Tomorrow morning I leave to go home.  Leaving him here will be really hard for me. I know he's in good hands, but just having him so far away is tearing me apart.  Having to learn the meaning of "Trusting the Lord" in a very hard way.

     On another family note, we're still waiting for that grandbaby to be born.  Praying lots for Sarah and baby. Hopefully very soon! She's 6 days over her due date.

Hearing the Sounds and Update on Todd in Tioga Sept 17 am

 
Sitting here on Tande's porch, I hear the sound of geese and ducks honking their calls, of cows mooing off in the distance.  The birds are calling out their cries as they fly over the lake.  Listening closer there are crickets and frogs, bringing forth their songs.  I'm starting to hear the rustle of the grass as the wind picks up.  I hear the dogs playing in the drive way.  Off in the distance, the roar of semi's rolling down the road, clicking as they pass over the joints in the highway, the hustle and bustle of this oil field life.  Some sounds so easy to hear, others you have to focus on to really catch it.  

But there's a sound my ears can't pick up, the sounds of The Lord speaking in a still small voice, not the sounds my natural ears hear, but sounds of the Spirit that only my spirit can hear.  Those are the sounds I so need to hear.  Sometimes life can so clog my hearing, life gets busy and messy, and my hearing gets faint.  Help me to hear.

    Now I hear the sounds of the dogs claws clicking on the deck while they come to where I'm sitting, I think my quiet has ended. :-)

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. ... Your strength comes from God’s grace,... . (Hebrews 13:8, 9 NLT)

My strength will come from God's grace. My verse for today.   God I need your divine influence in my life today! 

Update on Todd

  We arrived in Tioga about 1:30 yesterday. My Dad drove us up here in his vehicle.  Todd slept till about Minot, and was fairly peaceful till we got close to Tioga and then he started to try to get the door open and get out of the car.  

   He was extremely agitated on entering the Nursing Home, which we all kind of expected to happen.  Within the first half hour or so he managed to  break the faucet in the bathroom in his room.  (the water up here is very corrosive, and it must have been fairly corroded, so when he grabbed it, he just bent it over (Todd is still VERY strong).  

   I had to meet and sign papers with several people.  While meeting with one of them, Todd managed to pull down his pants and pee in the lobby.  This is so hard for me to understand as Todd has always been the most modest person I have ever known.  Just ask my boys, they can't even count on one hand the number of times they've seen their Dad in his shorts.  That just wasn't proper to Todd.  Now because of all this awful disease, he's dropping his pants in public and peeing.  My heart breaks more.

    Todd paced up and down the hall ways, and kept entering other residents rooms.  Either I or one of the CNA's kept having to get him out.  He was acting very angry at me.  He kept pushing me away when I tried to walk with him.  At one point he grabbed my hand and tried to pull my wedding ring off.  I told him "No, I'm always your wife, this does not mean I do not love you." I tried to tell him that I don't want this any more than he does.  My heart broke some more.

    At one point a man who was there visiting his mother came up to me and said, "Is that guy, gonna keep going into people's rooms?"  (Todd had walked into his mother's room I guess).  I replied back to him "That 'guy' is my husband, and yes, he probably will do that for awhile." and then I walked away crying. (I guess I looked like a staff member as I had on white pants and a white shirt jacket, today I'll make sure I'm in jeans)  The man did come up and apologize, sort of, for his comments.  He said it just scared his mother when Todd came in.

    Early this morning I got a call from the nursing home that they had found Todd on the floor about 4:30 this morning.  It looked like he had fallen.  They're not sure what had happened, as he had been sleeping in his bed.  His knees are red like that's where he hit when he fell, but other than that they couldn't find any other injury.

    We did get a visit yesterday, from a Pastor Jeremy from the Assembly church in Tioga.  He brought Todd a nice arrangement of flowers with a cowboy boot in it. How kind and thoughtful of him.  God bringing strangers into our lives, to help and stand with us.

    I can't begin to tell you how my heart breaks for Todd.  I know I'm not alone in this world in having to put a loved one in a nursing home, but when he's only 52, there's just something that makes it even harder.  Just by looking at Todd you would never know there's anything wrong. He's still as good looking as he was when we first met and married. (how come he still looks the same, and I don't? sigh...)  As hard as this is for Todd to adjust to this change, it's also hard for me.  I fight constantly the feelings that I've betrayed my best friend.  I have to constantly go back to the Word of God where it says  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way." (Proverbs 3:5, 6 GNT)   Todd loved this translation of this verse. "Never rely on what you think you know." 

 Trust.  Something that's easily said, but not so easily done.    May I today learn to trust Him even more.

     Thank you again for letting me bare my heart in public. This is not easy to do.  I'm not perfect, I struggle daily living this life just like you probably do.   I know so many of you love Todd very much, and want to be informed as to how he is, for those that don't care for him or me, I doubt you're taking the time to read any way.  

Turquoise and Sapphires

Suffering city, you have been beaten by storms. You have not been comforted. I will rebuild you with turquoise stones. I will rebuild your foundations with sapphires. (Isaiah 54:11 NIRV)

This was a scripture that 'came alive' to me over a month ago.  I felt like that suffering city and being beaten by storms and the worst of the storm hadn't even begun then.  But the part that really spoke to my heart was  the rebuilding with turquoise stones and sapphires.  I believe the translation I was reading in that day called it: lapis lazuli.   I remember reading that and thinking what in the world is lapis lazuli?  I don't know many precious stones, and I don't know if that's a common name for one.  So I looked in other translations and the Bible dictionary and found most of them translated the word as sapphires. Now I do know what sapphires are.  Todd and I use to live in the Sapphire Mountains when we were first married.  But I'm sorry to say I never went mining for a sapphire (how ever it's done) but I did know someone who did.  Always have thought sapphires to be really pretty, and of course turquoise too.  But leaving all that behind, when I was reading this scripture, I 'saw' in my minds eye this pretty ring or necklace with a sapphire in the middle and turquoise all around it.  And had this sense of God saying "I'll rebuild you with these precious stones as your foundation."  I don't think He was really talking about real stones either.  I think what God was trying to minister to my heart was even though I'm in a suffering 'city' and beaten by this storm of life, He can rebuild my life and the foundation would be so solid, it would be as precious stones.  

    I remember sharing this scripture with a dear lady at our church, telling her what I 'saw' and what I felt The Lord was trying to encourage me with.  This morning when I got to church, she came up to me with a gift bag and told me I needed to open it up right away.  Well, I found a gift card for Kristi in there for Barnes and Nobles (Kristi's favorite place you know, it full of books!) and there was this really nice card and some cash in the bag signed by many families in the church. I thanked her and said that was so thoughtful.  She told me to keep looking as there was more in the bag.  I finally found the coolest box I have ever seen (three sided and looked like blue silk). I couldn't figure out how to open it when she told me to squeeze the ends. When I did, out dropped this very cool and beautiful necklace, with a sapphire colored  blue stone in the middle with 5 turquoise colored stones surrounding it.  I just cried.  She said they had put a turquoise stone for each member of my family. Todd and I and the three kids.  It is  now a constant reminder of how God is on our side rebuilding our lives.  Do I see it yet manifested in the natural? No, not really, but I am hopeful and have the promise of His word and that should be enough to hold me in my right now, at this moment time.  Tomorrow, I'll have that days 'now'.

     Thank you Word of Faith Church! You are a caring loving church. I know many of you have been praying for us.  Thank you so much.

     So if you life is battered by the storms of life too, know that there's a rebuilding that God wants to do in you too. Building beautiful Sapphires and turquoise in your foundation.

      Again I want to thank all those who have stopped and visited Todd these five long weeks in the hospital.  My sisters Debbie and Kim, who where there so much with me and Kristi, singing and praying.  Pastor Tim, Pastor Dom, Pastor Jonathan and Pam (Pricilla and Daniel too), Pastor Deanna,  My Mom, LaRue and Tracie, Becky, Pat, Keith, Ellene, Lee, Pat F, Theresa, and anyone else I missed.  Thank you again to Pastor Dom and Linda, who came to my house when I felt I was falling apart, and couldn't breath another breath. They helped me to catch my breath, and know that God was breathing life into me.

    The story is not over, but we're turning the chapter.  We'll have to find a new normal in our life. Though I don't know if that's possible. But then again, normal is only a setting on your dryer.

A Request   

  Many people have asked if there's anything they can do for us.  I hate to even ask, and it's kind of a strange request, but ever since we moved in and gotten settled in our house, I've had this pile of boxes of stuff I was planning on rummage saling on Pow Wow weekend (last weekend).  There was no way I could do that with Todd in the hospital.  Now with him being so far away, We'll probably be spending a lot of our weekends up in Tioga with him. The problem is I really want to have my garage space back before winter sets in.  (Kristi wants to park her car inside too).  If there's anyone who has the skill and ability, and actually likes to do those things, to put on a rummage sale for me with all this stuff.  Who knows if anyone would even want any of it, but it's worth trying.  I really lack skill in this area, since it's been about 20 years since I've had a rummage sale.  But if it's something someone would really like to do, let me know.             

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

  We've all heard that phase, turning lemons into lemonade.  But the process of doing that is a little more difficult.

 Just think of it from the lemons perspective! 

It must be squeezed till all that makes it a lemon is squeezed out, then it must be diluted down and then finally sweetened, chilled and served. 

    Col 4: 5 says it like this "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders, make the most of every opportunity." (NIV) The 'making the most of every opportunity', is what hit me.  I believe KJV says "To redeem the time." 

  In Vine's it says of this verse and the word REDEEM:  "buying up the opportunity. "Redeeming the time," Time being "a season" i.e. Making the most of every opportunity, turning each to the best advantage since not can be recalled if missed.

   So Lord teach me to make the most of every opportunity. Turning this to the best advantage, since this day, this opportunity will never be here again.

    The actual process by which I turn this lemon of time I'm in right now into something sweet and refreshing is the part that's really hard.  I guess it gets down to am I going to get bitter or better, the only  difference in those two words is "i".  It's up to me.  Can I make the most of this time?  Will I? Should I?  Yes, I really should.  The will and can is up to me.

     Can I make the most of packing my husbands clothes up and sending him off to a nursing home almost 4 hours away, where, I know I won't be able to see him very often.  Can I be still be a blessing to him, and those he now will encounter?  Lord please help me to be.  Will all that makes me a lemon be squeezed out and made into a refreshing drink? Lord please help me!  I want to refresh and encourage others that they too can make it through even their darkest nights.  There is a dawn someday, and a new day.  Let the joy come in the morning!

  Lately, I feel I've been squeeze and squeezed, and hit over and over.  I certainly don't know the 'whys' and hard times in life are probably not over (they really don't end till we die).  But there is one thing I know has remained true through it all.  That I can still rejoice in my Lord. Rejoice for all this? NO!  But rejoice in it. There is a big difference.  "Yeh, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me."  I want you to know, I have no intentions of setting up camp in this valley, I'm walking THROUGH it.  And He's with me.

   

They called it good news, but I cried and cried

      Got a call this morning from the social worker at the hospital.  She said she had good news but sort of bad news.  A nursing home in Tioga ND had called and said they would take Todd.  Tioga is about 200 miles from Bismarck, in the heart of the  Bakken Oil Field.  With Medicaid, I'm not given a choice nor can I say "no, I want to wait for something closer."  You have to go where there is an opening.  (I can still have his name on lists here in Bismarck to get him back closer eventually).  

   All I can say, is I cried so hard I collapsed to the floor.  I feel like someone just ripped my heart out.  On this afternoons visit I had to tell Todd what is going to happen.  I took him for a walk outside in the courtyard again off the cafeteria.  We sat down for a little bit and I told him that he was going to be going to a nursing home.  I asked him if he knows what that is, he said yes.  (but he says yes to most any question you ask, so I never know if he's really understanding or not).  I told him the bad news is it's really far away, and I won't be able to see him every day.  I told him the good news is that he won't have to wear these awful hospital clothes anymore, and he can again wear his western shirts and jeans and boots. He had a little smile on that one.  

   I felt he was a little bit better today, he put a couple of words together and was trying to talk a little bit more.  They are taking him off one kind of seizure meds and switching to another, so maybe that is helping.  He was very "busy" tonight, walking the halls.  At one point he was acting like he was looking for something, and I asked him what he was looking for. He said he was "looking for Kelley."  I stooped down and looked up at him (he's still stooped over) and said, "I'm right here. :-)"   

    Does he know I'm there, and still recognize me. I really don't know.  I go anyway.  I sing, and I pray with him, I love him and let him know it.  

    So on Monday, I will have to take him to Tioga, I'm not looking forward to it, or even the thought of him so far away, and having to drive up there in the oil fields.  (if you're from ND you know what this means).  

    I continue to pray for an opening here in Bismarck/Mandan.  

Four Weeks too long!

   Today marked Todd being in the hospital for four weeks.  If you would have told me four weeks ago, he'd still be there, I'd tell you were crazy.  The worst part is, he's worse off now than he was four weeks ago.  

   Since the seizures on the 1st of Sept, he really isn't talking any more, except a few words here and there.  He doesn't sing with us anymore either. He's stooped over and doesn't stand up straight.  He's eyes are cloudy and empty (I'm sure from all the drugs they give him).  He's still not sleeping. Only about an hour or two a night even with all these drugs they give him to try to make him sleep.  They again have changed what they're giving him.  Nothing has worked so far.  He just remains busy all the time, pacing up and down the hall ways, getting into other people's rooms, just being busy, busy, busy.   The last two days during visiting hours, he's paid little attention that Kristi and I were there.  He'd maybe sit with us for a few minutes then he was up and back to walking the hallways.  Today I asked if I could take him down to the outdoor patio next to the cafeteria, for a walk in some fresh air.  This is first time he's seen the sun and had fresh air in  four weeks.  He seemed to like being outdoors, and almost fell asleep on me on the walk, but when we got back to his room, I asked him if he wanted to lay down and take a little nap before supper, and he said, "No."  I tired, but he just wouldn't lay down.

    Tonight during the visit, he pulled his sock off (which he does over and over) Kristi said, "Mom, look!" I looked down, and his toe nail was gone off his big toe.  When he seizured, he had hurt his toe and it was pretty banged up. I kept telling the nurses that his toenail didn't look right.  I showed it to the CNA that was helping with Todd tonight, and a little later, she found his toenail in the hall way. :-(  He doesn't act like it's hurting him, so we're hoping it's not.  

    They've gone State wide in the search for a facility for Todd. The latest possibility is over three hours away, and it's still a pretty big 'if'.  I keep praying that something would open up locally so Kristi and I would see him daily.  

     I can't begin to tell you what it's like to see someone you love so much slipping away from you. Everyday, more gone.  Sometimes, I can hardly remember what he was like normal, sometimes, I wonder where my Todd is at.  Tonight I watched an old home movie of a concert Todd and I did up in Kenmare 21 years ago, right before we left.  I have to say, we were pretty good. Always were a good team.  It was so wonderful to hear his voice, and hear him talk.  So thankful for the amazing invention of a camcorder!  Years, later we can still watch and remember.

    Today I also did something that I've put off for a long time. Canceling his cell phone.  Todd really hasn't known how to answer his phone for about a year now, but I've kept it for a safety thing, like if he got lost, maybe he would answer, or someone could help him call me.  I can hear some of you saying "that's not so, he answered when I called."  Well, if he answered when you called, it's cause I (or Kristi) was right there, and told him what to do, or opened his phone and put it up to his ear for him.   I didn't realize how hard that would be for me, I was crying while taking to the Verizon Rep.  Felt like another part of me was torn out.  I know that may sound dramatic, and a little emotional, but to be honest, it is emotional, when you have to do something you wish you weren't having to do.  

     It's been one day at time here.  Always hopeful that tomorrow will be better.  We are also waiting for that call from Tulsa to come in saying our new grand-baby is here. But as of today (10th)  it hasn't happened yet.  We're praying for Sarah and baby to have a safe delivery.  

     Thank you again for all who have prayed and said kind loving words.  Todd is such a great guy, and I can truly see how well loved he is by so many.  Thank you all for your support and love!

    

Sept 6th morning Update on Todd

While on the Medical floor they let Todd wear his hat, made him feel good. They won't let him have it on the Psych Ward.

How can I begin to describe what has been going on this week with Todd and I.  As I've posted in previous post, early Sunday morning, Todd had two seizures.  He was in ICU for a while then moved to Medical floor.  The staff there, was for the most part doing great with Todd, always having someone with him. (except when I was there, then they let us have our time together, but was always there, to assist if I needed help).  

   On Tues, I came home from the hospital to make some lunch for Kristi and I and after lunch, I told her, I didn't feel well, like my whole insides are shaking.  She encouraged me to just go lay down for awhile.  I did manage to sleep for maybe 20 minutes.  Shortly after awaking up, I got a very disturbing phone call.  I guess someone out there, doesn't think I'm doing a good job with Todd, or just wanted to be spiteful and mean.  Who ever this misinformed person is, they reported me to Adult Protection Agency saying I was abusing and neglecting Todd.  I was like WHAT?!!!  Amazing how in this country, you don't have to identify yourself to report someone, and that person reported is guilty until proven innocent.  I'm not sure where anyone could even get the idea of abuse and neglect with Todd and myself.  Lets see, I 24/7 watched him, bathed him, wiped his butt, cleaned up his messes, help him brush his teeth, helped him shave, provided good delicious food (way better than the hospitals)  laughed with him, cried with him, prayed with him, sang with him, up all night with him, trying to get him to go to sleep (I won't bother to continue, I think you get the picture).  But I guess in someones eyes that's abuse and neglect.   

    Todd has made improvement since the seizures on Sunday, and is back to walking better and more like he was before the seizures. His tongue is still swollen, but is healing, and he's eating much better now, and can finally feed himself again.  

    Then yesterday afternoon, while sitting with Todd in his room, and nurse came in with some papers saying "I just need your signature, before the transfer."   I said, "We're going somewhere?"  She then replied "No one's talked to you?"  I said I hadn't had a doctor talk to me since Tues. (yesterday was Thurs)  She got up and left the room.  One of the social workers came in to speak to me (not the doctor, who still has not spoken to me).  He (the social worker) said they want to move Todd back to the Psych Ward cause it's a locked unit, so he can do his wandering with out their worry of loosing him.  The Psych Ward is NOT a good place for Todd, I know cause that's where he's been for the last 3 weeks.  He's not crazy and does not have a psych issue. He has a brain injury with dementia symptoms.  What really makes me mad is no doctor spoke to me, and also on Monday (or was it Tues) the Neurologist told me he would not go back to Psych cause this is not a psych issue, this is a medical issue.  There's something  else wrong.  They have stopped the Parkinson's medication as they no longer think this is the issue. I never did think it was.   He is still on anti-seizure meds.  And of course they keep him doped up hoping he'd sleep.   When he got moved to the psych ward, I did speak to the Social Worker there, and told her how upset I was with this move, and the care (or lack of it) he's gotten on that floor.  All she could say was she'd speak to her supervisor.    

    All I can say, is in this country there is little place provided for the brain injured.  If you're mental retarded, there's provision. If you're elderly and have Alzheimer's, there's provision. But if you're young (I still view Todd and myself as young) and have a brain injury, there's not much out there.  People don't want to be bothered with you, and most people just don't understand it at all. 

    Now that Todd's back on the Psych Ward, I have very limited time I can visit him.  There's only one hour time slot in the afternoon, and 2 hours in the evening I'm allowed in.  I REALLY hate this!  

    On the home front, Kristi and I started our home school the day after Labor Day (when all schools should start by the way) and this makes the 21st year for me as a home school mom.  Kristi is also taking Band and Art at Century High School.  Tonight she'll have her first pep band performance at the Century football game. (don't ask me who they're playing cause I haven't a clue).  Kristi has been such a trouper, getting her work done here at home at CHS and also visiting her Dad.  Yah, she's still the same, she doesn't say much, but when she does, you better listen cause she has something usually profound and insightful to say.  Love that girl!

   The boys (Tyson and Philip) along with our wonderful daughter-in-law, Sarah, have kept in frequent contact with me.  Both boys wish they were here to support, but it's totally impossible, as Phil just started his internship in Colorado Springs, and Sarah is about ready to have her baby any day now. (her due date is 9-11)  But babies come when they want to.  I so want to be there for the birth, but know that might not be possible. Sarah's mom, Amy has promised to Skype or FaceTime me when the baby is born so I can see our new little bundle of Joy. (Tyson and Sarah live in Tulsa).  I can't brag enough on my kids, how they've supported me, and love me and their father so much.  I truly feel blessed beyond words.

   About 1 am this morning, I awoke, and was thinking about Psalms 23.  It keeps being a repeated theme over the last month for me.  But I got to thinking about it from not so much a shepherd and sheep, but maybe a cowboy's perspective.  So this is what I came up with:

The Lord is my cowboy, I don't have to worry about anything, cause he's got all my needs covered.

The leads me to lush green pastures,(rotational grazing of course) and makes sure all my water tanks are full.

He gets all my thinking straight, and leads me to places that are good for me.  I brag about him all the time.

Even when we're walking through rattle snake infested country, I'm not afraid, cause He's right there beside me, His rope and 6 shooter there to protect me.

He prepares my food all summer so I always have lots to eat.  He anoints my head with stuff to keep away the flies and fleas.  His care is nonstop 24/7 he's got me covered.

His cowdogs "Goodness" and "Mercy" follow me around, always getting me to barn where I'm sheltered and safe all my days. 

Sept 2nd Update on Todd

Came down to the hospital this morning to see Todd about 9 am.  He was still sleeping and had slept all night! I'm sure it still was a very drugged sleep, but at least he was sleeping.  We got him up when breakfast came, but he had a very difficult time eating as his tongue is beat up from the seizure.  He did manage to get down some scrambled eggs and oatmeal.  After breakfast he was transfered to Medical floor.  There will be a nurse by his side at all times.  He wanted to get back in bed and instantly feel alseep.  His body so needs to catch up on some sleep!    He did seem a little more alert this morning, but still very groggy.
   They did start the meds for Parkinson's this morning.  I can't say I'm convinced that this diagnosis is correct.  He does have some 'symptoms' of Parkinson, but they are also symptoms of other things too.  I keep praying for clarity and wisdom in all this for me and the doctors.
   Several people have asked if I got some sleep last night, and yes I did.  We got home from the hospital and I told Kristi lets put our pj's on and watch a movie and then go to bed.  I didn't quite make it all the way through the movie (Jungle Boook), (I missed my favorite part. LOL) I do remember Kristi getting up and turning off the TV and the lights and walking out of the room, I awoke again about 10 pm and headed to my bedroom to sleep. I was kind of afraid I wouldn't sleep again, but I did! Halleleujah!  Yes, I still feel tired, but I'm better than yesterday. :-)
    Thank you again everyone for your love and support for Todd.  Your kind remarks and prayers have been a great encouragement to me.

Waiting in the waiting room

Waiting rooms are where you wait.  That should be a profound statement, but today it only brings exhaustion and fear.  For today I sit in the waiting room of ICU.  I got a call at about 1 am that Todd had had a seizure and had fallen in his room.  A few hours later that call came again he'd had another one. This time he was transfered to ICU.  A CAT scan was done.  I can't tell you all the medical terms and such, cause I don't understand them, but they 'think' there may be some fluid in his brain.  So they did a drain from his spine.  They had to sedate him to keep him still during the procedure.  Thankfully he's sleeping now, something he did little of all weekend.  ( I think it was only an hour or two total).  

So I sit and wait, and pray, and wait some more.

"They that wait upon The Lord will renew their strength..."

I'm so thankful for my loving family that sat and waited with me for several hours, till I told them to just go home and rest.  Mom and Dad, Deb and Kim and Kristi you have shown love beyond measure.  Thank you to all the others that have texted or called and those that are praying.  Words can't seem to express my gratitude.